Mother’s Day, as I’m sure you know, is this weekend, and I found myself Googling “How do you spend Mother’s Day” yesterday afternoon because I was curious about what other moms do. I know it’s typical to spend the day with your kids because they’re the ones who made you a mom and, hopefully, you enjoy spending time with them. I like spending time with my kid… but, to be honest, if it’s supposed to be a special day for me, what would really make it special is to have some down time that wasn’t all about my child. Because, let’s face it: if you have a two-year-old, it is ALWAYS about the two-year-old. Sleeping in, drinking coffee and a croissant in bed, taking a bubble bath in the middle of the morning — these sound like pretty good ways to spend Mother’s Day, if you ask me. And then, yes, I’d like to re-convene with my husband and child and spend the rest of the day with them. (Although, a friend of mine said she wanted to find a “wifi-enabled, kid-free, tropical island” for us to go spend the whole day, and that sounded pretty good too).
Anyway, I was Googling “How do you spend Mother’s Day” to see what other moms do/ enjoy doing on their day and I found this article: “Whose Mother’s Day Is It Anyway?” about the tension between young mothers sharing the day with their own mothers or, even more tension-building, their mothers-in-law. Many new/newish moms, who would love nothing more than a day of sleeping in, drinking coffee in bed, taking a bubble bath and then spending the rest of their day with their family, find themselves celebrating Mother’s Day by bringing their kid(s) to see Grandma, even if that means hours of commuting with a baby and all its accoutrements.
“I did not envision spending my first Mother’s Day lugging a million items, renting a car, dealing with traffic, all to be somewhere where I had to pass my son around to everyone,” Kate, who lives in New York City, told ABC News. “I just wanted to just spend it with my son, I barely get to see him during the week as it is.”
Oy. This is not something I’ve dealt with. First of all, I see my son plenty during the week, so I don’t think I would feel slighted or like I was missing out if extended family members wanted to play with him for an afternoon. Actually, that sounds kind of awesome (especially if I can go lie down somewhere and read the paper while this is happening). But also, my mother-in-law, sadly, passed away well before I was in the picture, and my own mother had, until this past year, lived too far away to visit for a weekend (I did offer to come see her this Mother’s Day, but we mutually decided that early June was a better time for a visit). And so: Mother’s Day is all mine to do what I want (within reason). And as I said, what I want is a couple of hours to myself to do nothing in peace. Also, a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich from the coffee shop down the street would be good, too (hint, hint, Drew).
Moms, how do you want to spend Mother’s Day? And how is what you want typically different than what you get, if at all?
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kerrycontrary May 8, 2014, 3:28 pm
Oh my goodness I would be horrified if my parents or in-laws demanded me to drive and visit them with a young child. I don’t think mother’s day is a “big enough” holiday that in-laws *need* to see your child. It’s like your family demanding you come see them for labor day, when really, you could have other plans. Isn’t that what flower delivery services are for? We coincidentally are going to be at my parents over mothers day so it works out, but usually it’s not a huge deal for my mom.
Wendy—It sounds like your ideal situation is you staying in a hotel for a night and getting breakfast in bed and then meeting up with drew/jackson later. I would MUCH rather do that then get a tangible gift on mothers day.
Banana May 8, 2014, 3:37 pm
Yeah, I’m not a mom either so my opinion is relatively meaningless, but…the idea that grandparents would demand that a new parent drive to THEM on Mother’s Day makes me really mad. Hopefully the grandparents remember what it was like to be new parents, themselves, and have the patience and understanding to climb into their own freaking cars to make the drive to see their grandkids if that’s what they want to do, they’re welcome by the hosts, and they’re able to do it on their own.
shanshantastic May 9, 2014, 8:35 am
My mom told me that she didn’t want to see me on Mother’s Day – “It’s your first one,” she said, “and you need to spend it with your little family.” So we’re having a girls-and-baby day tomorrow – craft show, farmer’s market, lunch – and we’ll connect with my MIL at a birthday party tomorrow night.
SO looking forward to relaxing on Sunday. And eggs and bacon are on the menu, so I hear… 🙂
bethany May 8, 2014, 3:39 pm
I’m not a mom, but I’m going to go see my mom for Mother’s Day. I wanted to take her out to lunch, but she said it would be too crowded, so my Dad is going to grill for us!
If I had a child I wouldn’t mind going bringing it to see my mom for Mother’s Day, but she only lives an hour away, so it’s not that big of a deal. But honestly, I never even would have thought of doing that- I would just assume that since I’m a mom now, I’d get to celebrate the day however I want! Especially for your first Mother’s Day! It seems like that’s something you might want to celebrate just with your child and co-parent (if there is one).
csp May 8, 2014, 3:42 pm
My MIL hates that she has to “Share” mother’s day with her MIL (who is 98 years old). Funny story though…actually, not funny but awkward. So my husband and I try and see both mothers and last year did brunch with my parents then dinner with his. Well this year, my mom was like “I want dinner since I had to do brunch last year.” fine, so I tell my MIL and she is like “I want dinner.” So I was running back and forth trying to make everyone happy. Then a few days ago, I found out that our recent fertility cycle failed. Now, both mothers are super accommodating and say that they don’t even need to see me if it is too hard. So petty drama gets trumped by actual drama.
