Last night on the VMAs, Beyoncé announced that she and hubs, Jay-Z, are expectin’ a baby, which just goes to prove that Beyoncé and I have a ton in common: we’re both Virgos, we’re both married to 41-year-old hardcore Yankee fans, and we’re both knocked up! Why, we’re practically living identical lives. I’m not sure how far along Beyoncé is, but judging by her cute bump, I’d guess four months? Maybe four and a half? At any rate, I’m a few months ahead of her and so, since I’m such an old pro at this pregnancy thing by now, I’d like to offer her (and Jay-Z) and little advice.
My first bit of advice is for Jay-Z, actually, and it’s this: do whatever Beyoncé asks of you, whether it’s going out for a chocolate cake run, rubbing her feet, or booking another trip to St. Tropez. She’s doing the heavy lifting here and she’s not even going to be able to enjoy champagne on her 30th birthday next week — or at least not too much of it, anyway — so just suck it up and be there for her and do whatever she wants you to do. Also! And this is a big one, J — you’re gonna have to cut back on the amount of Yankee games you attend. Because when it’s, like, 9 PM and Beyoncé has to have a cheese danish, she’s not going to be too happy when you’re all the way up in the Bronx watching Jeter get his fifth hit of the night and not at home where she needs you to be. I know, I know, she has plenty of people who will run out and get a cheese danish or whatever else she wants, but trust me, that cheese danish will not taste as good or mean as much if it isn’t fetched by you, her baby-daddy. So, watch more games at home this season — at least until October, which is when things only start to get exciting anyway. It won’t kill you.
Now, Beyoncé, I know you’re a workaholic, but girl, you’re gonna have to start taking it easy. And that means cutting back on all that booty-shakin’, too. Booty-shakin’ is fun and it pays your bills and all, but it will also land you in the hospital if you aren’t careful. Take it from me: I am a booty-shaker like you — remember, we live practically identical lives — and I have ended up in the hospital twice already since getting knocked up because I just can’t stop shakin’ my booty. So, let’s try this together: less booty-shakin’ and more couch-surfin’. It’s for our babies’ own good!! (You can still shake your booty sometimes, just don’t go overboard.)
One more thing: you probably have some ideas for your baby’s name. Maybe you know your baby’s sex and you’ve even got THE name picked out. I’m sure it’s great. Whatever it is, it’s bound to be the most popular baby name of 2012, so you’ve already got that. But here’s the thing, everyone’s gonna have an opinion about it, so unless you want to hear what those honest opinions are, don’t share the name until after the baby comes. Because once the baby is here and named BeeZee or Joncé or whatever you’re gonna name it, no one will dare say it’s anything but the best damn name they’ve ever heard.
Now remember: despite the the insomnia, nausea, and, let’s face it, god-awful, stomach-churning, you-can’t-believe-it’s-coming-out-of-your-own-body gas, this is a wonderful and exciting time in your lives! Enjoy it. Enjoy these precious final months you have just the two of you before your life is filled with poopy diapers, sleepless nights, and unsolicited advice from people you’ve never heard of. Because life will never be the same again.
honeybeenicki August 29, 2011, 12:28 pm
Completely agree with Wendy, especially on the names! I am not even close to getting pregnant, but in discussing a book series that I love with a friend, I mentioned in passing that my husband and I love one of the names of the main characters and its a traditional Irish/Celtic boys name and that if we ever had a boy that’d be his name. Oh my goodness did I get an earful. Then again, she tells me what she wants to name her kid(s) and in my head all I can think is… well, the same things she was just telling me, but I chose not to voice it.
So basically, definitely a good idea (if you don’t want unsolicited naming advice or input), keep the name private until the baby has arrived and has the name.
ncp August 29, 2011, 12:42 pm
Okay, I’ve decided that Fetus’s name is going to be BeeZee. I wasn’t too happy with PuffPee (his older brother’s suggestion) anyway.
Yammy August 29, 2011, 2:12 pm
Oh God, I hate when people feel the need to opine on baby names. My son is over a year old now and I still get snotty old ladies asking his name and then either making a face or saying “well that’s…different…” His name is Townes. It’s not that weird!
