Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

How Are You?

How have you been feeling lately? The last week has felt particularly heavy at least in terms of the continued terrible news cycle. And on a personal level, I have been feeling more anxious than usual (and I’m already fairly anxious to begin with). I’ve had a few restless nights thinking/worrying about…

summer plans (various camps for Jackson, childcare for Joanie, extracurricular classes for them both, travel reservations), the next school year and whether Jackson will get a teacher who has been as compassionate with him as this year’s teacher has been, whether Joanie will love preschool, and all the things on my to-do list that I didn’t get to and that I probably won’t get to the next day. I recognize this pattern — it starts off as a little anxiety, I lose some sleep which compounds the anxiety, and before you know it, I am one tiny crisis away from a full-on panic. So I am doing the things that have helped manage my anxiety in the past: I’m going for bike rides, taking hot baths, stretching and doing yoga, going to bed at a decent time, trying to eat well. I’m still going to acupuncture every other week to treat my alopecia, and while I can see some new eyebrow hairs sprouting up (which is great!), the hair on my head has been falling out in greater volume the past week or two. When I’m home, I see the hair on the floor and hanging from the stairs, and this morning I opened a kitchen cabinet and there were two strands of my hair just dangling from a shelf inside — little reminders that I don’t have as much control over my life as I’d like. Who among us does, right?

Anyway, it often helps me to just name what I’m feeling, to share it and take away some of its power. The other day we had a particularly rough afternoon with one of our kids that left me feeling frustrated and, mostly, sad. “I have the sads,” I told Drew. He did too. We talked it out and I felt a little better. “We’re going to have rough days,” he reminded me. “But it’s going to be OK.”

Are you feeling anxious or sad about anything? Or happy and excited? Sometimes happy and excited don’t get the credit they’re due. I’m excited for our first summer in our home — family dinners on our deck and watching the sunset with Drew after we get the kids to bed.

What about you? How are you feeling these days?

Related: How Do You Practice Self-Care? and Advice that Changed Your Life.

91 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Ashley June 12, 2018, 9:44 am

    It’s been a rough few weeks in our household. My husband changed jobs for the better but money has been really tight. I’ve been more anxious and sometimes I feel like I’m the only one.
    As of next week I’ll officially have a seventh grader which is terrifying but I’m so proud of my son.
    I’m 17 weeks pregnant with a little girl who is our miracle rainbow baby especially since I’m still recovering from back surgery.
    Overall I guess things are looking up but I could use a vacation and a martini but I’ll settle for a nap.
    I hope everyone is doing great and has a wonderful summer.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 12, 2018, 11:12 am

      Congrats on the pregnancy! Now, take a nap – you deserve one.

      Reply Link
  • avatar

    JD June 12, 2018, 9:53 am

    Sad, stressed and overwhelmed. Stepson is out of school for the summer and it’s been rough. He refuses to do anything but sleep and play games and flat out says no when asked or told to do something. He is doing the normal teenage thing, being 15, testing stepmom. I knew both would happen at some point but it’s on the heels of husband being gone pretty much non stop for weeks minus food and sleep. His mom is also making it difficult. She is supposed to have him for spring break and half the summer. She blows it off but gives him hope so the whole thing is just heart breaking. She blames it on not being able to afford a plane ticket due to paying a whopping $200 a month in child support while making over six figures. Sigh. Or…she’s busy, or moving, or, or, or. I feel so bad for him. Currently her argument is she is paying my bills. Um what????? 🙄🙄 that $200 rarely even comes, we don’t rely on it at all. But she tells him this so he is upset with me.

    Major fertility struggles currently. Currently a day late and just praying, crying, begging for it not to come. We are on the verge of getting really far into treatments and spending a fortune. I can pretty much feel myself clenching to stop it from starting, like that has any impact haha.

    Truly in need of some self care time but proving impossible to find a way.

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    • avatar

      Kate June 12, 2018, 10:15 am

      Are you working? What’s keeping you from eating, sleeping, or self care? I can imagine the stress from fertility treatments, but what else?

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      • avatar

        JD June 12, 2018, 10:28 am

        Doing some work from home for my old company so keeping me a bit busy but not out of the house. There are just not jobs here. Legit 5 jobs listed on any given job site at any given time and I don’t know how to drive a tractor. Eating, kind of, enough to stay alive, I tend to stop doing much eating when stressed. Sleep is not very possible when stressed as well. Really in need of some time away from the kid arguing every night once dad comes home or even hearing about money, fertility, kids mom,etc. Truly just need some private time with husband, a LONNNNGGG bath, something insanely yummy to eat and a lot of sleep. We have been trying to fit some in here and there but with him gone it’s tough and every time we find a moment son finds a reason to be 2″ away. He really wants all dads attention right now so I am making sure husband does that…I do need some too, but kid comes first. He is really of the age we could leave him home for a night, was thinking of a hotel overnight, but right now is not a great time due to his issues…as well as, even though he is very smart and capable he will do things like not even let the dogs out for 2 days or make sure they have water. It wouldn’t be relaxing because we would be so concerned with what is going on at home. I do hope his mom follows through for his sake and so we can have some time. I feel like that sounds cold but almost every parent has time away from the kids, an overnight with grandparents, sleep over…almost all 15 year olds have friends they do things with. He just never leaves the house, EVER!! So it limits any alone time. Kind of missing my single days when I could stow away at home for a weekend and take baths and order Postmates and binge tv and read a book, sneak out to Nordstrom and a mani/pedi, dance around in my living room, wear no pants.

