He was diagnosed with agoraphobia and severe anxiety a few years ago. Since meeting me, his agoraphobia is now non-existent and his anxiety has toned down soooooo much. He lived with his parents for 29 years because of these issues and is finally getting on with his life with me. Lately (within the last 2 to 3 weeks), he has been shutting me out, getting angry with me and acting so immature and childish. do NOT know what to do anymore. His mom said he has been like this all his life, but since I have known him he has not acted like that towards me until recently.
He is lazy, he doesn’t bathe, and he doesn’t even want to go on walks anymore or do ANYTHING with me. He sleeps 18 hours a day. He has angry outbursts and tells me to fuck off and leave, so of course, my reaction is to cry because my feelings are hurt. In return, he screams at me some more. He has no respect for me at all. He doesn’t do a damn thing during the day and when I want to take a day off from cooking or cleaning, I get told by him that I am lazy and a slob.
Because of his “mental illness” and anger issues, he hasn’t been able to keep a job. He is on beta blockers for his anxiety and refuses, I mean REFUSES, to go to the doctor to get on another medication or get re-diagnosed. He says he would rather be single than to have to take another pill. I have worked my ass off since I was of legal age to work, and I have made it clear to him that I will not support him and he needs to get a job when he comes to the US because I will ship him right back to his mommy if he thinks he can laze around.
I truly believe he will get a job and keep it because I have talked to him about these issues. However, just tonight I was telling him a funny story from when I was in college (I’m 27 by the way) and I said something like “this guy would come over a lot to the apartment to see my roommates,” and my husband interrupted me and said “he would CUM a lot, would he?” and he just laughed. I ignored him and continued on. Then he interrupted me again, pointed to a TV show where a dad was teaching his son how to shave, and said, “Ha, they are gay…he wants to get him into bed, doesn’t he?” WTF is wrong with my husband?!
His mom and dad have both told me he has a fucked-up personality, but this is just too much to deal with day after day. I try to ignore him, but it doesn’t work. I try to talk to him about it, but he doesn’t give a shit. I have told him nicely (and firmly too) that he is being rude, and he tells me to shut up and fuck off. He told me tonight that if I don’t like who he is, he will never change for me and to fuck off and go back home. He apologized after, but I am getting tired of it and, honestly, I have seriously considered, and am still considering, leaving him. Do you think I should? — Married to Psychopath
Yes.
***************
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Nadine February 13, 2013, 9:04 am
Oh my god yes.
You hate him!
(I hate him too)
Liz February 13, 2013, 5:34 pm
me too! how is this even a question??
Kay February 13, 2013, 9:04 am
So, let me get this right, LW. His own parents said he was messed up, and you STILL married him? Because he seemed “normal” when you two were dating?
Either he has a great career in acting ahead of him, or you have some major issues you need to resolve yourself. One is to get out of this marriage.
Wendy, your answer was just perfect.
Anna February 13, 2013, 10:30 am
Hey wait a minute! Just because one’s parents say they are messed up doesn’t mean they are. In this case, the dude’s parents are right. But I’m sure my parents would say I’m messed up because I’m an athiest who drinks, so clearly parents are not always right.
Kay February 13, 2013, 10:36 am
True, but in this case, it sounds like the parents know their son has some serious issues, not ones that go against their moral and religious beliefs.
If I was dating someone, and their parents warned me about something about them, I would take it under advisement, at least to see if it’s just the parents being rather controlling, or they just really want to keep me out of a bad situation.
anonymous February 13, 2013, 11:06 am
My parents warned my DH away from me. We’ve been happily married for 21 years, but that betrayal by them still stings periodically….
Neatist February 13, 2013, 9:06 am
Yes. Go.
Also get therapy – you don’t know how to make logical decisions.
Christy February 13, 2013, 9:10 am
“Annulment. Annulment. Annulment. Annulment. Annulment.”
This is literally what was going through my head as I read this.
katie February 13, 2013, 9:15 am
honestly, she probably has good grounds for an annulment! i wonder though if they were married in the US or in the UK… the UK probably has different laws. but she probably has good grounds for a US annulment!
Amanda February 13, 2013, 9:58 am
Yes annulment! But wait, he does sound like a real winner-agorophobic AND a douchebag? It’s every girls dream husband….
kerrycontrary February 13, 2013, 9:10 am
I actually may disagree with Wendy on this one. Or at least debate the response. When we marry people, we have NO idea what the future holds. Who knows if someone will suffer a late-in-life mental illness (like Kathryn Graham’s husband who had late onset bipolar disorder and dragged her entire life through the mud), or maybe they are bipolar and stop taking their meds and have a psychotic breakdown only a year after tying the knot. But when you get married you sign up for better or for worse. People get in accidents that can completely change their brain, their chemistry, and their personality. People become clinically depressed for months (even years) at a time. The LW was aware of these issues before they got married, she signed up for them and should’ve known they can reappear. And yes he is mentally ill, no quotations needed. Agoraphobia is a very real and debilitating disease. I have no advice for her other than to consult a psychologist on what she should do, but I’m not sure I would jump to divorce as the solution.
kerrycontrary February 13, 2013, 9:11 am
I agree with Christy that if you are going to leave, I would pursue an annulment rather than a divorce as he is not meeting the expectations you two set up for marriage (which is grounds for an annulment).
Nadine February 13, 2013, 9:14 am
Mental illness is one thing. Having a juvenile sense of humour is grounds for Getting Out Of The Marriage Any Way You Can.
Diablo February 13, 2013, 9:20 am
Au contraire: my juvenile sense of humour and hideous inappropriateness as been a constant source of fun and dynamism in my marriage. It may just not be your thing.
Nadine February 13, 2013, 9:25 am
Fair enough. But I would say anyone who would interrupt your story to laugh at the hilarity of the punniness of the word ‘come’ is not a source of fun and dynamism…….no?
Diablo February 13, 2013, 9:48 am
The difference is, when I do it, there’s some context to make the connection to the joke, and it’s funny. I’m therefore critiquing him on the basis of not being funny, rather than being infantile or inappropriate. You’ll notice that i was able to complete this remark without making a joke of this type. But honestly, I’d be happier if I had.
Nadine February 13, 2013, 10:00 am
Oh, I was most definitely critiquing his humour!
God yes, there has to be context. and a shared sense of humour. I can only make certain jokes around my boyfriend (puns, mostly) that would get me confused looks and polite ignoring in other company.
Know your audience, I say.
atlimbo February 13, 2013, 3:17 pm
The thing is: with all of his other disorders and his inability to cope with them – such a ‘sense of humor’ is probably another symptom. It’s easy to rag on and make fun of people who don’t understand that the word ‘come’ isn’t funny, but that doesn’t make it right.
katie February 13, 2013, 9:27 am
i am (almost) always on the side of you got married, you signed the papers/said the vows, make it work.
however, my caveats are: 1. you *both* must be actively working on the marriage. 2. one person cannot be completely miserable. 3. the relationship must have some sort of foundation.
so, in my opinion, this relationship is perfectly screwed and the LW would be committing no moral offenses to divorce.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:04 am
I don’t know if I agree 100% with your specific caveats, and I am usually in teh same camp of make it work, but yea, this would be a time I say annulment.
