MATT: You wrote: “He’s never said he doesn’t have feelings for me.” I have to respectfully (and lovingly) disagree. He has indeed said this. He has said it by being your friend and not taking the relationship to a new level over the course of five years; he has said it by being willing to discuss his taste in women with you as a friend would; he has said it by making you aware of a specific interest he has in someone you both know. Some of us let our actions do the talking for us because we just don’t have the words.
I’ve never been much of a hugger…I’m more of a slap-on-the-back kind of guy…but, if I could, I’d reach right through our fancy inter-webs right now and give you a big long bear squeeze because I feel your pain. At one point or another, I’ve been both of the parties in your scenario and it sucks.
You close by saying you are out of ideas. Do you mean ideas about why he does not choose you or ideas about how to make him see how great you are? I want to caution you about the latter: you’ve been so honest with him; show yourself the same level of respect and understand that you do not possess the power to change him. Ignore every romantic comedy and every fairy tale we (especially women) are fed. If you are okay being his friend and eventually even seeing him with someone else, great. If not, take some time to patch your heart & soul up a bit, so that you’re open and ready for some other great guy that comes in your life. Either way, the truth is the same: this guy is just your friend.
ANDREW: I once saw a movie on an airplane about a girl who was in love with that guy on Grey’s Anatomy with all the hair. They were BFF’s but, realizing he was unable to appreciate what was right in front him, she accepted the proposal of a Scottish aristocrat. Realizing he just lost the best thing in his life, the guy from Grey’s Anatomy travels to Scotland to break up the wedding and win her love. It was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life.
If, after five years AND a profession of your feelings, nothing has happened… It is time to, as the cool kids say, MOA. “Good idea!” you’re probably saying to yourself. I’ll date someone else (maybe a Scottish aristocrat?), make my BFF jealous and he’ll finally recognize he’s in love with me. I CAN’T TELL YOU HOW LAME THAT MOVIE WAS.
It’s okay if you remain friends and it’s okay if you’ll always be kind of a sucker for him. But it sounds like you’ve been stuck for five years and you need to move forward. I think the movie was called “Made of Honor” or something stupid like that. It was really bad.
ELIAS: You’ve likely heard the idea that the grass is greener on the other side. This sounds like the case here. Sure, you and the other girl are both close friends with him, but you have made your availability for something further very recognized. On the other hand, his desire lies with someone who has not done so which causes him to desire her even more. He knows he could easily have you, but he is looking for the one who is a challenge. My advice is to cool it. Be more of a friend to him. Talk about other guys. Stop pandering to him. Let him catch you looking at other men. Become the unreachable target. If you’re ever going to get his attention, it will be then.
DAVE: First off… congratulations. You now know how nice guys feel all the time as we watch our love interests consistently overlook us for the gorilla next door! It sounds like you have a good friendship and you communicate freely, which is the foundation of any true relationship (as well as a lasting marriage). Don’t push him. Just continue to be his best friend and understand that may entail watching his heart get broken a few times whilst chasing other girls. Be patient, and he should eventually come to the conclusion that romance is ultimately about intimacy, and true intimacy can only come from a true friend. If you are indeed right about him, it will be worth the wait.
* If you’d like to ask the guys a question, simply email me at [email protected] with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.