Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I Suspect My Boyfriend Cheated with Another Man!”

A few months ago I found out that my boyfriend possibly cheated on me…with another man. That man just happens to be one of my closest friends. I confronted them about it the day I found out and my boyfriend told me my male friend had only kissed him and that he threw up immediately afterwards. My male friend confirmed the story, so I swore my friend off and said I never wanted to see him again. I’m still dating my boyfriend.

Problem is, a few months later I confronted my friends about the story as I noticed they would glance around awkwardly when I told that version of events. After ignoring these suspicions for weeks I had to ask. My best friend (a girl) finally fessed up and told me the version she and my other friends had known for months: My boyfriend had been hitting on my male friend for a year knowing that he is gay and would constantly ask him questions about gay sex, porn, and…other items of interest (even showing up at his house unannounced at 3 A.M.). My boyfriend got our male friend drunk and finally won him over in his car where my friend proceeded to give him a blowjob!

I’ve asked our other mutual friends about this version of events and all of them back my gay male friend up! Even the bartender on duty that night says it happened that way! One or two of my friends have tried to hang out with my boyfriend but none of them trust him and one of them has become so outspoken she’s told me she’ll throw a party the day we break up! They all HATE HIM, tell me he’s worthless and that our male friend was only lying to protect me from the harsher truth of what he did. They like to remind me of the fact that he was cheating on his last girlfriend with me the first time we dated (I didn’t know he was in a relationship and when I found out, we broke up) but I really think he’s changed. I mean, I’ve been thinking I’ll marry this kid!

I asked my boyfriend about it again but he still insists that’s not what happened. I don’t know what to do…believe my friends and break up with the guy I’ve been dating for a year? Or stick by my man and let them deal with it? Nothing makes sense. Please help. — In Disbelief

Let’s look at things logically here. First, how do you explain your boyfriend’s version of the story? He says your gay friend kissed him and then he threw up later. I guess the vomiting part of the story is supposed to mean he didn’t enjoy the kiss and perhaps didn’t want it to happen in the first place. Well, if he didn’t want it to happen, how and why did it? Did your friend force himself on your boyfriend? Did you boyfriend not have the strength to push him off? If your boyfriend was actually assaulted by one of your best friends, why in the world did you hear about it from someone else? If one of my husband’s friends forced himself on me, you better believe Drew would immediately get an earful. I would make damn sure I would never again be in the presence of that particular person, and I’d make it very clear I would not be OK with Drew continuing a friendship with him. Maybe I’d even press charges. But your boyfriend did none of these things, which is highly suspicious.

Another thing that’s suspicious is that your boyfriend is the only person who seems to be telling/believing his version of the story, while ALL your other friends — and even a random bartender — are sticking to a much different version of the story. Why in the world would all those people lie? What do they have to gain from telling a made-up story? On the other hand, your boyfriend stands to lose you by telling the truth, doesn’t he?

And then, on top of it all, you know for a fact that your boyfriend has a history of cheating. You know that cheating is not out-of-character for him. And yet, you believe he’s changed? Despite evidence to the contrary, you truly believe that? Well, welcome to denial, sweetie: home of the lonely, scared and confused. If you like the way those emotions feel, then fluff up some pillows and make yourself at home. If, however, you hate the way you’ve been feeling — and you wouldn’t have written to me if you didn’t feel at least a little tormented — you need to take the first train out of there to a place called “reality.”

In reality, your boyfriend is scum. Your gay friend isn’t much better, to be honest, and you’d be wise to stay clear of them both. You were betrayed by both of these men and it’s a shame that you’ve decided to ban your friend from your life while keeping the loser boyfriend around to hurt you again and again. Listen to you friends — they’re the ones who are looking out for you here — and MOA. Nothing good can come from staying with a man who lies, cheats, and puts your health in jeopardy. Investing a year in a relationship is no reason to stay in it when there are so many red flags waving in your face. Get out now before you’ve invested much more of your time and emotion in a relationship that has no happy future.

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

120 comments… add one
  • jena September 12, 2011, 3:07 pm

    What I get from “I threw up immediately afterward” is the same vibe I get from people who say “faggot” constantly — homophobia because they are actually gay. It’s a sucky situation, but I’d say move on. Even if your bf isn’t “fully gay” or whatever, he’s lied to you about what happened… and your gay friend is kind of a jerk too, so I’d ditch that as well. 🙁

    Reply Link
  • ForeverYoung September 12, 2011, 3:13 pm

    Oh man I really hope bittergaymark chimes in on this one…

    Reply Link
    • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 4:00 pm

      I think a lot of regular DW readers would know that I disagree with most of his posts. In the recent past, I got annoyed it seemed to me (emphasis on ‘seemed to me’) he just assumes everyone with the slightest gay vibe is, in fact, a closeted gay and when he sorta said he doesn’t believe real, full-on lesbians exist. However, I’d have to say myself that LW, your boyfriend more likely than not is gay!

      Reply Link
    • ForeverYoung September 12, 2011, 6:35 pm

      Another thing – I don’t think anyone has brought it up yet – i’m assuming to avoid opening up this can of worms – but it seems like your boyfriend has some issues to deal with with his sexuality. I’m not even going to pretend like there’s a chance he didn’t cheat on you with a guy because that’s pretty clear – but that means something different to me than it would be with a woman.

      He is in denial and confused. He needs to sort through it. Infidelity is bad enough on it’s own. I’m hoping y’all are pretty young and he just hasn’t had a chance to figure out who he is yet. But he needs to spend some time figuring that out.

      I’m not in the camp that thinks guys can’t be bi-sexual, I think they can. But either way he doesn’t even know what he is. He needs to figure that out. This is just bizarre. It would be one thing if he knew he was bi and you knew he was bi – and he cheated on you with a guy – then it would be exactly like cheating on you with a woman and I would advise you in either scenario to leave him. But the fact that he has an identity crisis going on here on top of everything else should really put the nail in the coffin for you.

      Reply Link
      • Chilosa161 September 12, 2011, 10:15 pm

        I guess I don’t understand why being a confused place personally should automatically be the nail in the coffin. The LW should get out of this relationship, but she shouldn’t assume that his “identity crisis” is the only reason to do so.

        Let’s start with dishonesty, infidelity, and the reasons why her friends don’t like him.

      • ForeverYoung September 12, 2011, 11:05 pm

        It’s not the only reason. It’s the final reason that this can’t be salvaged. For all we know he could spend some time working on himself and decide he is actually gay, and not just bi.

      • ForeverYoung September 12, 2011, 11:09 pm

        It’s not the only reason. It’s the final reason. He could very well do some self exploration and find out he’s gay, not just bi.

  • justpeachy September 12, 2011, 3:14 pm

    Why did you get back together with him in the first place when you found out that he’d been cheating with you? I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but if you want to save yourself the risk of future heartbreak, repeat after me:

    – Once a cheater, always a cheater
    – He will never leave his wife/girlfriend for you
    – If you feel like someone is lying, they are probably lying

    Seriously, if we all followed these rules at the beginnings of relationships, rather than becoming big, tangled messes, the amount of letters to DW would probably reduce 75%.

    Reply Link
    • Susan September 12, 2011, 5:48 pm

      Once a cheater is not always a cheater, and I am tired of people saying that. People can and do change. Nothing in life is a absolute.

      I agree though if he was cheating on his girlfriend with her, that is a huge red flag and I would have moved on immediately.

      Reply Link
      • Tudor Princess September 13, 2011, 10:59 am

        THANK YOU! I’ve cheated in the past, but I will never do it again. I realized my problems, and the reasons why I did what I did, and I changed so that I would never do it again. We are capable of change, but it takes the desire to change to make it happen.

      • lets_be_honest September 13, 2011, 11:17 am

        Sure, nothing in life is absolute, but I would tend to think more often than not, the ‘once a cheater…’ holds true. For me, I don’t know how I could ever think it wouldn’t happen to me if my boyfriend cheated with me.

    • Chilosa161 September 12, 2011, 10:29 pm

      Did you even read the letter? How do these “rules” even relate?

      Reply Link
  • amber September 12, 2011, 3:19 pm

    I’m with Wendy if none of your friends had the same story and the random bartender didn’t agree with their version I’d say maybe your bf wasn’t completely lying. But, it seems to me like he’s lying big time. It’s sad that he thought so little of you that he’d ruin one of your friendships to experiment with another guy. And sad that your friend didn’t feel that he could be honest with you. As much as it hurts right now if you don’t MOA it’s only going to hurt worse if you stay and your bf cheats or lies again.

    Reply Link
    • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 3:26 pm

      Good point about it being sad he’d decide to finally experiment with HER friend. All of it is sad, actually.

      Reply Link
    • sohara September 12, 2011, 5:28 pm

      Being a devil’s advocate-y kind of person, it did occur to me that “everyone” might have believed the friend’s version because they know (and like) him, and he might have done a good job “selling” the story. The bf did not, since he has no reason to want any version of the story to get around. That said, I still think the bf sounds like scum and should be dumped. I would have dumped him just for saying that he threw up after he was kissed. Come on, who would really do that?

      Reply Link
      • 6napkinburger September 14, 2011, 11:57 am

        Exactly, no one “throws up” from kissing someone. “is uncomfortable” “didn’t enjoy it” “felt weird” are all fair descriptions of a surprise kiss from a member of the opposite sex than you are attracted to, “grossed out” is fair, “was really pissed off and felt incredibly humiliated” is even an honest (if not enlightened) reaction. But literally “threw up”? Unless they had just drank a bottle of tequila and eaten a vat of roadkill, no one throws up from a kiss.

  • bagge72 September 12, 2011, 3:26 pm

    Well first off, this is actually the second time that your boyfriend has lied to you, and cheated on you. The first was when he was dating you, and his ex, at the same time, but did not tell you about her. So I don’t know why you would want to stay with a guy, that has cheated on you twice, and lied to your face about it twice, because it is going to happen a lot more. If I were you, I would cut your losses from your lieing, cheating boyfriend that no one feels comfortable around, and find somebody who loves you, and treats you like a human being, because it seems like the guy your with now does neither.

    Also I personally don’t know any guys straight or gay who would instantly throw up, just because somebody of the same sex tried to kiss him. He is clearly covering up for something.

    Reply Link
    • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 3:28 pm

      “Also I personally don’t know any guys straight or gay who would instantly throw up, just because somebody of the same sex tried to kiss him. He is clearly covering up for something.”

      True, that’s overkill.

      Reply Link
      • soandso September 12, 2011, 5:59 pm

        Amen to that. Sounds like a movie.

      • Starfish13 September 20, 2011, 10:51 am

        A Lifetime movie 🙂

  • lk September 12, 2011, 3:28 pm

    On the up-side: “she’s told me she’ll throw a party the day we break up!”

    Reply Link
  • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 3:29 pm

    I think a lot of people could use Wendy’s advice…”Well, welcome to denial, sweetie: home of the lonely, scared and confused. If you like the way those emotions feel, then fluff up some pillows and make yourself at home. If, however, you hate the way you’ve been feeling — and you wouldn’t have written to me if you didn’t feel at least a little tormented — you need to take the first train out of there to a place called “reality.”
    Too long for a bumper sticker I suppose.