Dear Wendy May 8, 2014, 3:47 pm
So sorry about the failed fertility cycle. A good friend of mine has had four or five of those now and my heart just breaks for her every time.
csp May 9, 2014, 8:53 am
Thanks Wendy 🙂 I thought your note on facebook about mother’s day was very sweet.
honeybeenicki May 8, 2014, 8:58 pm
Sorry to hear about your failed cycle 🙁 We’re going through the same thing right now and it really really sucks. It has gotten so frustrating that we’re taking the summer off before we hit up a new specialist. I’m sending positive knocked up vibes your way so hopefully it’ll work next time around!
csp May 9, 2014, 8:55 am
Yea, sometimes you just need a break. Thanks for the good vibes.
lemongrass May 8, 2014, 3:42 pm
Last year we did visit my inlaws on mothers day but it was just for a visit, it wasn’t a “come see me for mothers day” thing. This year I don’t know what Mr. Grass has planned but I’m sure it is something since last year he didn’t do anything (not even a card) and I told him I was a bit disappointed.
bethany May 8, 2014, 3:45 pm
Not even a card?!! WTF? I would have cried. 🙁
lindsaybob May 8, 2014, 4:35 pm
I told my husband in advance that I would be really upset if he did nothing for Mother’s Day, because he has a tendency to overlook that kind of thing and I have learned from DW to ask for what I really want rather than wait for him to screw up then sulk about it. Hooray for personal growth! I would’ve been SO upset if my first Mother’s Day had been forgotten.
Dear Wendy May 8, 2014, 3:49 pm
I asked Drew if he had anything planned and he said he wanted to cook breakfast and dinner. God bless Drew, but the man isn’t experienced in the kitchen by any means. I had an instant vision of him, totally stressed out, a mess everywhere, and me chasing jackson around, while Drew tried to make an egg casserole or chicken parmesan. So I suggested maybe we go out to eat (or get takeout).
snoopy128 May 8, 2014, 3:51 pm
Perhaps hint even more strongly for that bacon and cheese coffee shop sandwich?
I can imagine your kitchen distaster scenario…
Dear Wendy May 8, 2014, 3:56 pm
I’m going to just come right out and ask for that sandwich!
lemongrass May 8, 2014, 3:57 pm
My husband does cook, and he’s good at it, but it’s not really a break when they are cooking since you have to watch the kid anyways.
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 4:00 pm
That’s what playpens are for! (or bjorns even)
lemongrass May 8, 2014, 4:06 pm
Haha you haven’t met E in person. He literally never stops moving and is strong enough to push his playpen down. He likes being worn but only if you are walking at a brisk pace. And don’t you dare think about driving slower than 20 km/h
shanshantastic May 9, 2014, 8:38 am
Our kids could be twins, if it wasn’t for the age difference and the fact that they came from two different sets of parents…
lemongrass May 9, 2014, 9:58 am
Haha nice! People always say to me “wow, he’s sure busy!” but they don’t quite understand that I’m serious when I say if he is not sleeping he is moving.
Banana May 8, 2014, 3:59 pm
Hah, classic. And yeah, cooking for someone is a nice gesture, but even when the cook IS adept in the kitchen, sometimes it’s just a special treat to out out somewhere — experiencing a new cuisine, enjoying it with your partner equally (not watching him get stressed about the results, or too exhausted by the end to be able to enjoy it as much), not even having to THINK about the clean-up ahead…I know that making something (anything!) for someone personally is seen as a gift from the heart, but sometimes just paying for the meal is gift enough!
Classic May 9, 2014, 9:23 am
Hah, banana.
🙂
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 3:46 pm
I’ve always enjoyed Mother’s Day, even the one when I was pregnant. My brother brought me flowers that year and I can’t even think about it without getting teary eyed. Every year since, he’s sent me flowers and a note which was so nice especially in the early years when Lil was too young to acknowledge it and there was no dad around to either. I have them all in my nightstand drawer.
.
Now that Lil is old enough, I get the usual macaroni necklace type stuff and a sad, but sweet attempt at breakfast in bed. She’s become quite the little cook lately though, so hopefully I have some unburnt eggs coming my way! Other than that, the rest of the day is for my mom, stepmom and grandmothers. Well, now only one grandmother, but now Peter’s mom is added which is nice. I tend to get them all spa gift certificates and flowers which they seem to appreciate. I try to send flowers to my girlfriends who are moms now and usually hear from all my friends which is sweet too. Even though I can’t really stand my stepmother, I know it means a lot to her that we acknowledge her on that day.
