“How Do You Know If it’s Time to Break Up?”

Years ago I was in a similar relationship. At the time, I was half the age you are now, which feels noteworthy only in that, come on!, I was 25 and I was wasting my youth in a relationship that I knew deep down wasn’t making me happy. I stayed in that relationship for four years though for exactly the same reasons you’re staying in your relationship. He was kind and he loved me and I felt safe and that counted for a lot. It counted for so much that, for too long, I ignored that nagging feeling that there was more for me. And him. That we both deserved something that we weren’t getting from the other. But I was so scared to end it. What if I didn’t find that “more” that I was looking for? What if I regretted my decision? What if no one was ever as kind to me as this boyfriend was and never made me feel as safe? What if the loneliness was even worse than the second-guessing? Than the emptiness of feeling unfulfilled in a relationship?

Here’s what I know for sure, without a shadow of a doubt: Feeling hesitation in ending an unfulfilling relationship absolutely, 100% does not mean you should stay in the relationship. All it means is that you don’t want to feel the sadness in letting go of something that has, on some level, brought something positive to your life. Look, I hesitate both going to the dentist and getting a mammogram. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t do those things. It means I want to avoid the discomfort of doing them. But what does avoiding discomfort get us? It doesn’t even save us from discomfort! Because there’s still the discomfort of worrying. You’re worrying that this relationship is all there is and you’re worrying – probably rightfully so – that it will not be enough for you. Putting off necessary medical appointments, I would worry – rightfully so – about my health.

Over the weekend, almost a full ten years after a doctor suggested it was time to get a mammogram, I finally got my first one. It was uncomfortable! There were some abnormalities in the reading and I had to go back for more imaging. There was more discomfort. It took up a big chunk of my afternoon yesterday. I had to get an ultrasound on top of the mammogram to get an even better look at what’s going on in my body. For a few minutes, when a doctor was called in to observe a cluster of concern, I felt my heart in my throat. Did I wait too long to do this? Have I let something grow that should have been removed a long time ago?

“This is normal,” the doctor said to me, patting my hand. “I promise, you have nothing to worry about.” Minutes later, she gave me the all clear and sent me home. Phew. But now that I know what to expect, I will go every year. I don’t ever want that discomfort again of worry that I waited too long.

Years ago, when I was in that unfulfilling relationship with the very nice guy who treated me well, there came a moment when I couldn’t take the discomfort of doubting myself – doubting the relationship – any longer. Whatever came next – even if it was a lifetime of loneliness – had to be better than what I was afraid the rest of my life would be like in a relationship that felt like a shoe I’d worn-out – floppy and loose, with no support, and not even cute to look at anymore. And so, I ended things. And the world did not stop spinning.

What happened next is what happens in a lot of these scenarios: I did not meet Mr. Right right away. I met some Mr. Wrongs first. And maybe even a Mr. Right or two at the wrong time. I was lonely for a bit. I cried a lot. I doubted myself. But! I had cried a lot and doubted myself in the relationship I had left, too, and what was different about these tears and doubts was the potential and hope I felt in the possibility of change. I didn’t have much hope that things would change while in that relationship. And I bet you don’t either. (And for the record: Unless you have an issue like depression that can be treated, the likelihood of feeling attracted to your girlfriend again after quickly losing attraction is pretty low. If anyone who has experienced the resurgence of attraction disagrees, I would love to hear your experience in the comments! But I don’t think I’ve ever heard of this happening.)

Here’s another thing I know: Your girlfriend is not a kitten you’ll be leaving in the middle of the road. She is not going to be shocked that you want to end the relationship. She’s not going to hate you forever. She’s not going to resent going back to the dating pool. What she will resent is if you continue lying to her and keeping her in a relationship where she isn’t valued for everything she can offer. Just because you aren’t attracted to her doesn’t mean there aren’t people who would be very attracted to her and would make her happy. You are not giving her something that is irreplaceable. You are not providing a service to her that is essential to her well-being. There’s a very good chance that, instead, what she feels in this relationship with you is a sense of not being enough. I’ve been in that position too, and it sucks. You keep hoping you’re wrong. You tell yourself that if the other person hasn’t ended the relationship, maybe this feeling is all in your head because why would someone stay with you if they aren’t really feeling it? And then you look for clues because this feeling won’t go away. You look for clues to validate the feeling – the feeling that your boyfriend isn’t really into you. And let me tell you, that’s a terrible thing to do. You’re not doing your girlfriend any favors keeping her in this downward spiral. A kitten left in the middle of the road can quickly flee to safety. What you’re doing is keeping some bait dangling in front of her as she continues to dodge traffic.

Let her go and set yourself free. Whatever discomfort that comes next – and there will be some – will at least come with the potential of something better. There’s no potential where you sit now. It’s just a forever after of what you’re feeling now, which sounds so empty and unsatisfying. Ultimately, you’ll look back at where you are now and realize that this is where the biggest discomfort lay – that everything that came after at least led you somewhere else. And that somewhere else may end up being where you find real happiness.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.