Oldie February 13, 2013, 11:58 am
Your view is more nuanced, but I think almost as wrong and outdated as that expressed by Kerrycontrary. No, you don’t have to stay in a bad marriage and make it work. Sometimes a person who seems fine while your dating turns out to be a bad person or at least a very wrong person for you. Best to bail before any children appear on the scene. Then you have real problems — a child and a failing marriage.
It sounds as though LW was wearing the rosy glasses, desperate for romance/marriage, ignored red flags, and rushed into marriage way too fast. She doesn’t say how she and her husband met or how long they were dating before they married. Considering that as married they have had to travel across the Atlantic to see each other, I’m going to guess that their relationship started on-line and they didn’t have a lot of in-person time together before they married. Still, she married the guy, despite the warning from his parents, which should have had her onguard for red flags of mental illness. Maybe she didn’t spend enough personal time with him to know that he was unemployed and unemployable. That’s on her. She went with her fantasy and ignored reality.
Doodles February 13, 2013, 1:11 pm
I agree with what you said. And this man is already becoming verbally and emotionally abusive and they are not even living together yet. I too believe that when most people make their bed, they should lie in it. But in this case, this situation is only going to get worse not better.
katie February 13, 2013, 1:42 pm
i never said to stay in a bad marriage. i absolutely believe that there are good, real, valid reasons to end things. i just take marriage very seriously, and so for people who just sort of flippantly divorce with no reasons other then “i dont want to be married anymore”, i dont see those reasons as very valid. i think this LW is absolutely within her rights to get a divorce (as everyone is, of course)
but, thats just me. if i do get married, and ever need to divorce, i would work on the marriage until one of those three things happens (he refuses to work on the marriage, he or i is so miserable that a divorce is the only real course of action)
calling this emotional abuse (which i dont disagree with) to me is a reason for divorce you dont even have to list. of course you divorce someone who is abusive. thats not even a question.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 1:46 pm
What would you call emotional abuse?
BreezyAM February 16, 2013, 2:14 pm
Wait do you SERIOUSLY think people divorce for no reason other than “I don’t want to be married anymore”? SERIOUSLY? Maybe they don’t sit down and explain to you (and unless you’re the one being divorced from there’s no reason they SHOULD) but no one goes off and divorces as if they were getting an abortion to fit into their prom dress or something. Come ON.
People are *constantly* told “don’t trash your ex that is trashy” so they keep their reasons quiet and then get gossiped about “well she divorced him because she just didn’t want to be married anymore HMPH”.
When I divorced my ex my dad was constantly up my ass “he’s SuchANiceGuy” etc etc. “I don’t understand if y’all get on so well why the hell you need to divorce” and one day I just exploded “dad he sucks in bed, if you wanna marry him so bad you are free to do so here in Canada, and we’re divorcing so we can continue to get along and stop fighting, can you effing drop it now?!”
Divorce is never, ever easy. Even for Britney. For realz.
summerkitten26 February 13, 2013, 9:55 am
I agree generally for better or worse when you get married, but all signs point to this just being an abusive relationship if he doesn’t get help, which he has quite emphatically stated he won’t. and yes, emotional abuse is abuse, and I’m sure she didn’t sign up for that. and if his own parents say this is consistent behavior, then she should absolutely get out right now and not look back ever
Oldie February 13, 2013, 11:51 am
Sorry, no. This is simply perverse. Mistakenly marrying someone is not a reason to destroy the rest of your life by feeling you are committed to an abusive, mentally ill spouse. I really don’t know where this sort of thinking comes from. Twisted religion? Masochism? It is one thing to do everything that you can to help a long-term spouse, who wants to be helped. It is quite another to destroy your live for a guy you’ve been married to for six bad months. A guy who has told you that he refuses further medical assistance, refuses to change, and demands that you accept his rotten abusive self exactly the way he is. LW needs to see a lawyer, start a divorce, and return to America. Just as fast as she can. Yes agoraphobia is a real disease. This guy clearly has worse than agoraphobia. A lot worse.
Doodles February 13, 2013, 1:24 pm
Yes, this! I believe you said it perfectly. I had to look up agrophobia, and even if he has it, it does not excuse the way he is behaving and being abusive. He will blame all his problems and behaviors on his diagnosis. I am hypomanic, a less extreme form of bipolar, but if I act horribly, i do not excuse my behavior and chalk it but to my disorder, i take responsiblity for my actions.
atlimbo February 13, 2013, 3:14 pm
Thank you for pointing out that mental illness is real and does need quotations. As a Bipolar 28 year old, it’s a real struggle in relationships and I have the urge to not take my pills every single day. Reading this letter terrifies me because it’s the reality I hide from – what happens when Piece (my SO) gets sick of the insanity? Gets tired of reminding me to take my pills and helping get me to the therapist? What if I totally break down, is he going to leave me? It’s… a lot to worry about, even without a disorder you have no power over.
I wonder what LW would have done if 6 months after they had gotten married he was diagnosed with cancer or had been in a physical-life altering accident?
Milla February 13, 2013, 5:18 pm
I agree with you— but after a certain point, I believe that people have to be accountable for their own health, regardless of whether it’s a mental illness or a physical one. I know that I’m a difficult person to be around in the throes of a panic attack or a major depressive episode. But if I flatly refused to do anything about it— not just being reminded to take my pills, but refused to go see a doctor again, was abusive and unhappy day after day— then what would my SO do? It might be a fine line, but there’s a line between ‘helping someone who’s sick and doesn’t see that they need it’ and ‘being dragged through hell because someone is refusing help.’
I feel this way about cancer, too, fwiw. When my mom had cancer, we did everything to make her more comfortable during treatment, but ultimately up to her to decide to work with us (to be positive, to try and eat during chemo, to deal with the prednisone-fueled mania) rather than against us.
JMac February 13, 2013, 8:06 pm
atlimbo, your comment made me stop lurking and reply. My long term girl friend (16 years and counting) is bipolar. Currently her condition is well controlled by medication. However, twice in the time we have been together she has had major breakdowns requiring a couple of weeks in the hospital each time.
The first time this happened was about two years into our relationship. I did not know about her being bipolar when this happened (she had spoken vaguely about having issues with “stress”). When it started she called me and asked me to help her get to the hospital. I did not know what was going on but I could see she was agitated and disoriented. I spent a very long, very bad day dealing with the insurance/hospital bureauracry before I got her to a place that would take care of her.
The worst part in this whole horror show was when she would look at me and say “You are going to leave me now, aren’t you?” I kept telling her “No! I love you and I am here for you.” I kept saying this and wondering if she understood me.
The second episode of this sort was several years later and, while it was certainly no picnic, I at least had a general idea of what was going on.
Now, the point of this reply is to address your fear that if you have a breakdown your guy will leave you. If he is a good guy, no he won’t, he will be there for you cause that is what good guys do.
