A year or so later, right after his second daughter was born, he gets a text from Karen saying that the baby was actually his, and that he needs to come in for a paternity test. He did, and it turns out it’s his son. He believes the condom had a hole in it because he swore he used protection. As he was telling me this I could tell it was extremely painful for him, as he is very loving and loves his children very much. He said that after he and his daughter’s mom split up some time after, he tried to make it work with Karen so his son could be in his life, but at that point his son didn’t know him and he and Karen weren’t a good match. She took his son away completely, and although Carl still pays child support, he hasn’t seen him in close to a year. Karen is supposed to be getting married soon and her husband is going to adopt Jason (the son), and Carl will have to sign for it.
I have so many emotions about this I don’t even know where to begin. I am very upset that I had to find out from someone else (his whole family assumed he had told me everything—can you blame them?) so I’m still kind of feeling the whole “I don’t know if I can trust him anymore” vibe. But I also understand how it would have taken him so long to tell me, as that is his DEEPEST, DARKEST secret and the personal demon that haunts him the most. He fought for rights for Jason and ended up losing all his money and still having absolutely zero rights. I can see that he is tortured by it, but I still somewhat feel betrayed that he didn’t tell me first before I found out from someone else. He said he did plan on telling me soon but he just couldn’t find the right time or way to and he was afraid I’d leave him because of all his baggage; however, he said he knew I deserved to know anyway.
He is a great man and is very loving and compassionate, and I could tell that it hurt him a great deal that he hurt me. I’m a super compassionate person too, so I really feel for him in this situation; how awful it must be to be basking in the glory of your beautiful newborn daughter only to be served the life-changing news that a child you thought wasn’t yours a year ago is actually yours. One thing I’m glad about is he never tried to make any excuses as to why he didn’t tell me; he made it clear that he was scared and that he’s not perfect, but that he never wants to put me through that again because he knows I don’t deserve it, and he swears he has nothing else to hide and that he’s going to be completely transparent from here on out. He’s actually glad I brought it up to him because he had no choice but to get it off his chest. There’s a part of me that says “no one is perfect, let him earn that trust back,” but then another part that says “he should have manned up.” Thoughts? — Dealing With a Bombshell
My thoughts are that he isn’t telling you the whole truth and that you are conveniently not super interested in knowing the whole truth. Does none of his story ring alarm bells for you? The fact that this one-night-stand just happened to result in a pregnancy, even though Carl was wearing a condom, doesn’t seem a little far-fetched to you? And he told you that this one-night-stand happened, oh, like some time between one and a half to two years before his younger daughter was born? He doesn’t have to make a rough estimate on timing here. Gestation is nine months. If you know the kids’ birthdays, it’s super easy to figure out the exact time-table, and something tells me that if you did that, you might realize that the time of his “one-night-stand” — which was more likely more than just one night — overlapped with the relationship he had with the mother of his second daughter. I know, another BOMBSHELL, right? And if I’m right about this, that makes Carl not just a liar, but a cheater as well.
But the questionable behavior doesn’t stop there. What about how Carl and Karen “didn’t work out anyway, and when she had the baby, she told him not to worry, it wasn’t his”? What does that even mean? Did they try to have a relationship when she told him she was pregnant and the relationship didn’t work out? At what point did they decide it didn’t work out? Was he with her through the pregnancy? Did he support her through it at all? Was he there for the birth? Did he bond with the baby at all? And if so, was it really of no interest to him to pursue a paternity test when Karen told him the baby wasn’t his after all and “not to worry”? Think about that for a second: This guy you are saying is such a loving and wonderful father, and who is so heartbroken over not having parental rights for his son, potentially walked away from said baby just as soon as the mother said “not yours, don’t worry about it,” even though he had sex with the woman nine months before the baby was born. It doesn’t strike you as at least a little bit strange that he didn’t want to make absolutely sure that this baby wasn’t his?
In fact, he didn’t take a paternity test until Karen requested him to, and even then it was to determine whether or not he owed child support. So, he started paying child support, he tried to have a relationship with Karen, the relationship didn’t work out, his son didn’t know him, and he was denied any rights at all. And none of the strikes you as strange? What happened that Carl was denied even visitation rights to his son?! Did you ask that? Did you ask how a lawyer could grant such a penalization, or why Karen would feel so strongly about denying Carl any relationship whatsoever with their son? That doesn’t seem strange to you? Doesn’t strike you as a red flag? Because it should! Even if three different baby mamas and the big lie by omission isn’t enough to doubt this guy, it should give you serious pause that one of the baby mamas thinks so poorly of him that she has completely denied him having any access or visitation to her son whatsoever and that she somehow got the court to agree to this, even though Carl is making regular child support payments.
Look, it just doesn’t all add up. Carl is not telling you everything. And what he IS telling you isn’t totally true. He is still omitting things, and he is ashamed of more than he’s shared with you. About the only thing I buy that he’s selling is that he IS afraid of losing you and that he thought you would be scared off by all his “baggage.” I just don’t believe he’s shared all the baggage with you.
You need to ask more questions and get more clarity. Find out whether he cheated on his second daughter’s mother with Karen. That should matter to you. You deserve to know whether the guy you’re dating has a history of cheating on his girlfriends. Ask him more about this “zero rights” with his son scenario. It’s hard to make a legal case to completely deny parental rights to someone paying child support, and I’d be curious how he explains that. I’m not saying it’s completely impossible, but wouldn’t you think a mother would want her son to have some sort of relationship with his dad if the dad were as loving and wonderful and invested as you say he is? Instead of fostering that, she denied the parental connection for a year, then actively fought to keep Carl from her son, and is now asking Carl to sign for another man to adopt him. And Carl is going to do that, I assume? Well, that’ll get him off the hook for child support, anyway.
You’ve been dating him for four months? If I were you, I’d just move on. There are so many red flags waving and sirens ringing, that it’s hard to imagine a scenario that ends happily for you two. But definitely ask him the questions I suggested if it helps you feel that you’re making the right choice by moving on (you are).
You Might Also Like: