By now, whether you watched this past season of “The Bachelor” or actually did something productive with your Monday nights, you probably know that Brad, the earnest mush-mouth from Austin Texas, proposed to Emily, the sweet single mom from North Carolina, during the season finale this week. You may also be aware that directly after the finale, ABC showed an “After the Final Rose” special with castaway Chantal, who looked to have dropped the extra 15 pounds she picked up eating her way to Brad’s heart during the season, and Emily and Brad, who looked suspiciously tense and not like a couple excited to finally share their love to the world. ABC also paraded out three Bachelor “success stories,” the tired-looking Trista and Ryan, weaselly Jason and Molly, and not-yet-married Ali and Roberto, who advised Brad and Emily to block out all the “noise” and remind each other, “It’s just us.”
We viewers learn very quickly what’s behind the Brad and Emily’s tense smiles. “It hasn’t been all roses,” admits Emily. Gee, ya think?! Brad’s a psychopath. Anyone who watched even, like, half an episode of this season could figure that out. He’s got rage a’boiling just beneath the skin, always threatening to pore out like an erupting volcano. “He’s got a temper,” Emily nods, as Chris Harrison asks what their issues are. Emily’s also none too happy that Brad, admitting that he knew early on that Emily was the likely Chosen One, took the opportunity to boink as many of the other contestants as he could. “Monday nights always caused a lot of anxiety,” Emily explains. Yeah, it probably sucks watching your fiancé frolicking around half-nekkid with a bevy of other beauties week after week.
But you know what sucks worse than that? Being married to the guy! Being married to the man, whose very own brothers warn women to beware of “poking his bear.” And lest you think that’s some sort of sexual innuendo, it’s not; they’re referring to his temper again. They’re referring to the pattern he has with women in which he woos them and then blows up, woos them and then blows up.
“The pattern has started, and she better get out as fast as she can,” says Brad’s ex, Laurel Kagay, who dated him on and off for eight years. “Now the letters, flowers and promises begin. She will most likely fall into Brad’s BS. I just hope she doesn’t do it as long as I did.”
Emily, you have a daughter to think about, even if you aren’t thinking clearly for yourself. Brad is deranged. He can’t make decisions without clawing at his collar and mopping his sweaty brow with a beach towel. That’s not how emotionally balanced people behave. Ask him a serious question, like you did when you asked if he’s truly ready to be a father-figure and just watch how the rage threatens to blow. You better believe if there hadn’t been cameras around, he would have been screaming at you. And why? Because you wanted to make really, really sure that the guy knew what he was getting into proposing to a single mom? What kind of man blows up over that?! A deranged one!
So, you can take my advice and MOA! Or, you can take Ali and Roberto’s advice and block out people like me — sane, unbiased, perceptive people like me — and look your psycho fiancé in the eyes and say, “It’s just us.” Except, it isn’t, is it? There’s your five-year-old daughter, too, and she doesn’t deserve this mess you’ve gotten her in.