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      • avatar

        Kate June 12, 2018, 10:32 am

        Oof, that’s a lot. This is a new/recent marriage, right? Are you sure it’s what you wanted? Are you maybe able to go visit family or something for a while? With the dogs I guess. A 15-year-old could look after himself, right?

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      • avatar

        JD June 12, 2018, 10:37 am

        I am working on doing something. I think we are kind of holding our breath to see if mom follows through. According to her she is booking a ticket today or tomorrow. I mean, I doubt it, but before I book something seeing if it will pan out. If not I am for sure taking a break. It is a newish marriage, I do want it but we are for sure being tested early on. I lived alone for so many years I will always miss that to some extent. I was good at single life, never really lonely. Not what I wanted forever but I did enjoy it. I enjoy my husband being around far more but I still miss it. Plus I am pretty OCD so living with anyone ever sucks a little for someone like me. Lucky husband follows my OCD requirements down to folding the towels just so. He’s too cute. No 15 year old would of course nor do I expect it. I really don’t even expect husband to but he’s fairly adorable about that stuff.

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      • avatar

        Kate June 12, 2018, 10:45 am

        Good, I would urge you to use the oxygen mask approach and take care of your own needs first right now. If Mom doesn’t come through this week, you should make another plan. Go see your mom maybe.

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      • avatar

        JD June 12, 2018, 11:12 am

        Holy crap she booked the ticket. Just now husband text me as she just sent him the info. So happy for him but also selfishly me to have some much needed husband time.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy June 12, 2018, 11:15 am

        That’s good news (re. the ticket)!

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      • avatar

        JD June 12, 2018, 11:21 am

        No pants rule into effect in this house for a few weeks!!

        Thanks Wendy. As much as I just need a break I feel so bad for him. She hasn’t seen him in over a year and a half an didn’t even tell him last time she wasn’t. He came to us saying “what day do i fly to moms” because she kept telling him he was and she never told him otherwise. Heartbreaking.

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      • avatar

        csp June 12, 2018, 11:39 am

        @JD – have you thought about a week of camp for him? maybe something that interests him and you can get time?

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      • avatar

        JD June 12, 2018, 11:52 am

        We looked into camps but a.) he is 15 so kind of out of that age and b.) we live in a very small area so not much local.

        He will be spending 3.5 weeks with mom now so that is good for him.

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      • avatar

        snoopy June 12, 2018, 12:06 pm

        JD- what about making him a camp counselor? Some camps have a youth leadership or volunteer option. He could be a camp volunteer. That’s what I did at his age. But it also depends on what he is interested in.
        Glad to hear flights came through.

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  • avatar

    MissD June 12, 2018, 10:23 am

    I am in the middle of trying to sell my house. So…. that’s always fun… NOT!

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    • avatar

      bondgirl June 12, 2018, 10:34 am

      Just buying a house was a miserable experience, I can’t imagine what it’s like from the seller’s point of view!

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    • avatar

      JD June 12, 2018, 11:26 am

      You have my sympathy. So exhausting.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark June 12, 2018, 11:49 am

      I stage homes. Declutter and employ POPS of color.

      Here is a house I just staged for inspiration.

      https://soldbydiggs.com/real-estate-listings/coming-soon-4437-clayton-ave-los-felis-90027

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      • avatar

        MissD June 12, 2018, 12:02 pm

        Looks awesome! Wish I could fly you to Canada to stage my house. I think my place looks pretty good though, I just finished completely renovating everything so there’s ZERO clutter. It’s just a matter of finding somebody who’s actually interested in buying a 30-year old condo.

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      • avatar

        Jd June 12, 2018, 12:05 pm

        Oh I need that TV console in the living room!!!!

