Three letters in today’s column. Let’s get to it:
I married less than a year ago to a man who was a notorious bachelor. He had multiple partners over the years after a few bad marriages. His wives all divorced him after they cheated on him. Well, after being alone for about 13 years, I slowly started dating “Jim” and after eight months got serious. Our sex life was fine while dating, and we actually have lots of chemistry. He is very charming, and I find him very sexy. So we got married and things were OK for about two months, and then I started noticing he is not instigating any intimacy and he seems very lackluster when I do.
I talked to him and he has no excuse other than “just a thing he is going through.” Six months later we are still down to having sex just once a month and only if I beg him to touch me. I am honestly so depressed and saddened and feel incredibly ugly. I have talked to a therapist and she has advised him to come in and talk as well, but he refuses it. I am not sure at this point what to do. I don’t want to throw in the towel as everything else seems fine, but this is putting a huge strain on me and my faith in this union. When we were dating, we had discussed his previous sexual dailliances and he was very forthright with me, stating he was just having lots of fun with lots of women. He said he has seen and done everything and finds sex just boring and he is not interested anymore. Should I just walk away now? — Sex-starved Bride
Yes, I would absolutely walk away. A man with “a few bad marriages” under his belt, who has a history of sexual issues (whether it be promiscuity, infidelity, or finding sex “boring,”), and who is unwilling to seek therapy to address the issues despite his new wife “begging” him to touch her is not going to get better, and now you have a good idea why all his previous marriages ended in divorce (and why the ex-wives felt the need to cheat). This is the very best your marriage is going to be — and if you stay with him, it’s very likely going to get a lot worse. Get out now!
Recently, I found out my boyfriend had been talking to his ex for two months. I read their texts and then confronted him. He was sending her love messages and saying that we were broken up. He was asking to get back together with her, and she was denying him. He told me that his ex was suicidal because of their break-up and her father asked him to act interested in her so she wouldn’t hurt herself. He said he had no romantic feelings for her anymore and was just telling her those things to comfort her. He even told me they hung out a few times to talk, but nothing more. I chose to believe him and we had a wonderful holiday season together, but I have not been able to trust him since and I question everything he does. Now that we’re back at school (with the ex) after a short break, I can’t stop thinking if he made up that story. Should I confront the ex and ask her what really happened? — Wondering ‘What If’
No, you should not confront the ex. You should listen to your gut and employ common sense. Do you really think if someone were truly suicidal, her father would reach out to the guy who broke her heart and ask him to act interested in her and like he wanted to get back together? Do you really think that’s the approach a loving father would take to help his suicidal daughter? If you think that sounds a little fishy and probably isn’t the real story, and if you’re having trouble trusting your boyfriend, you need to listen to your gut. The person you should confront is your boyfriend — for lying to you and trying to cheat on you behind your back. And then you should move on already.
My fiancé and I have dated for four years now in a long-distance relationship so I could go to school. He’s amazing with my son, and I love him. However, I’m getting ready to graduate this spring and I’m left at a crossroads. I’m worried about moving to his home state. I feel anxious about being in the “big city” and moving my son away from his grandparents. He and I moved a lot when he was younger and he didn’t take it well. I’d have to rely on my fiancé financially if we moved to his home state because it’s so expensive and I don’t have the right licensing to work there. We’ve been trying to move to a smaller, cheaper town, but he doesn’t want to lose his pension by changing jobs. He’s been looking for another job in the small city without any success. So I’m torn between moving to the big city or staying in the country. My parents tell me that I’m making a horrible decision to move, increasing my anxiety. I don’t want to break my son’s heart if things don’t work out.
— Country Mouse Torn
I agree with your parents. Moving your son somewhere where you can’t financially support yourself and have to depend on someone you’ve only been long-distance with is a really, really bad idea. Any time there’s an underage child in the picture, his or her needs have to be prioritized, and if one partner isn’t willing to sacrifice to meet those needs, the relationship can’t be successful. Let your boyfriend move to you, and if he can’t, then you aren’t meant to be.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.