On a secondary point, if you have not already done so, please work out a plan with your guy for how to deal with a major breakdown. Have written down where to find insurance documents, what hospital to call, what family members to notify and so on. Having a plan and the information to execute it properly takes the stress level down a major notch.
Good luck!
GatorGirl February 13, 2013, 9:10 am
Wait…why did you marry him? How in the world can you dislike your husband this much in just 6 months? None of this should be a surprise to you…put on your big girl pants and deal with it.
Why do people get married when they have doubts? I’ve never understood that.
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 9:21 am
Getting married (or having a baby) fixes relationship problems, duh! 😉
katie February 13, 2013, 9:23 am
and life problems.
everyone knows that, amiright?
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:07 am
Just like money does!
Kay February 13, 2013, 9:33 am
I think there’s several shades of doubts. One is the, “my life is going to change completely am I ready for this?” which is more like just nerves, as with anything major. The other is something that gnaws at your stomach until you realize that you either need to get out, or you’re going to regret it. Something like that. (I think this may make more sense in my head).
It sounded like she didn’t have any doubts when she got in. I mean, there were red flags with flashing neon lights down this road, and she said, “No way, I know more than his parents!” and went through with it. She needs an annulment, and some therapy.
GatorGirl February 13, 2013, 9:58 am
“Pre-wedding jitters” are one thing. I have them! But doubts? Real, true, honest doubts about the quality of the relationship or the person you’re marrying? Why they hell would you do it? I have close friends who have admitted they had doubts going into their marriage. Studies show something like 30% of women (and more men) have doubts going into a marriage. It makes no sense!
Kay February 13, 2013, 10:03 am
I think it’s driven a lot by fear – fear that you made a mistake (cause no one likes to be wrong), fear of being alone, etc. If we all put on our big-girl/boy pants and admitted it wasn’t right before digging ourselves in way too deep, then we’d be a lot happier.
I agree with you completely – if you have doubts about something that you know isn’t caused by just being a bit nervous, why do it?
Doodles February 13, 2013, 1:43 pm
I read an article quite a few yrs ago that interviewed numerous women who went through divorces, and aaked them why they went through with it in the first place. Alot of the women answered that once they saw the ring, they said yes because they loved the thought of wearing thiw beautiful sparkly ring and ahowing it off to everyone, even though they knew the guy and/or relationship was not really marriage material. Messed up huh? There are alot of women out there who are more about the engagement ring, fancy pretty dresa and the big party then there are about what the vows and marriage mean. I am a woman, i am not bashing us at all, i iust thought the article waw interesting, i wish i had a link to it. And I know people who really are this way. Hell, watch bridzillas. I think most of those woman are just in it for the idea of throwing the wedding and being the center of attention rather than the marriage and commitment.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 1:52 pm
I bet those women are the same ones who don’t mind divorces too much since they come with drama and attention.
GatorGirl February 13, 2013, 1:57 pm
I have no sympathy for people who think the event of a wedding is more important than the marriage.
MJ February 13, 2013, 10:07 am
As someone who deals with anxiety, if I listened to “my gut” every time I had doubts, I’d never do ANYTHING.
With this culture’s emphasis on making your partner the center of your entire life and romance held up as the be-all, end-all, it makes sense to me to have doubts in the sense that “OMG I don’t know what’s going to happen to us!” “OMG How is my life going to change and can I handle it!” “OMG what if we suddenly FALL OUT OF LOVE!” These fears may not be rational, but they exist in my head. I have a wonderful boyfriend, and we are compatible in a ton of ways, but I still think about these things.
I worry more about the people with red-flag issues who DON’T have doubts.
GatorGirl February 13, 2013, 10:15 am
I have anxiety and panic attacks, so I get where you’re coming from. All the things you worry about, I worry about too. But I don’t think those are “doubts”. I mean, worrying you’ll fall out of love means you’re probably already being proactive and working on staying in love. Worrying about what might happen in the future and how you’re going to handle it- that sounds totally rational. I have those same worries. But like getting married to someone who you’re not sure about their religious beleifs or how they manage money or, heck, even if you like them….why do it? I’ve heard people say- “well my kids needed a father figure” or “we’d been together forever so, why not?”
Kay February 13, 2013, 10:20 am
I think there’s still a difference, though. There’s the gut feeling that’s just nerves, and then there’s the red flag gut punches.
It’s like this episode of Frasier where his cousin is getting married, and the cousin says: “I mean, since then it’s been all the usual pre-wedding stuff. You know, the jitters, night-sweats, vomiting…”
That is definitely one of those gut punch doubts.
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 10:12 am
Yeah I think we’ve talked about this before on DW – some people doubt decisions more than others. I doubt what I had for lunch yesterday. Was it a good decision? Did I get the most flavor for the calorie content? Should I have had something more satisfying?
MissSally February 14, 2013, 11:53 am
Hah!
Taylor February 13, 2013, 1:11 pm
Is there a correlation between having serious doubts about going into a marriage and it not working out? I realize that seems like a stupid question, but it seems like the “serious doubt” is a different indicator for people who aren’t anxiety prone and people who are anxiety prone (and have serious doubts about everything).
Elanie May February 13, 2013, 1:31 pm
There was a study somewhere about how doubts on your wedding day are a predictor of failure…but of course, that could also be because people who get divorced remember their doubts and point to them, where people who are happily married don’t really remember they ever had doubts to begin with.
And I agree that there’s a difference between anxiety-prone (worry about everything) and non-anxiety-prone.
Marcie February 13, 2013, 10:26 am
Yes Yes yes! Never get married when you have doubts, or things are going badly.
bagge72 February 13, 2013, 9:13 am
Hahaha….crap that sucks, just leave him before he gets to the US, and you can’t get rid of him. I’m guessing that you didn’t spend a whole lot of time with him before you got married either.
katie February 13, 2013, 9:14 am
so, two questions:
1. in what universe is “a little over a month” + “3 months” = plenty of time spent together? and in what universe is that enough to marry someone? yikes.
2. how are you having all these interactions? over the phone? skype? are these past interactions from when you were in the UK for a little over a month? im just confused.
anyway, those dont even matter. yes, leave him. why would you stay? what does he have to offer you besides a signature on a wedding license?
bethany February 13, 2013, 9:21 am
ITA on both points. 4 months does not plenty of time make. And I was really confused about #2 also. How would he know if she hadn’t cleaned one day of he lives overseas? And why would she even tell him this?!
katie February 13, 2013, 9:22 am
also, i really, really, *really* hope that this isnt my little sisters best friend. she recently (quickly) married a guy from overseas, after spending some time there, and them him coming here… although i think he is from scotland. im hoping he is from scotland.
MissDre February 13, 2013, 9:26 am
Isn’t Scotland still the UK?
Nadine February 13, 2013, 9:29 am
Yes.
katie February 13, 2013, 9:29 am
yea, thats totally right. god damn it! shanyn, if this is you- email me!!