.
This year, I’ve invited everyone for a Mother’s Day BBQ which I’m really excited for. Finally a backyard for a BBQ! Peter usually gets me a nice gift and a card too, which is thoughtful.
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 3:47 pm
Oh, and Peter’s sister is expecting this year which should be awesome for her. I’ll have to pick something up for her. She’s always been sweet to me on Mother’s Day. I got really lucky with Peter’s family.
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 3:54 pm
Also, my mom’s birthday falls on Mother’s Day a lot, or the same weekend and just her and I will go out together for it which is so nice. We NEVER get to be alone together. We’re going gambling and drinking tomorrow for it! Last year, she told her friends that we ran into how the greatest part about me being older is how we can go out as friends and drink together. 🙂
bethany May 8, 2014, 3:54 pm
I just mailed my best friend a Mother’s Day card! I thought she’d like it 🙂
lemongrass May 8, 2014, 4:05 pm
Wow you’re an awesome friend!
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 4:09 pm
Haha, there’s only 2 that are moms, so its not like I’m buying a truck of flowers or anything 🙂 I guess I assume the worst and that their husbands will forget or something and I remember how nice it was that anyone acknowledged it for me.
Banana May 8, 2014, 3:48 pm
Random tangent: I send my aunts cards on mother’s day, too. Two of them are childless (not by choice — just the way life worked out) and one of those played a big role in my life, and my brother’s lives, as we grew up and chose our careers, because she just threw her energy into being a really engaged auntie.
Banana May 8, 2014, 3:50 pm
OOOOH! And this year will be my SIL’s first Mother’s Day — my little nephew was born right after Mother’s Day last year. I should pop something in the mail for her, too.
Banana May 8, 2014, 4:02 pm
OOOOH! This leads me to a Unified Theory of Mother’s Day. It seems (especially from the “sharing” article) that people get especially butthurt when they think Mother’s Day should be FOR them, instead of seeing it as a day when everyone GIVES and RECEIVES love and appreciation. Your birthday is a day you get to have everyone celebrate you as an individual. Mother’s Day is when you share the love, generally, with mothers and mother figures. So if you’re a mom, yeah, soak it up — but everyone HAS a mom (at least at some point) too, and mother figures, so never forget you ought to be sharing at SOME point on that day, too.
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 4:03 pm
Love this!
lindsaybob May 8, 2014, 3:49 pm
Mother’s Day is in March in the UK and this year was my first. My husband agreed to be responsible for all child care tasks the whole day, let me sleep in and take a long bath, then we all went out for a late lunch with my parents-in-law and brother-in-law. It was pretty great!
snoopy128 May 8, 2014, 3:49 pm
Not a mom, but going to spend Mothers Day with mine! As in the whole day! It’s also tradition for the ‘kids’ to make dinner on Mothers/Fathers day as well as birthdays.
My family has a tradition of Sunday night dinners, which I’m sure I will be going to as long as I am in the same town as my parents, so I could imagine the first few Mother’s days I have (in 10ish years hopefully) will consist of Sunday night dinner at someone’s house. But I wouldn’t imagine spending the whole day with my mom when I have children.
Lyra May 8, 2014, 3:50 pm
Last year I spent Mother’s Day with my then boyfriend and his mom. I LOVED his mom, and I’m kind of sad that she’s not part of my life anymore, but it was really fun to go to brunch and go for a walk with her when my own mom was hundreds of miles away. This year I’m spending the day with my own mama. We’ll probably spend Sunday gardening, because that’s what our family does together. My parents have huge gardens and they haven’t really had a chance to plant them yet. Planting is one of my favorite things, so I’m looking forward to that. I sent her two gifts, a bouquet of roses and a few days later she’ll get a carton of chocolate dipped strawberries. She isn’t expecting either, so I’m excited for her to be surprised. 🙂
LadyinPurpleNotRed May 8, 2014, 4:04 pm
I’ll be away from my mom this year (like many since I started college/grad school), so when I’m gone, I always make sure to send a card and remind my dad and older brother. When I was at home, I’d take over cooking and then maybe have a nice low key day reading, playing games, relaxing. If there’s something my mom wanted to do, we would, but she generally like low-key events. This year I’ll have just moved (tomorrow!) to FL so I’m assuming we’ll be seeing my boyfriend’s mom and grandmother
No Pants May 8, 2014, 4:06 pm
Well, my parents will be away for a wedding this weekend, so we won’t see my mom on Sunday. But I think I’m going to visit my grandmother! I never know if she’s going to know who I am, but I like keeping her company and showing her pics from the wedding. Even when she can’t quite remember why she knows me, she always seems to know He Pants. She likes to tell me she’d give me a run for my money and compete for him if she was 60 years younger. Haha I love my grandmother! She’s my best friend, so that’s what I’ll do on Sunday. I also sent a card to my SIL and thanked her for having us be such a big part of Wee Pants’ life.
