When we are together, he is always texting someone, and today I saw the name Heather. I know he has a lot of family members that he is really close to, and I don’t know all their names, so perhaps it’s one of them. I want so badly to ask him about it, but I also don’t want to be “that” girl who is so insecure that she has to do things like that. When we first got together, I told him I was scared because of my past, and he assured me that he’s been hurt also and would/could never hurt anyone in that way…but people change. He hasn’t shown any signs of cheating or not wanting to be with me anymore; I’m just scared.
So how can I get over this feeling? I know I should talk to him about it, but I have no idea how to even start a conversation like that, or what to say without coming across as crazy. Also, I want to tell him how much I care about him, and how much he means to me, but I am so afraid that I will say/do too much too soon and it might push him away. — Afraid of Being Cheated On
You know why you’re feeling a little crazy? Because this situation you’re in IS a little crazy. I mean, it’s been three months and you’re already thinking about how to give all of yourself to him? Honey, you should never give all of yourself to anyone, let alone some guy you’ve know for a handful of months. Really, if you don’t know all the names of his closest family members yet, then it’s especially inappropriate to be thinking about giving all of yourself to him. How about, oh I don’t know, focusing on getting to know him a little better before you totally dive in?
I get letters all the time from women like you who are afraid of being “that girl.” They are afraid of seeming like the crazy girlfriend. I’ve been there, too. I know what it feels like. And I understand how someone gets to that place where you’re constantly afraid of being hurt. That constant fear is often a warning sign. It’s your gut telling you something isn’t quite right. And a lot of times I think what isn’t quite right is the speed — the desperate speed — at which you want to claim someone as your own before you actually figure out whether you’re even a great match. You, specifically, sound like you’re in such a hurry to feel safe in a committed relationship that you are skipping over the part where you get to know this guy and decide if he’s even someone you should actually have a committed relationship with.
Frankly, if it were I and I had been dating a guy for just three months and whenever we were together he was “always texting someone,” I’d be like, “See ya.” At the very least, I’d ask him to put the phone down and pay some attention to me.
Why? Why are you so, so in love with someone who can’t even be bothered to put his damn phone down when he’s with you? That’s the real question here. Why are you so desperate to share your feelings with someone you don’t even seem to know very well (not well enough to know his close family member names, anyway)? Why are you so worked up over someone whose behavior toward you only makes you feel insecure and crazy? THAT’S the crazy party.
You aren’t crazy for worrying about being hurt; you’re crazy for thinking that this guy and your relationship is worth being so invested in at this point. You’re crazy for setting the bar so low. You’re crazy for thinking that this is love. Love isn’t being constantly afraid that your boyfriend of three months — who’s always texting someone when you’re together — is going to cheat on you. That isn’t love. Love is many things, but crazy desperation isn’t one.
Put the brakes on this relationship. S-L-O-W down. Find validation in your friendships and your family and your work and the things you do for other people. Instead of giving all of yourself over to this guy, give about 10% or 15% for now and let him earn more. You want to know how to stop feeling so crazy and clingy? Don’t ever give more of yourself to a potential mate than he or she has shown s/he deserves. It’s really that simple.Period.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.
AmyP November 6, 2013, 9:28 am
WWS. The texting part would drive me nuts.
Heather might even be his mom, though.
theattack November 6, 2013, 10:30 am
That would almost be a deal breaker for me if someone called his mom by her first name.
bethany November 6, 2013, 10:37 am
I call my mom by her first name almost exclusively! It started as a joke, but now it’s past the point of no return. I think she likes it though.
theattack November 6, 2013, 10:41 am
Wow, she likes when you call her by her first name? That’s pretty interesting. At what age did you start doing that? I thought parents as a group always hated it (which is the only reason I wouldn’t like a boyfriend calling his parents that, because it would be disrespectful if they didn’t want to be addressed that way).
bethany November 6, 2013, 10:57 am
Probably in my mid-late 20’s? My mom’s name is Mary, and my dad always calls her Mare, so I started calling her Mare in a joking/mocking my dad kind of way, and it stuck. I call her “mom” about 25% of the time? I’m pretty sure she likes it, because she sometimes signs cards/emails as Mare.
Kelly L. November 6, 2013, 10:45 am
She could be called that in his phone without him even calling her that. My mom is in my phone as “Ann Smith” instead of Mom, I’m not even sure why I did it that way but I don’t call her Ann when I actually talk to her.
katie November 6, 2013, 10:52 am
yea, i dont think you can take a name in a phone as a blatant disrespect of a person…
i mean, i dont have my boyfriend in my phone as “lovah &hearts” or whatever, but its just a phone, and if you have business contacts in your phone- holy shit will you very quickly put everyone in your phone with first and last names.
theattack November 6, 2013, 10:53 am
Yeah, that’s different. I just said if he calls his mom that.
