Well, four weeks before the wedding, when we still hadn’t received a wedding invitation, I started to think that our friends realized how expensive weddings really are and made tough decisions in their guest list. I was okay with this and last week (after still no invitation three weeks before), I had decided that I was still going to send a gift because we really do like this young couple and are genuinely happy for them.
Then, last night I get an instagram notification from the fiancée. It is a picture of the wedding invitation sent directly to me and a few other people. I don’t know if this is an invite, though the comments from the others are along the lines of “Yes, I’ll be there”.
The wedding is in two weeks and she sends an instagrammed picture of the invitation. I am just in awe — Instagrammed Invitations?!!?? My fiancé doesn’t see the big deal. He wants to go. First, as much as I hate the word tacky, this SCREAMS TACKY. But the tackiness put aside, I’m hurt. I feel like an after-thought, and I really do not want to go.
My questions are: 1. Would you go? 2. Would you just send a gift? 3. Would you neither send a gift nor attend? — Instagram Invited
If I were invited to the wedding and I liked this couple and wanted to continue a friendship, like you say you do, then I would go to the wedding (and give a gift). To do that, you need more clarification that you were actually invited. I would say something like: “Hey, your invitation was beautiful. But I just wanted to clarify whether you meant to send the photo to me?” This is a non-intrusive question that doesn’t come right out and ask, “Hey, am I invited or not?” but still gets the message across.
If you don’t get clarification, don’t go to the wedding. You can, however, send a gift (especially since that was your plan anyway when you assumed you hadn’t been invited). I understand that your feelings are hurt, and that you might believe you weren’t included in the first round of invitations. But you, as someone who is engaged and, I assume, actively planning a wedding, know that hard decisions about a guest list have to be made (you said so yourself), and you wouldn’t want your second or third-tier guests feeling bad that they couldn’t be invited with the first-tier group, would you? No! You’d hope people would understand that exclusion from your wedding isn’t always a true reflection of your regard for them and that sometimes compromises have to be made to appease family (who may be paying for the wedding) and to fit a budget.
Don’t judge your friends for not including you in the first round of invitations; judge them, if you want, for making you aware of that fact and for being so unclear on whether an invitation was meant to be extended at all. Or cut them some slack and chalk up the bad etiquette to having a lot on their plate and probably not having a lot of experience planning a wedding.
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