I’ve never had an interest in sex. No no, let me amend that: I’ve never had an interest in actually having sex. I’m a nearly 27-year-old woman and even though it doesn’t particularly bother me, it doesn’t seem normal to other people. I’m still a virgin, and many people have made the snide comments about how I’ll probably die alone someday, still a virgin, surrounded by a million cats.
I have never understood the appeal or sex whatsoever; I’ve never felt attracted to anyone — male or female — except for a few completely harmless celebrity crushes over the years. Because of this, I really see no point in dating, because dating inevitably leads to sex, and frankly, I just don’t want it. I don’t see why it’s such a big deal to the rest of the world that I don’t. I’ve had friends of both genders who’ve tried to take things further, and I’ve almost immediately cut things off because the idea is such a turn-off to me and freaks me out so badly. I guess I shouldn’t be asking if this is normal, because I know realistically it can’t be. My own parents make me out to be less of a person because I have no interest in sex, which seems wrong, as my siblings have all gone on to get married as a result of – get this – teen pregnancies. (ALL OF THEM.) One might wonder if this has anything to do with my aversion towards sex myself, but I already felt this way long before the siblings were even old enough to be of dating age yet themselves.
Physically, there’s nothing wrong with me, like low hormone levels screwing things up; I’ve had this checked, so apparently whatever it is is all in my head, according to the doctors I’ve talked to. Which brings up another point: A couple of the doctors I’ve seen over the years don’t believe me that anyone my age could have gone this far in life without having any sort of sexual activity with another person. The closest I ever got was kissing someone once – no tongue – and I immediately felt like I was going to vomit. I’ve never wanted to try again.
I guess my real question is: how do I deal with all these people, and is there any hope of me living some semblance of a normal life? — No Sexual Feeling
I’m pretty sure I’m stating the obvious here, but just in case it hasn’t occurred to you yet, there is a name for feeling zero sexual attraction: it’s called asexuality (there’s also “demisexuality” which is only experiencing sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection with someone). And, yes, it’s rare, but you certainly aren’t the only person in the world whose sexual orientation is “no thanks.” You didn’t ask why you’re asexual, which is good, because I wouldn’t know what to tell you. Like people of other sexual orientations, you were likely just born that way. It probably has something to do with your brain makeup. Or, maybe there was some sort of sexual trauma in your past — something you’ve even repressed and don’t remember. I don’t know. Fortunately, you didn’t ask how you could “stop” being asexual, because I wouldn’t know how to answer that either. How do you ever stop being who you are? I would never advise someone to try to stop being gay (or straight or bi), and likewise, I wouldn’t advise you to stop being asexual. I say embrace who you are (whether you truly are asexual or demisexual or some shade of gray-sexual).
But, again, these weren’t your questions, were they? Perhaps you have already embraced who you are and your only issue is dealing with other people. Somehow, though, I don’t believe that’s entirely true. If you were completely happy with who you are, then what others thought of your lifestyle wouldn’t bug you so much. So, I say start with you first and worry about other people later. I gather the biggest obstacle standing in your way of self-acceptance is feeling like a freak, or an outsider. So, I’d urge you to begin networking with others like you. I’d start online first, like at asexuality.org, where you can chat (and rant and rave and vent) with others on the site’s forums. From there, you can branch out to other networks and perhaps even find other asexual people in your own area. I suspect as you network with other asexual people, you’ll deal with another obstacle standing in your way of self-acceptance: the idea that you can never have a romantic or intimate relationship. As you’ll discover, it is possible to have a rich, rewarding relationship with another person (should that be something you want; it’s also perfectly fine to never have an intimate relationship if you don’t want one).
Now… how to handle the naysayers: I say screw ’em. What business is it of theirs anyway? None. And why do they know so much about your sexual preferences? Why have you let it be a topic of conversation? If you don’t want to talk about it, ignore the questions when they come up or change the topic or give non-answers. Or, you could go the direct way and simply say, “You know, I have no interest in sex, thank God. It seems to make everyone else say and do crazy things. I’m glad to be free of that burden. The only negative about my situation is dealing with people like you who think I would be happier being like them. I assure you, I am perfectly happy not having the kind of baggage and hang-ups I see so many other people experiencing. So, please, if you can’t respect my lifestyle, at least quit bugging me about it, and I’ll continue not bugging you about yours.”
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.