Lemongrass November 6, 2013, 11:41 am
I used to have my husband in my phone as ‘big stud’ until I was driving with his mom and he called me and it came up on the call display.
becboo84 November 6, 2013, 11:02 am
Excellent point! Both of my parents are listed in my phone by their names. I used to have my dad listed as “dad,” but then, I started accidentally calling him when I meant to call my husband b/c I’d be with my daughter, and she’d want to call her dad, and I’d get all confused 🙂
honeybeenicki November 6, 2013, 11:21 am
I have both of my parents in my phone as their names too… mostly because then it syncs up with my facebook 😛
othy November 6, 2013, 12:19 pm
I keep my parents listed as “Mom” and “Dad” in my phone, because if I was ever in an accident, I’d want the responders to easily find/call them (Mr. Othy is listed as my emergency contact in my phone, but it’s nice to have backups).
honeybeenicki November 6, 2013, 3:40 pm
I put “ICE” in front of my mom and husband’s names. Some PD’s don’t allow officers to look in phones without permission, but those who do often look for ICE first.
gatecrashergirl November 6, 2013, 12:21 pm
My mom is in my phone under her proper name too … with the nickname tagged as mom. You’re not alone Kelly!
MMcG November 6, 2013, 1:31 pm
I often call my parents by their first names… depends on the situation but not a dealbreaker by any stretch. It started out among my friends group around 8th grade when we were trying to be cool and older (and yes the parents hated it) but then took off for real after college. There are some parents that I still would call Mr. or Mrs., but for the most part I refer to them as fellow adults by their first names and my friends definitely refer to my parents by their first names in conversation and to their faces.
MsMisery November 6, 2013, 2:05 pm
I call my dad’s family members (excluding my dad) by their first names. Not “grandma,” not aunt or uncle so-and-so, just Name. My dad calls his parents by their name so it was never weird to me -well, until I grew up enough to realize almost no one else did this- but by then it was too late to stop.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 11:19 am
I’ve got my mother under her real name. Someone told me that was a smart idea in case your phone gets nicked.
Fabelle November 6, 2013, 11:46 am
My mom told me to list everyone under their relationship to you—in case you are hurt or something, & then the police/emergency personnel know who to call on your phone. So she has my dad in her phone as “husband”, so in case anything happens, they know to call “husband”. (Morbid, but she’s also the person who always tells me to wear nice underwear in case I’m in an accident & they have to cut off my clothes or something??)
Nookie November 6, 2013, 11:50 am
Oh nuts, that’s actually super clever. Do you think the paramedics will know that they should call ‘Buckaroo Von Smelly’ if I’m unconscious?
rainbow November 6, 2013, 12:14 pm
That’s exactly why I had my mother as Nora when I still had her in my phone. I had a close friend listed as my emergency contact and I didn’t want anybody going against my wishes and calling my mother instead.
redessa November 6, 2013, 12:36 pm
Yes. I left my purse in a shopping cart one time and when I went back for it, it was gone. The person who took it stole all the cash (right down to the loose change) and dumped the purse (with everything else still in it) in a gas station bathroom. The person who found it looked through my phone and called the number listed for “Dad” figuring it was a safe bet that this was someone who would know how to reach me to let me know my purse had been found and where to come get it. If I’d had him listed by his name, who knows who they would have ended up calling instead. I have some people in there, as I’m sure we all do, that wouldn’t know another way to get ahold of me.
Copa November 6, 2013, 12:50 pm
One of my friends once got into a car accident — the kind that involved her vehicle overturning several times in an intersection — and though she was relatively unharmed (bruised & shaken up, but no serious injuries luckily), she said the worst part of the whole ordeal was feeling embarrassed of the underwear she had on. Sometimes I think about that when I’m wearing underwear I don’t feel proud of, haha.
rainbow November 6, 2013, 1:50 pm
My grandmother used to tell me “You’re going out wearing that old rag under your clothes??? Girl! What if there’s an accident?!?” when I was a kid.
I always thought it was insane and hilarious. I guess I’d owe her an apology.
Morgan November 6, 2013, 1:30 pm
That’s why you put whoever you want called as ICE or EC or something. For example, I love my mom, but if something were to happen to me is want my boyfriend and my Dad called, my boyfriend because that’s who I live with, and my dad because he’s better at not panicking and usually easier to reach. So they have ICE after their names.