    Reply Link
    • honeybeenicki September 12, 2011, 3:46 pm

      It would have to be a full length bumper sticker… but I would get one.

      Reply Link
      • Tracey September 12, 2011, 4:05 pm

        I’d settle for a really cool t-shirt.

  • Slamy September 12, 2011, 3:31 pm

    MOA! And be thankful that your friends had the guts to tell you what actually happened, even if they didn’t tell you right away. There are girls who have friends that *don’t* tell them about their boyfriend’s indiscretions, and they get to stay “blissfully unaware” that they are being made a fool of. You guys have only been dating for a year, which is a small drop of water in the ocean of life. Sorry, I know that was lame. MOA!

    Reply Link
  • Sarah September 12, 2011, 3:37 pm

    “What? Kissed a ….man? No! I would never! I mean, I did, but nothing else! AND I threw up after because I’m THAT straight! And then after that I went to go play some late night football and drink some Bud! But not touch football! I would never touch a man! Flags only! And then I uh…..picked up a whore. A female whore!”

    1. Your boyfriend cheated on you with your male friend (You have witnesses, one or more completely unbiased, and their only intention is to keep you from harm. Why wouldn’t you believe them again?)

    2. Your boyfriend is BEGGING to get caught (why else would make out with your best friend in a crowd full of people who can corroborate the story?)

    3. Your boyfriend uses cheating to get out of relationships (obvious pattern).

    4. Remove this man from your life (and your male friend who participated in the cheating).

    Reply Link
    • McLovin September 12, 2011, 3:54 pm

      This is pure genious! Well done Sarah. I”m ready to hand you a microphone and put a camera on you.

      “And who else has a question for Sarah?” ……….complete silence from the studio audience for what seems like an eternity.

      Reply Link
      • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 4:05 pm

        Yea…if only there was a REALLY, REALLY like button too!

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 4:13 pm

        Whenever I read ( or write ) the word “Really” I always hear it in my head in the voice of Seth Meyers.

      • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 4:14 pm

        Ha! Remember the old flight attendant skit on SNL? (is that aging me?)

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 4:20 pm

        Hahah which one the “buh” or the “bye” ???

      • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 4:24 pm

        YES!!! Love it.

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 4:35 pm

        Trying to find the clip now 🙂

      • LuluBelle September 12, 2011, 4:24 pm


      • Tracey September 12, 2011, 4:06 pm

        Or an applause button….

  • Mainer September 12, 2011, 3:41 pm

    Anyone else find it weird the bartender knew about the blow job?

    But really, unless any of them were actually present for the blow job, it turns into who’s story your *friends* believed – your gay friend’s or your boyfriend’s. If your friend’s hate your boyfriend as much as they say, I can see why they’d believe gay dude. But have all your friends really been hanging out with your boyfriend and the gay dude to witness all this “gay interest?” Or are they just basing it off what they heard? If they all were there together, where were you during all of this? If not, how could you hang out with them so much and never pick up on your boyfriend having conversations about anal penetration?

    If you truly were not present for a lot of the times your boyfriend, gay dude, and all your friends were hanging out, then yes – there may be some accuracy to it. If you were all together quite a bit, then don’t you think you would have picked up on it? I’m not saying one is right or one is wrong. The puke story, however, is 100% wrong. No one pukes from another man TRYING to kiss them unless that kiss in the form of CPR and your “puke” is all the water from your lungs. Or, you were already in the process of puking when he leaned in for his move. Either way, that story is the douchiest attempt to try and save heterosexual face that ever existed.

    Anyway, I don’t have much advice. Just thought I’d float more ambiguity your way. If you really want to get all Sherlock Holmes (Tracey credit), then ask your friends when some of this stuff happened, find out your boyfriend’s response, and see if he can explain any of it. Dig a little deeper into this behavior and look for anything other than a he-said-she-said account. But at the end of they day, who do you trust more? Your friends or your boyfriend?

    Reply Link
    • Morgan September 12, 2011, 3:48 pm

      See I read that the bartender backed up the gay male friend’s story, which is the same as the boyfriend’s story. So the vomit-kiss, not the blowjob. Anyone else?

      Also, yes to everything you said.

      Reply Link
      • amber September 12, 2011, 3:51 pm

        I read that part as the bartender backed the gay friend up on the bf getting him drunk and winning him over. Not necessarily that he knew about the kissing or blow job.

      • Mainer September 12, 2011, 3:55 pm

        Yeah, I donno – that letter was confusing. Did the gay dude confess to the BJ after her girlfriend told her the “real” story, or was he sticking to his throw up story? If he stuck to the kissing story and the bartender backs it, and her “other mutual friends” back it, then the BJ story may be made up. But if the gay dude confirmed the blowie, and THEN the bartender and mutual friends backed THAT story, then everyone is agreement the boyfriend is gayer than Elton John. I had a hard time following the line of events.

      • Morgan September 12, 2011, 4:02 pm

        Exactly. I very tentatively think:

        The gay friend is the one who confirmed the boyfriends story about the kiss and the vomit, which is why LW then cut the gay friend out of her life. So far as we know, gay friend and boyfriend have stuck to their version of events.

        It’s the best girlfriend’s story that has the boyfriend getting drunk and winning over the gay friend. I mean, presumably the gay friend told this story to the girl friend, because how else would she know. But I *think* the LW would call this the girl friend’s story, because the girlfriend is who told her about it.

        Oy vey.

