If you’re reading this, you’re logged onto the internet, and if you’re online, you’ve definitely heard by now that Jennifer Aniston, best know as the unlucky-in-love ex of Brad Pitt and actress in some 90s sitcom where she had shaggy hair, is ENGAGED, y’all. Stop the presses!! The 43-year-old has accepted the proposal of Justin Theroux, who popped the question on his birthday this past Friday. Finally, now everyone can stop talking about what a sad sack she must be and how Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie like a decade ago.
But of course, people aren’t really ever going to stop talking about that. Now the race is on: who will make it to the altar first (there’s speculation that Pitt and Jolie may get married on a chateau in the South of France as early as this weekend… though I’m pretty sure that’s been the speculation for the last seven years). Then there will be a race to see which couple will be the first to welcome a new kid to the family. At 43, it’s unlikely that Aniston can have children the old-fashioned way, but maybe she’ll try. Or maybe she’ll pull a Jolie and adopt a baby from like Kathmandu. Only time will tell.
If Aniston’s smart — and I’m not suggesting she is — she’ll leave people guessing for a long, long time — like, so long they pretty much forget who she is. That doesn’t mean she has to put her life on hold or anything. But if I were she, I’d retreat as far away from the glare of the Hollywood spotlight as possible. That would mean, of course, first moving away from Hollywood. Maybe she and Theroux could do like Demi Moore and Bruce Willis did back when everyone forgot who they were because they lived on a ranch in Idaho or some place. No one cares about anyone who lives on a ranch in Idaho, even if said person did once bone Brad Pitt. She would be forgotten by the end of the year, or at least until word got out that her baby arrived from Nepal.
And then? There might be a tabloid story or two about how Theroux, overwhelmed by the new pressures of marriage and parenthood and missing his acting career, was reaching out to his ex-girlfriend whom he dated for 14 years before Aniston caught his eye. There might be a photo of a tight-lipped, too-thin Aniston, clutching her baby and looking worried, that would go viral. But if she stays on that ranch in Idaho and doesn’t surface again for many, many years, this marriage might work out. I mean, well, let’s face it, it probably won’t, but at least it will have a better chance than if she keeps doing what she’s been doing.
I wonder if she and Theroux will get matching highlights for their wedding like she and Brad did. I’d advise against that. If she asked.
[via Daily Mail]
JK August 14, 2012, 1:08 pm
This is why I <3 you, Wendy. Amazing.
Addie Pray August 14, 2012, 1:24 pm
1. I know, I sideways-the-letter-V-plus-the-number-three Wendy so much too! (<—- maybe the lamest thing I've typed out?)
2. I forgot about the matching highlights, haha! That should be a new rule: if you are contemplating getting matching highlights with your lover, you should move on now.
3. I completely support a move to Sunvalley, Idaho — that town is amazing! I'd move there in a heartbeat if I could afford it. And if I were married to a hot, outdoorsy man and we could hike all day and make babies all night.
4. You guys, I once stayed at a hotel where Jennifer Aniston stayed like a year prior. Still, pretty cool, eh? No? Geez.
5. I haven't showered yet today. And I biked to work. And my seat was wet, and my underwear is still wet from that. El-grosse.
bethany August 14, 2012, 1:30 pm
Are you going to yoga today?!
Addie Pray August 14, 2012, 2:01 pm
Well, my green yoga bag made the journey to work with me in anticipation of going to yoga after work. But this day has been full of failures. For example, I started off the day vowing not to facebook or dearwendy all day. Fail, fail. I had also planned to go to spin class over the lunch hour and shower afterward. Fail, fail. Instead I just went to lunch. By the way, you know what is delicious? A bite of a soft gooey chocolate cookie with a Ruffles potatoto chip. The ratio of cookie to chip should be 1-1, and voila, it’s the perfect bite. So, anyway, in light of all my failing today, the future for yoga is not bright. Remember that time I did 65 days in a row of Bikram?
Addie Pray August 14, 2012, 2:03 pm
*potato, not potatototototo.
See? Failure. And it’s only 1:03 pm. The day is still young. I have more opportunity to fail.
bethany August 14, 2012, 2:04 pm
I start off every day vowing not to FB or DW.
Not one single time has that worked!!
I’m planning on going to yoga tonight, but something funky is happening in my stomach at the moment. I feel like it’s going to be a “game day” decision. Bikram + Stomach Issues= VERY bad things.
MaterialsGirl August 14, 2012, 2:46 pm
haha oh AP– I ran this morning and then swam at lunch.
then instead of JUST the baked potato I got from wendy’s, I also ate a 1/4 lb cheeseburger. I couldn’t resist
AKchic August 14, 2012, 5:58 pm
Potatoto = what you get when you breed Toto and a potato together. I think they’d look like the slave creatures from The Dark Crystal.
MaterialsGirl August 14, 2012, 8:21 pm
Oo this makes me want to watch dark 80’s Jim Henson movies.
AKchic August 14, 2012, 8:24 pm
One of the good things about having kids – you can watch that stuff again and claim you’re doing so to “introduce another generation” to it!
MaterialsGirl August 15, 2012, 9:29 am
What? it’s not enough to play a drinking game to “Labyrinth” every time Bowie’s codpiece makes an appearance?