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 4:11 pm
That’s so weird. My grandfather remembers me 50% of the time but always remembers Peter! Your grandma sounds sweet.
lindsaybob May 8, 2014, 4:43 pm
My grandmother was exactly the same when she had dementia. She would pretty much always remember who I was after a brief moment of confusion but she could never remember what I was studying at university or, later, what my job was. Meanwhile my husband, my boyfriend at the time, only had to show up and straight away she was be, like, “oh look, it’s L, he works in magazines!” and start telling whoever else was there all about him. She used to make the same kind of comments about competing for him if she was younger too.
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 4:56 pm
So funny!
Banana May 8, 2014, 4:58 pm
You know, I think I was reading about how recent brain studies are revealing that long-distant memories may be stored in a different part of the brain from more recent ones. (Not even short-term vs long-term memory, but recent vs not-recent long-term memories.) That might explain why they remember recent additions to the family more than the ones who have been around all along?
No Pants May 9, 2014, 8:36 am
Yes! My other grandmother did the same thing before she passed away.
No Pants May 9, 2014, 8:39 am
I think it’s extra confusing because I’m named after her. So I’ll say, “Hi, Grandma, it’s No Pants!” and she’ll give me this look like, “Wait, I thought I was No Pants?” Names confuse her, but she still has a grasp on relationships. She’ll say, “Oh, you’re my baby girl’s baby girl.” (My mom is her youngest child.) She never ever forgets my Grandpa. She’ll point to him and say, “That man over there is the love of my life.”
stickelet May 9, 2014, 12:33 pm
My grandma (dad’s mom) had dementia at the end of her life and she always thought I was my mom (we look a lot alike) which was awkward because my parents were divorced. We’d say ‘No Grandma, I’m Sara’ but she wouldn’t remember 1 minute later. After a while we just stop correcting her.
stickelet May 9, 2014, 12:33 pm
stopped*
Portia May 8, 2014, 4:14 pm
So, I’m not a mom myself, but when we were younger, the whole family would go out to a field near our house to fly kites. And eat peanuts. Well I think the peanuts were mostly to keep us occupied, with the shells and all. Since they became empty nesters, I don’t really remember what she has done, but us kids usually go in on a gift together and of course call.
Addie Pray May 8, 2014, 4:38 pm
Growing up my parents scoffed at “Hallmark” holidays which included: Valentine’s Day (though my father would always get my mother and me chocolate), Mother’s Day, and Father’s Day… and really any holiday requiring a card or something (so by definition not Thanksgiving, the 4th of July, etc., they can’t be “Hallmark” holidays because no gifts required/expected) other than Christmas and birthdays. If we ever made stuff in school for them I wouldn’t give it to them because if/when I tried they rolled their eyes as if to say, “Oh please, let’s not stoop that low.” … So I was too embarrassed to celebrate those kind of holidays. It kind of blew my mind later on to see people actually celebrate these holidays and to expect stuff and to see kids stressed out about what to give, etc. Even today, if I call my mother this Friday and say “Happy Mother’s Day!” She’ll sarcastically say something like “oh geez, thanks you know it’s such an important day…” …. It’s weird b/c the woman loves to be wined and dined, so it’s not as if she doesn’t like to celebrate. It’s weird. But really, as a kid, I remember being really ashamed and embarrassed if I tried to bring home a macaroni necklace – embarrassed that my parents would make fun of me. That’s kind of sad now that I think about it. Anyway, happy mothers’ day, DW moms!
Addie Pray May 8, 2014, 4:40 pm
*I mean this Sunday, if I call this Sunday…. Or whenever Mother’s Day is. I’ve been scarred by being teased about trying to do stuff for my parents as kid that I’ve blocked the holiday. You’d think these holidays were designed to celebrate the DEVIL or something by how much my parents hated them.
Banana May 8, 2014, 4:42 pm
Aw, that IS sad. I think the sad part about people who scoff at holidays they consider to be too commercial is that they don’t realize that actually creating another occasion for people to be generous, express their love, and go out of their way to make each other feel good is a WONDERFUL thing, even if its roots were in a marketing scheme. Maybe if it makes you feel better you can spend Mother’s Day sending cards or making calls to your friends who are mothers, or aunts or mother-figures, who would be more receptive to it.
Banana May 8, 2014, 4:43 pm
OR, send an un-mothers-day card. Like, send your mom a condolence card or something that says, “I’m thinking of you on this difficult day.”
Addie Pray May 8, 2014, 4:49 pm
Oh that’s good, she’ll think it’s funny. But really, no one cry any tears for my mother that she is not receiving a card and flowers on Sunday. That woman is pampered silly, and she’ll be pampered silly until the day she dies.