MMcG November 6, 2013, 1:37 pm
That’s what the ICE listings are for in my phone! There is a separate category in my new phone, but in my old one I had specific contacts listed as ICE1 ICE2 for just that purpose.
rieux November 6, 2013, 1:09 pm
Yeah, I had a guy find my phone once (I’d left it in a cab) and call my mother to offer to give it back, referring to her as “Mommy” throughout the entire conversation. She was like, um, stop it, I’m not YOUR Mommy (yes I still call her that oh well). Also he never gave the phone back after all, making the whole thing slightly creepier.
Ever since then she’s been stored as her full name.
MsMisery November 6, 2013, 2:09 pm
This made me lulz.
SasLinna November 6, 2013, 9:42 am
WWS. LW, it sounds like you’re longing for a state of total safety and bliss (in union with another person) that’s just not attainable, much less after 3 months of being with someone. Anytime you get involved with another person you run the risk of being disappointed, that’s part of life. There’s always a need to find a balance between trusting and “giving yourself” and retaining your ability to function independently of others, even those you love the most.
katie November 6, 2013, 9:52 am
“Love is many things, but crazy desperation isn’t one.” — LOVE IT.
LW, real life is not all the movies and all the princesses and all the stupid bullshit we were fed as kids and teens. its just not. and the more you try to force that, to fight against what would otherwise feel comfortable and healthy, the more you will make yourself crazy.
also, can i just say i *hate* the phrase “giving all of myself to him/her”? hate it. so much. so gross.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 11:20 am
I agree. In my head, I picture someone handing over their intestines. ‘Here’s all of me!’
GatorGirl November 6, 2013, 11:41 am
Just out of curiosity, why do you hate the phrase?
I personally think it can mean a myriad of things, and each person would have a very individual interpretation.
katie November 6, 2013, 11:43 am
it implies ownership, for one thing. and also, like wendy said, its never healthy to give all, 100%, of yourself to anyone. never. thats never a good thing.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 11:52 am
WKS. And also, I feel like there should always be a bit of me that’s just for me. You know? Outside a relationship.
GatorGirl November 6, 2013, 11:53 am
Does it imply ownership if both people in the relationship see themselves as giving all of them to their partner?
theattack November 6, 2013, 12:01 pm
ehh, I can see why someone might interpret it that way, but I just don’t. People use the phrase here “I’ll give my all to Tennessee (football) today.” Which is freaking stupid if you ask me, but it’s the same thing to me. It just means you’re giving your 100% best effort toward something, and it also means that your intentions aren’t conflicted. You don’t let part of your heart go to Alabama football or your ex-boyfriend if you’re giving your all (or all of yourself) to Tennessee or to your new special lovaahh. It’s not to the exclusion of what you give to yourself, IMO.
At the same time I would never say that myself, so I have no dog in this fight.
GatorGirl November 6, 2013, 12:06 pm
That’s exactly what I mean about interpretation/personal meaning. I would say I “give all of myself to GGuy” in that all of my romantic and life partner feelings/thoughts/etc are dedicated to and directed towards him. It doesn’t mean, to me, that I like give him control over my actions.
I guess I just take a loose meaning to the phrase. (and I’m also not trying to fight, I just wanted to understand the rational behind it being “gross” to some.)
Nookie November 6, 2013, 12:13 pm
Yeah but (and also not trying to cause an argument), by saying I give all of my romantic feelings to GGuy you’re still not saying that you give all of yourself to him, just the bit that should be spent (given) on him. Right? You still have yourself, you’re just reflecting out your emotions to him.
theattack November 6, 2013, 12:18 pm
Not that you asked me, but that’s how I interpret the phrase. It’s just not quite so literal to me that I give ALL of myself to my husband and leave none for anything else. To me it means that you give your 100% best effort at that relationship, but your 100% at the relationship isn’t the same thing as your 100% of your life. Maybe your relationship is 30% of your whole, so to me the phrase means you give 100% of that 30%.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 12:37 pm
100% agree, you give your best efforts to your relationship. And to some people, they would say ‘I give all of myself’. But to me, that just says that everything in you worth having is given away. I happily share my life with the Cockney but there are private things I don’t, those things are for me. The good and the bad.
GatorGirl November 6, 2013, 12:18 pm
Honestly, I don’t even know what “having myself” means. Our lives are so intertwined…this whole subject is bazar to me. Maybe the LW meant what I mean?
