Well, I moved. During the first week I landed a great job, and though he had not pushed me to find a job, I was happy I landed one. Then my car died going to work my second day and I lost my job/resigned (which he encouraged me to do, ensuring me again that we’d be okay). But then he right away started pressuring me to get a new job, and he started mentioning how I needed to make half of the $705 rent and half the utilities by the first of the month! That only left time for two paychecks if I found instant work! And by this point I had paid my car bills (towing and repairs), bought us a lot of food, bought him a winter jacket, paid $100 into a shared living room chair he begged for, paid for my own gas, bought us a sheet set, etc. — all with no income. I’d thought I would be keeping my new job!
I did get an instant new job with a temp agency but at minimum wage. On my first day of work my boyfriend broke out the calculator to figure out my average paychecks and what I’ll clear. He even calculated all my basic bills such as car insurance, phone, gas, etc. Then he tacked on rent. He wanted me to use my first (weekly) paycheck to cover half of the next month’s rent, which would be my entire paycheck. Well, then I got injured on the job on my fourth day, I finished the week in pain, and I ended up being out work for a week after that. He still wanted rent!
I put my foot down and said that I’d lose my new job if I had no gas to get to work. He finally agreed I could wait to pay rent until next month. Meanwhile, however, he expects us to halve everything, and he stresses me out over money every night as soon as I get home, talking about how bills will be overdue and how he had been anticipating having my help this month (during my first few weeks living with him).
He’s sweet to me in a lot of respects, don’t get me wrong. He puts up with my recurring depression and anxiety and does little things for me. But the money issue is kicking me while I’m down. Even if I had a month to bring in money, it’d still be hard on me (factoring in electricity, rent, car insurance, my phone, my gas, my food (which he eats some of), toiletries, and the $500 medical bill I incurred when I had to go to the ER for treatment of an allergic reaction to a specific contraception he insisted we try because he didn’t want to use a condom).
I feel taken advantage of. He expects all this help from me and yet he never treats to a date — I have to pay for my own meal and sometimes part of his even — or ever buys me little things to make me feel more of a lover than a roommate. This is not even taking into account the lack of intimacy between us (he’s a selfish lover) or his lack of personal hygiene (he has to be reminded daily to brush his teeth and, at times, even to shower).
Am I being unreasonable when I tell him he is asking too much of me? Is it overreactive of me to want to leave him over money alone? — Stressed to the Point of Breaking
A few questions:
Has this come as a total surprise to you?
Did he never show any indications that he was cheap before you moved in with him?
Was he taking you on dates before — buying you meals out and that kind of thing?
And when you talked about how you were going to split expenses when you moved, he was very clear about you not paying rent? And he said that could be for good? Not just until you found a job?
When he said he was “behind payments,” did you ask how and when he planned to get caught up?
I don’t expect to freeload, and I’ve helped out a lot. Aside from what I’ve paid for, I’ve cooked, cleaned, done his laundry, helped him with gas money, bought him a jacket, gone in half on a chair I didn’t want, paid for us to eat out twice ($40+), etc., all while using savings. He knew this too.
I feel taken advantage of and unhappy. Aside from the money issues that cause me mental breakdowns, he hardly brushes his teeth (needs reminding because he never brushed before I moved in), he’s selfish in bed (no foreplay and it’s all about his needs), and I’m constantly cleaning up after his daily messes.
To top it all off, he used to talk of marriage (up until the day I moved in) — how much he wanted it and how he wanted it with me and before having any children. Now he says marriage is just a piece of paper, that having a child shows more commitment than getting married, and that he would have a baby with me right now but is not ready for being engaged.
I just don’t know if I’m overreacting. I’ve never been good at love or had good boyfriends. He does nice things like share holiday bubbly he buys or specialty chocolates. He also has seen me cry a lot over everything and still loves me. And he didn’t stop loving me when I raised these concerns.
