Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“How Can I Ask How He’s Feeling?”

I have been hanging out with/talking to this guy, “Greg,” for five months now. We were both at college together for the first two months and things were pretty great — I saw him all the time, he was a real gentleman, and he got along well with my friends. Since then he’s been back in his hometown for the summer. He came to visit me once soon after he left, and we had a great weekend. However, since then he still calls/texts me every day, but he has not made any effort to see me. He was even in town last weekend and cancelled on me twice!! I’m realizing now that he hasn’t complimented me or expressed his feelings towards me even once this entire time. He is so kind and caring to his family/friends, but it’s a completely different story when it comes to me.

Is there any way I can have a conversation with him to find out how he feels and what his intentions are without it turning into my asking for a serious relationship? I don’t even want that; I just want to know how he feels so I can decide if this is something worth pursuing. Thanks a million, — The ‘Feelings’ talk

Why is whether or not you’re interested in pursuing something with Greg entirely dependent on knowing what his feelings for you are? What about your feelings? What about the way Greg makes you feel? What about his actions? What about the things you DO know about him, about how he treats you, about what your relationship is like with him to help you figure out whether you want to pursue something with the guy? I mean, you know he does the absolute bare minimum to keep in touch with you while you’re apart for the summer, you know he came to town and didn’t even see you (actually cancelled on you twice), you know he doesn’t compliment you or express any feelings about/toward you, and you know that although he’s kind to others, it is a “completely different story” when it comes to you. WHY, WHY,WHY then are you even entertaining the thought of pursuing a relationship with him? I mean, yeah, OF COURSE you don’t want a serious relationship with this guy, but why do you want ANY relationship with him? Why are you even still talking to him?

I know you’re on summer break and won’t start classes again for a couple weeks at least, but I have some early homework for you: I want you to meditate on an idea a little bit every day. I want you to meditate on this idea, to close your eyes and think it to yourself for five, maybe ten minutes every day: “I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel good. I deserve to be with someone who enjoys my company and lets me know it, who treats me with respect and kindness, and who prioritizes spending time with me.”

You do deserve that. And you should want that. And if you do want that, you shouldn’t want to be with Greg because he does none of those things, and the way you feel with him is different than how you’d feel with someone who prioritized you. It doesn’t matter what Greg’s feelings for you are – though it’s obvious he doesn’t feel much — you should be feeling that this isn’t someone who is worthy of your time and attention. And he’s not. MOA.

My boyfriend, “Bruce,” and I have been together for three years now and living together for about a year. We live in a town that is about 45 minutes away from both our jobs. I want to move out so we can be closer to where we work, but Bruce doesn’t want to because we rent from his dad and he doesn’t want to set him off. We have no lease with his dad, and we’ve been paying rent in a home that is unfinished (as in, a good 1/3 of the house doesn’t have any flooring installed, no baseboards are down, etc). There are cheaper options closer to our jobs and we would be saving thousands of miles on our vehicle that we are leasing if we moved. What should I do about this? — Ready to Move

 
Find a place that you can afford by yourself and present it as an option to Bruce for a place you both move into together. If he continues to reject the idea of moving (which he will), sign the lease by yourself, pack up your shit, and move on your own (the beauty of having no lease where you live now is that you can leave whenever you want with no penalty). The money you save in gas can go toward leasing a car for yourself instead of sharing one with Daddy Boy Bruce, and the time you save in commuting to and from work can be spent enjoying a home with full flooring (because it’s the little things…).

***************

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.

11 comments… add one
  • avatar

    LisforLeslie August 5, 2019, 8:10 am

    LW #1 – Wendy is right. You’re trying to be ‘the cool girl’ and downplaying your own needs. Let me ask you this: If nothing changed, if you never received attention except a random daily text and never received a compliment again, would you be satisfied? What do you need to feel satisfied? Is he giving you that? If not, have you asked for it? Tell people what you need. If they can’t or won’t give it to you, then you can make a decision whether you’re willing to stay.

    LW#2 – Your current set up is a “we” of three. You, bf and his dad. If that’s not what you want, then you do you. That may mean that you and Bruce are no longer a “we” but better to find out now that he’s incapable of standing up for himself.