        Love that house. I dream of a craftsman. They were almost non existent in OC minus the Orange Circle but those go in seconds for a few million. There are a lot here but we aren’t staying. Dreams of a Seattle craftsman on Greenlake skate through my head regularly….those are cheap right. hahahhaa

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark June 12, 2018, 12:20 pm

        I did that house on the cheap. It is literally just pillows and vases and flowers and bowls of gresh fruit. Think under $300. The home had great bones and decent furniture. But zero color. Just blah. Its amazing what a trip to Homegoods can do…

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl June 12, 2018, 12:32 pm

        ooo BGM.. when I get a place you can just makeover the house in general. and buy all the things. As long as there is a dark green velvet couch, we’re good

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      • avatar

        JD June 12, 2018, 12:35 pm

        Home Goods is one of my favorite places to waste a Sunday. First thing in the AM with my coffee before everyone is out. 🙂

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      • avatar

        keyblade June 13, 2018, 1:51 pm

        You really have wonderful eyes. I’m sorry your having a rough go of it. Hang in there.

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    • avatar

      Kate June 12, 2018, 12:05 pm

      Are you on the market yet? I think affordable condos and lower price point starter homes sell really fast in general because that’s what so many people are looking for. When are you moving? If you need to sell quickly, remember that it WILL sell at the right price, so if you don’t have offers in a couple weeks you may need to bring it down a bit.

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      • avatar

        MissD June 12, 2018, 12:24 pm

        It has been on the market for a little over a month now, but this is normal in my area. Average time on the market for a 2 bedroom condo (in 2018) is 60 days. I know I’m doing everything right, this is just how it goes.

        I am currently dealing with a potential buyer who is being kind of ridiculous – I won’t bother going into details here, but it’s stressing me out.

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  • avatar

    bondgirl June 12, 2018, 10:27 am

    I’ve had better weeks. This one started out great with my birthday celebration but then my doctor called with news that I have to have a painful test procedure done….which I’ve already had to do once in the past and it was awful. So I’m full of dread and fear of having to do it all over again as well as what could be wrong. And right after that news, our garage door literally broke into pieces last night and all the smaller pieces that hold the entire door contraption fell apart. So now it’s strategically being held in place until we can replace it….opening/closing the door is NOT an option! I’m scheduled to try on wedding gowns this coming weekend and trying to not let this crappy news overwhelm my excitement for dress shopping.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 12, 2018, 11:16 am

      Focus on the wedding dress fun. You’ll get through the other stuff.

      Reply Link
  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark June 12, 2018, 10:55 am

    I’ve never been worse. There is no real point in elaborating… but yeah. I’ve never been worse. And that’s REALLY saying something.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 12, 2018, 11:17 am

      I’m sorry, Mark. It seemed like things had been going well for you there for a while. I hope whatever’s up now is just temporary and you’re feeling better soon.

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      • bittergaymark

        Bittergaymark June 12, 2018, 11:52 am

        Eh, my wages are no longer stagnant, but activeky going backwards. I am just OVER everything. If I wasn’t so fucking polite I’d pull a Kate Spade. But far too many would needlessly and absurdly overreact.

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  • avatar

    Kali June 12, 2018, 10:55 am

    Been very stressed for the past ten days. My beloved suster’s Been going through a battery of tests and today we find out if it’s pancreatic cancer or not. And I’m 1000 miles away.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 12, 2018, 11:17 am

      Sending good thoughts your/ your sister’s way!

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  • avatar

    Kate June 12, 2018, 10:59 am

    Just when I’ve fixed my living situation, work has become an absolute shitshow. I can’t really elaborate either, but serious small-company problems that limit my ability to service my client.

    But I don’t have to drive anymore, don’t work crazy hours, love the new neighborhood, we’re getting a new mattress delivered this week for better sleep, and overall lifestyle is good.

    It’s always something!

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    • avatar

      JD June 12, 2018, 11:03 am

      What is that line from Bridget Jones “it is universally acknowledged that as soon as one part of your life starts going well something else falls spectacularly apart”. 😂

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 12, 2018, 11:18 am

      Sorry, Kate — I hope the work issues are temporary. Yay for walking to the office though — you can’t beat that.

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      • avatar

        Kate June 12, 2018, 11:27 am

        Welllll, I take a bus, but it’s a chill bus where you always get a seat. And I walk to Harvard Sq in the morning (15 min stroll) to get the bus, and the weather has been beautiful! If it’s not so nice, the T is across the street from both my home and office so that’s another option. A third option is to drive, but I have to pay for parking at work. Saving like $200 a month plus gas by leaving the car in the garage. And I decompress on the bus so I’m in a good mood when I get home.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 12, 2018, 12:04 pm

      Gotcha! I thought I saw on insta that you walked to work. But not driving is good too!!

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  • Copa

    Copa June 12, 2018, 11:27 am

    Right now, stressed and anxious and sad. A few employees at work were let go a couple months ago, which means a new job for me (this is a good thing) but also providing coverage while we’re understaffed. It was pretty crazy for awhile. It’s gotten better, but it’s still not great. We also have a big trip/meeting later this week. I get back on Saturday, and my movers come by that afternoon. So right now I feel like I go from work stress to home stress, where I feel deeply anxious about going outside and running into my idiot neighbor. I feel like I can’t hold my head up high at home right now, then beat myself up for being so ridiculous over a nothing situation. I made the decision to stay in my building a couple months ago, but move units, and I’m kind of regretting not finding a new building even though I had no clue I’d feel this tense at home and, more importantly, I live in a great neighborhood and the price of my new unit is pretty much unheard. I’ve seen crappy studios that cost more. I think I’ll feel better when I no longer feeling like everything in life is happening at once.

