From the forums:
Well, four weeks before the wedding, when we still hadn’t received a wedding invitation, I started to think that our friends realized how expensive weddings really are and made tough decisions in their guest list. I was okay with this and last week (after still no invitation three weeks before), I had decided that I was still going to send a gift because we really do like this young couple and are genuinely happy for them.
Then, last night I get an instagram notification from the fiancée. It is a picture of the wedding invitation sent directly to me and a few other people. I don’t know if this is an invite, though the comments from the others are along the lines of “Yes, I’ll be there”.
The wedding is in two weeks and she sends an instagrammed picture of the invitation. I am just in awe — Instagrammed Invitations?!!?? My fiancé doesn’t see the big deal. He wants to go. First, as much as I hate the word tacky, this SCREAMS TACKY. But the tackiness put aside, I’m hurt. I feel like an after-thought, and I really do not want to go.
My questions are: 1. Would you go? 2. Would you just send a gift? 3. Would you neither send a gift nor attend? — Instagram Invited
I wouldn’t go to the wedding, and here’s why: you weren’t directly invited to it. You were sent a photo of an invitation posted on Instagram. I’m sorry, but a photo of an invitation that isn’t addressed to you is not an invitation to you. And for all you know, the people who replied to that post with comments that they would be attending the wedding might have been directly invited outside of Instagram. Maybe they received the paper invitation in the mail and hadn’t RSVPd yet and this post was serving as a reminder to them. Maybe they had been invited over email or invited via a phone call or even a text message. I mean, really: even a text message could count as a direct invitation if it was made to your or your fiancé’s phone and you were personally addressed. But a photo of an invitation that you are essentially tagged on is NOT an invitation. Maybe the intention behind directing you to a photo of the invitation was to invite you, but that isn’t clear. You could always ask for more clarification (but only do that if you have genuine interest in attending the wedding): “Hey, your invitation was beautiful. But I just wanted to clarify whether you meant to send the photo to me?” This is a non-intrusive question that doesn’t come right out and ask, “Hey, am I invited or not?” but still gets the message across.
If you don’t get clarification and if this non-invitation is your only inclination that you’re welcome to attend, do not go to the wedding. You can, however, send a gift. And since you already assumed you weren’t invited and were already planning to send a gift, I say go ahead and continue with that plan. I understand that your feelings are hurt, but you, as someone who is engaged and, I assume, actively planning a wedding, know that hard decisions about a guest list have to be made (you said so yourself), and you wouldn’t want your second or third-tier guests feeling bad that they couldn’t be invited with the first-tier group, would you? No! You’d hope people would understand that exclusion from your wedding isn’t always a true reflection of your regard for them and that sometimes compromises have to be made to appease family (who may be paying for the wedding) and to fit a budget.
Don’t judge your friends for not including you in the first round of invitations; judge them, if you want, for making you aware of that fact and for being so unclear on whether an invitation was meant to be extended at all. Or cut them some slack and chalk up the bad etiquette to having a lot on their plate and probably not having a lot of experience planning a wedding.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].