Budjer August 29, 2011, 2:17 pm
I personally don’t care what people call their babies, but I’ve never met anyone named Townes – so I don’t think it’s that surprising you get a lot of weird looks.
lets_be_honest August 29, 2011, 2:30 pm
I agree that it is not common, and any time you choose an uncommon name, you just have to be prepared for that. I named my daughter a “boys” name and have gotten some questions about it, which can be annoying, but at the same time, I knew that going into it. But, yea, it is different. not Apple, but still.
Budjer August 29, 2011, 2:18 pm
I should rephrase that…there are cases where the parents are dooming their kid to a childhood of torment…in those cases I do care what people name their child.
GingerLaine August 30, 2011, 11:02 am
Like Townes Van Zandt??? I like it! I think it’s a hardy name. Like Colt or Jackson.
It is different. In a good way.
bittergaymark August 29, 2011, 2:33 pm
Beyonce is having a baby? Good! Maybe she’s disappear for a while then or actually develop even the vaguest sense of depth…
Budjer August 29, 2011, 2:36 pm
Kiwi August 29, 2011, 5:24 pm
because you actually know her.
bittergaymark August 29, 2011, 5:40 pm
If you REALLY think somebody with actual depth would produce a body of work as utterly vapid as hers, then you have much more or perhaps much less faith in mankind than I do.
Savannah August 30, 2011, 1:30 am
I suppose I am only disappointed that humans can judge one another with such venom when there is really no need.
Jena August 30, 2011, 11:40 am
i wonder if anyone has ever told you that you are just plain not that funny and that vitriol gets old very quickly.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2011, 1:38 pm
pro-women tunes must irk you.
artsygirl August 29, 2011, 2:34 pm
I absolutely loved her performance though did anyone else find the phrasing of “love growing inside me” a little too much? Anyhoos congrats to them and as always great advice Wendy.
lk August 29, 2011, 3:39 pm
I LOVE BEYONCE. I’m so excited that she is pregnant.
beans629 August 29, 2011, 3:59 pm
Umm, Ok. I’m going to say it just because no one else has and I don’t really like Beyonce (way over rated in my opinion) and I definitely can’t stand Jay-Z.
But really,B..Jay-Z is FUGLY as hell and you want to have a baby with him?? Good Lord!!! It’s a damn good thing you have money because that child is going to need either a lot of plastic surgery or therapy.
You are now free to purple thumb me. 🙂
Kelly August 29, 2011, 4:44 pm
I don’t know about you, but I don’t judge people based entirely on their looks; and I would hate anyone to do that to me.I am happy for the couple and their pregnancy.
bittergaymark August 29, 2011, 5:15 pm
I don’t either. It’s that their music is so shocking mediocre and forgettable. Just lame. What passes for talent today is pathetic. There is no edge anymore in pop music. It’s all so cookie cutter bland.
amber August 29, 2011, 5:57 pm
i definitely agree with you. i tried to watch the vmas for about .5 seconds last night. i either didn’t know who half of them were or didn’t care. i remember when i used to sneak watching mtv because i thought it was so cool. last night watching the show made me feel old.
Kelly August 29, 2011, 6:09 pm
One persons trash is another persons treasure.
Also I find it surprising how people are dissecting today’s music just because 1 woman is pregnant; its not That big of a deal.
bittergaymark August 29, 2011, 6:15 pm
That is all fine and dandy but our entire culture is severely dumbed down these days… It’s one thing to have the Whoredashians on every channel with Lady GagGag on the radio, but when Bush, Bachmann, and Palin are all viable contenders for the Presidency…it’s time to stop it with the non-stop idiot parade.
And the Left? Eh, not much better. I tried and tried to like Obama, and even voted for him out of sheer desperation despite feeling that he had all the depth, insight and sincerity of a Sky Mall Motivational Poster (think: there is no ‘i” in team”)… yeah, in the end I was right about that, too.
Frankly, I don’t understand why everybody in our once complex nation suddenly so worships and adores such vacuous simpletons all across the board. It’s truly very, very…depressing.