Ok, so what I’m hearing is that you saw tons of red flags before moving in with your boyfriend and you ignored all of them. You were off and on for less than a year, your boyfriend was living with friends until very recently (unable, I assume, to afford his own place), he had been behind on bills because of “a massive car payment” and also “mail mess-ups causing delayed paychecks,” he always expected you to come visit him and never reciprocated or offered to help with travel expenses, and you talked “only slightly” about money despite all the signs that he had financial trouble, and I assume his hygiene problems and selfishness in bed aren’t brand new issues. And, yet, you still moved in with him, leaving your home 250 miles away.
Where’s your sense of responsibility in all this? You were given so many signs to wait on moving in together, but you ignored them all and now you’re wondering if you’re overreacting over your boyfriend behaving exactly the way he’s behaved over the past year that you’ve known him (cheap, selfish, bad with money/financial planning, shady about details)? Well, yeah, you kind of ARE overreacting. If his behavior were a surprise and you’d never seen any indication of it, then I’d say a freak-out on your part would absolutely be warranted. But to have every indication before moving in with your boyfriend that he was cheap and stingy and selfish and shady, and then have “mental breakdowns” because he’s *shock* acting cheap and stingy and selfish and shady is… well, yeah, it’s overreaction.
Obviously, you need to MOA. Go back home. Get away from this loser. And do some self-work to figure out why you are so desperate for a relationship or tiny crumbs of love that you’d not only settle for, but actively chase, a guy who has never made you a priority (never mind that he doesn’t shower or brush his teeth regularly and doesn’t care about your needs in bed, gross). You’re better than all that. You deserve more. Leave this guy, go home, get some therapy, or at the very least focus on yourself — be the partner you want. Take yourself on dates. Buy yourself flowers. Train yourself how to receive the love you want from a partner and don’t ever again settle for less than what you are able to give and what you desire in return. Life is too short to waste it on losers who don’t even come close to meeting our needs. And it’s certainly too short to try to turn someone into who we want — especially when they’ve given every indication of being the opposite.
Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
RedRoverRedRover December 7, 2015, 9:42 am
“He does nice things like share holiday bubbly he buys or specialty chocolates. He also has seen me cry a lot over everything and still loves me. And he didn’t stop loving me when I raised these concerns.”
It sounds like these are the main reasons you’re willing to stay with this guy. If so, then that’s pretty concerning. These are literally the bare minimum that someone who cares about you at all should do. If it was just this, with none of the negatives that you’ve talked about, then yeah, maybe it would be worth sticking around and seeing how it works out. But the negatives are piling up, and they’re serious. If you stay with this guy nothing’s going to change. It seems like he lied to you about the money situation, pressured you to come move in with him, and is now using you to dig him out of his hole. That’s not your responsibility. Go back home and leave him to fix his own problems. He’s dumping them all on you, and giving very little, the absolute bare minimum, in return. You could easily find a guy who does everything in that paragraph I copy/pasted, and ALSO is not using you for money. Go find that guy.
mrmidtwenties December 7, 2015, 9:52 am
I’ll bet that she cries a lot less over “nothing” if she dumps this moron.
RedRoverRedRover December 7, 2015, 10:06 am
Exactly. Also WHY is he buying holiday bubbly and specialty chocolates if he can’t afford rent??? If the LW wants a lifetime of managing the money while he spends as he likes, then she should certainly go ahead and stay with him. My mom lived that life; it’s not a good one.
becboo84 December 7, 2015, 10:17 am
Yes to this!!!
Dear Wendy December 7, 2015, 9:56 am
ALSO! This should go without saying, obviously, but just in case it needs to be said: USE PROTECTION, DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN!!!
Lianne December 7, 2015, 10:01 am
For the love of everything YES to this.
Juliecatharine December 7, 2015, 10:05 am
Omfg I glossed over that part. NO MORE SEX with dirty selfish losers who don’t want to wear a condom. And please do not pollute the gene pool with this ‘man’s’ dna.
Vathena December 7, 2015, 12:19 pm
1000X YES TO THIS!!!! DO NOT HAVE A BABY!!!!!!!