      • Morgan September 12, 2011, 4:03 pm

        But if it is the case that gay friend has since copped to best friends version of events, yes, Elton John indeed.

      • Landygirl September 12, 2011, 5:32 pm

        “They all HATE HIM, tell me he’s worthless and that our male friend was only lying to protect me from the harsher truth of what he did.”

        I read it as the gay friend lied so the boyfriend wouldn’t look as bad as he should have. Why, I don’t know. I wouldn’t even be surprised if the friend and the bf were still seeing each other.

      • Budjer September 12, 2011, 4:40 pm

        And I read it that the gay friend said it was a kiss at first, but then confessed to the blow job after the girl friends came out with their story.

    • honeybeenicki September 12, 2011, 3:48 pm

      In my experience, bartenders learn a lot of things in their line of work. Since it apparently happened in the car, that is a bit odd, but overall I wouldn’t be able to handle knowing half the things that go on in a bar that the bartender knows about.

      Reply Link
    • letiti September 12, 2011, 5:01 pm

      I’m not sure about this whole bartender thing, sounds fishy. I bet it turns out he’s the one who gave the boyfriend the back of the car beej.

      Reply Link
    • Budjer September 12, 2011, 4:30 pm

      My bold assumption is that the bartender was witnessing the pre-blowie mating ritual at the bar while the bf was feeding the gay friend drinks which is how he was able to confirm.

      Reply Link
    • MsMisery September 13, 2011, 10:09 am

      @Mainer- I just assume bartenders know everything.

      Reply Link
  • Morgan September 12, 2011, 3:44 pm

    LW, question. I’m reading the middle paragraph a little differently from Wendy. Or actually, I’m reading it two ways, because its a little confusing, but the interpretation I settled on was different than the way Wendy answered it. My answer depends on which scenario you were trying to convey, but I’m going to try and address both.

    Scenario 1: Your boyfriend and gay friend tell you this story of gay friend getting drunk and kissing your friend. Your boyfriend vommited afterwards. Your bffs tell you this isn’t really what happened, and that your boyfriend cheated on you with gay male friend. But everyone else– other mutual friends and even the bartender– all back up gay male friend and boyfriend’s story of your gay male friend being way too drunk and making a move that was rejected. So its only your bffs who already hate this boyfriend who are saying he cheated on you with gay male friend. This is how I’m reading the letter

    Scenario 2: Your boyfriend and gay friend tell you this story of gay friend getting drunk and kissing your boyfriend. Your boyfriend vommited afterwards. Your bffs tell you this isn’t really what happened, and that your boyfriend cheated on you with gay male friend. And there was a whole year of build up, which they know all about presumably because your gay best friend told them all about it and none of them told you about it? All your other mutual friends and the bartender from the night agree with your bffs version of events. This is how Wendy read the letter. This scenario is automatic MOA.

    If it is scenario 1, and its only your 3 best girls who already hate the guy for how he lied to you about being in relationship and making you the other woman, then its less of an auto MOA. The inclusion of the vomit detail is weird, so I’m not sure what to do with it. But otherwise, scenario 1 sounds like your friends trying to end this relationship anyway they can. They think your boyfriend is literally the worst, and they will do anything to get you to dump him. And hell, maybe things actually happened the way gay best friend and boyfriend say, but the reason gay best friend went for it is because your boyfriend has been setting off everyone’s gaydar. Who knows. The vomit detail is weird. A gay acquaintance tried to kiss a straight mutual friend once. Straight friend punched him in the stomach. I believe they laughed it off when sober, though straight friend is still reluctant to be around gay friend when gay friend is drunk. But being so physically repulsed by a man being attracted to you that you would vomit? Unless the vomit is actually irrelevant: boyfriend did vomit afterwards, but only because they were both that hammered, but now he’s trying to use the vomit as proof he didn’t like the kiss. That strikes me as trying too hard to convince somebody, but whatever.

    Scenario 2, your boyfriend is probably gay and everyone in your life has been hiding it from you from at least a couple of months but really like the past year.

    So, maybe you need to MOA from the boyfriend. Either scenario it seems to me you may want to reconsider some of your friendships.

    Reply Link
    • Morgan September 12, 2011, 3:54 pm

      *”Gay friend getting drunk and kiss your BOYfriend” in scenario one.

      Geez, no wonder I can’t keep straight who knew what about which person when.

      Reply Link
    • emjay September 12, 2011, 4:28 pm

      Ya, I was not sure which version she was describing when she talked to the bartender…so I am pretty confused on this one….. I don’t even know how I would answer….

      Reply Link
  • Amanda September 12, 2011, 3:44 pm

    MOA^100000000000 power. LW, please RUN from this man.

    Reply Link
  • PondLily September 12, 2011, 3:51 pm

    If you think something is amiss, it is. It doesn’t matter if he is straight, gay, bi, curious, if he’s pulling shit like this, he’s not worth your time. It doesn’t even matter that you were thinking you might marry him. He’s not the guy for you. Sounds like he needs a hell of a lot of time to figure out what he wants (or maybe just come to terms with it), and you don’t want to be his beard in the meantime. Listen to your friends, because they have no reason to make up a crazy story to you unless it’s actually some version of the truth. And I wholeheartedly second (or third) the suggestion to NEVER be the girl someone else’s boyfriend is cheating on them with…and then be naive enough to consider getting into a relationship with them.

    Reply Link
  • Tracey September 12, 2011, 3:16 pm

    The answer to your question lies in the fact you’ve turned into Sherlock Holmes to check out a gut instinct – asking friends, your boyfriend (several times), even the local bartender. That you’ve done this much sleuthing around says there’s a major breach in trust in your relationship.