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    • avatar

      JD June 12, 2018, 12:01 pm

      I say buy a couple new knick nacks for your new unit with your savings to make it feel special and not the “same” since you are in the same building. Maybe paint a wall if you can or use that peel off wallpaper, although it can be a complete pain in the butt, I used it for my kitchen back splash and the smaller area made it much more tolerable to work with. Just a little something to make it feel like fun and get your mood better with that part.

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      • Copa

        Copa June 12, 2018, 12:19 pm

        Yeah, I’m dreading the moving process, and dreading it even more since it’s happening the day I get home from a work trip. BUT, I’m excited to make the place new. It’s the same layout I have now, but I’m planning to paint (never did in my current unit, so it’s that awful yellow-white a lot of apartments are painted between tenants). They put new floors in, which I’m pumped about. I’m hoping to rearrange my living room and bedroom furniture if possible. I’m planning to (finally) replace some things my dog chewed holes in as a puppy. Also, re: the neighbor situation, I think moving to a higher floor will help. Right now I am on the first floor and often see people come and go when I’m minding my own business — including my neighbor and the lady I’ve seen him with a few times. (Who I’ve learned is… his 23-year-old co-worker. Gross. Hope that blows up in his face.)

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      • avatar

        JD June 12, 2018, 12:39 pm

        Oh that lovely color paint I am currently staring at….wait, depending on the room because each is different, as is the carpet in each room. Good grief.

        I think out of sight and out of mind will help a bit. Also, woohoo for new floors!!!! That is pretty much always awesome. I bet the change in literal view and some visual updates will refresh your mind set a bit. Plus busy mind focusing on that stuff. Nothing like moving, painting and unpacking to keep you busy and preoccupied.

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  • MaterialsGirl

    MaterialsGirl June 12, 2018, 11:36 am

    My sister had a baby girl (first grandkid for my folks) this past Saturday! She’s sooo cute.

    Finally told work that I’m pregnant.. (23 weeks now). It went over fine, although new boss’ boss mentioned something about pregnancy brain .. (he was elaborating on his wife, but still… not cool dude). It’s supposed to speed up the promotion process (long story there on why I didn’t get the true bump to my friend/previous group manager’s role and instead am only going for the local manager role). I’m not holding my breath until it’s officially announced, though. Also, our disability pay hasn’t been updated in 20 years (think: 150 a week BEFORE TAXES) I’m trying to workout a ‘part time work from home’ deal for the last six weeks of leave, but again, I will believe it once it’s actually enacted. I know the rules of disability and FMLA, so i WILL turn my phone in and go no-contact if something isn’t worked out. Otherwise, things are fine, just playing the prepping game

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  • Lucidity

    Lucidity June 12, 2018, 11:43 am

    I’m sad and frustrated. During the provincial elections in Ontario last week, Doug Ford, a social conservative, was elected our new premier. With our “first past the post” system, a party that had the support of only 40% of the voters will now hold 100% of the power. He is basically Trump lite – misogynistic and homophobic, but without the overt racism (so far). He promised to re-open the abortion debate and eliminate the progressive sex education previous governments established in our schools (because parents should be the only ones to talk to their kids about sex, and because we shouldn’t be telling kids that it’s normal be gay or transgender – that might make our kids decide to be gay or transgender!). He even stated during one leadership debate that he’ll push to re-legalize reparative therapy for kids. With a majority government, there’s little our other two (left leaning) major political parties, who received 60% of the votes between them, can do to stop him. I’m so upset about our messed up democratic process and about the rise of the alt-right in this country over the past few years. Racism, xenophobia, homophobia, transphobia, sexism… these are the opposite of Canadian values. It feels like we’re going backwards and it’s frustrating and disheartening.

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    • Lucidity

      Lucidity June 12, 2018, 11:56 am

      I also feel disheartened because I realize that living in Toronto (until just recently, when we moved to the burbs), I took a lot of things for granted. The city is full of immigrants (whites, like myself, are a minority), there’s a huge gay population, and almost everyone is socially progressive. When someone is conservative, it’s usually only in a fiscal sense. I’m realizing that the rest of the country isn’t there yet. Even just an hour away, nearly everyone here is white. There’s a growing Muslim population as Toronto becomes less affordable, and there’s a strong anti-Muslim sentiment, something I’ve never encountered before. In Toronto, diversity was seen as a good thing – here, many people seem to think it’s bad. I miss my city and feel like I’m experiencing culture shock.

