Three letters today:
Why are you engaged when your relationship is in so much trouble? Your communication stinks, your sex life is one-sided, you’re lonely and sound depressed, and you put much of the blame on your fiancée’s dismissiveness of you. You want to figure yourself out? Great. Make an appointment with a therapist. Break up with your girlfriend — or, at the very least, put your engagement on hold — so you have the time and energy and focus to devote to yourself. What you’ve described does not sound like a good, solid, happy relationship. It sounds like a (co-dependent) relationship that has run its course and needs to end. You mention that Jill works during the days and in the next sentence you say that you find women on Craigslist to talk dirty to and that the communication intrigues you. You think Jill’s working has something to do with your seeking out other women? It does not. Jill’s disinterest in you and complete disregard for you and your needs sure might though.
So, start there. Do some soul-searching — on your own and with the help of a professional — to figure out why you’ve agreed to marry someone who doesn’t seem to care about your needs and doesn’t really want you to touch her. Do you think this is what you deserve? Did you lack a model of what a healthy, happy relationship looks like? Do you think you can’t find anyone else? Do you truly believe you’re stupid? For the record, you don’t sound stupid to me. You sounds incredibly lonely and sad. I don’t think Jill is helping your cause at all. I’d say “girl, bye” to Jill until you “figure yourself out” and, dude, make some friends. Something tells me that, when you do, you won’t want Jill after all.
Sounds like you both had some reservations about moving so quickly — that you realized on some level you didn’t really know each other very well and that then, when you had that fight, it gave you both an opportunity to back out of what you weren’t ready for. That’s why you said you might need to wait a little bit and get to know each other, and why he immediately returned the engagement ring. You both knew on some level that getting engaged right now didn’t feel right. And it sounds like, by using the money for the engagement ring to buy a car, your boyfriend went a step further in ensuring there wouldn’t be a proposal — or at least, not as much money for an engagement ring — for a while. That’s why he “jumped the gun.” It was a clear message to you and the message is: I’m not ready for this either. Slow down, get to know each other, and pay attention to the other messages he has for you before you even think about committing your life to this guy. (P.S. Here are 15 things every couple MUST discuss before getting married. I have a feeling there may be a few things on the list you have yet to talk about with your boyfriend.)
Don’t frame your conversation around your wanting to move. Instead, frame it around the real issue here: that you’re unhappy — maybe even miserable. Why are you unhappy? You say you hate the state you live in. Why? Can you list three to five reasons that you hate it? If you can name the reasons and share those with your partner, then the two of you can discuss together how you might better deal with those things. I’m betting, with the possible exception of weather, that most of the factors in your unhappiness are addressable (here’s a guide to finding happiness that may help you). Unemployment, loneliness, and feeling isolated, for example, are all things that you — and your husband! — can work on. And if you literally cannot make your situation better enough to be happy, then the two of you have to decide together whether there’s another place — which may or may not be where you moved from — where you can all find employment and stability, and still maintain regular visits with your stepson.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].