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:11 am
This made me laugh a little, although I hope its not Shanyn. But, bethany? wrote on here a week or so ago about telling her husband not to check out DW too much or something and then wrote IF YOU’RE READING THIS TOM, YOU SHOULD BE RESPECTING MY WISHES. I almost died laughing.
katie February 13, 2013, 11:17 am
ha i did too! that was so funny.
i really hope its not her either though, because they rushed getting married so they could get the visa thing started, and they got married in scotland (i think) about 6 months ago, without any of her family there and with very little notice to her family, and so they were/are kind of on edge about the whole situation… or, thats what it seemed from facebook posts. so, going off of that info, if this situation was to happen to her, maybe she wouldnt be able to ask her family for help/advice about it…?
also, its weird that my LITTLE sister’s good friend just got married. its weird. im old and an adult for real for real now.
OMG ITS NOT HER BECAUSE THIS LW IS 27!!!. ok, wow i feel better now.
bethany February 13, 2013, 11:33 am
Sometimes they need a reminder, ya know?
🙂
EricaSwagger February 13, 2013, 9:33 am
I thought the same thing about her comment “…so we have spent plenty of time together.”
WHAT?!
Wouldn’t you want to spend more than a measly 1/2 of your married life actually… WITH your husband?
The fact that she thinks only seeing him a little more than half the time is “plenty” is the biggest red flag to me. If you don’t even like your husband enough to miss him when he’s away, you probably shouldn’t be married.
Sophronisba February 13, 2013, 9:16 am
Get an annulment for fraud/false representation. Also don’t sponsor him into the US, that makes you responsible for him and that would be an abysmal burden.
Skyblossom February 13, 2013, 2:07 pm
I was thinking the same thing about the visa.
The only way he can get a green card is if she sponsors him and to sponsor him she has to promise to support him if he needs it. So, it would be a huge mistake to bring him over and help him get a green card if you don’t want to be responsible for him.
A divorce could be complicated. You will need to talk to a lawyer. I think you have to be separated for a period of time in the UK, something like two years, to get a divorce. I’m not sure how it would work if you file here.
lindsaybob February 14, 2013, 5:54 am
The law is different in England & Wales than it is in Scotland, and I don’t know about the law in Scotland because I practice in England, but if they are in England or Wales they cannot get divorced within the first year of getting married.
After the first year, they can petition for divorce on the grounds of A: adultery, B: unreasonable behaviour (which is subjective, so can pretty much be anything that the petitioner finds intolerable to live with – this would be the easiest/possibly the only one the LW could use if she is divorcing in the UK), C: separation for two years with both parties consent, D: desertion (which is almost impossible to prove and virtually never used) or E: separation for five years.
atlimbo February 13, 2013, 3:22 pm
It wasn’t fraud/false representation if she knew of his mental illness, but there are other circumstances that can grant annulment, right? (I’m not versed on it).
EricaSwagger February 13, 2013, 9:16 am
OMFG
Diablo February 13, 2013, 9:17 am
I’m a big proponent of real marriage entered into with open eyes. We all bring some challenges for our partners, and not every problem is a dealbreaker. In this case, though, I can’t see any upside, and you don’t say anything nice about your husband to counter all the nasty. Clearly, he is ill, and it’s OK to feel sorry for him. But why oh why did you marry him?
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 9:18 am
Yikes! WWS. <—- I'm not allowed to give advice right now, not until I get my own shit together, so "WWS" is the best I can offer.
cdobbs February 13, 2013, 9:22 am
LW leave this man and do not feel bad about it…he has made it painfully clear that he will not lift a finger to get help for his mental illness….you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves…and you do not need to be treated like crap…you deserve to be happy so divorce this man with a clear conciounse (can’t spell today sorry)
cdobbs February 13, 2013, 1:19 pm
conscience (had to google the spelling…doh!)
Fabelle February 13, 2013, 9:27 am
I don’t understand why you married this man. How long were you dating before jumping into marriage? Maybe he seemed fine throughout the relationship, but you still ~knew~ he had issues, right?
I’m not saying that people with mental health issues aren’t dateable—it’s that this guy CLEARLY hasn’t worked through his, & has no desire to do so. That’s what makes him undateable. Unfortunately, you went the extra step & married him (which I’m sure is why you haven’t already left?)
But still, you need to leave him now. Seriously. LEAVE HIM NOW. “He doesn’t bathe”, “he has no respect for me at all” , “he has angry outbursts” , “he tells me to fuck off/shut up” , “I get told by him that I am lazy and a slob.”
He also screams at you when you cry, refuses to go to the doctor, hasn’t been able to hold down a job, & can’t hold a conversation without interrupting with something inane. These are all things you wrote about him—why are you still only “considering” leaving? Because this only started “recently”? Because sometimes he apologizes?
Sorry, it’s time to admit this marriage was a mistake & get out.
Taylor February 13, 2013, 9:33 am
WWS. GTFO.
FireStar February 13, 2013, 9:34 am
I call fake. Currently she is in the US and he is in the UK but he swears at her and is lazing around the house pointing at the TV? Where? In the UK?
the_optimist February 13, 2013, 11:45 am
YES! Thank you. I was trying to figure out how this was even possible. Do they Skype whole days away or something?
Amber February 13, 2013, 11:48 am
Exactly, and this too: “and he doesn’t even want to go on walks anymore or do ANYTHING with me”
how is he supposed to do stuff wither her?
Taylor February 13, 2013, 1:17 pm
But wouldn’t a “fake” be better with details? When it’s all over the place I’m more likely to think it’s real, but that writing under emotional duress leads to non-linear whargarbling. Whargarble!
Fabelle February 13, 2013, 3:14 pm
Yeah, I’m with you. A fake would be crafted perfectly. And this is…well, like you said.
Lindsay February 13, 2013, 3:24 pm
I’d agree in most cases, but maybe some fake letter writers are just crappier at it. I just don’t think a real person would confuse something that happened “tonight” with some other time that they were in the same country.
SuzyQ February 13, 2013, 9:36 am
Please ladies, can we all agree to stop settling for so little?
Suzy February 13, 2013, 2:51 pm
PS – I’m Suzy in the forum, so I think I’ll change to Suzy here…
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 9:38 am
I don’t know why but it’s irritating me this morning that people are suggesting an annulment. Annulment’s are for extreme cases. This LW knew he had mental and anxiety issues – she just chose to believe that he had been “cured” since he had not previously displayed symptoms. This is not the stuff an annulment makes. Get divorced. It’s fine. What is the purpose of pursuing an annulment? The only benefit is that then you wouldn’t have to admit that you were ever married. But you got married. You made a grave error in judgment. You don’t just get to wipe that slate clean. Sure you should DEFINITELY get divorced – but you can’t just act like all this never happened.
katie February 13, 2013, 9:43 am
i dont see the difference either. whats wrong with having to check the “seperated” or “divorced” box instead of the “single” box on gov’t forms? i wouldnt care. but i guess maybe its shameful to other people.
if they got married in the us though, i do think she could get the marriage annulled, especially if she gets a good lawyer. one of the grounds is deception, and she could argue that he deceived her to think that he would have a handle on his mental issues, and he is now refusing care. i could see it happening.