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  • avatar

    csp June 12, 2018, 11:44 am

    Things here are going well actually. This winter was so long and rainy and cold and snowy and gross that I am really appreciating the warm up. We are working to really enjoy this weather and plan activities. Last summer, we never made it to the beach and we only live an hour away. So this year we are prioritizing taking those days. I am trying to focus on not getting so caught up in day to day chores and spending more time with friends.

    One other odd thing – I just sent my first letter to my prison pen pal. I found out about this program and after listening to podcasts like ear hustle and other stories that I thought it was a cheap, nice thing to do. Has anyone done this before? I am excited and a little nervous.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 12, 2018, 12:09 pm

      Oh, that’s cool. I haven’t done the penal thing, but years ago when I still lived in Chicago I taught a writing class that was part of a program for guys getting released early from prison. It was an incredible learning experience for me.

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    • avatar

      K June 12, 2018, 2:02 pm

      I would be potentially interested in doing that. Have you found a site where they are looking for friends? It seems like both the men and women are looking for relationships, by the tone of their bios on the sites I’ve looked at.

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  • avatar

    snoopy June 12, 2018, 12:22 pm

    It’s been OK- there’s really good and then also very frustrating things going on right now. I toyed with writing in for advice, but at the end of the day, I’m not sure I wanted anything other than for people to validate my feelings.

    The good: going away on lots of little weekend trips to be outdoors with friends. Although it takes a bit of mental energy to plan, it’s so worth it to escape. Work has also slowed down and I look forward to taking my banked time.

    The rough: Been having issues with husband’s family. His parents are wonderful, but also a bit selfish, do not compromise and push boundaries to try and get their way. H and I are trying to navigate it all and realized our communication skills need some work. So off to couples therapy for us. But in the meantime, this last week has just been emotionally heavy. H’s whole family ended up in a fight over Christmas holidays as his parents and older brother want everyone to take a two week vacation far away. H mistakenly said we could do that, then had to clarify later that we only have 2 weeks of holidays and need to use some of that time to see my parents who live in a different province. Meanwhile, H’s younger brother has also said he can do 1 week over Christmas with the family. In past years, the in laws have cried, begged, pleaded, and pouted to get all of their children and spouses together for Christmas and have put a lot of guilt on their children for not complying. This year, they’ve decided what’s more important to them is going away with *some* of the family for two weeks, despite the fact that all three brothers + spouses said they’d be able to do Christmas week with them (and would go wherever/do whatever they wanted). But because we can’t do exactly what they wanted (2 weeks, far away), they’ve decided to just go away with older brother. I’m having a hard time accepting their decision as I see plenty of compromises that would make everyone happy. I know next year, they will put up the same fuss to have everyone together and will hold it over our heads that everyone wasn’t together this year (despite the ability and willingness and coordination all lining up to be together for a week). I just feel like there is a block on my chest.

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    • avatar

      JD June 12, 2018, 12:43 pm

      Expecting every person to be able to take 2 weeks off is so ridiculous. Even if you can take that off they are not the only people on the planet, you have family too. Sorry you are dealing with that. Sounds like they are just not going to be happy unless everything is exactly their way, sigh….

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    • avatar

      saneinca June 12, 2018, 9:49 pm

      Can your family and the remaining brother have a nice get together over the holidays by yourselves ? Something low key and just a couple of days ?
      I know it is petty but I want you guys to show you can still have fun time without the parents’ micromanagement of holidays.

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      • avatar

        snoopy June 13, 2018, 11:58 am

        I’ve suggested spending the holiday with husband’s younger brother, to do exactly that saneinca. But my husband would rather go spend it with my whole family. I think being with only part of his family might make him feel worse about the whole thing. I’m team petty, let’s go show them we can have a good holiday without them and we were committed to spending it when his family.

        JD- I agree, totally bonkers to assume you get two weeks of our holidays (especially since husband only gets three weeks total a year…)

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  • avatar

    Suki June 12, 2018, 1:20 pm

    My heart is really heavy. My best friend’s husband died very unexpectedly last week, he had a blood clot that went to his brain. He was only 49, and it all feels so unfair and overwhelming. It definitely puts things in perspective though, work stress now seems trivial. Just hate thinking about the long road ahead for my friend….recently read that there is no way to get through grief, except to grieve.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse June 12, 2018, 2:03 pm

    I’m doing okay. I think everyone is just kind of mildly (if not more) depressed lately. Kate Spade, Tony Bourdain…. it’s just so sad. DT is just carving away at the soul of our country. Even if you ignore the news, you know it’s happening. I think that’s a huge part of the malaise these days. My heart aches for those that are marginalized and facing discrimination under this administration.