    Here’s the one question only you can answer: Do you really want to stay in a relationship with someone you don’t really trust? With someone who has a history of cheating and now has you very suspicious about his fidelity to you? Gender or sexual orientation in this case is irrelevant…the loss of trust is the more important issue. If there’s no trust, is there truly a relationship worth salvaging?

    The answer seems elementary to me. MOA.

    Reply Link
    • TaraMonster September 12, 2011, 3:32 pm

      I loved your detective metaphors!

      Reply Link
      • Tracey September 12, 2011, 4:03 pm

        Thanks. All I could picture was a giant magnifying glass and a rumpled raincoat as I read all the questioning LW did.

    • Addie Pray September 12, 2011, 4:59 pm

      Nicely sad, Tracey.

      Reply Link
      • Addie Pray September 12, 2011, 4:59 pm

        *said, d’oh!

  • Budjer September 12, 2011, 3:19 pm

    Good advice, Wendy.

    LW…. Look at yourself in the mirror….say….”I’m no longer in denial” and then re-read the letter you submitted….cue /facepalm. I know it sucks…but brace yourself for singledom for a while. I want to touch on something you said in your letter as well… about how he cheated with you on his ex…don’t EVER do that. That situation is bad for you, bad for the other girl, and also a huge red flag for the type of person this guy is. This is a mantra I stand by: If they’d do it her/him then they’d do it to you.

    Also, your friends are trying to skew the story a little bit to make your gay friend seem like the victim. He is also to blame for this…if he was a good friend he would have told you a year ago your bf was making passes at him….and if he did and you ignored it then remind yourself how tunnel-visioned you get in your next relationship.

    Reply Link
    • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 3:27 pm

      ….”and if he did and you ignored it then remind yourself how tunnel-visioned you get in your next relationship” …


      Sometimes I wish it would be required to have the person’s age when they write in. I might be more/less harsh in my commentary.

      LW: Really ? M.O.A. take it from us, your online friends, your boyfriend is definitely lying to you.

      PS I’ve been out of the loop for a few days, no more “Dislike” option ?

      Reply Link
      • Budjer September 12, 2011, 3:30 pm

        You missed some stuff that probably shouldn’t be re-hashed.

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 3:33 pm

        Budj, that’s like saying ” Oh I have something to tell you but I really shouldn’t ”
        makes me 1000 times more curious.

        Too bad there are no PM’s here ( hint, hint Wendy)

      • ForeverYoung September 12, 2011, 3:54 pm

        I really want like an “editor’s note” or something. I kind of figured it out but I have no idea what actually happened or who exactly is banned! I think it’s good overall, but i’m like a curious kitten over here about what crossed the line.

      • Bethany September 12, 2011, 4:22 pm

        Me too!!!

      • emjay September 12, 2011, 5:25 pm

        If you go to the end of the comments in the anger-management letter from last week, Wendy explains why she did what she did.

      • Budjer September 12, 2011, 4:35 pm

        If PM’s become a reality I would request a block feature because that is just a behind the scenes way for people to be nasty if they want to be…but otherwise an excellent addition.

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 4:37 pm

        I’ve never gotten a nasty PM on any site 😉

      • Budjer September 12, 2011, 4:47 pm

        Sometimes…you just don’t want to….haha…

      • Slamy September 12, 2011, 3:35 pm

        Now I’m curious. I don’t really get on the internet on weekends, so I missed it as well.

      • TaraMonster September 12, 2011, 3:38 pm

        Same here. I was out of the loop for a few days, then I went on the gratitude post yesterday and there was some big to-do about Wendy getting rid of the like/dislike feature to minimize the negativity. Idk what happened, but I think Wendy is spot on with this one. The like feature is good enough for me. 🙂

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 3:48 pm

        Gratitude post here is come !

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 3:48 pm


      • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 3:56 pm

        Now imagine how many thumbs down you would’ve gotten for putting “is” instead of “I”…haha, I had to 🙂

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 4:03 pm

        hahah I’m sure !! 😀

      • TaraMonster September 12, 2011, 4:01 pm

        The negativity went down on “Does My Boyfriend Have Anger Management Problems” I think. Big swathes of the thread are deleted.

      • va-in-ny September 12, 2011, 4:17 pm

        Oh, I thought it was the 9/11 thing..

      • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 4:23 pm

        You know, I wondered myself if that played even a minor role in it.

      • Budjer September 12, 2011, 3:41 pm

        I agree. I like it too. I think the purple thumbs increased the chances of a negative comment on a thread which then spurs more negative comments.

      • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 4:26 pm

        I’m really happy the thumbs down were removed. Its much more pleasant on here today. Wonder if everyone agrees…am I think only one who just got a little “chat” option on the bottom right of my screen??

      • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 4:28 pm

        Its gone now.

      • Wendy September 12, 2011, 4:39 pm

        I was playing around with a chat plug-in. I’m also working on a PM plug-in. Can’t promise anything, and I’m a bit swamped at the moment, but when I have a chance I’ll see if I can create a way that everyone can communicate with each other a little more easily if they’d like.

      • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 4:43 pm

        OK, good, I’m not crazy 🙂 Just my opinion here, but do you think that will remove a lot of the banter on here? If it has to be talked about privately, I feel like there would be a ton less comments for everyone to read. Anyone?

      • Budjer September 12, 2011, 5:14 pm

        Valid concern. Half the fun is throwing your opinion out there though and debating (imo). I do think that it would be more of a special case function rather than the rule.

