While I was saying all of this, the two co-workers I was out with were telling me to stop, saying it wasn’t cool, etc. I don’t know what got into me or what came over me; I would never, ever dream of making a move on someone who is in a relationship, and while I do have a crush on the guy, I never planned to do anything about it.
I’m so mortified and am pretty sure the co-workers I was drinking with have told him everything I said because they have a friendship with him outside of work. I’m so ashamed and embarrassed that I’ve been losing sleep over it, thinking about my behavior all day every day, and I am terrified of going back to work and having to face everyone. I know that there’s no way the co-worker I have a crush on will be able to view me in a positive light after learning the things I said about him.
I don’t know if I should speak to him privately or speak to the two guys I went out with and try to clear up the situation. I know that even though I was drunk, I’m to blame for my actions. I acted like a complete idiot and crossed a line that I should not have, I’m beating myself up about this so much, and I’m so embarrassed and scared of what it’s going to be like when I go back to work.
FYI, I’m a full-time student who works at a bar, so I only have to be there three nights a week, but I’ve worked there for a while and have good relationships with my co-workers. I’m afraid now everyone will see me as a vulgar sloppy drunk and a home-wrecker! — Not Always a Vulgar Sloppy Drunk
Relax! It’s going to be ok! You said some inappropriate things, and that’s unfortunate, but this is not the end of the world! And because you work in a bar part-time, it’s different than if you worked in a more traditionally professional atmosphere. People who work in bars are sort of used to sloppy drunks saying inappropriate things. I wouldn’t lose sleep about this. I also wouldn’t speak privately to the subject of your remarks. You don’t know what, if anything, was shared with him, and you risk not only outing yourself if he hasn’t heard anything, but making him uncomfortable to boot.
What you could do instead is pull aside the two co-workers you went out with the other night, either together or individually, and say something like, “Hey, I’m really regretting my behavior the other night. I drank too much and said a lot of things I didn’t mean and wouldn’t normally say, and I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I apologize if I said or did anything to make you feel uncomfortable – it won’t ever happen again — and I hope you won’t hold it against me.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if they shrug and say, “Yeah – you were really trashed!” Just shrug back and say, “I know. Like I said, I’m pretty embarrassed about it and hope we can all forget it happened!” I promise, it’s probably not as big a deal as you think it is, but do take this as an important lesson to NOT to talk the way you did ever again, most especially with co-workers. It’s really important as we fight against sexually inappropriate behavior in the workplace that we women not actively perpetuate it!
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.