    My family is still and will always be reeling from our loss last fall. As time ticks closer to the year anniversary, it’s just another shock. How could a year have gone by already? The stress of moving and his death has maybe just sort of set itself inside me. That’s not to say I don’t have bright and wonderful days, more often that not, they are so good. Life is mostly great. I’m incredibly lucky and thankful for what I have. And I know that makes me privileged.

    I’ve been tempering the sadness with bike rides, swims, playgrounds, picnics and fun adventures with my kids and their cousins.

    If only I could fall asleep at night….

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    • avatar

      Fyodor June 13, 2018, 8:06 am

      Yeah, the shock of the time passing is something I have dealt with. There is almost a perverse sense of guilt that comes from going on with your life. Thinking about the loss constantly would destroy you but at the same time you feel like you’re betraying them for not doing so.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse June 13, 2018, 8:24 am

        Thanks Fyodor. It’s pretty much a constant thing. He was taken from his two young children and his wife. Luckily, we moved very close to them and we spend a lot of time with them. It’s just devastating. When we catch ourselves having a good time, it’s just a stark reminder that he should be here having fun, too. We should be planning his milestone birthday party, not picking out a headstone. It’s been a rough road. It’s been nine months. Both an eternity and not that long at all. It’s funny how as time passes, the ticker tape is still going for me. It’s been x amount of time since. Maybe it’s because his baby isn’t even a year old yet.

        The trial hasn’t even started yet. That is going to hurt.

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    • Lianne

      Lianne June 13, 2018, 8:33 am

      Anonymousse, I am so sorry to hear more of the details surrounding the loss your family suffered. Admittedly, I check in only sporadically, and don’t ready every post, so I apologize if some of these details had been divulged previously and I missed them. I knew there was a loss, but not that it was a man with a young family. Having a young family myself, I cannot fathom having my kids grow up without one of us. The thought fills me with deep sadness. That coupled with what I can only gather has criminal implications makes it feel so much worse. I am so sorry. As time passes, I hope you can feel less guilty about enjoying YOUR time here. You and your family moved to be closer to his in order to help fill the gap of his lost presence. That is a wonderful way to honor him – and I am sure he is so grateful!

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy June 13, 2018, 8:53 am

        Im sorry too, anonymousse. I have missed some of the details if you’ve shared them previously, and I am very sorry to hear there are young children in your family now growing up without their dad. Second to losing my children, my greatest fear is that they will lose Drew or me before adulthood.

        And, Lianne, I hope you are coping ok with the sudden loss of your mother. Regardless the relationship you had — and having a complicated one only makes the loss more complicated — it’s a lot to process. Hang in there!

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      • Lianne

        Lianne June 13, 2018, 9:55 am

        Thanks, Wendy. I appreciate it 🙂

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      • avatar

        anonymousse June 13, 2018, 12:51 pm

        Thanks Lianne and Wendy. It means a lot to read your words. [comment partially deleted by wendy for privacy concerns].

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      • MaterialsGirl

        MaterialsGirl June 13, 2018, 2:33 pm

        anonymousse :-(. Horrible. I am so sorry for you and your family. These carjackings have been on the rise in Chicago too, so scary

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      • avatar

        anonymousse June 13, 2018, 2:50 pm

        Thanks, MG. ♥️

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  • Lianne

    Lianne June 12, 2018, 2:39 pm

    I’m doing ok. Some really good things going on – new baby girl who just turned two months old yesterday and she is an absolute delight. Was able to go on a date with my husband on Saturday and realized we’re so lucky to have awesome family members to help care for our kids when needed. I’m likely getting promotion at work (while being on maternity leave!) and I’m coming into some unexpected money soon.

    But, with the good comes the bad…a week and a half after my daughter was born, my mom died. She and I had a complicated relationship so that was hard on a number of levels. Now I’m dealing with her estate and it’s been wrought with drama. We have still not found a new house and have been looking since last August. We sold our condo in December and have been in an apartment while we continue the house search.

    Anyway, I think the good outweighs the bad. So I’m trying to stay optimistic and focused on all the blessings we’ve got going. It’s easier to do that when the weather is as nice as it’s been!

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    • avatar

      anonymousse June 13, 2018, 12:54 pm

      I’m so sorry to read this, Lianne. That must have been so hard to experience with a new baby. You sound like you have a healthy mindset and are persevering. ♥️

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      • Lianne

        Lianne June 13, 2018, 8:42 pm

        thanks, anonymousse and keyblade.

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    • avatar

      keyblade June 13, 2018, 1:12 pm

      Again, I’m sorry anonymousse. Try to hang in there. Your strength and your example is extraordinary.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse June 13, 2018, 1:32 pm

        Thanks, keyblade♥️

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    • avatar

      keyblade June 13, 2018, 1:14 pm

      @Lianne- Good luck with it all. I hope you find a great new house. Thank goodness for warm weather.