SweetPeaG August 14, 2012, 1:41 pm
I just saw a featured article on CNN… “Why we care about Jennifer Aniston”. I asked myself “We care?” because I wasn’t aware that I did. I mean, she seems like a likeable person, but I don’t really CARE.
I am so all for moving to remote towns though, so I like that idea. If money was no object, how awesome would it be to move to some beautiful area surrounded by wilderness in an amazing home? I don’t know why celebrities don’t do this. It seems so much more preferable to Hollywood. Maybe that’s just me.
I don’t really have a point. I have no idea why I am commenting on this, other than boredom on my lunchbreak at work. Sorry for wasting the commenting space!
Addie Pray August 14, 2012, 1:56 pm
You’re commenting because… you do CARE! Haha.
SweetPeaG August 14, 2012, 2:38 pm
You’re right! I have a secret shrine to Jennifer Aniston!
Leroy August 14, 2012, 2:17 pm
Wasn’t she supposed to marry Ross? Is that the guy who played Ross? He’s aged well! So has she.
bethany August 14, 2012, 2:18 pm
David Schwimmer. I LOVE ROSS!
JK August 14, 2012, 2:31 pm
iwannatalktosampson August 14, 2012, 2:32 pm
Oh God. What happened to the forums. I’m going to have a panic attack.
Addie Pray August 14, 2012, 2:43 pm
Ever since I noticed the forums were gone I have been worrying about your well-being. Hang in there. This too shall pass. Go to the pool and study.
GatorGirl August 14, 2012, 2:52 pm
Aren’t they still there but not on the side thingy?
Wendy August 14, 2012, 3:15 pm
The forums are still there! I got rid of the “Most Recent Forums Topics” in the sidebar because it look too cluttered (I’m cutting back on ads, too). Look on top where it says “forum” and click.
Addie Pray August 14, 2012, 3:22 pm
I see now. So, the big green-boxed “FORUM” link at the top, smack dab in the center, leads me to the forums… Who would have thunk it!? (I’ve been failing miserably at life all day today. Tomorrow will be better.)
Taylor August 14, 2012, 3:53 pm
How do I log into the forum? I just found the Breaking Bad thread, and I can resist no longer! I know this is likely very obvious, but just spent several minutes looking through the page, and can’t find a login spot…
Addie Pray August 14, 2012, 3:59 pm
You have to sign up somehow. But don’t ask me. I am the one who couldn’t find the forums in the first place.
Taylor August 14, 2012, 4:05 pm
Hee. I found it! For whatever reason, the forum page is HUGE on my screen, and the login was in the lower right side. Just in case anyone else out there also has comments on BB they have to make RIGHT NOW.
MJ August 14, 2012, 3:42 pm
Awww, I liked the “most recent” thing. That way I could just click on the active topics from the main DW page.
Leroy August 14, 2012, 4:35 pm
+1 My time is valuable, and I need to know where the action is.
BTW there is a column of ads hanging off of the RH side of the page in FireFox.
TECH August 14, 2012, 2:33 pm
“If Aniston’s smart — and I’m not suggesting she is — ” . . . Ouch, why is Jennifer Aniston not smart? In every interview I’ve heard with her, she’s been perfectly articulate and seems pretty smart to me.
Addie Pray August 14, 2012, 2:42 pm
Wendy never said Jennifer Aniston is not smart. Wendy just clarified that she didn’t say Jennifer was smart. Totally different. But I’ll say it: Jennifer is not smart. And I base that solely on the fact that she dated John Mayer. (I’m allowed to say that, right?)
bittergaymark August 14, 2012, 3:06 pm
Nah, Addie… I don’t buy it. Wendy was deliberately being bitchy here… 😉
bittergaymark August 14, 2012, 2:44 pm
Fuck Jennifer! First, she stole the role of Rachel from my best friend — who also went to network for that part… And now she has made off with my dream lover Justin…
AKchic August 14, 2012, 6:01 pm
Personally, I’d like to see success measured by how well a person keeps their personal life OUT OF the tabloids.
In that case, Weird Al and a few other fine folks would be the most successful individuals around.
HemLock August 14, 2012, 10:19 pm
As overblown as the news of her engagement is bound to get, I don’t see the point in being mean spirited about it or speculating on the longevity of their impending marriage. It would probably do every celibrity (especially those that are betrothed) a world of good to disappear to Idaho for a while but I guess I feel like Jennifer Aniston deserves the same happiness, or at least another shot at it, as much as anybody else. After all, people nearly shit themselves with joy when Brad Pitt and ol’ what’s-her-name got engaged this year so it strikes me as odd that her own engagement is being met with snide remarks and jeers. Well, maybe not that odd. Team Angelina/Team Aniston grudges will probably never truly die (case in point). But at least it’s not John Mayer people!
Riefer August 15, 2012, 10:44 am
They’re a perfect match. He’s into “being famous” and famewhoring, unlike Brad and Angelina, who prefer the more subtle “we don’t famewhore, but oops, we accidentally tell everything about our private life”.
MsMisery August 15, 2012, 12:56 pm
Maybe now every magazine cover will stop with her face and the “how sad she is!” headlines. Or any headlines about her.
jlyfsh August 15, 2012, 1:06 pm
nope, they will continue to compare her to brangelina. she’ll still be sad because she has no children, etc.