Last night on “The Bachelor,” Brad Womack, the earnest mush-mouth from Texas, narrowed his selection of bachelorettes down to four, eliminating both Britt (we hardly knew ya), and Crazy-Eyes Michelle, who, after being sent packing (barefoot, natch) from the beautiful island of Anguilla, didn’t cry and didn’t release a stream of profanity-laced choice words, but simply laid her head on the seat of the limo and stared off into the distance, perhaps pondering at what point, exactly, Brad wiggled free from her web. Sadly, this means that we, the viewers, will not get to see Brad interacting with Michelle’s daughter — or, better yet, Michelle interacting with Michelle’s daughter — on next week’s episode when Brad makes visits to each of his remaining ladies’ hometowns. What we will get to see instead is Brad interacting with single mom Emily’s little girl, as well as the families of Ashley, Chantal, and Shawntel. And then! As we all know, the following week, Brad will bring three of those lucky ladies (my bet’s on Emily, Ashley and Chantal) on exotic overnight dates where they will be given the choice to stay with him in a “fantasy suite,” which is a “Bachelor” euphemism for “boink all night.” So, the question is: should these ladies boink the bachelor?
Now, I’m no prude, but let’s put it this way: if a woman sent me a letter asking if she should boink a guy who was also seeing — and probably boning — at least two other women on the side and planning intimate, exotic vacations will all three of them (within days of each other), I’d be all, WTF? If she said that as recently as the week before she’d told him that she loved him and then watched as he rolled around on the beach with a different woman, I’d be like, “Girlll, you need to MOA.” For real. And if she replied, “But I love him!! You should see his chest! And! He makes me feel so safe in his arms.” I’d tell her that a seat belt can make her feel safe, too, and won’t give her gonorrhea.
But, if she’s a contestant on “The Bachelor,” she won’t listen to me. She’ll take off her bikini top on camera in hopes of winning Brad’s affections, and she’ll tell him she loves him after only two dates, and she’ll hop into bed with him the first chance she gets, and she’ll (most likely) stand at some floral-scented podium overlooking the sea, dressed in a rhinestone-studded, off-the-rack gown from Bloomingdales, as Brad dumps her for another woman, sending her to a limo where she’ll have an immediate meltdown and sob into the camera: “I thought this was finally it. I thought I finally found my prince. But this is the story of my life. I’m always second best. Always.”
But, who knows. Maybe she’ll be asked to be the bachelorette next season. And maybe there will be another guy like Roberto, who won Ali’s heart last season, and in the end, she’ll be better off, because she’ll get the hot guy and she’ll extend her fifteen minutes of fame. But still. If any of the ladies asked if they should boink the bachelor, I’d say “No.” Do not boink Bachelor Brad. Have some self-respect. Save it for when you’re the final choice. Let him work for you a little. And for the love of God, make sure he’s tested first. Who knows what Crazy Eyes Michelle passed on to him during their romp on the beach.