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  • avatar

    anonymousse August 5, 2019, 8:36 am

    All you need to know about his feelings about you are that he canceled on you twice. That really says it all. You’re his last priority. Is that where he falls on your priority list? Stop replying to his texts. He does the bare minimum to keep in contact with you. He’s showed you his feelings already. Being nice or a “gentleman” is just a baseline requirement. That doesn’t make him exceptional in anyway.

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  • avatar

    MP August 5, 2019, 8:59 am

    LW#1 you sound just like me ages 18-24. I would stay in relationships (if you could even call them that) that were giving me nothing all because I wanted to prove to myself that some dude I didn’t even care for that much would want me.

    I know this isn’t what you want to hear but this guy doesn’t care about you at all. There’s no evidence to suggest he values you at all or even desires to see you. Don’t pay attention to what he says in his texts or their frequency. Pay attention to his action or inactions (cancelling on you, not seeing you when he’s in town, not doing anything to make you feel beautiful or cared for). You’ll find someone better and think more about if YOU actually like him, not hte other way around.

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  • avatar

    ron August 5, 2019, 9:19 am

    LW #1 – you sound really desperate. Why are you so desperate to hold onto this guy? He is only going to further reduce your self-esteem. He clearly doesn’t want to be your bf.

    LW #2 — good advice above to just move out. This problem with your bf being afraid of his father and roping you into stupid expensive decisions to keep his father from flying off the handle — that’s never going to change. You can marry, have 6 kids together, but his father will always control him and you will always be the woman who gets dragged along for the ride.

    P.S. When you move, break up with this guy and find a bf who is actually a mature, autonomous human being.

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  • avatar

    FYI August 5, 2019, 10:31 am

    LW1 — Have some frickin’ self-respect.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros August 5, 2019, 10:36 am

    LW1: Wendy is spot-on. If you’re seeing a guy who doesn’t act all that into you (cancels on you, doesn’t seem to care if you hang out or not, doesn’t tell you he likes you), your response should be to question whether you like him or not, whether you would be willing to date him or not, and whether he’s a good option for you. Your response is not supposed to be to hope/beg for him to like you. That’s a lot of power that you’re giving him, and the message is essentially “You can treat me however you want, as long as you just like me!”

    Maybe this guy is relatively nice. But as you get older, you’re going to meet men who treat you like this who aren’t really all that nice. It’s good for you to learn early on that the guy’s opinion is not the only one that matters in dating and your job isn’t just to convince a guy to toss you some crumbs.

    Sure, you can talk to him, but generally speaking, if a guy actually likes you, you wouldn’t be wondering if he did or not. You’d already know he did. “Mixed signals” is a myth. If you’re getting “mixed” signals, then generally, the answer is no. Or it’s “I like you, but not enough to treat you that great.”

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark August 5, 2019, 10:44 am

    LW1) he’s just NOT that into you? But this isn’t exactly much of a crisis as… You’re also just NOT that into him.
    .
    LW2) NEWSFLASH: sometimes you have to just set people off. Even if they’re your parents. (Or partner’s parents.) In this case the sheer costs you are both incurring seems far greater than any potential wrath here…

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  • avatar

    Donna August 5, 2019, 10:57 am

    LW#1…..I’ve been there. I think most of us have been at one time or another when we were younger. I remember killing myself to try to come off as the cool girl – being totally accommodating (at a cost to myself) for a guy who honestly didn’t deserve me. You can do way better than this. ♥

    LW#2…..it sounds like Greg is kind of cowed by his Dad, but you have to make Greg see that there may not be a ‘him and you’ if he doesn’t see a lack of sense in the arrangement you have right now. Living in a house that is missing some of it’s flooring sounds doesn’t sound very good. It brings images to my mind of the fixer-upper my Dad moved us into in my teenage years….never got around to most of the fixing up. 🙁

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  • Moneypenny

    Moneypenny August 5, 2019, 10:58 am

    LW1, you sound like me when I was a college student/in my early 20’s. It took a while, but I realized that wasting my energy on people who weren’t that into me, either romantically or even just as a friend, was just that- a waste.

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  • avatar

    Leon August 7, 2019, 4:06 pm

    Loved the almost evil-practicalesque advice given to LW2. Bravo!

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  • avatar

    allathian August 8, 2019, 4:16 am

    LW1, drop him like yesterday. You can do a lot better than this.

    LW2, move out on your own. If Bruce really cares about you, he’ll follow. If not, it’s his loss. You can do a lot better than this.

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