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 9:50 am
I call no way. There is no way she is getting an annulment. Does anyone ever have a complete handle on mental issues? They’re fluid. And they’re forever. (Normally – not all mental illnesses but most). And until he breaks the law or is under state ordered mental care she can’t force him to take his meds. The courts could eventually – but she can’t. Maybe this is just a tough lesson for her to learn. I don’t know why it bugs me but it makes me feel like the people that are suggesting that are thinking “OMG you’re not as bad as those other scoundrels that got divorced – you poor thing this is all happening TO you”. No no no. She was an active participant in this future. And it’s okay – she made a mistake – divorce isn’t a huge deal and she should just get one and move on.
summerkitten26 February 13, 2013, 10:27 am
I think (and obviously, I could be wrong) that the difference between an annulment and a divorce is time and fallout. if, after a short period of time post-marriage, you realize that your spouse has completely hidden who they truly are, you can legally separate without the asset-splitting that accompanies divorce. like if your spouse turns out to be abusive and you honestly didn’t know beforehand, you can leave without having to give the person alimony. but if you got divorced, that would come with the requisite legal issues of diving assets between the spouses. anyone feel free to correct me if I’m waaaay off base
lemongrass February 13, 2013, 10:20 am
If I married this guy I wouldn’t want to admit it!
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 9:54 am
I think she should talk to an attorney to find out the benefits of getting an annulment v. a divorce, if she would qualify, and then she should go for whatever is most beneficial to her. I don’t think there’s a moral decision to make here, like a high road or a low road in re annulment or divorce, or like the annulment is a cop out and a way to not admit she got married. I think she should just do whatever is most advantageous, to the extent there is a cost/benefit distinction. Oh, I guess there could be a moral issue – like if her church will not accept a divorce. … Do churches still do that? That seems so…. archaic.
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 10:01 am
Well with an annulment it is treated as if you were never married so neither spouse could apply for spousal support. But they’ve been married 6 months and not living together so neither of them will get spousal support anyway.
And her situation is very similar to one of the famous annulment cases and it said specifically that she wouldn’t qualify. So you’re right maybe there’s some crazy law I don’t know about – but you can’t get an annulment if someone refuses to bathe, refuses to get a job, or refuses to be nice to her because those are seen as things you should have known before and don’t go to the “core of the marriage”.
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 10:02 am
But you’re right – LW I am not giving you legal advice. Certainly consult an attorney. You have nothing to lose by learning your options.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:17 am
That is why my mom got an annulment. It is archaic and one of the things I don’t like about the church. My parents had several children together and were married for almost 2 decades. You can’t erase that or say it doesn’t count. Its bizarre. She got it annulled through the church when she wanted to marry my now stepfather because if she hadn’t, they would not be able to marry in the church which was very important to her. The cost for this is exorbitant, which makes it even grosser to me.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:17 am
p.s. the grounds were that he cheated.
Firestar February 13, 2013, 11:29 am
There are religious annulments and legal ones. Did your mom get a legal one too? I know adultery is grounds for religious annulment but was it for a legal one too?
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:31 am
You know, I am not sure. I would guess just religious.
Firestar February 13, 2013, 11:58 am
So see! You exist! Erm…legally anyway…
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 12:01 pm
Haha, how do you like that church? I’m still here! Na na na na na na!
BriarRose February 13, 2013, 11:26 am
I hate the annulment aspect of the Catholic church. My mother is not happy with me for not getting one, but I have no desire to pretend that a 7 year marriage didn’t happen. I heard that it’s really long, in-depth process too. Yuck. But her reasoning is the same as your mom’s, that I can’t get remarried in the church and I’ll be living in sin if I do get remarried. Oh well! Sorry, tangent, just interesting to see someone who has experience in that area.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:33 am
I don’t know how long or in depth it is, but if you want to remarry in the church (presuming you did the first time), its required. And its a FORTUNE. Glad to hear you don’t like the idea of it either. As a “product of the marriage,” I don’t like it one bit. If marrying in a church doesn’t matter to you, then there’s no reason to do it.
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 11:44 am
Really you have to pay for it? That probably shouldn’t surprise me, but it does!
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 11:35 am
See, now, I could not care less about the church’s characterization of my (hypothetical) divorce. Like, really, I would not care at all. So, if my mom cared, and if she asked if I would seek an “annulment” from the church, sure I would, for her. Because it would make no difference to me. Unless it would… make a difference. Like, if the process were really long like you say, ok, maybe I wouldn’t have time.
BriarRose February 13, 2013, 11:45 am
I’m not doing it, because I feel that I would have to lie to obtain it. The only grounds that would apply to me (in the Catholic church) are “gross immaturity” which means I was too young/immature to know what I was getting into. Sure I was only 23, but I knew what was involved, and I meant “til death do us part”, like our vows said. He didn’t, unfortunately. Anyway, I know it’s important to my mom, but it’s not happening. Yes, I’d like to get married in the church the next time, but I’m not going to lie to make that happen. I feel like the church should value that. As I told my mom, I’ve made my peace with God about it, and I’ll find out someday if I was right. PS. I think my Aunt’s took 2 years to complete. She was married about 20 years and had 2 kids.
SpaceySteph February 13, 2013, 2:30 pm
Gross immaturity on his part then?
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 11:31 am
See, that I get. I mean, backing up, I am not religious so obviously I don’t “get” why anyone would do anything for a church. But, given people like their churches, and given churches have rules, I absolutely get why it was important for her to get an “annulment” v. a “divorce,” and even though she was married for ages and even if she didn’t have any church-worthy reasons for getting an annulmen, who cares, make one up, whatever you want to get the “annulment” – because who cares,she’s not hurting anyone. And now she got to get married in her church. Win win.
I dunno, maybe I should care more about somethings, like etiquette or church rules.
katie February 13, 2013, 11:34 am
i see both sides. i mean to me, whatever, if you want to go through the process to get a religious annulment so you can get married in the church again thats fine. i dont care. but its very, very hard to not see the absolutely hypocrisy of it all. make up a reason for an annulment, and all is right in the eyes of the church. but do the exact same thing and call it a divorce, and all of a sudden you are a sinning whore if you marry again.
it makes no sense. its just phrasing to make people feel better about their choices.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:43 am
I agree with this. It sucks, is lame and sad. But at the end of the day, I’m happy my mom got what she wanted.
Caris February 13, 2013, 9:49 pm
The absolutely hypocrisy of it all. Yep. Pretty sure all churches have this.
SpaceySteph February 13, 2013, 2:35 pm
Everything about the Catholic church takes forever and is expensive. My husband and I were waiting until a couple weeks before our wedding to hear about our dispensations (one to be allowed to marry me because I’m not Catholic, one from canonical form so we could get married our way and have it still “count,” and our request that the Deacon be allowed to officiate) and it was so stressful.
