I cannot get out of this funk, and it is incredibly frustrating to the both of us. I attend counseling regularly and am taking antidepressants. I am trying to do all the right things to properly heal while also going to school full-time and working. We have often taken breaks throughout the relationship because we think that I may need time to heal alone. Those become very difficult because we really love each other and want to hang out and continue to be in one another’s lives. I’m scared we are at our breaking point though. We want it to work so badly, but I feel that we are both fed up with the aspect of my depression in our relationship. I really just don’t know what to do, and I hope outsider opinions will help me with the decision.
P.S. Birth control, birth control, birth control!! I never knew this adoption would be soooo hard. — Birth Mother
How can you be expected to work on the health and happiness of your relationship when you don’t have your own health and happiness under control? You’ve been splitting your focus for over two years now — trying to keep your head above water while also sparing whatever leftover emotion you can muster for your boyfriend. But both of you should know by now, you don’t have anything leftover for him — not even scraps; you’re empty. He’s been holding up the weight of your relationship on his own now for a couple of years and he’s (rightfully) tired. It can’t go on like this. You have to focus on yourself before you have anything to give anyone else.
I understand that you love each other and it’s hard to let go, but love isn’t enough, no matter how deep it may feel. Love alone is not enough to sustain relationships. Imagine trying to raise a child when all you have to give is love (as I’m sure you did consider when you decided to give up your baby for adoption). Love doesn’t put a roof over a child’s head, or food on his table or clothes on his body. Love doesn’t buy birthday gifts or take him on summer road trips if there’s no money for gas. Love is nice — it’s definitely necessary for a healthy, happy, functioning life — but it’s not enough.
You’re only going to get better when you’re able to focus all that love you have in your heart on yourself — when you use every ounce of energy on being the person you want to be. You can’t do that with split focus right now — even with your boyfriend helping to lift you up. You have to do it on your own — well, on your own and with the continued help and support of your therapist and whatever friends and family have been by your side — and you have to fully commit.
Fully commit to your health without the distraction of a relationships pulling you in multiple directions. See how well you can get without the burden of guilt weighing on your shoulders — guilt that you aren’t enough for your boyfriend and that you’re dragging him and your relationship down. As cliché as it sounds, if you two are meant to be, then you’ll be. And you’ll be so much happier together when YOU are happier. The path you’ve taken for the last two+ years hasn’t gotten you there, so time to change routes. Try a different direction and see where it leads you. If you don’t like that path, you can always turn around, but you owe it to yourself to at least see how far it can take you.
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