      • Savannah September 12, 2011, 7:51 pm

        I’m more of a ‘silent’ reader and I really enjoy reading all the banter where we can all see it!

      • TheOtherMe September 12, 2011, 4:45 pm

        I saw the chat button & clicked on it 1000 times, did I break it ??

      • honeybeenicki September 12, 2011, 5:10 pm

        Yes you did! But thats ok, I broke a whole system at work today for 8 hours =\

        I kinda like a chat/PM idea but agree with above comments that it might be another way for nastiness to continue behind the scenes.

      • fast eddie September 12, 2011, 5:07 pm

        Wendy felt the thumbs down was getting to be abusive so she decided to go the route of facebook. I think it’s a good idea. A high up count felt really good but getting lots of downs was disappointing even when I expected them.

      • 6napkinburger September 14, 2011, 11:59 am

        YES! Age requirement would be so helpful!!! (And gender, given I read the other post as if the LW was a lesbian woman, rather than a heterosexual guy, for like 10 mins)

    • bagge72 September 12, 2011, 3:31 pm

      Well I would cut her a little slack with saying that he cheated with her on his ex, because I don’t think she actually knew about his ex at the time, and that is why she broke up with him as soon as she found out. It is more like he was cheating on both girls, because neither of them knew about each other. It wasn’t a very good idea for her to get back with this guy after finding out though.

      Reply Link
      • Budjer September 12, 2011, 4:27 pm

        Yea I wasn’t trying to be a jerk with the tunnel-vision comment. Some people do need to remind themselves that they do that…because some people always will.

    • Budjer September 12, 2011, 3:23 pm

      I also want to add that loyalty can be a very awesome thing and a very horrible thing. It is tough to cut people out of your life, but if they are toxic for you it is necessary…otherwise the trouble they bring into your life is your own fault.

      Reply Link
  • ReginaRey September 12, 2011, 3:30 pm

    I’m going to assume that you, up until this point, thought your boyfriend was straight. Not gay, not bi, just straight. Hence the “I threw up afterwards” remark from your boyfriend. I imagine that if he was bi and you knew, the “I threw up” wouldn’t make much sense.

    So, that said, rumors like this don’t just pop up out of nowhere. First, there are a lot of people who all share the same view of the story. Secondly, I’d hazard a guess that “rumors” of an assumed “straight” male cheating with another male just DO NOT exist from nothing. If this is being talked about it’s because it, or something very close to what you’ve been told by others, happened.

    Straight males tend to avoid any and all behaviors that might even SUGGEST that they’re gay. That’s why they don’t cuddle and often accuse each other of being “gay” when having feelings of any sort. The fact that this rumor exists about your boyfriend strongly, strongly suggests that there’s something to it.

    And you know what, him being gay or bi or whatever is totally beside the point! The real point is that he almost certainly cheated on you. Maybe he’s in the closet, maybe he’s bi and was exploring his sexuality, but no matter what – he violated your trust once and THEN violated it again by continuing to lie. Not only that – but all of your friends hate him! When a large group of people all shares such a strong opinion, there’s probably a reason for it! Don’t you think all of that is too many strikes against him? MOA!!

    Reply Link
  • Lindsey September 12, 2011, 4:37 pm

    Scenario 1: For awhile your boyfriend has been having sexual feelings and urges for men. He is disturbed by these feelings because his whole life his father and frat bros have made him think he should be *totally grossed out by a gay dude, dude*. He has found a sort of outlet in your best friend and has been able to satiate his curiosity about the gay-world by asking him questions. The communication between these two has gotten increasingly more frequent and during a drunken night out without you, things go a little too far and your boyfriend finally gives in to the urges he is feeling. He is deeply disturbed and ashamed and cannot yet come to terms with what he is feeling. He loves you but does not want to hurt or disappoint you. He figures the best way to thwart the gay rumors is to point out how physically sick a kiss from a man would make him. You are disturbed by the fact that the man you thought you would marry is possibly gay, but let’s be hoenst here..this isn’t the first time this thought has crossed your mind.

    Scenario 2: You have a group of friends comprised of a bunch of seriously insane wackadoos who all get together and concocted an incredibly wild story of your boyfriend’s homosexual escapades all because they secretly hate him and that is the only way they could ever convince you to finally leave him.

    LW, Please be honest with yourself, which is more likely?

    Either way, you have a lying boyfriend or a group of crazy, lying friends. Time for some rearranging…..best of luck!

    Reply Link
    • Lindsey September 12, 2011, 4:49 pm

      p.s I wouldn’t doubt your gay best friend has been messing around(figuratively speaking) with your boyfriend for a while via text/e-mail whatever, but then lied to your other friends about it, making him seem like some innocent victim who is being preyed on by your bf…What I’m trying to say is that I seriously doubt your boyfriend just showed up unannounced at your gay best friend’s house at 3 am without an invitation first if ya know what I’m sayin’………..

      Reply Link
  • The_Yellow_Dart September 12, 2011, 4:41 pm

    Please, please MOA! My ex-fiance cheated on me with a few men without my knowledge! I had no idea he was bisexual beforehand, but the fact that he went behind my back and lied about it was awful. It sounds like your boyfriend has done something similar, so please don’t stay with someone who doesn’t respect you enough to tell you the truth and thereby puts your health in danger. (This goes for all types of cheating, btw!) For me, it was an extremely painful breakup, but I’m now with someone who treats me well and makes me happy – you can do it too!

