I’ve known my boyfriend about a year and a half. The first eight months were mostly long distance, and then I moved to be with him and we have lived together for ten months now. In the eight months when we were long distance and the first few months we lived together, I was SO attracted to him and thought about him all the time. But in the last year, he’s had horrible stomach problems (ulcers) and while he’s gone to the doctor and is undergoing treatment, there was a long time of constant gas, bowel movement issues, and vomit breath. At the same time, he told me things I definitely did not need or want to hear. He also occasionally guilts me into squeezing zits and stuff on his back, which I hate doing. Basically, he is not maintaining the mystery at ALL.
Though he’s incredibly handsome, takes very good care of himself, and dresses amazingly (he’s European), I’m finding myself not attracted to him anymore. I don’t look forward to sex with him, and am having dreams about leaving him for bigger built men (he’s shorter and smaller than guys I have dated in the past). Is this a result of him being WAY too comfortable around me? Is it because he’s not actually my type, being only two inches taller than me? We’re in our late 20s and I thought about us getting married. It seems like married people accept these kinds of things — after all the aging process isn’t pretty. But then again, we’ve only really been together less than a year and I think I should still be excited about him sexually. I moved across the world to be with him, and I’d like to stay in this country. Since we’re so good together, I don’t want to break up with him; I just want to get the spark back. Help? — Missin’ That Lovin’ Feelin’
If you were “SO attracted” to your boyfriend in the beginning, I wouldn’t say that your change in feelings toward him is because he’s short and “not actually your type.” He was short when you first started dating him, right? That part didn’t change. From your letter, it doesn’t seem apparent that your boyfriend’s looks have changed at all, so it’s pretty safe to rule out his appearance as the cause for your recent change of heart. Does that mean that his being “WAY too comfortable” around you is to blame? Well, as I said in this recent post, there’s a lot to be said for keeping a little mystery in a relationship, and asking your girlfriend to pop your back zits isn’t exactly cultivating it.
Fortunately, it isn’t too late to get back some of the romance you enjoyed in the beginning. First, you need to begin with a long overdue talk with your boyfriend about how uncomfortable you are knowing so much about his bodily functions. Remind him that you’re his girlfriend — not a doctor or a nurse — and it’s time for him to start treating you as such. Sure, people get sick and sometimes the maintenance of a relationship is pushed to the back burner while the maintenance of one’s health becomes a bigger priority, but come on. It’s not like you popping his zits it tantamount to your boyfriend’s recovery. Clearly, he has crossed a line and you need to let him know. By letting him “guilt you” into doing nasty things you don’t want to do — things that actively turn you off sexually — you are not only enabling him, you’re also an active participant in the deterioration of your relationship.
So, quit actively ruining your relationship. Take back your power. Learn to say “no” more easily. Speak up for yourself. Talk to your boyfriend about what’s bothering you, and follow some of these tips for getting your spark back. Finally, if your boyfriend is resistant to your efforts and he doesn’t take an active role in romancing you, despite your concerns for the relationship, it’s definitely time to MOA. Being a loving, supportive girlfriend is one thing. But being a nursemaid is something else altogether, and not a role you signed up for.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].