He’s about 25 years older than me and kind of old school when it comes to sex and relationships (this is his second marriage, my first). I mentioned in the beginning of our relationship that I used to go to an S&M club once in a while, which freaked him out (he thought it was sick), but he seemed to get over it. He told me he would have dumped me if I’d told him that ten years ago.
Last night he found out that I went to the club for my bachelorette party – alone. I played around with one couple, but there was no sex involved. I didn’t even take off my clothes. But to him, this was practically like cheating. He told me that had he found this out before the wedding, he probably wouldn’t have married me. He told me everything was perfect and this ruined everything. (BTW, his bachelor party was very PG. I saw the pics. He went with friends and some family. I told him he could have done anything he wanted).
He told me he wouldn’t bring it up again or use it against me and would need some time to get over it. I understood and felt horrible. I apologized profusely (I meant it) and was crying at his feet all night, but inside I felt like he was being overly dramatic and blowing this way out of proportion. I tried to explain my point of view, but he wouldn’t hear it. I’m not sure what to say to him to make him feel better. I just want to bring some closure to this and try to make him see this really wasn’t that big of a deal. — No Pain, No Gain
Uh, going to an S&M club and “playing” with another couple without your fiancé’s knowledge or permission isn’t “practically like” cheating; it is cheating. And you know damn well that what you did wasn’t cool — or at least not cool to your fiancé, which makes it not cool at all — and that’s why you kept it a secret from him. And come on, you don’t want “closure” to this — you want an opening. You want to open your relationship in a way that allows you some freedom to “play.” And that’s all fine and dandy, but you should have addressed that before you got married. Instead, you led your fiancé to believe your S&M days were in the past, especially once you saw how much the idea freaked him out. Rather than own up to who you are and risk scaring off the man you wanted to marry, you pretended to be something else, and that’s not right.
You tricked your fiancé and now you want to just move on as if: A) what you did was no big deal; and B) your desire for a different kind of sex life doesn’t and won’t affect your relationship. That’s crazy! The truth is, it probably will very much affect your relationship, and now that you’re married that makes things super tricky. You either have to decide — together — whether this is a lifestyle you can explore together or whether it’s something that you can wholeheartedly give up and not ever feel tempted to visit again. If you can’t mutually agree to one of those options, there’s really no point in staying married. That really sucks, but it sucks worse for you poor husband. What he may have convinced himself was just a passing, long-over phase you went through, has suddenly become an issue that is threatening his brand new marriage. Not only that, but now he knows that you’re a liar, and when trust is broken so early in a relationship, it’s a lot of work to get it back.
So yeah, to him, things probably do seem ruined and you definitely are a pretty big reason why. Obviously, he’s not totally innocent here. You told him about your S&M history and he chose to believe it was only in the past, which was pretty naive of him, especially considering he has 25 more years of life experience than you, including one divorce, under his belt. You’d think he would have been a little more careful about pursing a serious commitment with someone who has dabbled in a lifestyle he considers “sick.” But he wanted to believe what he wanted to believe. And you didn’t do much to dissuade him.
I don’t know, maybe you two deserve each other. But if you have any chance to make things last — and last, happily — you have some serious talking and compromising ahead of you (not to mention work to build back the trust).