We had already jumped through all the hoops and were just waiting for the bishop to approve our form and it took FOR.EVER.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 2:45 pm
Apparently the cost for an annulment is for “services performed” which makes no sense to me. I’m Catholic, but there are plenty of things I disagree with so much that the church does. I am able to separate the church’s acts from my actual religion, so it works for me, but some things are just ridiculous. The way I was treated when I had my daughter baptised was disgraceful. Its a shame and I wish things would change. Did you have to pay a lot just to get married in a chruch?
SpaceySteph February 13, 2013, 3:04 pm
We would have had to pay a lot had we gotten married in the church. Since we didn’t use the facility, we just had to pay for the Deacon’s services (a “donation,” with a “suggested” amount). But we also had to pay for the pre-marital counseling course which is required in order to get the church to accept your marriage regardless.
The course was a 2 day retreat type thing, which I have many gripes about, too numerous to go into here.
kerrycontrary February 13, 2013, 10:01 am
I more suggested annullment because of the possible financial repercusions of a divorce. He doesn’t work. Does she have to pay spousal support? Attorney fees, etc…And there are religious reasons. People in catholic churches still practice annulment sometimes. My BF’s grandfather got an annulment for his second marriage (after his first wife died) because the woman never moved into his house after the marriage! She refused to actually behave like a married couple with him. This also applies if someone refuses to have sex, someone suddenly doesn’t want children when they agreed to children before marriage. etc….
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 10:03 am
Right all those issues you listed are valid reasons for a divorce. Someone not showering and being a jerk is not (in my opinion – but go see an attorney).
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 10:16 am
Valid reasons for an annulment** So there are 5 solid reasons for an annulment: Vanereal diseases, Pregnancy by 3rd party, Flipping the switch on wanting to have kids or not, not willing or unable to have sexual relations, and sometimes religion.
I don’t see where the LW’s situation fits into that.
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 10:21 am
Sexual relations! Doesn’t she say they don’t do it?
GatorGirl February 13, 2013, 10:27 am
Hygene isn’t grounds for an annulment? It should be 🙂
katie February 13, 2013, 11:04 am
fraud is a reason, says wiki. thats why i think a good lawyer could get an annulment. i dont care either way, i dont see them as any different or better then one another. i just think she could get one if she wanted too.
beelzebarb February 13, 2013, 12:21 pm
I’m wondering if he might have married her to get a green card for some reason. That would be fraud if she wasn’t in on that plan in the first place. I dunno, just a thought I had when I read this.
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 4:44 pm
Yeah I get that but fraud has to go to the “essence of the marriage” and I’m just not sure why everyone thinks he did anything fraudulent. It sounds like she just married him without knowing him very well – not that he was actively trying to lie to her. And that’s on her. This is why you don’t get married without knowing someone.
beelzebarb February 13, 2013, 6:35 pm
Yeah, it was just a thought I had. I agree that she should just divorce him now before spousal support becomes an issue. This guy seems utterly lacking in the redeemable quality department and she just needs to gtfo while he’s still overseas. If he moves here and then she tries to end things, well, he sounds like he could be a very dangerous person.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:13 am
Good point. I agree.
Sidenote: I hate that my parents marriage was annulled. Like, do I exist right now?
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 11:37 am
Ha, well, does your daughter exist? Because you were never married either.
Yes and yes!
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:47 am
Oh snap!
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:49 am
ps, can I brag a moment? My daughter’s favorite show is cake boss and I just signed her up for cupcake decorating lessons at that bakery! What what, best mom evaa. Can’t wait to tell her.
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 11:51 am
she is going to LOVE IT (AND YOU!)
summerkitten26 February 13, 2013, 9:49 am
LW, please get this marriage annulled. You’re not even living in the same country, he’s abusive and non-apologetic, his PARENTS have vouched for his shitty behavior. why would you want to bring such a leech into your life? you don’t list a single decent thing about him (not even nice, decent). you sound miserable, but you don’t have to be. cut him loose immediately. how did you even get engaged? I don’t mean that in a mean way, but I’m confused as to how, if this treatment is characteristic of his behavior, how did you, a nice hardworking person, get caught up with this abusive, self absorbed loser? trust me, you can do much better in your own country. I wish you the best of luck!
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 9:52 am
I think you meant get divorced. LW – get divorced.
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 9:59 am
Ok hold on – why this “no, get divorced, not annulled” thing? Are you so sure she wouldn’t qualify for an annulment or do you think it’s some sort of “cop out”?
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 10:04 am
I think she wouldn’t qualify and I think it’s a cop out.
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 10:14 am
Ah. See I think she could qualify, and I see it as a pure procedural thing – so no “do the right thing, get divorced not annulled” issue at play here for me. She had a failed marriage, and will have to figure out why and how she can learn from that, whether her lawyer files a piece of paper called a “petition for divorce” or “petition for annulment.” I don’t think she leaves an annulment thinking “phew glad I never got married to that crazy!” Now, if they had been married a long time and she was trying to cheat the system to get out of paying support? Shady.
Firestar February 13, 2013, 10:16 am
I agree with you. Grounds for legal annulment are usually very specific – where I live a defect in the marriage ceremony or capacity issues (underage/duress/fraud/intoxication/insufficient capacity). Assuming I believe any of this, she went in willingly. Upset your spouse lied – about holding a job or taking the meds you want him to take wouldn’t cut it. Otherwise every woman whose husband lied about “and being faithful only to you” would have grounds for annulment. And they don’t. Maybe there are some other grounds where she lives…but doubtful.
Addie Pray February 13, 2013, 10:27 am
But divorce/annulment laws are state-specific so we can’t be so sure at all. She could live in a weird state with a weird law on the books that say she qualifies for an annulment if her husband still lives with his parents and makes amateur sex jokes. You never know!
Firestar February 13, 2013, 10:38 am
I believe anything is possible in the American legal system…but hope alone makes me still say “doubtful”.
Northern Mermaid February 13, 2013, 1:59 pm
Annulments are highly variable by state. I was married (for seven weeks…erp) and sought an annulment and it was denied. The judge explained that an annulment (in AK anyway) can only be granted if there’s something that invalidates the legal contract you made while you got married. So, if there was something that made the contract at the time of the marriage void, then yeah she’d be granted an annulment; where a divorce basically makes a new contract to destroy the previous contract. Either way—a process that could have taken 3 weeks ended up taking a year….for a 7 week marriage. Yaaaaaaaayyyyy.
lindsaybob February 14, 2013, 6:07 am
I am not familiar with the grounds for annulment in the US, but she may qualify in the UK. I don’t know where she got married and whether she would be able to petition for divorce/annulment under the law of England & Wales (which is the only part of the UK I practice in) but it’s something to think about.
I think the only ground she could qualify for annulment over here would be if they have not had sex since the wedding. It sounds like they’ve only spent a month together since the wedding and given the number of issues he/they have it’s not out of the question that they’ve not been having sex… I don’t believe there has to be any reason that they CAN’T have sex, just that they haven’t actually done it.