Kelly August 29, 2011, 6:35 pm
I don’t get why I got a thumbs down for that 2 sentence comment.
Don’t get me wrong, any idiot can see that our society is dumbed down. BUT that same society is fueling these “celebrities”. They make more money than the president of the United States, because people would rather watch and listen to them than…i don’t know pick up a book. Music is not what it use to be because so many people will buy what they hear on the radio & because of that musicians don’t have to work as hard. Why work hard, when you get the same results doing less. Its just a cycle.
And on the Obama subject, I agree that he has made a lot of mistakes (much like our former president) BUT the situation our country was in when he took office was not far from sunshine & rainbows. Unless he’s a magician, I don’t know what people were expecting.
Mark, I agree with much of what you have to say…but its a stretch to state that “everybody in our once complex nation suddenly so worships and adores such vacuous simpletons all across the board.” This post alone shows otherwise.
Budjer August 30, 2011, 8:46 am
I think people were expecting him not to make it worse.
Budjer August 29, 2011, 4:01 pm
I green thumbed you.
Britannia August 29, 2011, 4:15 pm
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder… that’s why I gave you a purple thumb, sorry :/
bittergaymark August 29, 2011, 4:17 pm
Really? But who wants an ugly kid? Seriously. That man is just…yikes. Then again, perhaps Beyonce’s vision is about as clear and solid as her talent…
Budjer August 29, 2011, 4:19 pm
I also read some study that claims that the more attractive the father is the more likely a daughter will be attractive. Let’s hope its a dude.
Britannia August 29, 2011, 4:29 pm
Lots of women don’t give a shit what their kid is going to look like. Frankly, I do, but that’s my thing. Some really ugly people turn out really beautiful kids… neither of my parents are particularly attractive, but I was lucky enough through genetics to get the best traits they each had and I’m relatively attractive. I hope that Beyonce’s kid comes out with a beautiful face AND a beautiful mind.
Budjer August 29, 2011, 4:33 pm
Nothing worse than faking praises at an ugly baby….call me horrible, but it’s the truth.
lets_be_honest August 30, 2011, 1:34 pm
What happens if you think your kid is ugly? (which i’m sure you won’t and will actually think your traditionally ugly, if there is such a thing, child is perfect.) But just curious since you say you would care.
beans629 August 29, 2011, 4:24 pm
No worries about the purple thumb. You are right beauty is in the eye of the beholder but Jay Z is well just horrendous to me.
Also, if you’re going to be ‘not so attractive’ then at LEAST have a redeeming personality. He’s ugly and his media personality (not to mention he’s a crappy ass rapper who rips off other artists)sucks.
Besides, I’m usually into guys that are not so attractive by society’s standards (i.e. Daniel Craig) but Jay Z well…he’s just yuck.
Britannia August 29, 2011, 4:27 pm
I must agree with you, from a personal perspective, about what you’ve said about Jay-Z… but he’s also a very good businessman, and maybe that’s what Beyonce sees in him. We also don’t know what he’s like at home – all we’re privy to is his media personality. A “nice guy” rapper probably wouldn’t get very far in the “rap game” (lol I am such a white girl that it feels awkward to write that), so he probably fronts tougher than he actually is. But of course, maybe he really is the sexist jerkwad he makes himself out to me. Who knows? All that really matters is that Beyonce obviously loves him and they’re going to have a baby together, so I’m happy for them.
beans629 August 29, 2011, 4:37 pm
Actually, I would disagree with him being a good businessman. The only reason to say that is 1)we’ve seen multiple shows where someone is telling us that he is a good businessman 2)he pulled himself out of the ‘ghetto’.
IMO, he is what is wrong with the music industry today. An overrated artist with a semi-talented wife who saturates the airwaves with crappy ass music. To me it’s like once you hear a song enough you have to start to like it because well…there’s nothing else on.
As for, Beyonce liking his business acumen I always thought it was more like…he whored her up enough to sell a lot of records and make some money. If you seen her before she was cute but nothing spectacular. Once she got with Jay Z well let’s just say the quality of her weaves and makeup catapulted her to crossover fame.