Lianne December 7, 2015, 10:01 am
Wendy nailed it. This is on you…you mention nothing worth staying for – in fact, you mention a lot of individual things that would be cause for M’ing OA! All of them together is a major disaster that you’ve allowed to happen. Take some responsibility. And never count on someone else paying for your basic needs again. When someone makes an offer like that, remind yourself that it seems to good to be true, because you’ve just learned that it is.
Juliecatharine December 7, 2015, 10:02 am
Step 2-Therapy, therapy, therapy (step 2 can take awhile)
Step 3-Come back to DW, read your old letter with a new perspective and marvel at how far you’ve come!
PumkinSpice December 7, 2015, 10:05 am
Holy cow! Listen to Wendy and RedRover this is ridiculous. Anyone with half a brain can see what a horrible, terrible relationship this is. Go home and dump this loser. And that’s what he is A LOSER! Have some respect for yourself lady, get a grip and put on your big girl panties and leave ASAP. pack your stuff when he is at work if you have to, get in your car and move home. Next time, you need to have serious discussions with someone before moving in to together. Use this as a life lesson. He doesn’t love you. He loves the idea of getting his hands on your money and a free ride for the rest of his days.
Anonymous December 8, 2015, 11:14 am
You forgot to tell her to get a NEW phone number. You don’t want to have him pestering you, making you more miserable than you already feel about leaving. Also, shut down your e-mail and open a new account that he does not have any access to–that way you are not tempted to react to his begging you to come back–because he is going to do that–I GUARANTEE IT!!!
TheRascal December 7, 2015, 10:12 am
I agree with WEES. Plus…did you really believe that you would not have to pay rent and utilities? Do you think living is free?? It seems like you were both hoping to take advantage of each other — you, willfully believing his “fairytale” of not paying rent and utilities, and him, then springing the payments on you after your move.
Diablo December 7, 2015, 10:16 am
Now, in all fairness, there is nothing whatsoever wrong with an arrangement in which each partner pays half the bills, and I don’t think anyone should be allowed to go through life thinking that they don’t need to cover their end. To me, it sounds a bit like the LW put up with all the issues because she was being offered a bit of a free ride. Naturally, no one would want to pay their way in a totally 50/50 financial arrangement with some loser, but we all choose who we choose and that doesn’t excuse not carrying your weight. In general, the rule should be that if you are not economically ready to live on your own, you should not consider moving in with someone. Not least because whattaya gonna do if it doesn’t work out, and many relationships don’t work out. I’m not defending the guy in this story, but the LW accepted him for who he was when she thought her rent was covered, so why should the other issues with him suddenly be on the table now that we are discussing the financial deal between them?
PumkinSpice December 7, 2015, 10:39 am
I agree with you. People need to pay their fair share of the bills. But I think the biggest issue is he didn’t even give her a chance to really even get a paycheck yet. And he is hounding her for money. She seems to have blown threw a lot of saved up money to make this guy happy and he isn’t even giving her the bare minimum of true affection or even caring about her at all. She totally went into this with her eyes closed, and she should be accountable for that. But he is also using her to pay for everything. She will be the one who takes care of everything herself if she stays, while he does what he wants with his money.
RedRoverRedRover December 7, 2015, 11:09 am
Also, they did have an agreement as to what each would pay (whether we here at DW think it was fair or not), and as soon as she moved in he changed the agreement. Not good, at all.
Diablo December 7, 2015, 11:12 am
Yeah, I’m totally not defending the guy. But she’s gotta be sufficiently self-aware and savvy not to put herself in this situation, which presented itself to her as a red-flag themed sparkle cake with warning-flavoured icing and red flag sprinkles. My POV from where she stands now: get the hell outta Dodge. You gotta know when ta fold ’em. Wake up and smell the coffee. Take the bull by the horns of a dilemma. And any other cliches i can think up.