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  • avatar

    Allison June 12, 2018, 10:09 pm

    I’ve been in a deep, depressive, state since hearing that Anthony Bourdain died. Gosh I admired that man, his book, and his shows. Kate Spade too, shit. I think the news about the two of them, coupled with the ongoing nightmare that is trump, and knowing people who support him (which has destroyed our relationships), just set me over. I feel like evil is winning right now. I feel like kindness and caring and reason and empathy and science and acceptance and equality and basic human dignity, all are losing right now. It’s breaking my heart.

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy June 13, 2018, 6:20 am

      Me too.

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    • avatar

      Vathena June 13, 2018, 8:48 am

      I could have written this too. I just can’t believe that there are people who can see babies torn from their parents’ arms at the border and warehoused (imprisoned) in their name, in who knows what sort of conditions, and think, “Yep, that’s great! Winning!” It really makes me feel physically ill. The DHS secretary lives down the block from me and I have to resist the urge to pound on her door and scream at her.

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    • avatar

      bondgirl June 13, 2018, 8:50 am

      I hear you on the Trump stuff. After this past summer (particularly the Charlottesville riots), it seems like a billion controversial things he’s pulled in like 3 days time….. but mostly I’m angry and disappointed with mindless Fox News followers in my life who still think he’s the best thing since sliced bread. And that support comes from some of the closest ppl in my life….very SMART people…..and I’m just like, how do you actually buy into that crap? That’s been really hard to come to terms with (I wanted to say accept, but that makes it sound like I condone his actions which I absolutely DON’T) and I feel like the only thing I can do is to ask these people questions and at least try to understand why they view Cheeto-in-Chief in such a positive light. Cuz perhaps it’d be easier to at least understand a viewpoint without agreeing with it…cuz pointing out factual basis for why he’s so awful just gets claims of FAKE NEWS thrown in my face. Ugh.

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      • avatar

        keyblade June 13, 2018, 1:47 pm

        @bondgirl, I feel you.

        “but mostly I’m angry and disappointed with mindless Fox News followers in my life who still think he’s the best thing since sliced bread. And that support comes from some of the closest ppl in my life….very SMART people…..and I’m just like, how do you actually buy into that crap? ”

        I’ve been in the same boat. For my own sanity I’m allowing myself to be small and self-focused. I have an endless reading list and limited time, motivation, and attention. But if I get to it, I plan to read Factfulness, Reasons we’re wrong about the world and why things are better than you think. Part of my personal self-care is listen and absorb messages about what is actually going well instead of what is going wrong all the time.

        https://www.amazon.com/Factfulness-Reasons-World-Things-Better/dp/1250107814/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1528913946&sr=8-1&keywords=factfulness

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  • avatar

    alafair June 13, 2018, 1:27 pm

    A very good friend died an avoidable death almost exactly a year ago. His father had been sick, and at the time they were adamant that no one come to pay him their respects. It’s been hard, saying goodbye without the structure we’re used to. His brother used his obituary as a way to call out everyone who he felt did J wrong, which is absolutely not what J would have wanted. J was a gentle, loving soul and would have hated knowing his passing caused more bad feelings in the world.

    We used to joke about buying houses next door to each other in retirement and learning to make bad get off my lawn cracks at each other. As it comes closer to the anniversary of his passing I find I’m struggling with both grief and anger. I hate being angry at him for leaving, for dying the way he did. (He got sick and started drinking a whole lot of water…I begged him to go to the doctor because I was worried it was diabetes. He ended up passing of water intoxication). I feel so damn guilty because some days I think if I had just called him one more time, he’d be here.

    His step mom (who is pretty amazing) recently invited me to come visit and pay my respects. So I’m going on the anniversary of J’s passing. I’m having to gear myself up to see his brother – who also took the occasion of his death to make a pass at me – and trying to focus on the important part. A wonderful person, probably the best man I’ve ever known, is gone. He made my life better just by being there. He meant something, and the friendship was worth everything.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse June 13, 2018, 2:50 pm

      Sorry for your loss, alafair.

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    • Lucidity

      Lucidity June 13, 2018, 3:06 pm

      I’m sorry for your loss, alafair. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend grief therapy to help you move past the anger and guilt. It made a huge difference for me after my mother’s suicide. I’d missed a call from her before her fifth, successful attempt, and struggled for a long time with thoughts like “if only I’d heard my phone”, “if only I’d called back sooner”. You don’t have to keep thinking and feeling like that – grief counseling can help.

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      • avatar

        alafair June 13, 2018, 5:12 pm

        @ Lucidity and @anonymousse Thank you. I think it’s the year anniversary sneaking up on me. I spoke to a counselor after he passed to help me get past the initial stages of grief. Once I get back from the visit I’ll go again.

