“I’m Afraid to Tell My Parents I’m Moving in With My Boyfriend”
The issue is my parents. They live across the country and are older, traditional, and very religious. You know the type – they would be horrified at the thought of my living with a man before I got married. What would people think? Sex before marriage is wrong! Etc. They adopted me when I was a baby, the three of us have always been very close, and I would hate to disappoint them. They are understandably very protective, and they have usually had a hand in my major life decisions. Furthermore, they are supporting me financially as I finish up this degree. I would have around six more months remaining at school at the time of my lease coming up.
I’ve spoken to my boyfriend about all of this and how much it concerns me. He has a good job and has offered to support me financially if my parents pull the plug on my funding. Honestly, I don’t think that they would stop paying for school but living expenses is a distinct possibility. I could easily get a part-time job and take longer finishing school, to make sure ends meet. I’m just trying to figure out how to make this process as minimally destructive to our relationship as possible.
I guess my biggest concern is how to have this conversation with them. I know it’s important to be calm, rational, and respectful. But frankly, I’m terrified. Boyfriend has offered to be part of that conversation and to explain to my parents that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I’m not sure if that will help or hurt. I feel like that, if I’m not mature enough to step up to the plate and tell my parents of my decision, I’m probably not mature enough to be thinking of getting married. I’ve made my decision about moving in with him, and I feel like that decision is based on both logic and love. I just need to work up the guts to do it. The advice of someone more experienced would be greatly appreciated here. — Scared to Talk to Parents
You sound like a very rational, smart woman with a good head on her shoulders, and I bet your parents are so proud of you. That doesn’t mean, however, that you’ve never disappointed them or that you won’t ever disappoint them in the future. Whether or not you move in with your boyfriend now or sometime before you actually get engaged or get married, you will probably at some point let your parents down in some way. There will be something they probably will wish you would have done differently or there will be some event or occasion or incident in your life they will wish had a different outcome. These things may even be totally out of your control. But that doesn’t mean your parents will be any less disappointed.
My point is, if you live your life trying to never ever disappoint Mom and Dad, you will fail. I suggest instead living the life that you think will lead you to the most satisfaction, fulfillment, and happiness. And it sounds like that’s what you’re doing. You know you want to live with your boyfriend and you’re ready for the potential effects of that decision; you just don’t know how to tell your parents.
Here’s what I suggest: call them up and tell them you have some important news. Tell them how grateful you are for the love and guidance they raised you with and that so much of the woman you are today is because of the kind of parents they were. Remind them of some of the values they instilled and the qualities they helped nurture, including independence and intelligence. And then tell them how lucky you feel that you have met someone who has fallen in love with those qualities and who has qualities you equally value. Tell them you know you want to spend your life with this person and you hope that, when you are both ready to make that commitment, your parents will embrace him and love him they way you hope his parents will embrace and love you. And then tell them that, for you, part of becoming ready for the commitment of marriage is living together and making sure you are compatible as domestic partners and to do that you plan to move in with him in a few months when your lease is up.
They will have a reaction, obviously. And you’ll have to be prepared for whatever immediate reaction they might have. But if they are good, loving parents, your decision will not ruin your relationship. They will eventually come around. Because as much as you don’t want to lose them, I’m sure they don’t want to lose you. But they will have to let go a little to keep you. Every parent does. And this is their time to let go a little more. Just hold your ground if it takes them awhile and remember: you are living YOUR life, and, if they want to be a part of it, they will have no choice but to accept the decisions you make.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at [email protected].
When I read this, I wanted to add to what Wendy said…
LW, I get that telling your parents is scary. I also get being raised in a more conservative or traditional household. And finally, I get being close to your parents and the last thing you want to do is disappoint them.
Just remember that it goes both ways. The disappointment that is. And they might do something one day to disappoint you. Heck, maybe their reaction to the news will be that day. But don’t underestimate the love you have for each other. Sure, things might go differently than your parents had planned, but from the way it sounds, they have your best interest at heart and will get over it. I promise you that parents who have good relationships with their children learn to change and adapt and will go on having good relationships with their children.
The LW is moving from a situation where she’s her parents’ financial dependent to one where she’s her boyfriend’s financial dependent. That’s not great. Living in a home that you are paying for and eating food that you are paying for and wearing clothes that you are paying for is also a very important box to check. In fact, I think it will ultimately be very important for your ability to go long-term.
I have started encouraging couples not to go straight from the parental home to the marital home, but to make sure that there’s at least a year of financial independence. One of the things to avoid is a situation in which it feels like the boyfriend is “dad,” which would be all kinds of weird.