RedRoverRedRover December 7, 2015, 11:22 am
Agree 100%. If it’s too good to be true, it probably is. She should have recognized that and not moved, but now that she has, she should leave! And learn from this for next time.
PumkinSpice December 7, 2015, 10:34 am
I just want to add, maybe all the bad stuff that happened when you first moved there is the universe telling you to MOA and go home.
Muffy December 7, 2015, 10:44 am
It’s not just the guy who’s a loser either here. You very much have a victim mentality. Your car breaks down on the way to work so you quit your job. He wants to try a new protection that you don’t know about so you do. You are just as much a part of your own problems as he is. You let shitty situations happen to you and instead of dealing with them effectively you just think oh well tough luck hair happens to me. Get your shit together!
Muffy December 7, 2015, 10:46 am
By hair I meant shit happens to me. But seriously LW you have control so start exercising it and stop letting other people or situations dictate your life.i can guarantee you that you will lead a miserable life it you continue on with your mind set and don’t own up to your own responsibility .
Dear Wendy December 7, 2015, 11:01 am
Yeah, I just don’t understand why someone would quit a well-paying job on the second day because her car broke down? Did the new employers express disappointment that she was late/couldn’t get in? So what! Apologize and move on. And then missing a whole week of work because of an injury on the job? Most temp jobs for women tend to be of the admin variety (versus, say, heavy manual labor). What kind of injury in a (likely) admin type of temp job puts you out of commission for a whole week?
Dear Wendy December 7, 2015, 11:03 am
So may bad decisions — one after another after another. And for what? For a man who doesn’t brush his teeth and can’t be bothered to shower and doesn’t do foreplay and only sometimes pays his half of a date (but never treats)? To be charmed by someone who buys you a phone charger and shares some of the bottle of wine he bought himself speaks volumes of the self-esteem and self-worth issues at play here. Please, LW, get yourself to therapy or you will be destined to repeat these terrible decisions if not with this loser, then with another one.
Skyblossom December 7, 2015, 11:16 am
Around here temp jobs also include factory jobs and cleaning jobs. You could also end up with home health aid types of jobs where you are giving someone a bath and helping them dress.
RedRoverRedRover December 7, 2015, 11:11 am
She said she lost her job/resigned. I didn’t really understand what that meant, but I assumed they said they were gonna fire her but gave her the chance to resign instead. Maybe I’m wrong though. It’s a weird way to word it though if it really was a pure resignation. You don’t describe it as “I lost my job” when you actually quit your job, generally.
Dear Wendy December 7, 2015, 11:36 am
Yeah, but she says about quitting the job: “which he encouraged me to do, ensuring me again that we’d be okay.” That doesn’t sound like she was fired. It sounds to me like they were hard on her and so she quit and then told herself that they (and the boyfriend) pushed her to do it.
RedRoverRedRover December 7, 2015, 11:43 am
Yeah, that’s true. She said earlier that it was a “great job”, so I guess I didn’t think someone would actually quit their great job just because their car broke down. But you’re right, now that I reread it, it kinda sounds like she did, and is trying not to take responsibility for it (hence the weird wording, as if losing it was out of her control).
LisforLeslie December 7, 2015, 11:46 am
It could have been a job in which having a car is a requirement, Delivery, sales, customer relationship mgt, all have some elements of needing your own transportation. So I can understand the need to resign because you can’t fulfill the job requirements. That said –
MOA. The guy needs to be reminded to brush his own teeth? What the hell? You ignored all of the red flags – the biggest one of which is that this guy says what he thinks you want to hear to get his own way and then turns around and says something completely different. He’s gaslighting you.
Oh and get an IUD. Unlikely to trigger allergies and you do not want this douchebag’s babies. This guy would wonder why you couldn’t return to work right after expelling a human being.
Anna December 7, 2015, 5:10 pm
I’ll just say what everyone else here is too nice to say. Maybe they’re both just losers. The quitting her job the 2nd day is just ABSURD. Grown ass women don’t do shit like that. You handle it. LW, I know I sound harsh, but you’re at a crossroads right now. Decided if you want to be a loser or a winner. Winner’s dump loser boyfriends, power through tough days at work, and take responsibility with their birth control choices. You can do it, decided now to be different.