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  • avatar

    carolann June 13, 2018, 2:21 pm

    I mentioned lugols (and selenium, no more than 2 Brazil nuts a day gives you enough you MUST take selenium if you take iodine) for hair loss. I don’t know if you ever tried it.
    One other thing I wanted to mention is Progesterone cream. I take NOW Brand Progesterone (made from Wild Yam) I was taking it to help me sleep. (It REALLY helps my insomnia @KATE ) Well, I came across something the other day that said that many people use bio identical Progesterone cream for Alopecia. I looked and there are also alopecia treatments with Progesterone. I thought maybe you may want to check it out.
    My hair issues already corrected when I started the Lugols…but one thing I have noticed since being on Progesterone is that my eyelashes are getting thicker. They were another thing that had started thining.

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  • avatar

    carolann June 13, 2018, 2:22 pm

    I want to add take 2 Brazil nuts a day ONLY too much selenium is bad. Brazil nuts are also really high in omega 3 which is good too.

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    • avatar

      Kate June 13, 2018, 3:09 pm

      I actually love Brazil nuts.

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  • avatar

    JD June 13, 2018, 2:39 pm

    Well no baby, just cramps keeping me up all night so exhausted today. I saw this commercial the other day “if you experience ANY pain during your period bla bla bla”. So, ya every woman on the Planet will be calling. (eye roll) ANY! HA!

    Also got a call from mom this morning that she has Chronic Kidney Disease. They just will work on managing it currently but she has some other, manageable (seizures) , health problems and this scares me. She is not to death sentence stage but it is for sure affecting how she is physically feeling and I worry where it can lead. She had moved to Utah recently and that was on the list of places we may move when this torture is up here, now it is feeling even more like something I’d like to be closer to her.
    It was a bit difficult to get her to seriously take her seizure meds when that started, she had 5 more after the first incident, and each time would of course be me rushing to the ER (one caused a car accident). Luckily she finally got it under control once I pretty much lost my shit on her for simply not taking her meds to prevent this. I think she isn’t likely to go that route again but it concerns me, especially when I am not currently close enough by to just run to the hospital to be there with her. She has a good friend in Utah luckily. Also, I always had the young mom (she was 21 when she had me) and she is still so young it is so surreal to think my mom is actually sick.

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    • avatar

      JD June 14, 2018, 9:16 pm

      Well this week has been special. My dog was put down today. He had a 5lb tumor on his spleen as well as nervous system problems. He was fine and then suddenly. He came to us off the street having been run over by a car with a broken femur. Trusted me to put him in the bath and bring him to the vet the next day. He was so malnourished his teeth were ground down from eating rocks. He actually just walked into our office one day. He grew and got healthy but we only had so many years with him. I’m so heartbroken. All of the other stress seems so insignificant.

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      • avatar

        Kate June 15, 2018, 4:35 am

        I’m sorry. I have been there – in 2006 my dog had a huge stomach tumor and by the time he showed symptoms… you know. It wrecked me. Again, so sorry.

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      • Dear Wendy

        Dear Wendy June 15, 2018, 6:22 am

        Oh, no – I’m so sorry! It sounds like you gave him a wonderful, loving home and a good life.

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      • avatar

        JD June 15, 2018, 7:08 am

        Sorry for your loss too Kate. These special creatures really are the last to deserve pain. I woke up thinking what he did his first night in dog heaven, which I truly believe exists because they deserve it. I figured his pain was gone, even the old pain from his broken femur (fun fact we both have been hit by cars and broken our left femurs). I figure he had a big steak, rolled around in the mud and chased lizards, one of his all time favorite things to do.

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      • avatar

        Kate June 15, 2018, 7:11 am

        I also like to think of someone meeting them, someone who absolutely loves dogs and will take care of them. And yeah, I think the things they loved in life, they will experience after they pass.

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  • avatar

    MissD June 13, 2018, 5:29 pm

    Buying a condo is the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark June 14, 2018, 11:29 pm

      Really? In a bit of a panic myself as I own no property.

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      • avatar

        JD June 15, 2018, 7:21 am

        But so hard to accomplish in So Cal. One major factor for moving was to buy a house that wouldn’t bankrupt us. Having to spend a million and renovate to be in the same house that is $400 but nicer elsewhere is difficult even when making good money. And I mean I’m not moving to the inland empire obviously 🙄🙄🙄

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    • avatar

      Kate June 15, 2018, 7:46 am

      Yeah, buying isn’t always the right move. That said, buying a reasonably priced condo in a very good location is generally a good investment if you plan to be there for at least 5 years and you buy in a down market, or at least one that’s not about to crash. I made great money on a 1-BR in a hot Boston neighborhood in 2006 after being there 7 years, but then the one I bought after that, the market crashed immediately after and it took 7 years to be able to sell and not lose money. If I only could have stayed two more years, once again I would have made money.

      Don’t be hard on yourself, you expected to be there for a while. Sometimes life makes you change your plans.

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