Last night on the VMAs, Beyoncé announced that she and hubs, Jay-Z, are expectin’ a baby, which just goes to prove that Beyoncé and I have a ton in common: we’re both Virgos, we’re both married to 41-year-old hardcore Yankee fans, and we’re both knocked up! Why, we’re practically living identical lives. I’m not sure how far along Beyoncé is, but judging by her cute bump, I’d guess four months? Maybe four and a half? At any rate, I’m a few months ahead of her and so, since I’m such an old pro at this pregnancy thing by now, I’d like to offer her (and Jay-Z) and little advice.
My first bit of advice is for Jay-Z, actually, and it’s this: do whatever Beyoncé asks of you, whether it’s going out for a chocolate cake run, rubbing her feet, or booking another trip to St. Tropez. She’s doing the heavy lifting here and she’s not even going to be able to enjoy champagne on her 30th birthday next week — or at least not too much of it, anyway — so just suck it up and be there for her and do whatever she wants you to do. Also! And this is a big one, J — you’re gonna have to cut back on the amount of Yankee games you attend. Because when it’s, like, 9 PM and Beyoncé has to have a cheese danish, she’s not going to be too happy when you’re all the way up in the Bronx watching Jeter get his fifth hit of the night and not at home where she needs you to be. I know, I know, she has plenty of people who will run out and get a cheese danish or whatever else she wants, but trust me, that cheese danish will not taste as good or mean as much if it isn’t fetched by you, her baby-daddy. So, watch more games at home this season — at least until October, which is when things only start to get exciting anyway. It won’t kill you.
Now, Beyoncé, I know you’re a workaholic, but girl, you’re gonna have to start taking it easy. And that means cutting back on all that booty-shakin’, too. Booty-shakin’ is fun and it pays your bills and all, but it will also land you in the hospital if you aren’t careful. Take it from me: I am a booty-shaker like you — remember, we live practically identical lives — and I have ended up in the hospital twice already since getting knocked up because I just can’t stop shakin’ my booty. So, let’s try this together: less booty-shakin’ and more couch-surfin’. It’s for our babies’ own good!! (You can still shake your booty sometimes, just don’t go overboard.)
One more thing: you probably have some ideas for your baby’s name. Maybe you know your baby’s sex and you’ve even got THE name picked out. I’m sure it’s great. Whatever it is, it’s bound to be the most popular baby name of 2012, so you’ve already got that. But here’s the thing, everyone’s gonna have an opinion about it, so unless you want to hear what those honest opinions are, don’t share the name until after the baby comes. Because once the baby is here and named BeeZee or Joncé or whatever you’re gonna name it, no one will dare say it’s anything but the best damn name they’ve ever heard.
Now remember: despite the the insomnia, nausea, and, let’s face it, god-awful, stomach-churning, you-can’t-believe-it’s-coming-out-of-your-own-body gas, this is a wonderful and exciting time in your lives! Enjoy it. Enjoy these precious final months you have just the two of you before your life is filled with poopy diapers, sleepless nights, and unsolicited advice from people you’ve never heard of. Because life will never be the same again.