Anyway, that’s my rant for today. 🙂
Hell, if she’s OK with waking up to that everyday then I am happy for her.
lk August 29, 2011, 5:21 pm
Gotta say…I love rap & I love Jay-Z. He & Nas’s rivalry & now partnership is everything that is RIGHT with the music industry. I think Beyonce has done an incredible job of being vocal about strong female power & never being second do her husband while still being supportive.
How do we know they are business-savvy?? Ummm, yeah, they made $72 million this past fiscal year — number 2 wealthiest celebrity couple according to Forbes.
beans629 August 29, 2011, 5:49 pm
I’m glad that you like rap (not meant in a facetious tone) but I came from an era where rap music was actually rap music. It had a strong political and intelligent message behind it. It was a way that black America could express their oppression and frustration in a thought provoking way. You know…Eric B and Rakim, Public Enemy, MC Lyte, and Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five.
The music that Jay-Z and Nas puts out there is just crap at best and commercial brainwashing at worst. You know…bling bling this, my bitches&hoes this, my name brand that. So forgive me if I don’t really dig their message or style.
Actually, his message to the young black males that want to emulate him is frightfully horrible. He’s basically saying that your whole worth is tied to what you own and wear. If you don’t have some a car that cost more than most people make in a year…well you aren’t worth anything.
I get you may not be a male or black so you may take his music with a grain of salt but others don’t.
As for Beyonce’s female empowerment…that is laughable at best. Get up on TV and shaking your ass in barely there clothing is hardly female empowerment and encouraging young girls who emulate you to get themselves a ‘baller’ or a ‘thug’ is even farther from female empowerment. That’s just saying…’girl get you a man to buy you some shit while you’re still pretty enough to get a man’.
Don’t you find something incredibly wrong with a married woman singing a song called ‘Single Ladies’? Don’t get me wrong the beat was nice but it sends a mixed message to kids who really don’t know any better.
Honestly, Beyonce has done some pretty shady things in the music industry like require that she get credit for songs that she didn’t write, rip off ideas from other well known artist (Bob Fosse is the glaring example that I can think of), and basically contradict herself on statements that she made in earlier interviews.
But whatever…you are free to love Beyonce and Jay-Z as I am free to dislike the image they project.
Jena August 30, 2011, 11:41 am
You sound like a beautiful person, inside and out.
Actually, no, you don’t.
beans629 August 30, 2011, 12:05 pm
To be honest with you, I really don’t care what you personally think of me because if I really cared what you thought…we would be friends.
Emily August 30, 2011, 9:11 am
BeeZee or Jonce…. HA.
Budjer August 30, 2011, 9:20 am
Jonce is WAY too close to Jonsi (which I like).
Wendy's Dad August 30, 2011, 3:21 pm
Aw gee, I was hoping that the comments would stick with the naming issue. BTW, Wendy, I think you made a great choice with Jasper. Wait! What? You mean you didn’t take my advice? Oh well, I can’t pass on this opportunity to throw out some names that I have come across in my 41-year career as an educator. Early on, I had a student named Candy Box. Not weird at all, but kinda cute. But here are some doozies: How about “Your Majesty Highness”? When I heard that one, I said to the teacher, “You mean their last name is Highness, and the mother named him ‘Your Majesty’?” He said that the family name was Smith or something like that. When he questioned Mom, she said that she gave him that name so he’d have self-respect when he got older. I think he’d better develop a good right cross. He probably needed it.
There were dozens, if not hundreds of other different names (we were overseas after all, where foreign names sounded, well…foreign, to our American ears), but I need to pass on two favorites from Wendy’s aunt. She taught kindergarten. One year she had a student named Female, pronounced Fe-MAHL-ee. Mom said that she thought that the hospital staff had named her when they brought the baby to her in a bassinet with the word “Female” on the card.
And how about this gem: Vagina (pronounced Vuh-JEE-nah). The same aunt also had that student. I was afraid to ask for the story behind that one.
All in all, it makes Jasper sound like a pretty good choice.