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I don’t feel like kissing her or having sex with her. It’s like I’ve checked out physically. However, there have been no complaints about the lack of sex although she did ask a few times if I was seeing someone else. The last time we did it was four months ago. And before then it was like two months before. So during the second year together, we didn’t have a lot of sex. My testosterone levels are fine, and I’m fit and active. Is it me being lazy or am I just not that into her anymore? I feel like she’s becoming more like a friend. The whole thing is making me sad because I want things to be exciting.
I fantasize about ending it, going on Tinder for casual sex, and then finding a new relationship. How immature and selfish of me, right? Do all men think like this? Is this a sign that I should move on, or is it just a fantasy? What happens if I get bored with the new girlfriend in two years time? What does this mean? I’m destined to changing girlfriends every two years? That’s depressing.
My girlfriend is a wonderful and kind person. I worry I’ll regret the decision and won’t find someone else as loving and devoted as she is. Also, great sex does not mean you’ll be together forever. I know many couples that had great sex and have since broken up. If you think about it, how many times would you have sex in a year (especially in your 50s)? It wouldn’t be as often as in your 20s or 30s. Does it make sense to exit a relationship in your 50s when in five years the libido will be almost gone? I’ve read that companionship is more valuable than lust over 40 years.
Is it over or can this be worked out? — Doomed Relationship?
Do you want to have sex at all? Or do you just want to want to have sex with someone new? Maybe your libido is very low and sex just isn’t something you want, and if your girlfriend feels similarly, maybe this doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. But you mention feeling bored, feeling sad because you want something more exciting, and fantasizing about ending your relationship and going on Tinder. I just wonder if you’re confusing what you want with what you *think* you want.
Maybe sex just isn’t exciting for you anymore, regardless of who it’s with. Perhaps you’re not a relationship person (not everyone is). Maybe you’ve convinced yourself that sex is what will fill your need for excitement because that’s what worked in the past or what you think works for other people, but maybe what you need is something else entirely.
If this need for a new relationship every two years has been a pattern in your life for a long time, this is probably something worth exploring with a therapist. You ask what it means if you get bored with a girlfriend after a while and want to break up, and I can’t tell you that. This is an individual issue and your avoidance of/disinterest in commitment could be the result of all kinds of things. It may also just be who you are and not necessarily something that needs to be “fixed.”
What might beed adjusting is what you think your idea of fulfillment and happiness is. Maybe all this time you’ve been looking for it through what has worked for other people – like long-term commitment – instead of exploring what might work for you. (Obviously, committed relationships don’t work for you, so maybe it’s time to stop trying? Maybe it’s not about being with the wrong person, but that commitment doesn’t fulfill you.)
You say that you read that companionship is more valuable than sex over 40 years, and I’m not sure what you even mean by that. Lust doesn’t last 40 years. Lust is a temporary thing. Lust fades. Companionship outlives lust by a lot. Does that make it more valuable? Well, to someone who values companionship it does! To someone who places a lot of value on lust, then, yeah, short, maybe even non-monogamous relationships would likely be a better fit. But what do YOU value? I can’t tell by reading and re-reading your letter. What is important to YOU?
Forget what you’ve read about libido after a certain age, never mind what you’re heard happens to other people, or what other people want or crave. Listen to your own desires, tune in to your own needs. How valuable is the companionship you have with your girlfriend? How much do you love her? Do you love her at all? Do you have any interest in HER, beyond the love and devotion she gives you? If not, just move on. But if you really care about her and truly want to build a future with her, I’m not sure a lack of sexual desire with her necessarily dooms that potential.
It’s clear that you want something more or something different. What’s not clear is what that something is, and whether your girlfriend knows how you feel. It’s time to get real with yourself – and the guidance of a good therapist can help with this a lot! – and to get honest with your girlfriend. Clearly, the pattern you’ve been engaged in for however long isn’t working for you long-term. Finding a new sex partner on Tinder isn’t going to fill the hole inside you. Time to do the work to figure out what will.