My roommate cried all day when she heard that. I confronted the bride and told her how much she hurt us by not even telling us until we asked her. According to her, we haven’t made any effort to be in her life and the people who have are the ones who get to be in the wedding party. It’s true that we don’t get to spend a lot of time together, but I work a job that’s twelve+ hours a day, six days a week. My roommate works two jobs with one day off a week. On that one day off — usually Sunday — we have a ton of chores and errands to do: cleaning the house and doing laundry, grocery shopping, etc. The bride lives two hours away. Whenever we find out that she’s in our town, we make an effort to hang out. However, there are many times when we never know she’s in town because she doesn’t tell us. She is accusing us of making excuses.
The other two bridesmaids are choosing her side over ours, and we have been friends with them since kindergarten while we’ve been friends with the bride since high school. It hurts so much that our friendships are being ruined because of a wedding. I don’t know what to do now. — Demoted Bridesmaid
It wasn’t really a wedding that ruined your friendships — it was: a) life getting busy and not any of you prioritizing the friendships as much as necessary to stay close; b) the bride being a bitch; c) not checking in with the bride for, like, over ten months about wedding planning details (see A); being under the false impression that being in a wedding is fun or cool and that getting “demoted” is something to be upset about. Seriously, your bitchy bride friend kind of did you a favor. Now, not only do you not have to spend upwards of $100-$200 (the average bridesmaid spends over $1600 for the honor)”>or even more!) on a stupid dress you’ll never wear again, you really don’t even have to go to the wedding and take time off work and spend money on travel, lodging, and a wedding gift for someone you probably aren’t going to be talking to in a few months’ time.
I mean, think about it: If you guys barely have anything to do with each other now, while you’re all young and likely child-free, imagine how little you’d actually have to do with each other when you’ve got in-laws you have to make time for, and kids you might be raising, and new friends from all these jobs you’ve been holding down whom you might want to connect with as you all move on to bigger and better jobs. Life gets really busy the older you get and, if you want to have truly quality friendships that you show up for (because it isn’t a quality friendship if you aren’t showing up), you have to keep the quantity of friendships to a manageable level. It sounds like you were having a hard time managing the friendship with the bitchy bride and that she wasn’t doing her part to meet you halfway. The friendship was going to fade out soon anyway. The way it’s gone down is painful, and potentially embarrassing, but the silver lining is that you saved the money, time, and trouble of being in her wedding party and posing for photos you’d probably only see on Facebook — the graveyard of high school friendships that no longer exist in real life. Consider yourself lucky, and if you’re feeling charitable, send a nice card.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.