During the fall they went on a couple of dates and later hooked up twice. I, being friends with both of them, warned each of them that she gets emotionally attached quickly and that they should proceed with caution. After their second hookup he cut off contact with her and began to ignore her completely! She was understandably upset and told him off accordingly. He later told me she was catching feelings and that he didn’t feel the same for her. She said it was true she was in love with him. In an effort not to hurt her he decided to leave her alone.
Months passed by and he and I remained friends. We never went on a date and we maintained casual text conversations only occasionally. Then Valentine’s Day arrived. I partied really hard the night before as any awesome single girl would do, which resulted in a hangover. Since I didn’t have a Valentine, I spent the early evening recovering on our couch when, out of nowhere, I get a text invitation to come over to the neighbor’s place. I accepted because, after he and my friend called it quits, I made no effort to hide from my BFF that I wanted to sleep with the guy. My friend didn’t like that at all, but I told her that he is fair game especially since she told him to get out of her life. She confessed she still had feelings for him and that I was no friend if I hooked up with him knowing that she likes him. I disagreed.
He and I then hooked up and we really hit it off. He gave me the same speech he gave her about how he is emotionally unavailable. I accepted his proposal for a casual hookup situation because I am an emotionally unavailable woman. I thought having a FWB would be the perfect arrangement! I was so wrong…months into it he starts telling me he really likes me. I say, “Cool, I like you too.” What I failed to mention is that I continued to date several other men and hookup with some all while remaining casual with him. I figured his like for me was outpacing my like for him. I finally let him take me on a group date one night where he introduced me to his friends for the first time. Since we were just casual, I felt no reason to act like a potential girlfriend during the evening. I even hit on another man while we were out. New guy gave me his number and I promised to follow up.
My date must’ve seen me having a good time with the other man because he was noticeably upset during the car ride home. That’s when he decided to tell me he wants to have sex with my BFF again. I told him that was fine with me. However, I also made it clear that he would lose any sexual benefits from me by messing with my friend again but that he and I could remain friends, no hard feelings. He then said it would be disrespectful to me and that he wouldn’t do it after all.
Weeks later I found out that he’s still trying to have sex with her while trying to continue his FWB arrangement with me. I called foul on his game and told him to lose my number because I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. He countered by accusing me of catching feelings! I was angered by his arrogant assumption that I caught feelings for him and his audacity to hit on my friend after he had acknowledged the level of disrespect such a thing would be to me. What is this guy’s deal?!? What happened? I want our arrangement back as long as he’s willing to leave my friend alone. I don’t hit on his friends (at least to my knowledge). — Leave Me Friend Alone!
So you disrespected and disregarded your BFF’s/roommate’s feelings by sleeping with a guy she said she was in love with and YOU are the victim in all this? YOU feel like YOU’VE been disrespected? Wow, that’s rich. You said yourself you’ve been casually dating other guys. You hit on and got a guy’s phone number while on a date with someone else. Clearly, you have no shortage of opportunities for hooking up/ making out/ getting attention/ going on dates. Why on earth would you pursue someone your best friend had fallen for and explicitly asked that you leave alone? Why would you butt into their budding relationship and “warn them both” that she gets “emotionally attached quickly and that they should proceed with caution”? It wasn’t any of your business. You hardly knew the guy at all and your concern and priority should have been your best friend’s feelings. The only explanation I can think of for your behavior is that you’re manipulative, selfish, in need of a lot of male of attention, and not a very good friend.
There’s more to life than boys. Friendships — especially those of the 20+ years variety — are so much more important than adding one more guy to your fuck buddy rotation. You have risked a lot by acting sexually entitled to whatever and whomever you’re “mildly attracted to.” What about people’s feelings? Honestly, if this is how you treat the closest people in your life, I’m surprised you have any friends at all.
You can continue going through life being “emotionally unavailable” since that’s working so well for you, but understand there are consequences to closing yourself off to feeling empathy and compassion and care and love for others. You might think that you’re boosting your fun factor, being an “awesome single girl,” and protecting yourself from getting hurt, but the truth is that you aren’t. And you’re only setting yourself up for loneliness and isolation because people who are worth having in your life aren’t going to invest in someone who remains emotionally unavailable. People who are worth having in your life — the kinds of friends who have your back and are loyal and stand by your side even when you fuck up and are there when you need support (and there will be a time when you’ll need support) — are not going to continue investing in someone who is emotionally cold, manipulative, and selfish.
This is your chance to make a change. Stop being “that person” and decide to be better. Make the feelings of others a priority. Apologize to your BFF. Cut off contact with the hot neighbor. Practice opening up emotionally and being vulnerable so that you can better empathize and connect with others. Not only will your friendships be deeper and richer, but eventually when you ARE ready for a true relationship — one that goes beyond just hooking up — your heart will be open to that opportunity and will attract others who are equally open and ready.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.