I say this with the caveat that this is NOT legal advice and if the LW (or anybody else) is considering an annulment in England and Wales you should see a family solicitor who can advise you properly, because my specialty is child protection/care cases and I’ve done, I think, two divorces ever so I’m not the most qualified for this!
thewriteway February 13, 2013, 10:06 am
I swear, if not for the LW mentioning her age, I thought this was my older sister for a second. She married a guy from the UK some years back who ended up having a whole host of issues as the marriage went on. But unlike the LW, my sister was smart enough to get a divorce, and did a few months ago.
Why do women marry these men? Seriously. Letters like this remind me that even though I want a relationship/marriage, to not just settle for the first guy off the street. Really.
Iwannatalktosampson February 13, 2013, 10:07 am
It’s probably their accents. Hubba hubba.
SweetPeaG February 13, 2013, 12:08 pm
Oh, so true! When I did online dating, I talked to this one guy originally from the UK. There were so many (personal) red flags. He said he didn’t like to leave the house unless it was to go to the gym. He didn’t understand women that needed to get out and do things (almost a direct quote). He was on a strict MMA diet (okay, I guess that is some people’s thing… not mine) and would never go out to eat. I am sure he was some lady’s dream boat… but so not for me. But, I had trouble talking myself down from him because of the sexy accent (and okay, the killer body).
MJ February 13, 2013, 10:10 am
Never underestimate the power of an exotic British accent!
(At first. Until he’s not bathing and screaming at you. Then it’s not nearly so charming.)
AllegroFox February 13, 2013, 10:56 am
I now feel the need to go tell my own independent, fully bathed, non-screaming British man how much I appreciate him. And his accent. And the smell of his aftershave.
Mmmmmhmmmm.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:23 am
Do you think if I make my bf watch Downton Abbey, the accent will wear off on him? That would seriously further my goal of perfecting him.
Trixy Minx February 14, 2013, 12:34 am
One time I watched so much of the TV show the closer that I had a really shitty southern accent for awhile. Lol
Skyblossom February 13, 2013, 2:21 pm
Me too! I have to say that by a month after meeting him I wasn’t noticing the accent.
Tanya February 13, 2013, 10:08 am
I actually have some compassion for the LW’s husband – he does have a mental illness and seems incapable to deal with it. His parents must have also given up on him.
I don’t think in this case we should be blaming this poor guy on what is a valid medical condition. Apparently, he has always been like this – even his family says so. The issue here is the LW’s poor judgment when it comes to finding a partner. She obviously jumped to marriage too quickly and didn’t have a clue what her husband was really like before marrying him.
So here is my perspective on whether she should leave:
1. No, if she is prepared to work for her marriage, help him get medical help and invest her time in getting to know the real person she married.
2. Yes, if she recognizes that she doesn’t want to/can’t deal with any of the above.
What bugs me is that in this situation she (and some commenters) are blaming her husband when it is clearly her own fault that she didn’t take enough time to find out what she was really getting into before marrying him.
Fabelle February 13, 2013, 10:29 am
But they’ve only been married for 6 months! I could see working on it if they were together longer, but this is a clear case of MISTAKE. She should just back out & never look back.
Tanya February 13, 2013, 10:35 am
This might be true (I personally agree with you), but this is a decision that she has to make on her own, nobody else can make it for her. I’m just presenting the 2 options to her. If she does decide to leave, she should own up to the mistake she made and get a divorce, not an annulment (again, personal opinion). And she should think really hard about whether she is ready for marriage at all before she does it a second time.
katie February 13, 2013, 11:09 am
what does it matter for annulment vs divorce? you want her to feel the shame of the mistake (“own up to it”?), so divorce is the more morally right option? i dont get that…
annulment vs. divorce is a formality. both dissolve the marriage. both dissolve any legal ties, ect, ect. one is just different from the other, but the end game is the same. what does it matter?
Tanya February 13, 2013, 12:05 pm
I never said I wanted her to feel shame. I just fail to see how this particular mistake qualifies for an annulment. Mistakes do happen and people separate and divorce, it’s how you deal with these mistakes that is important. That’s just my personal view.
katie February 13, 2013, 12:40 pm
i guess i just dont see how getting this marriage annulled (which i still think she could do provided she got a good enough lawyer) means that she didnt “deal with her mistake”. if we want to get all judge-y about divorces and annulments, wouldnt an annulment technically be worse? an annulment says that you rushed into a major decision and (most likely) didnt put enough thought into it and got burned. it means you blindly walked into something so stupidly that they had to make a special kind of dissolution for it.
i would much, much rather just say that i got divorced, honestly. at least that means i knew what i was getting into, i did it, and it didnt work out.
it just comes down to legalities. if its better for her to get an annulment, do it. if its better to get a divorce, do it. but either way she is most definitely “dealing” with it.
ebstarr February 13, 2013, 12:00 pm
Meh, but he is also a homophobe and someone who calls his wife “lazy and a slob,” which suggests he’s a horrible person over and above whatever problems he has. What mental ilness is really an excuse for being an abusive, homophobic person?
Desiree February 13, 2013, 5:04 pm
Actually, quite a few mental illnesses could present with being “an abusive, homophobic person.” Obviously this isn’t what he has, but different forms of dementia can present with unfortunate personality changes (read: asshole).
Ladybug February 13, 2013, 10:22 am
WWS. His parents, who have known him his whole life, are telling you that what you’re getting now is the norm for this guy. It sounds like he managed to pull himself together long enough to establish a relationship with you, and now he doesn’t feel like he needs to bother. He’s also made it crystal clear that he doesn’t want to change–he says he’d rather have you leave than even consider a change in medication! If it sounded like he was at all willing to seek help, I be more likey to say that this is part of the whole “in sickness and in health” deal you promised when you married him. When one partner is completely unwilling to work on an issue, however, it really only leaves the other with two options: put up with it indefinitely, or leave. In your case, putting up with it indefinitely sounds completely miserable. Do what’s best for your well-being and leave.
lemongrass February 13, 2013, 10:24 am
How do you get into this situation? I just can’t wrap my mind around the chain of decisions.
Marcie February 13, 2013, 10:33 am
But she loves him! Or, at least she used to. We all know love will sustain a relationship!
landygirl February 13, 2013, 10:33 am
*Facepalm*
othy February 13, 2013, 10:44 am
I cannot figure out how long she dated the guy before marriage. My guess is not long. Or long distance the entire time. I’m a big fan of the ‘try it before you buy it’ mentality, by living with a person before you get married to them. If we legally required everyone to live with a potential spouse for year before they could get married, boy would this fix a lot of marital problems…
rachel February 13, 2013, 12:00 pm
This is what I was wondering. The fact that he has agoraphobia means he likely didn’t go to the US to visit her either.
SweetPeaG February 13, 2013, 10:48 am
Oh Lord in heaven. Why did you marry this guy? I do not see one single good quality listed.