Addie Pray May 8, 2014, 4:48 pm
Well, but they were generous, expressed their love and went out of their way for each other, their kids, their parents, etc. ALL THE TIME. And I think that’s another reason they made fun of it. They kind of saw it as a cheap way to celebrate people just one day a year and they made fun of people who would, like, get their mom a card “just because it’s Mother’s Day and yay mom!” but then were jerks the other 364 days of the year. Like as if they were fulfilling some sort of checklist for being a good kid. Like a “Oh, you think because you went and spent money on a card and a gift you’re a good daughter? no, do nice stuff all the time; but not measured by money” – I dunno, I think those were the reasons. …. So I dunno, I get it, but I also like celebrating anything and everything all of the time so I dunno, I may be more laid back about it then them.
LlamaPajamas May 9, 2014, 9:43 am
My family is the same way, but to a lesser extent. My parents are extremely generous and loving with everyone and my sister and I tell them we love them all the time, and we love to send them random little gifts and cards throughout the year. They don’t roll their eyes at us when we give them Mother’s Day or Father’s Day cards and gifts, but they always tell us not to waste our money on them. I think Mother’s Day is similar to Valentine’s Day – overly commercialized and totally contrived – but I still celebrate because I never turn down a chance to tell my loved ones that I love them.
Jess May 8, 2014, 5:30 pm
That’s a good point that I have vaguely pondered in the past. This year, I’m married and pregnant. So I have a mother-in-law, a mom, a pregnant sister (mom to be), another sister who is a mom, and 2 grandmothers in the picture. I am trying to recognize all of these moms in my life while still holding out hope that my husband gets me a mom-to-be card (I’ve dropped hints!!). I will be running around like a lunatic on mother’s day. But hopefully it will end with a quiet bubble bath.
veritek33 May 8, 2014, 5:36 pm
I’m not a mother, but for my mom we usually do something simple. My parents are super low key and just don’t stress out about that stuff. So I usually come to their house and make her a meal of her choice, or take her out for lunch and give her a small gift. This year I got her a purse and I’m making a wreath for their front door. She really doesn’t expect much. I think she just likes hanging out and relaxing.
I will say, last year my friend did something so sweet. She sent me a mother’s day card for dog mothers. I know my beagles are NOWHERE NEAR the effort of real kids, but they do require some work and I love them as if they are children. So getting a sweet “Dog Mother’s Day” card from her was just so nice and special.
Jenny May 8, 2014, 5:38 pm
I too have learned from DW just to ask my husband for what I want instead of hoping he’ll read my mind. So I told him this year on Mother’s Day, I’d like it to be just us – this is my third as a mom. The very first year, he was deployed, and last year I felt was a bit more focused on my MIL. So this year, my MIL is coming over on Saturday. I will make her dinner and my husband will bake her a cake! 🙂 from a box, but still pretty cute. Sunday will be just us. Sadly, my own mom passed away eleven years ago, but having my own child now and also having my MIL to celebrate has taken away a lot of the sting of Mother’s Day.
Amanda May 8, 2014, 5:43 pm
This year will be my first Mothers’ Day as a parent! I am so excited! Since my husband and I are searching for jobs after grad school, we aren’t going to do anything that costs money. Instead, we (husband, baby and I) are going to go for a walk one the trails through one of our city’s parks. It’s as close to the forest as we can get right now. I am so excited!
Amanda May 8, 2014, 5:44 pm
Yikes, I am so excited that I forgot to fix my typos. Sorry!
gigi May 8, 2014, 4:48 pm
Well, I am not with the majority here…. I do not have my children on Mother’s day. They are with their Dad. When we set up visitation he chose this schedule, as his perfect idea of Father’s Day is NO KIDS at all. At the time I was still very accommodating , wanting to please, etc…so I agreed to it. Which means that always I am without them on Mother’s day. And its really nice in some ways to just not be “on-duty”, but sometimes I feel like people think there is something wrong with me or I am a bad mom since I don’t have my kids on Mother’s Day. And I do miss seeing them, although their dad has in years past made sure to have them drop off, or bring home cards/gifts on Monday. But Mother’s day is a kind of a sad day for me, since its the day he chose to leave his family 4 years ago. He left a Happy Mother’s Day cake on the table & moved out. So, I guess in a way, this day was kind of ruined for me anyway.
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 4:52 pm
I’m sorry Gigi. I hope you have a nice, relaxing Mother’s Day anyway.
gigi May 8, 2014, 5:01 pm
Thanks LBH, its funny how you feel like you are “over it” until all of a sudden, something like reading these responses reminds you ….
lets_be_honest May 8, 2014, 5:09 pm
I can only imagine. My dad actually left my mom on her birthday. He came home to get his stuff, which a big hickey on his neck. People suck.
Anyway, I hope you don’t feel guilty for not having them though. I think it makes sense! And I hope you can reframe the holiday with good memories of pampering the shit out of yourself.
Emsz May 8, 2014, 5:56 pm
My mum is going to help me move on Sunday, and so is my dad. 😛 We don’t really observe Mother’s day, or Father’s day for that matter.
Addie Pray May 9, 2014, 8:06 am
Sounds like my fam! Except I WANT to celebrate it!
*
I’d really support an Auntie’s Day too.
mylaray May 8, 2014, 6:41 pm
I do feel for moms on Mother’s Day because it seems to be more difficult to relax than fathers on Father’s Day and get a break since moms still tend to do more housework and childcare and the dad may not cook. So then you go to a crowded restaurant or cook your own meal. It sounds tiring. I don’t think I’ll want to do much when I become a mom, but who knows, that could change.
theattack May 8, 2014, 6:56 pm
I’ll be at my parents’ house Sunday morning, and then I have to rush up and drive three hours to get to P’s aunt’s house for a family lunch. I only get to see my mom for maybe a couple of hours this weekend even though I’m staying at her house. When I lived with my parents, I would always do something for mom for mother’s day, but in recent years, I’ve just been calling her and giving her a gift the next time I see her.
There is no way in hell I would ever drive my kids over to grandma’s house for mother’s day. If the day is to appreciate mothers, shouldn’t the CURRENT moms be the ones who are getting the most appreciation and accommodations? That makes no sense to me.
Jenny May 8, 2014, 7:08 pm
Your MIL isn’t your husband’s mother anymore? I don’t get this. I know my MIL doesn’t parent her three grown children the way I parent my two year old, but she’s still a CURRENT mom. Plus, she raised my husband and that’s super awesome and worth celebrating.
theattack May 8, 2014, 8:20 pm
I didn’t specify mother or MIL actually, and I DEFINITELY didn’t say what you’re accusing me of. I’m saying that Mother’s Day is to appreciate how much mothers do and have done for their children. It doesn’t make sense to add a whole lot of work to a mother who is currently going through all of those hard things in order to supposedly celebrate mothers. That doesn’t make sense to me. That’s not celebrating the currently active mother, and it’s potentially making her day shitty. Expecting a mom of young children to do all of that is, to me, a lack of understanding and appreciation for what mothers do.
theattack May 8, 2014, 8:31 pm
A better way, IMO, would be to have a lengthy phone call or skype call and send flowers or something like that. Having to pack up the kids and rent a car and drive a good distance is ridiculous for a mom with small kids. You really twisted my words around, Jenny.
Jenny May 8, 2014, 9:42 pm
I don’t think I twisted anything…you used the words “current moms”. And saying “currently active” to me isn’t much different. They’re both active! Just in different ways. Also, not everyone lives so far from their parents/in laws. Look, I mean, I’m spending Saturday with my MIL and Sunday with my husband and son. I don’t disagree totally with what you’re saying. Just took issue with the “current moms” comment or “currently active moms” or however you want to phrase it. There really isn’t a need to get so defensive when people disagree with you, TA.
theattack May 8, 2014, 10:16 pm
There’s also no need to put words in someone’s mouth. It’s fine to disagree. We do that politely here all the time. You don’t like my word choice. Fine.
And obviously I know that not everyone has to drive that far. That wasn’t what the article Wendy linked to was about.
theattack May 8, 2014, 10:25 pm
My issue is that you knew what I meant, and it was just a convenient word choice for lack of any other way to say it, and you turned it into me basically hating my mother in law, saying that mothers of adults aren’t worthy of celebrating, and saying that they don’t currently do any mothering roles. That’s not a disagreement with anything I said – it’s just being picky and unfriendly.
Jenny May 8, 2014, 10:47 pm
Why are you assuming I knew what you meant? I didn’t. I said MIL because my mother is deceased so in my mind, grandma = MIL. That’s my own thing, had nothing to do with you. You used the terms “current mom” and “currently active mom”. Those were YOUR words. I didn’t put words in your mouth. I wasn’t trying to be unfriendly. You’re making a shit ton of assumptions about my intentions. Your word choice was poor. I really don’t know what you mean by “currently active”. You seem to mean “mothers of young children”, and I don’t think those two things are equivalent. I just think there’s enough celebration for everyone and no one needs to claim the day for themselves. You didn’t say mothers of adults aren’t worthy of celebrating but you did imply that mothers of young children should be celebrated more. And I disagree. And that’s fine. I don’t think I’m the one being unfriendly. And I’m going to stop engaging with you now because it’s pretty pointless.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2014, 10:17 am
I think my mom gets the best of mothers day because her children’s ages are so spaced out that she’s the mom of adult kids who can afford to buy her nice gifts, and the mom of younger kids, so she still gets the cute macaroni necklaces too. So she’s both the moms you describe.
