Guest columnists and contributors are generously sharing their talents and insights while I’m taking some time to care for my new baby. Today’s letter is answered by prolific DW commenter and social media consultant, Sarah Huffman.
Alright, first things first. Ahem. Did you enjoy the sex? Was it safe? Then stop. Kicking. Yourself. Congratulations, you had good sex! Why is it that it seems fair and rational that a guy feels like high five-ing the world (and his penis) when he gets laid, but the girl feels anxious and shameful? Why is that? Do you think HE is wondering if he gave it up too fast or didn’t plan it first? Do you think HE is thinking about how you’ll see him from now on? No! He’s thinking “Man, that was hot.” Stop putting sooo much pressure on yourself and your actions. The only two questions you should be asking yourself are: Did you protect yourself? and “Did you enjoy it? If the answer is ‘yes’ and ‘yes,’ then repeat after me, “Man, that was hot.”
I know, I know, but men think with their Lyndon Johnson way before they think about if they want a relationship with a person and it’s “the girl’s job” to hold out and if she gives it up too soon then the guy will just treat her like a FWB, blah, blah, blah. You know what? Bullsh*t. You get to pick how the relationship you want gets to go. If you want to date him but wait to get to know him more before you sleep together again or still sleep together but but have real dates too, then do just that. No more “hanging out;” plan real dates. Ask him out to a museum, to a film festival, to a Velveeta factory (I wish!), anything that feels like a legit date. Hell, make it a daytime date. If he goes, regardless of whether there is sex or not, and plans another date of the same kind, congratulations, he wants to date. If he bails on those plans and his idea of a date is “hanging outside of Walmart at 4 am,” then you know that he isn’t so much interested in dating and his whole long-term thing is just talk. But guess what? That means you get to stop dating him if that’s not what you’re interested in. You get to pick the person and the setting for your relationships. The right guy will not care if you slept with him on the first date (mine didn’t), but you have to be clear about what you want.
And do not get obsessed with his mixed messages and try to decode GuySpeak every time you get a text from him. Bitch, I’ve been there. Does “sick” mean “sick”, or does “sick” mean “I’m dodging you because you gave me your ladyflower and I’m over you”? All it does is increase your insecurities and make it even harder to distinguish what you want. Considering it’s been so long since he’s dated, he’s probably got less idea of how to proceed than you do anyway. So help him out, take his hand, and show him the direction you would like things to go. If he shrugs it off or pulls it towards the bed, remember the sexy sex fondly and MOA.
* Sarah Huffman is a social media consultant who is freelancing art and photography along the way. She lives in Hollywood with her boyfriend, David, and their two cats, Mia and Daphne. She likes spending her free time spying on the neighbors through her window and ruining her boyfriend’s Netflix recommendations by watching bad reality wedding shows and movies starring Sarah Jessica Parker.