But, then again, if I am honest with myself… I dated an awful person for four years. If he would have asked me to marry him, I would have. I am so thankful he never did. I guess I was in a bad place. I guess I believed no one would ever love me as much (as he liked to tell me so… can you say manipulative?). Sometimes we lie to ourselves and think something is right. I have no idea what frame of mind you were when you married this guy. So, I guess I can’t judge.
But, really? You’re 27. You can have so many awesome years of life. But, if you stick with this guy, you are looking at 50 plus years of misery. I believe in the sanctity and seriousness of marriage… but I think exceptions can be made. Get divorced and then throw yourself a party!
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:24 am
This is my favorite reply.
John Rohan February 13, 2013, 10:55 am
A lot of readers here are beating up on this woman for marrying this guy, but I don’t see what she did wrong. If you believe her, then when she met him he was normal for months, and changed after she married him. Now she can leave him, but I understand the dilemma – they haven’t been married long, and she doesn’t want to look like she’s giving up too soon.
I don’t know what his condition is, and what meds he’s taking, but I’m guessing what happened was that he was taking his meds when he met her, and he stopped after they were married. Since anti-depressants tend to kill your sex drive, I can see why he didn’t want to take them as a newlywed.
Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of options here. You can’t have a relationship with someone who stays in bed 18 hours a day! Personally, I would give him an ultimatum: “Go to the doc, take your meds, or I’m leaving”. Then let him decide which is more important to him.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 11:25 am
Sounds like he already answered that question/ultimatum.
lemongrass February 13, 2013, 11:06 am
I knew you were trouble when I walked in, so shame on me now.
katie February 13, 2013, 11:10 am
and i just learned what the correct lyrics are to that song.
Jess February 13, 2013, 11:13 am
No matter what you decide regarding divorce, annulment, or reconciliation, you DO NOT have to sponsor him on an immigrant visa and he cannot settle in the US without that.
While you are deciding, delay that process. If you decide that you need to see each other to work things out, he can come over on a tourist (B1/B2) visa.
Sue Jones February 13, 2013, 11:40 am
Oh good god! You married him without really knowing him even though his parents warned you about his “fucked up personality”. Now that he is married to you and the honeymoon is over, his true self is coming out. It will NOT get better! It will only get worse. Get a divorce NOW before you have babies and mortgages and have to pay HIM alimony because he is a lazyass , chalk it up to a youthful mistake and start fresh and MOA.
sarolabelle February 13, 2013, 11:41 am
I think the reason we all love DW and all these letters is because after we read it we go, “huh, guess I don’t have any real problems after all”
Desiree February 13, 2013, 11:41 am
From the medical perspective, this guy does not only have agoraphobia and anxiety disorder. His current symptoms are incompatible with those two disorders. If he refuses to seek further psychiatric treatment, this marriage is DOA.
Mara February 13, 2013, 2:07 pm
I agree! As a nurse, I want to know what beta-blockers he is on cause I have never heard of someone being on beta-blockers for anxiety! I wonder if she meant to write benzos? Like Xanax, ativan?
Yammy February 13, 2013, 5:57 pm
Propranolol is sometimes used for anxiety. I think it may be an off label use (in the US), but not sure. If you read the first paragraph of the mechanism of action on rxlist, it explains it (kind of). We had a patient ask to try it at the clinic I work at, and it did well for that individual. I’ve never seen it prescribed for that purpose before or since.
Stephanie February 13, 2013, 9:30 pm
I work in a rehab center and we use Propranolol for patients with PTSD and severe social anxiety. It’s a good non-addictive option. So maybe that’s why?
Mara February 13, 2013, 10:38 pm
Hmmm….that makes sense! Thanks for the information. I will tuck that information away. Must have been a last ditch effort for his doctor? Still, the husband needs psychological help.
LM February 13, 2013, 11:49 am
Why did you marry him, exactly? Was it as some sort of favor or so he could get a Visa?
*face palm* SMH
bittergaymark February 13, 2013, 11:57 am
And you married him… Why, exactly? I dunno. Seems to me that you are perhaps BOTH mentally ill.
PS: Oh, and for future reference, clearly four months is NOT “plenty of time”…
Trixy Minx February 13, 2013, 12:07 pm
Wtf. Why would you even date someone like that?! Let alone marry them. Why would anyone put up with such shitty behavior?
Bon Vivant February 13, 2013, 12:27 pm
“I truly believe he will get a job and keep it because I have talked to him about these issues.”
A job as what? A professional layabout? Exactly what facet of his conduct compels you to believe this?
WEES and MOA.
lets_be_honest February 13, 2013, 12:30 pm
Wait, can you get a job as a professional layabout?
landygirl February 13, 2013, 2:06 pm
If she thinks that talking to someone will cure them of years of bad behavior, then I have a bridge to sell her.
Bon Vivant February 13, 2013, 12:28 pm
“I truly believe he will get a job and keep it because I have talked to him about these issues.”
A job as what? A professional layabout? Exactly what facet of his conduct compels you to believe this?
WEES and MOA.
Bon Vivant February 13, 2013, 12:29 pm
eek sorry about the duplicate
AKchic_ February 13, 2013, 12:36 pm
Short version: YES.
Longer version: For fuck’s sake dumbass, of course you should leave him. You loathe him and it oozes out of your letter. I loathe him from what you’ve said about him in your letter.
He told you he has no plans of changing, he wants no other medications (meaning no more medical help/mental health interventions), and his parents said he’s ALWAYS been like this. His parents were warning you away and you ignored them.
He was on his best behavior to woo you and get you to marry him. Now that you’re married, he can show you exactly who he truly is. A monstrously atrocious manchild.
Consider this a lesson learned. Divorce him or do what you can to get the marriage annulled. Don’t waste another day on this horrible marriage.
Doodles February 13, 2013, 2:03 pm
Omg! This guy is a clusterfuck!. LW you need to leave. Not only is this man mentally ill, he is verbally and emotionally abusive. Once you move in together, he will more than likely become physically abusive. He uses his mental illness as a way to excuse his behavior. He can not hold down a job and you are diluting yourself into thinking that that will change when he comes to the US. Why do you believe that? Because you told him that he has to? Well he won’t and you WILL end up supporting his lazy ass. You need to reas your letter over very carefully and then ask yourslf why you haven’t left his ass already. This will not get better, it will only get much much worse. Grow a pair of lady balls, get a lawyer and slap his ass with divorce/annulment papers. Get some therapy to figure out why you are rushing into things with people you do not know from a hole in the wall. Work on your slf esteem (i think this is a cause of your actions). Why do you need to be with someone to validate your self worth. And next time you meet a guy, you need to really need to with him for a long time to get to know the person, and you need to have face to face contact not just through the telephone before you jump into everything, including another marriage. Take your time, this is not a race. But seriously, you need to talk to aomeone about why you do the things you do.
Leslie February 13, 2013, 7:10 pm
Leave!
Lucy February 13, 2013, 9:02 pm
LW – this guy doesn’t want to be married to you. But he’s too chickenshit to say so, so he’s acting like this to force you to leave him. Give him what he wants.