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I think the solution to your logic is quiet, relaxing morning for “you” and then the evening for your mom (assuming you live somewhat near each other).
Addie Pray May 9, 2014, 8:03 am
Whoa all she did was question your use of “CURRENT moms.” What does that mean anyway, besides currently active? I assume like she did you mean moms of young kids? Just clarifying, I don’t think jenny was accusing you of anything but rather was disagreeing with you. Anyone who’s a mom of adult kids will likely disagree ha!
Addie Pray May 9, 2014, 8:13 am
(Not that Jenny is a mom of adults kids; I’m just saying, … Oh I don’t care; the defensive rant was pretty funny to read – anywayzzzzzzz)
Jenny May 9, 2014, 8:40 am
Haha, right? I can just imagine if I told my MIL she’s not a “current mom” or “currently active”. I live super close to my in laws, but my SIL lives in another country. I still think my MIL is is pretty active in her life, even if its mostly over Skype. This whole thing was silly because in theory I agree. I just see it as…now that my husband and I have a child, things are switching so that our celebrations are more focused on our nuclear family instead of extended family. That’s a natural progression. It has nothing to do with me deserving to be celebrated more because my kid is 2. My husband and his siblings were 2 once! If anything, my MIL deserves more credit because she raised 3 awesome kids, and my kid could still grow up to be an asshole, you know? 🙂
theattack May 9, 2014, 2:16 pm
Yeah, I definitely didn’t say that mothers of young kids DESERVE to be celebrated more.
iwannatalktosampson May 9, 2014, 10:02 am
I get what you’re saying theattack. There’s a HUGE difference between a mom of a kid 0-18 and a mom of a grown up. It’s the day to day mom duties vs the love and support you give an adult child. I’m not sure why everyone’s so offended by that notion. People are whack.
lemongrass May 9, 2014, 10:07 am
I’m going to chime in for TA’s defence too. I can understand why you are feeling defensive since you have been getting personal down-thumbs lately and that can make you feel defensive when people criticize you too. Plus really, besides what words TA used her message wasn’t offensive. Yes, mothers of small children shouldn’t be expected to spend mothers day travelling to see their mothers or MILs if they don’t want to. If it is really important that the grandma’s see their children then they can travel to see them, it is a whole lot easier in most cases for them to travel than it is a family with small children.
Addie Pray May 9, 2014, 10:12 am
I don’t think there was anything wrong with what TA said – she just was expressing her opinion, but so did Jenny. And then bam TA acted like she had just been attacked and/or her words twisted, but I don’t think Jenny was attacking her – just disagreeing that the day should focus on mothers of kids as opposed to adult kids.
Jenny May 9, 2014, 11:13 am
Exactly, I wasn’t “so offended” by anything. I just questioned her wording. I think TA’s response took it to a different level. Can’t I disagree with someone without it being an attack? As far as feeling defensive because of “personal down thumbs”…I think there are so many things in life worthy of getting upset over, and that’s just not one of them. Are there ANY frequent commenters who haven’t been down thumbed before? Even on seemingly innocuous posts?
theattack May 9, 2014, 2:15 pm
I’ll admit that I overreacted last night. Part of that is because you (or I’m assuming it’s been you, because it’s the username Jenny anyway) have popped up seemingly out of nowhere before just to tell me why I’m terribly wrong and what all of my personal flaws as if you know me and as if we’ve been having a conversation already. I was reacting to that rather than just a simple disagreement since you’ve done that before. Although I do still think you twisted around what I said when you could have just calmly said that you didn’t agree with that word choice.
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And I still stand by my original thought. Mothers of young children should not be put out and have their Mother’s Day full of work in order to celebrate someone with adult children. That doesn’t apply to small scale things, but traveling and going to a lot of trouble like the lady in Wendy’s link seems counter-celebratory to me. I don’t know why that’s so controversial.
Jenny May 9, 2014, 3:14 pm
I said I was done discussing this with you, but I felt compelled to reply to this particular comment because I find it kind of…odd? I use my first name as my user name, and it’s a common name, so I’m probably not as recognizeable as someone with a username like yours or AP or LBH. But I do comment on the site from time to time and 99% of the time, my comments have nothing to do with you. I did disagree with you once before. But your comment makes it seem like I come out of nowhere once in a while to attack you which is so far from being true. And it’s not like I was super rude to you either so you having this reaction to me on a personal level just sort of baffles me.
And seriously, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don’t think mother’s of young children should be “put out” to celebrate mothers of adult children. I didn’t disagree with that. I disagreed with your use of the word “current” because that felt very dismissive to me. I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I wasn’t offended. I don’t think I twisted your words around. I don’t know how to “calmly” say things on the internet. I think my comment was pretty mild. I’m not sure why you feel like I have this personal vendetta against you, TA, because I disagreed with you one other time.