Suzyinthesky December 7, 2015, 11:31 am
Ermagerd! That’s about all I can think after reading this.
Kelly L. December 7, 2015, 11:49 am
The reason he wanted you to move in right away was because he needed someone to help with the bills. BTDT. MOA.
ktfran December 7, 2015, 11:58 am
I was actually thinking this too.
Kelly L. December 7, 2015, 12:21 pm
Yeah, the whole “Oh, my love, my dearest one, we must move in together OMGRIGHTNOW I cannot bear to be parted from you, btw I lost my roommate and I’m late on the rent BUT that has nothing to do with our grand passion, my beloved!” thing.
Raccoon eyes December 7, 2015, 2:38 pm
Whoa, easy on the internets slang there. 😉 Seriously, I had to look up what “BTDT” meant.
But yeah, LW, if a guy sees you cry and stays…that is a good thing, to a point. If a guy stays after bringing up totally legitimate concerns and things bothering you, that is a good thing too, to a point. BUT, these are NOT reasons to stay, when he acts the way this guy has. Dangling marriage in front of you and then saying a kid is more of a commitment? Ugh, the douche-i-tude. Being over the age of like, six, and not regularly brushing? Holy Mother of All That Is Good, this is disgusting. Along with everything else, really. You deserve soo sooo soo soooooooooo much better. Please get thee to therapy. Raise the bar way higher, girl. Your expectations are SCARILY low.
Texas T December 7, 2015, 12:27 pm
Honestly, it sounds like you BOTH make A LOT of bad decisions. Therefore, you should MOA, go back home and do some growing up. Blunt and to the point… just like your break up should be. Good luck!
Sue Jones December 7, 2015, 1:49 pm
He pulled a bait and switch. He promised all sorts of things to get you to move out there but he was full of shit and manipulation. Go back home. Nothing to see here!
Jane December 7, 2015, 3:19 pm
Everyone has done a great job of addressing the long list of serious issues here, but I feel compelled to speak on one item in particular.
Assuming someone is in a part of the world where being able to brush one’s teeth routinely is an option, I am at a complete loss as to why anyone would ever continue dating someone who couldn’t manage this easiest of hygienic tasks.
Going on more than one date with a person who has halitosis in order to determine if it was a fluke is one thing (and I have to assume that an absence of teeth brushing would lead to halitosis). Becoming exclusive and intimate with someone who has chronic halitosis, or with a grown person who has to be told like a small child to brush their teeth, is entirely beyond my comprehension.
Now don’t get me wrong; I’ve ignored red flags the size of football fields on multiple occasions. But unless there’s some creative scenario I’m neglecting to imagine, the halitosis/teeth brushing negligence on his part must have been one of the first things you learned about him, which means you probably weren’t in love with yet.
The reason I’m delving into this (aside from revulsion at the thought of making out with such a dude) is that it demonstrates the level of nonsense you would tolerate before you even had feelings for him.
A normal response to that situation (at least for me anyway) would be a refusal to date him beyond two dates max with a recommendation for him to call me back when he becomes an adult who can do adult things like have basic hygiene, or maybe never. Probably never.
This indicates to me what you feel you deserve. You must have thought you couldn’t do better than a grown ass man who can’t adult properly. I can assure you that at the very least, you should demand basic hygeine and that you deserve it!
You also deserve someone who isn’t selfish in bed, can manage money, is forthcoming about money issues, and generally makes you happy. You need to get to a place where you believe this.
Jane December 7, 2015, 3:24 pm
And when I say chronic halitosis, I am not referring to a medical condition that is being addressed; I am specifically referring to halitosis caused by negligence. I will admit that I probably wouldn’t think about the former being a possibility when going on a date or two with someone, and I definitely wouldn’t ask them about it. So maybe that’s not entirely fair but it is what it is.