    Reply Link
  • HmC September 12, 2011, 4:54 pm

    Let’s take a look at this problem from a purely logical standpoint. I’ll begin by making two lists. The first list is all of the evidence in support of not trusting your boyfriend:

    ~your friends ALL uniformly HATE him
    ~your friends all have the same consistent story about him cheating on you
    ~even the bartender corroborates a story where he cheated on YOU with a MAN and then LIED to you about it
    ~you have 100% reliable evidence that he cheated before, and recently, on his last girlfriend

    The next list is all of the evidence you have given about why you should trust him:

    ~”I really think he’s changed”

    Why exactly do you think he’s changed since he cheated and lied last time? You offer none at all in your letter.

    To disbelieve your friends (and the bartender!), means that you would have to think they’re either all crazy or all incentivized to lie to you for some reason. A big conspiracy. How likely do you think that is?

    MOA and get tested for STD’s asap.

    Reply Link
    • HmC September 12, 2011, 4:57 pm

      (Just realized my comment mirrors Wendy’s a lot… I didn’t plagiarize, I actually write my comments before reading others so I can be sure that I’m 100% giving my own uninfluenced opinion. Anyway, great minds think alike!) 🙂

      Reply Link
  • Kerrycontrary September 12, 2011, 5:07 pm

    Does anyone else think that the LW’s friends kinda suck? I mean obviously she’s going through a tough situation right now and all they are doing is telling her how much they hate her boyfriend…

    Reply Link
    • honeybeenicki September 12, 2011, 5:13 pm

      I thought that at first, but I’m wondering if there is more to this relationship than what is in the letter (I’m sure there is). Sometimes friends just can’t put up with it anymore. I was with a guy through a few years in HS and my first year and half in college who was a complete and utter loser and eventually my friends just kind of threw their hands up in the air about it.

      Reply Link
    • Landygirl September 12, 2011, 5:25 pm

      That and they all knew the real story for a year and didn’t say anything to her.

      Reply Link
      • MsMisery September 13, 2011, 10:12 am

        Yeah. If my bff’s husband was cheating on her with a human of ANY PERSUASION I’d be all “Oh girl hold up.” Twenty years of friend-dom will do that to a person.

  • theattack September 12, 2011, 5:16 pm

    I haven’t read the other comments yet, so someone might have said this already. But I wouldn’t be so sure the friends have perfect intentions here. It took two months for this subject to come up with her friends? If my friends saw my boyfriend cheating on me with ANYONE, especially a man, I would be hearing about it. This seems suspicious. And did they actually see it happen, or did it start out as a bit of a stretch and then down the line turned into the story they told you?

    Reply Link
    • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 5:17 pm

      Refer to Kerrycontrary’s comment 2 above yours. Crummy friends?

      Reply Link
    • ForeverYoung September 12, 2011, 6:27 pm

      Yeah but how many times have we read letters where girls choose to believe their boyfriends over their friends. In this exact letter she chose to believe her boyfriend originally over the suspicions. She didn’t investigate immediately because she WANTED to be blind, and therefore chose not to see the truth. If I was friends with her it would be pretty clear she wanted to be in lalaland, and I – like them – would have waited until she was ready to hear the truth. Otherwise I know I would be an annexed friend immediately. Girls ditch friends all the time when they tell them cheating allegations about their boyfriends. They love being delusional. She admits it herself she didn’t want to question it.

      Reply Link
      • HelloJello September 13, 2011, 10:26 am

        There was a whole season of Jersey Shore about this 😉

  • AKchic September 12, 2011, 5:22 pm

    Darlin, the one thing that stood out for me was this: You said you were thinking about “marrying this kid”. Kid. You called a male that you had been contemplating spending the rest of your life with (after a year of supposed faithfulness) a kid.
    That is what you truly think of him.

    Now, let’s get into the fact that he was cheating on his last girlfriend when he started dating you, he got your gay male friend drunk (after sexually harassing him for a while) and getting a drunken BJ from him afterwards, then lying about it and expecting your gay friend to cover for him.

    Your friends are right, and you should have some respect for yourself and a serious apology (with ass kissing and gifts in hand) for your gay friend whom you turned your back on when he was the one being harassed, not the other way around.

    Ditch the closeted moron for the liar he is. It makes no difference whether or not he likes guys. What DOES count is the fact that he doesn’t have the scrotes to be honest with you, his friends, or himself. He is a kid mentally, and you don’t need it. Walk away.

    Reply Link
    • lets_be_honest September 12, 2011, 5:25 pm

      While I agree with you on ditching the BF, I don’t see how the gay friend deserves an apology, or see how he was harassed. He gave the BF a b-jibber in the car! Also, love your use of the word ‘scrotes.’ p.s. I refer to people I highly respect as ‘kid’ sometimes. Possibly not indicative of thinking they are actually an immature kid.

      Reply Link
      • ForeverYoung September 12, 2011, 7:07 pm

        I agree – can you imagine apologizing to the girl that gave your boyfriend a beej in a car??

  • fast eddie September 12, 2011, 5:20 pm

    This whole letter smells fishy. Anybody barfing after being kissed isn’t credible unless the recipient is ill thus nothing to do with the kiss itself. Several different versions all very drama laden is suspicious as is the friends willingness to collaborate. However it is a pretty good basis for a CSI or soap opera plot. Lot’s of twists and turns in it.

    Reply Link
  • soandso September 12, 2011, 6:22 pm

    You have to have trust in your relationship. And your relationship shouldn’t be influenced by your friends and rumors. Your boyfriend tells a fishy story. The vomit afterwards only should happen if boyfriend was so drunk he vomited. Otherwise, who honestly vomits at a kiss? I bet he kisses grandpa on the lips sometimes too. Crazy and unbelievable. You should ask him about that.