Let dad be dad and let your boyfriend be your boyfriend.
Can you extend your l ease by 6 months? I personally would try to go that route and get graduating over with, than jump into this new relationship phase.
I agree with your suggestion to extend the lease six months and get graduation over with.
I would also add that why not get engaged before you decide to move in with him?
Parents should expect their child to differ in beliefs and values and be their own person. And many parents do come around even when they don’t always agree with their child’s choices. Like Wendy said, parents have to let go a little in order to keep you. You may be surprised, in a good way.
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It does make it trickier that you’re financially dependent on them. But even if they don’t support you, it sounds like you have a good fallback plan and the loving support of your boyfriend. I’m sure that even if they protest at first, if they’ve always been loving and supportive of you, then they will continue to do so.
LW, your belief system and your parents aren’t in sync since the moving in and sin thing are going to bother them and not you. Wendy is right, your parents want what is best for you.
What religious belief systems bring to the table is a scenario where families stable families are the outcome. In the case of religion people stayed together because they couldn’t leave. That’s harsh and does not always bring happiness to everyone.
I would remind your parent that both you, your boyfriend as well as your parents are after the same goal. A happy family that will last a lifetime. Today this isn’t done as it used to, and seeing the divorce rate not always done well, but you think that you are on the right path and that is another step bringing you closer to that goal.
If they push back hard, I would throw them a bone and promise no children before marriage.
LW, my situation was a lot like yours. I was really, really scared to tell my parents Dave and I planned on moving in together. What worked for me was telling them WAY in advance. I told them in December, and we didn’t move in together until August. My reasoning was that they would know that we were serious about this, that we’d thought it through and weren’t rushing into it or making decisions based on emotions alone.
I think you should just let them know what your plan is, say “this is what we’re thinking of doing, I just wanted to let you know”. This is not their decision to make, and if you’re prepared to deal with the financial complications that come from it, then go for it- You’re not doing anything wrong.
LW, have your parents met or spent any time with your boyfriend? Maybe it was in the letter, but I didn’t see. I can imagine conservative parents feeling better about this if they could observe with their own eyes that this is a good man who treats you well – not just hearing that he does. So maybe it takes more than 6 months for the parentials to get to know him well but staying in your own apartment month-to-month in order to nuture their relationship with him and smooth the way (to the living-together revelation, which I think you should both talk to your parents about together) would be both mature and kind.
Don’t underestimate a parents ability to understand and love you. Your old enough to know the risks of what your getting into and I’ll bet that they’ve already thought about ‘what if she does that’. They’re fully aware that society has changed since they we young and wanted to do the very same thing. They’ve loved you for 24 years, it’s not going stop them from continuing to do so. Moving in together BEFORE telling your parents might be a good idea. It eliminates their “If you do that, we’ll _____” response.
BRAVO! for having a plan if they do stop their financial support.
I needed to read this, too. After my boyfriend graduates, and after a summer of care-free fun to celebrate, I want to talk to him about moving in. At this point, I feel confident in our relationship, our status on Wendy’s list of 15 things to do before moving in, and my emotional readiness to take this step. More and more, I’ve just been longing for it. But the single BIGGEST, hugest thing holding me back is figuring out how to break it to my parents. They’re not even ultra-conservative; I just know that they’d be disappointed that we weren’t at least engaged before doing this. But I want to, and I’m ready. And I think he is too — we’ve talked about it in the general sense a lot, we just haven’t started to make concrete, dates-attached plans. I’m just nervous.
All this talk about people being afraid of telling their parents about moving in together reminded me that my parents were upset I waited until we were engaged to live together. They didn’t wait and they think that’s the “right” way. Like no matter what, I think it’s universal to either fear disappointing your parents or them actually feeling disappointed with various choices you make. But you just have to make the best choice for you and your parents will either accept it and support you or not. And most parents who are truly supportive will be there no matter what.
The best way to approach a difficult conversation is with confidence. If you’re confident in your decision, it will be easy to shield the disappointment from your parents. My recommendation in this particular scenario is to start talking about it with your parents before you actually decide to move in together. Tell them exactly why you think it’s a good idea. Mention the fact that he owns his own house. Ease them into it. They’ll be shocked at first- let them. If you’re confident about it, they will probably come around. It will at least be a lot easier to break the news later on.
