Gary told me in the early stages of our dating that he had a friend’s wedding coming up and his ex was going to it. I found that pretty troubling but decided that when I went I’d put on a happy face and genuinely be kind to her if I saw her there.
Then a few weeks later I found her old nudes on my boyfriend’s phone. He promised there was nothing going on and that they were just old photos he hadn’t deleted yet; he said he never looks at them and forgot they were there. I chose to believe him as everything else between us is so perfect.
But seeing those nudes of his ex on his phone has made me not want to attend the wedding. After telling him I wasn’t sure about going, he informed me that I wasn’t invited anyway as he and his ex were invited as a couple and aren’t now allowed plus ones after breaking up.
My question is: Should he still go? Should I let him go and should I then get over it even though I have been anxious for weeks, am hurt that he still wants to go, and am uncomfortable with the whole idea? He doesn’t want to upset me, but he also says he doesn’t want to upset the bride and groom. (Yet he is not in the wedding party and told me that he is not that close with the couple.)
Please help — the wedding is this weekend and nothing is decided with us. — Nude to This
You may think that “when it’s right, it’s right,” but : 1) that doesn’t mean you should immediately move in with someone you barely know who is just out of a relationship; 2) it wasn’t actually “right”; and 3) when it’s wrong, it’s wrong, and this has “wrong” written all over it. I hate to break it to you, but no relationship is “perfect,” including your own super-special one. That your boyfriend didn’t bother to tell you that you weren’t invited to the wedding he was going to along with his ex is but one of several indications of that. The undeleted nudes of his ex is another. And the most telling is how cavalier he is, especially knowing how uncomfortable you are with all of this, about going to a wedding for a couple with whom he isn’t close that is also a wedding you are not invited to and where his ex, whose nudes graced his phone as recently as a few months ago, will be in attendance.
It’s really not your place to tell your boyfriend where he can and can’t go. But that he even WANTS to go to this wedding knowing how you feel about it — that he’s placing the feelings of people he says he isn’t even that close to above yours–speaks volumes. As do those nudes of his ex on his phone that you stumbled upon.
When it’s wrong it’s wrong, and “when it sounds crazy,” it often is. Moving in with your first adult boyfriend weeks after meeting him and just after he ended another relationship was kind of crazy. I know you think it was crazy in a “we’re just so crazy in love with our perfect relationship” sort of way, but someone who is crazy in love in a perfect relationship doesn’t behave the way your boyfriend is behaving. This isn’t Crazy in Love; this is just crazy. You should probably break up with the guy, but at the very, very least, move out, slow your roll, and actually get to know each other — imperfections and all — before you race forward.
I have been going over to her place to help her, buying stuff for her, and having her over all the time. I was getting excited to be a first-time grandma–only to be crushed. She called my husband to say she had been bleeding and was headed to the hospital. We jumped in our car, but when we got to the hospital, she would not allow me into her room. The great news is she didn’t lose the baby, but I still felt crushed. I guess she doesn’t consider her baby to be my grandchild. I don’t know what to do; I feel betrayed. My husband says not to take it personally, but are you kidding me? I need advice. — Crushed Grandma-To-Be
Oh, stop being such a drama queen. Your stepdaughter’s not wanting you to be in the hospital room after her near-miscarriage isn’t some statement about your role in her baby’s life. It isn’t even a rejection of you, although you feel like it is. This may come as a shock to you, but your stepdaughter’s miscarriage scare — even her pregnancy — isn’t about you! It’s totally normal to not want people in your hospital room after something like what she went through, particularly if someone who wants in is known to be dramatic, narcissistic, or often making things about herself, which I suspect may describe you.
Look, I don’t know what your history with your stepdaughter truly is. I think it sounds a little suspect that “whenever you had to discipline her,” she had friends’ families convinced you were evil, and that she thought things at home were so awful that she moved out when she was a junior in high school. It makes me wonder how, exactly, you were disciplining her and what she found in someone else’s family and home that she wasn’t getting in her own. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you and she simply had a long rough patch and that you loved her the best way you knew how. It does seem you DO love her and that you two have repaired your relationship; that she’s let you be so involved in her pregnancy is a great sign.
Don’t blow shit up now by being a drama queen after HER miscarriage scare. That’s a surefire way of alienating her. Keep supporting her. Keep being there for her. But give her some space. Back off a little. Let her tell you what she needs from you. ASK her what she needs. And if you want to gauge what kind of role you may have in her baby’s life — which, really, will be determined in the years to come — you could ask her what she might like her baby to call you. If she says “Grandma,” then congrats. But if she says something that indicates she isn’t thinking along those lines just yet, don’t give up hope. You are clearly someone who is a big part of your stepdaughter’s life, and as long as you don’t alienate her, there’s no reason why you won’t be a big part of her baby’s life, too.
There are lots of names for “grandma.” The baby may surprise you both and come up with its own variation. Lift the conditions you are putting on your love — both for your stepdaughter and the baby she’s carrying — and I think you’ll find you will attract more of it into your life and will cultivate stronger relationships, too.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.