Miss MJ December 7, 2015, 3:35 pm
I mean, what is appealing about this guy? He stinks. He’s bad at sex. He’s broke. He’s a liar. And, he’s a jerk to you. Oh, yeah, and he doesn’t use condoms. There is literally nothing good here.
Monkeys mommy December 7, 2015, 6:14 pm
OP, usually when one moves in with someone, they bother to fine tune these details; you did not. Regardless of what you say, you didn’t. You didn’t sit and go over finances and expectations. You heard what you wanted to, and jumped on it. Now you are paying the price for ignorance.
The good news? You aren’t married to this loser. You haven’t procreated (yet). You are free to GTFO!! Do it now. You don’t need this man; he is using you to fund his apartment and living expenses. Move out, go home, whatever it takes. And dump his ass. He isn’t going to change. And whatever you do- keep using contraceptives!! Do NOT have a baby and cause another life to suffer.
Dear Wendy December 7, 2015, 7:34 pm
From the LW:
Anonymous December 7, 2015, 8:08 pm
“being harsh ( you don’t have to sugar coat but don’t blame either) is not always what is going to snap someone out of their bad choices.”
But sometimes it does. And some stranger on the internet has no idea what’s going to work for someone. Honestly, I thought Wendy was being pretty nice with her response. Granted, I read this right after reading that millennial article in the Friday links, so I had that “spoiled entitled victim” crap fresh in my mind.
Skyblossom December 8, 2015, 8:28 am
The mistake of moving in with him was totally your poor choice. You moved in with a man that you had spent less than 2 days with in person. You moved in with a stranger. Getting to know someone over the internet or the phone isn’t the same as knowing them in person. When you aren’t around them in real life they tell you what they want you to know about them and what he wanted you to know wasn’t honest. I’m guessing you were running from a bad or miserable situation and he seemed like a great way to make a leap away from where you were. It would have been better to try it out for a weekend just to see what things were like for real and then another weekend and another weekend. You’ve learned the hard way to not trust strangers who may seem like friends. Remember that if you haven’t spent a lot of real time with them they are a stranger. Things could have been worse. You could have just disappeared. It happens.
jlyfsh December 8, 2015, 9:07 am
This really says it all. “I did make bad choices. I admit. Ignored red flags for love. But in my defense I never was around him in person long enough before moving in to notice his poor hygiene.” You do at some point have to admit that this was your fault blaming him is great, but what would learn from that? Figure out your mistakes and how not to make them again. It’s also hard to hear what you don’t want to hear, but it doesn’t make it any less true.
Dear Wendy December 8, 2015, 9:10 am
“I’m disgusted by your advice! It so totally wasn’t my fault that I didn’t know these things about my boyfriend! I didn’t know him well enough to know these things! How dare you try to blame me!”
saneinca December 7, 2015, 10:10 pm
What were you expecting LW ?
That your stupid actions will not be called out for what they are ? Someone to sympathize with your boo boos ?
You are a grown up. Just take the advice for what it is – being helpful. Now act on it, improve your situation and let us know. Then we will definitely cheer you for being proactive.
bittergaymark December 8, 2015, 1:22 am
Eh, honestly? To me she sounds like a CLASSIC unreliable narrator and her reasons for constantly being out of work seem rather dubious… I love how the guy is portrayed as being cheap when she’s the one who wanted to live, eat, and use power and water for free… WHATever. 😉
Anonymous April 2, 2018, 8:08 am
LW, He is using you. But I have some advice for you… you should not have quit the great job after your car broke down. You should have figured out another way to get there until your car was fixed (uber? bus? ride from your bf?). That was a really bad decision. Adults don’t quit great jobs so quickly. Second, it is normal to pay half the bills so expect to always carry your own weight in life. 3. This guy led you to believe falsehoods and said what you wanted to hear to get you to move in with him so he would have someone to share the bills with. Dump him. He is a mess. Move back home for now.