Why do parents have to be so difficult about this? I genuinely hope things go well for you, all I’ll suggest is even if things go horribly wrong stick with what you want to do and explain that you are your own person. I have been told about a girl whose parents were very religious and when she told them she was in a relationship they have obviously practically disowned her.
From my own experience: I was going to move in with an ex boyfriend a few years back and my parents made my life miserable since. My mother actually called him on the phone, crying, begging him to “leave me alone”. We never moved in together. And yet I was often reminded how great they were for stopping me from doing something stupid.
I truly hope your experience is a lot better, my advice is just stick to what you know you want to do and be respectful when saying that this is your life and you need to be happy.
So, I’ll offer some differing advice. My friend had this situation come up, and while her initial reaction was to sit her mom down for a VERY SERIOUS conversation, I suggested the opposite. I don’t want to make parents sound like wild animals, but overbearing parents can sense weakness and, if they are the type to butt in, will try to use that to their advantage in order to change their child’s mind and get their way. My friend typically would engage her mom in these talks where she would think she was telling her mom something, but it very often came across as though she was asking for permission or accepting advice. When she started being more nonchalant about news and began telling her mom closer to the event, her mom seemed to realize that she was an adult who was informing her of nonnegotiable news and therefore spent less time fighting her.
Obviously, you have to decide what will work for your parents. But framing something as a super big deal may only just make them more stressed about it and feed into their anxiety.
NEWSFLASH: If you can’t pay your own way — you are NOT ready to move in with your boyfriend/girlfriend/whatever… Honestly? It’s really as simple as that. People should grow up first — then start playing house.
Do you think it’s the guy’s responsibility to speak to the woman’s parents about this?
LW, How severe have they been with you for any behavior they don’t like? Sometimes “if they are good, loving parents” is a gigantic if and I find that traditional, and especially religious traditional parents are less likely to fit that especially when it comes to relationships.
My philosophy is pick the battles where the reward of winning is greater than the cost. In your place I’d say in my apartment until school is through. I’d ask for a shorter lease if it ends before school and move out only after school’s out. A few more months of lease is a much smaller negative than potentially ruining your relationship with your parents before school ends, possibly affecting your grades with the move and stress and there’s even the possibility of you not living well with your bf causing you even more stress and less able to study. Yes, you can’t live your life dependent on your parents’ actions, but you haven’t been with this guy that long and have had little relationship experience prior. You aren’t even out of school. And living together often breaks relationships. It is not a small thing. The odds are against you moving in together smoothly. And you probably don’t even know what you like and dislike yet when living with a romantic interest. Also if you do have to renew for a full year and you only need say 3 months to finish school, then in those 9 months you can leave your bf’s house no problem. It’s actually a good safety net to have so it shouldn’t be seen as a huge negative. You can afford it so it’s just a few more normal months. And if he’s at all a good bf, he’ll support that. You are being very smart by living together before getting engaged and moving into a place where you aren’t part of the lease. That lets you get out easily need be. Living together is not easy. And neither are complicated family dynamics.
I am surprised Wendy didn’t say this and only a few commenters have mentioned it. LW, if you read these comments, do not go from being financially dependent on your parents to being financially dependent on a man. You need to be able to pay your own way before you move in with him or get married. You are young and many women your age think this advice is being “bitter” or that your boyfriend would never mistreat you. And maybe he won’t, but if a relationship goes bad when you’re financially dependent, it will go really bad, especially if you’ve compromised your relationship with your parents and especially if heaven forbid a child comes along. I don’t know what it will take for young women to take this seriously.
As someone who lived with multiple men before marriage, which I regret… There’s a reason God warns against premarital sex and it’s because it’s not good for the woman if she has a child with someone who isn’t committed to taking care of you… Also men can act like you owe them housekeeping and chef services in exchange for rent, which sounds great at first, but I think they lose respect for you in that position often. If you can wait until you at least have a well paying job and be able to leave if you need to, I think that’s better… It’ll just be a distraction from your studies honestly, save the ‘honeymoon phase’ for when you can really enjoy it, even if it’s before marriage… Also planning a wedding can bring out a lot of red flags, so I think it would be easier to notice those when you aren’t so enmeshed like you can get when living together.
My parents disowned me when I was 19 years old for “living in sin” with my boyfriend. I ended up having to pay for all of my schooling, undergraduate, masters as well as doctoral degrees. We remained estranged for many years, and my father never forgave me, although he did later on support my siblings through their schooling when, unmarried, they elected to live with their partners. I realized much later than it had less to do with religion and more to do with control. My father especially wanted to control me.