I was thinking as I wrote this what I disagreed with you about before, and I think I remember…it was because you said your job was to literally judge parents or something like that, and I questioned that. Because I have a similar line of work and I was just kind of taken aback by that comment. I wasn’t personally attacking you then, and I’m not personally attacking you now. But next time I disagee with you, I’ll keep it to myself.
lets_be_honest May 9, 2014, 3:29 pm
I just wanted to point out that Lets actually is my first name. Its common where I’m from and I find this ignorance insulting.
Jenny May 9, 2014, 3:56 pm
Well, awesome, because I aim to offend! 🙂
katie May 8, 2014, 6:56 pm
I just picked my mom up at the airport! We have always hung out for Mother’s Day, usually just brunch or something, but then I moved away, but so far it’s been ok because we have accidentally spent Mother’s Day together for two years running now. It’s hilarious. Last year it was just the random weekend we decided to visit Colorado, this year is because there is a wedding this year. So this year we will go out to lunch with my aunt and uncle, their two kids and families, my one cousins wife’s mom and brothers, and us! It’s going to be super fun.
Side note- is it weird to have a wedding the day after Mother’s Day?
theattack May 8, 2014, 7:02 pm
Only weird because it’s a Monday, I think. I’m going to a wedding the day before Mother’s Day. That’s cool that you accidentally hung out on Mother’s Day. Did neither of you realize what day it was when you planned it, or did it just happen to fall on that day?
katie May 8, 2014, 7:08 pm
Oh oops I meant the day before! Haha
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No, we didn’t notice that either year was Mother’s Day weekend until way after they were planned, plane tickets bought, ect. It’s just been a happy surprise! Lol
applescruffsuffs May 8, 2014, 7:03 pm
My dad mailed me a card with the instructions to “open sunday” which is very clearly going to be a mother’s day card from my dog. So there’s that. My dadparents are in Oregon this weekend to see Nephewscruffs. I think the idea is to babysit him while SIL goes to church Sunday and give them an additional night or two off, maybe do dinner Saturday with everyone. I hope my SIL doesn’t feel like she’s sharing too much of her first mother’s day. My stepmother can be a little overbearing. But, since Stepmom is in Oregon and Mom-mom is on a road trip, I think it will just be me and my dog this year!
honeybeenicki May 8, 2014, 9:00 pm
I’ll be spending the morning working and then the rest of the day hanging with my husband and my mom 🙂
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And just as a side note… next Sunday is Step-Mother’s Day. It’s always the Sunday after mother’s day.
BriarRose May 9, 2014, 8:08 am
This probably sounds really selfish, but my friend and her BF are coming to visit me this weekend, and I’m seriously bummed that instead of sleeping in on Sunday, I have to entertain visitors. My daughter is 9 and Mother’s Day is one of the few days she really and truly lets me sleep in, and I’m so sad to miss it this year. Plus my friend doesn’t seem to understand that I am not equipped for visitors in my tiny house (no guest bed/room), so the two visitors are sharing my daughter’s full-sized bed and daughter has to sleep on the floor of my room. Basically, not looking forward to Mother’s Day this years.
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Also, Sunday morning is the day my daughter does her once a week call with her Dad, so that means I have to deal with him in the morning too. Ugh.
Classic May 9, 2014, 9:27 am
My manfriend (haha my manfriend, everybody!) is here staying with me and he will still be here on Mother’s Day. We are going to have pie!
SGMcG May 9, 2014, 10:43 am
That is a really gorgeous picture of you and Jackson.
My husband and I don’t really know how to celebrate Mother’s Day. My Mom lives a 12-14 hour drive a way, so I call her/send a card. My husband’s Mom has been gone due to cancer for over 10 years, so visiting the stream where his Mom’s ashes were and lay flowers is our attempt at acknowledging her. This year, we didn’t really plan for anything, so husband is going to attempt to get extra hours at work to take care of pending delivery bills. I am 12 weeks along, and this is my first Mother’s Day as a Mom-to-Be.
RedroverRedrover May 9, 2014, 6:49 pm
This is my first Mother’s Day, and I’d love to spend it with just my husband and son. But no, I have to go to a restaurant my MIL chose and celebrate with the whole family. It’s a command performance too, we’ll never hear the end of it if we skip it. My husband said he’d take the heat and we can do whatever we want, but it’s just not worth it. She claims that she’s the “matriarch”, and she gets to pick what we do. Well, she’s not my damn matriarch. I have my own mom (who I obviously don’t get to see because we have to visit the MIL).
If she wasn’t so pushy (about this, and every other holiday/vacation/get-together), I totally wouldn’t mind sharing Mother’s Day. After all, my only child so far is a son, and some day I’ll be the MIL and I’ll want to see my son on Mother’s Day. It makes total sense that she’d want to see all her kids. It’s the way she goes about it that really rubs me the wrong way. 🙁