    You should also ask him why he didn’t tell you about the kiss the very day it happened. Do you know if boyfriend and gay friend talked to each other after that kiss? If so – sounds fishy. Not a good sign. Why did he hide it? I’m confused by that.

    Be wary of these red flags, talk to him, maybe tell him you want him to be honest with you when anyone hits on him again (male, female, your friend or not). It makes for interesting conversation when you hear stories of how the crazy lady on the train tried to talk to him and wanted to take him out that night.

    Reply Link
  • Meredith September 12, 2011, 9:21 pm

    A lot of times it is just easier to believe the person that tells a less controversial side of the story…in this case your boyfriends version, because you obviously love your boyfriend and don’t want to break up with him. If you choose to believe your friends that means you have to face the fact that 1.your boyfriend cheated on you (again) 2.Your boyfriend has bisexual or gay tendencies that are strong enough to have him pursuing your best guy friend for the entire time you’ve been dating him. That’s a lot to absorb and you’d rather just bury your head in the sand and pretend this didn’t happen. Well I hate to break it to you, but girl, your boyfriend of a year cheated on you with a man (one of your best friends at that). Too many people telling the same story, one who is completely a objective witness. You need to put on your big girl panties and deal with this situation head on instead of running from the truth. It’s going to suck and I’m sure it’ll be lonely but you gotta move on from this guy. Please have some self respect and break up with him before you waste any more of your time. Also…a year is not that long in the great scheme of things. I don’t care if y’all have been together for ten years, this guy is clearly questioning and exploring his sexuality, which alone is a good enough reason to break up with him.

    Reply Link
  • katie September 12, 2011, 9:25 pm

    LW, all i will say is that there will probably be more then one person that you thought you were going to marry at one point or another before you actually marry someone. i thought i was going to marry two of my previous boyfriends… and it didnt happen. “thinking” that you were going to marry someone is a really, really terrible reason to overlook all the problems that someone might have. you deserve to be happy, in a relationship built on trust, not questioning everything after a rocky start anyway.

    also, and this is my personal opinion, one year is not sufficient time to actually know you want to marry someone, anyway.

    Reply Link
  • Painted_lady September 12, 2011, 10:36 pm

    Look, here’s something I learned the hard way: if the vast majority of your friends HATE your SO, and they don’t also want to bone you, this is a massive, red, flashing warning sign. I have only had one relationship where my friends were so pissed off by the guy’s mere presence that they had to tell it to my face. And they were right. If they’re really your friends, LISTEN TO THEM. Even if you think maybe you need new friends, still, listening to them would not be a terrible idea.

    Look at your reasoning for trusting this guy. Basically it amounts to the fact that you’ve been together a year and you want to marry him. I get that it’s hard to have to give up a future you thought you were having, but when it’s at this expense, what sort of future is it, after all?

    Reply Link
  • Chilosa161 September 12, 2011, 10:40 pm

    Not to be an ageist bastard…but how old are all of you? Where are you in your lives? Is it possible that you have a lot of exploring to do as well?

    People go through identity crises at any point in life, but sometimes when one is younger they come more frequently and earth-shatteringly. Don’t just knee jerk it and immediately discount everything your boyfriend is saying. It might be an unpopular thing, and the relationship is certainly unsalvageable at this point…but he may be freaking out. If you feel capable, maybe you can be the bigger person and find a way to plant some seeds for him to get help. On your way out, you could show him a way to find support and figure himself out.

    But yeah. Get out now.

    Reply Link
  • ape_escape September 13, 2011, 4:28 am

    “EVEN THE BARTENDER says so!”

    oh my god girl. get. the f. out. there are so many things wrong with this picture I couldn’t even BEGIN to elaborate.

    and may I just begin with…lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies, lies. on behalf of everyone in this story.

    Reply Link
  • 2_J September 13, 2011, 11:22 am

    Wendy, what happened with the PURPLE THUMB’S!? We cant disagree anymore or what?

    Reply Link
    • Wendy September 13, 2011, 11:37 am

      Purple thumbs are gone. Of course you can still disagree, but you have to do it with a comment now.

      Reply Link
  • kali September 13, 2011, 3:37 pm

    I gotta say, Wendy, I love the absence of purple downer thumbs! Kudos!!

    Reply Link
  • matbo September 14, 2011, 7:34 am

    Urh, I always hate it when an S.O cheats with a friend and only the friend gets dumped.

    Reply Link
  • bittergaymark October 7, 2011, 6:23 pm

    Hah, I missed this post because I was on vacation when it posted and was in the wood with no internet.

    Obviously, the BF has some issues with his sexuality.

    Frankly, I don’t think the Gay Friend was all that toxic. Actually, he could have been doing his pretty stupid/clueless and decidedly desperate friend a huge favor by exposing her BF friend for what he truly was. Then again, the Gay Friend got cold feet and LIED to cover for the BF, so, yeah, maybe he is a wee bit toxic.

    At any rate, the LW still is thinking about marrying this guy? Seriously? How dumb and clueless can you get. This isn’t being naive. This is being laughably stupid! Right! The ENTIRE world including some random Bartender are out to destroy her wonderful relationship in some epic and grand conspiracy of lies!!

    PS — I never said that Lesbians don’t exist. I did (rightly and Dan Savage would totally back me up here) that an alarming number of them seem to jump ship as they age and wind up with dudes. This could simply stem from a biological reason, but it has been very much true in my own personal experience. And I know dozens more gay men than I do know lesbians, and not a single gay guy I have ever known up and went straight in his 30s…

    Reply Link
    • twiglet October 11, 2011, 11:58 am

      Tom Robinson.

      Reply Link

Leave a Comment