Welcome to the debut “His Take” column, in which a few of our awesome male contributors answer a question about the male psyche and behavior. Today’s question is a general one and something I know a lot of women have wondered:
“Why do guys say they aren’t interested in dating anyone and then turn around and start dating someone else?!”
MARK: Sadly, what this usually means is that they simply weren’t interested in dating YOU. It’s a white lie. And, yeah, it sucks. But would you really rather have heard you just weren’t quite what they were looking for in a relationship? Be honest. Actually, I suppose, sometimes, they are speaking the truth. Sometimes guys aren’t genuinely interested in dating until they meet that “special” person. Not that there is anything “wrong” with you — heck, on paper you probably seem pretty fantastic, which is why they are so confused as to why they don’t feel any “real” attraction or connection with you. They then sincerely believe that — aha! — they must not be interested in dating, because if they were, how could they not be interested in you? Cold comfort, I suppose, but there you have it.
JAREK: Guys are all about living in the moment. It’s why we are unable to talk about planning a dinner party that takes place three weeks from now while we are watching the game. Commercials help, but not really. So when a guy says he’s not interested in dating anyone, he truly is not interested in dating anyone. At that moment. But later that week when he realizes that watching “Dancing With The Stars” by himself is kind of sad and would feel much better about himself if he had a girlfriend to watch it with, he’ll likely change his mind. So when he hops on Match.com, meets someone, and marries her, it just means he happened to find someone who made him want to date.
ART: Ten times out of ten it’s because he doesn’t want to date you. Not every person you ask out will say yes, and not every person who rejects you will have the balls to tell you no to your face. And let me tell you, this is not unique to guys, or even unique to some exotic class of jerk people. This is a very usable, relatively gentle excuse to get a suitor off your case. But that’s all it is: an excuse. Sure, it’s bullshit. But some people are just cowards. Be glad he rejected you. Do you really want to date a coward? And, for that matter, a coward who isn’t even into you? Don’t date cowards.
JOE: There are at least a few reasons for that. The first: he doesn’t feel as though you two have the right chemistry, and, instead of telling you that, he says that he’s not interested in dating “anyone” when the truth is that he’s not interested in dating you. The important thing to remember is that dating is all about chemistry, not “better” or “worse”, so the fact that he might choose another woman instead of you simply means that, for him, that woman was a better match. Not a better woman — a better match for him.
Another possibility is that he truly isn’t interested in dating anyone because he’s not in the right place in his life to do so, and then… things change. He gets over an ex, or a stressful situation improves, or something else causes him to be ready again.
A third option is that he truly doesn’t think he’s interested in dating, but then, at the right time and in the right situation, someone comes along and changes his mind. Again, it’s a matter of fitting his needs and interests at a given time, not a matter of someone being “better” than you.
* If you’d like to ask the guys a question, simply email me at email@example.com with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.