I hate how I have such a strong dislike for this guy. I know it has caused some damage to my relationship with my sister and I hate it! I keep telling myself I need to stop being so paranoid and learn to like him, but we have a brother who recently went through a horrible divorce from a woman I also did not like but forced myself to get along with for my brother’s sake. I made the mistake of accepting someone once before who turned around and seriously hurt a sibling, so how am I supposed to do it again?
I am so torn on how to fix this complicated situation. I am not sure what I can do to prevent any more damage to my relationship with my sister. — Hating Sister’s Fiancé
What you can do to prevent any more damage to your relationship with your sister is to butt out of her personal affairs. Honestly, unless you have reason to believe that her fiancé is abusive or dangerous in some way or that marrying him will literally ruin her life, it’s not your place to interfere. Furthermore, I’m not sure what kind of effect you think you might possibly have on your sister. If she already knows all the stuff about her fiancé that you think is so awful, what new insight or perspective could you share that would suddenly open her eyes?
You say that you forced yourself to like your brother’s wife for his sake and that was a mistake because she turned around and hurt him, but what difference do you think your not accepting your brother’s wife would have made? Do you honestly believe all you had to do was say, “Don’t marry her! I don’t approve!” and he would have dumped her and you would have saved him whatever heartache he’s feeling now? If you have that much faith in your ability to persuade people, I hope you’re banking on that skill somehow, like practicing law or working in politics or, you know, just raising a teenager or two.
The truth is, you probably have about as much skill as the rest of us in persuading our loved ones to do what we think is best for them, which is to say probably not that much. And there’s a reason most of us can’t convince people to make the decisions we think they should: because it’s not our fucking lives.
I’m guessing you have your own life, and, if you don’t, I suggest you get one. And since you have your own life — or will hopefully have one soon — I suggest you focus your energy on it. Live well, love well, do good. You may not be able to change the world, or even change people’s minds, but chances are you can at least improve your own relationships, and that’s a pretty damn good deal in the big scheme of things. Live well, love well, do good. And let the people you care about live their own lives, make their own decisions, learn from their own mistakes, and grow from the pain you think they need to avoid at all costs. You’ll be better for it and so will your relationships.
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