I had a random one-night stand (OK, two-night stand) with Guy A. I immediately regretted it, not just because Guy A is a jerk, but because I was getting to know Guy B and thought we would be great together. Both guys are long-distance, so after meeting them I would communicate with Guy B through text almost every day. Eventually, six months after meeting the first time, he came to visit me. We went to a concert and stayed up all night talking and getting to know each other. A few weeks later, I went to visit him, we started sleeping together and things have been absolutely wonderful for six months. Again, it’s long-distance. So we see each other twice a month. But he makes me so happy. He’s the kindest, most gentle man I’ve ever met. We take turns visiting each other and he initiates contact with me daily.
The issue is, six months in, we’ve never had an “Are we exclusive?” conversation. I am pretty sure that we are, but I don’t feel comfortable assuming that either. But it bothers me that he hasn’t brought it up. Should I assume he’s happy with the way things are? Honestly, Wendy, this is the first functional, happy relationship I’ve ever had and I don’t know how to handle it! — Glad I Chose Guy B
Hmm, you know, this letter could have been about Guy B and only Guy B. You could have left Guy A out of the equation completely and it wouldn’t have changed your question, which is why hasn’t Guy B broached a discussion about being exclusive yet. But, obviously, there’s a reason you left Guy A in the letter. I suspect you’re worried that Guy A — and more specifically, your two-night stand with him — could be connected to the ambiguity you feel about your relationship status with Guy B. Maybe you’re concerned that, on one of their happy hour meetups, Guy A mentioned to Guy B how you two hooked up a couple times. Or maybe you just feel bad about all of it and your regret is more than just regret — it’s guilt over this secret you’ve been keeping from Guy B.
But, look, you don’t need to feel guilty. So you slept with someone Guy B knows. Before you started dating. Big Whoop. It’s not something he needs to know about if he doesn’t, and, if he does, then it obviously isn’t something that bothers him too much if he’s been traveling out of town to see you once or twice a month for the last six months and talks to you every single day.
I say let the two-night stand with Guy A go. Let it go. He’s a jerk and he’s insignificant and he doesn’t matter. What matters is your relationship with Guy B, and, if you really like the guy and are ready to be exclusive and want to know where you stand with him, just ask him already! I mean, why do you have to wait for him to bring it up? If every straight woman waited for the guy to ask, “What are we?” then 95% would still be in the dark.
Buck up and ask. It doesn’t have to be some grand affair. Just say, “You know, I don’t date anyone else and don’t have any interest to. What about you?”
And he’ll probably look at you sort of surprised and say, “Yeah, I’m not dating anyone else. Why? Did you think I’m dating someone else? The thought hasn’t even crossed my mind.”
And then you’ll be like, “Oh, ok. Good. Cool. I didn’t think you were, but I wasn’t sure, so I wanted to ask. I’m glad I did. So… just to be clear then, you don’t want to date anyone else?”
And he’ll say, “No.” And you’ll say, “I don’t either! I just want to date you!” And he’ll shrug and smile and be like, “Good!” And then you’ll order a pizza.
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