GatorGirl November 6, 2013, 12:22 pm
Also, in conversation or like a letter to Wendy- I don’t think I would put the quantifier “I give all of my romantic self” or what ever. I’d just say “all of myself”. I don’t think I would use the phrase ever, I just think saying a phrase is gross, with out knowing the authors meaning, is silly. It’s not like she said she wanted to be submissive or something with a very clear definition, it’s a phrase that can be interpreted.
katie November 6, 2013, 12:41 pm
yea, see, that would make sense to me. and i get the whole “giving 100% of my romantic self to you/giving 100% to my relationship”. but thats not what she said, she said “give everything of myself to him”. that has some pretty strong implications, in my opinion. and its problematic anyway because women are *always* conditioned to give of themselves (their energy, their time, whatever) and there is never any left for the woman.
i think its culturally problematic in addition to being problematic for this particular LW.
theattack November 6, 2013, 12:51 pm
I definitely agree that it’s problematic for this LW because it’s too early for her to even be giving 100% of her romantic self, IMO.
AliceInDairyland November 6, 2013, 12:34 pm
Consenting Dom/Sub relationship. Boom.
TECH November 6, 2013, 9:59 am
I love every part of Wendy’s response. It should be required reading for people who find themselves getting too wrapped up and too invested in a relationship quickly (most of us have been there.)
I especially love the part where Wendy said “let him earn more.”
bethany November 6, 2013, 10:40 am
WWS. At 3 months, you should still be getting to know someone, not giving them your all.
And why don’t you just ask him who he’s texting all the time? When my husband is texting, I’ll ask him who he’s talking to. It’s not accusatory or controlling to ask him who he’s texting. If the doorbell rang and he went to answer it, I’d ask him who was at the door when he came back. It seems like SO many people make simple conversations into a really, really big deal when they don’t need to be.
Jess November 6, 2013, 10:42 am
Wendy’s advice is really refreshing and definitely something LW should hear and heed. Reframing the question into “is this person right for me?” is a really powerful tool for those who are consumed by fear of rejection.
However, I disagree that LW is crazy and I am uncertain if the boyfriend is no good. LW says that he’s great and the one complaint is him texting too much –which is a pretty common habit of people under age 30 (heck, I’m on my phone too much too and I’m 37).
I think these fears are pretty normal.And when LW talks about “giving everything” I think she is referring to her worry that her fears will stick around indefinitely and prevent her from being able to truly get to know this person. I also think you can have a pretty good idea about a person and the potential of a relationship after 3 months. I’m not advocating a warp-speed approach —I think those types of beginnings often burn up quick— but I think 3 months is long enough that you might recognize if you have something special and that’s precisely when the fear kicks in.
Not sure if I’ve articulated my points well but it’s just my 2 cents. I don’t disagree with Wendy’s advice –but I guess I just see LW’s worries as less an indicator of insanity and more a product of being caught in the moment. A little perspective will go a long way. I’d advise LW to get some distance and, as Wendy suggests, reconnect with friends, family, hobbies. Do things that remind you how valuable you are. Then stop worrying about him cheating and start focusing on the good. Romantic love always involves fear and a leap of faith. Balancing that with rational thinking is one of life’s great challenges.
muchachaenlaventana November 6, 2013, 10:57 am
Also, I personally think when you are in the right relationship a lot of theses issues just fall away. I dated one guy a year, it was wrong the whole time and I was a mess of anxiety/doubt/fear that he would cheat and I didn’t trust him etc. We broke up, thank goodness but I ended that relationship thinking I had all of these issues and would never trust someone. Then I met someone who I really clicked with, and things were so easy, and I trusted him immediately, and it felt so right that I realized even if you like someone you could be forcing something that just isn’t right for you (as I had done previously). Listen to those feelings, life is too short to drive yourself crazy over a relationship that just isn’t a good fit, regardless of how great the guy is.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 11:26 am
I gotta disagree. I’m really happy things worked out for you in such a great way but it’s not always that easy. A friend of mine feels that ‘everything falls away with the right person’ and she’s constantly single, I think that’s kind of unrealistic. I come into my relationships with my baggage from before and so does the other person, I think what it really boils down to is if two people can work through those things (separately and together) and still want to be together.
I’m not trying to be horrible, just my opinion from a long road of introspection and counselling.
SasLinna November 6, 2013, 11:26 am
Hmm, I think it’s a bit dangerous to argue that there will be no anxiety if the relationship is right. If you’re an anxious person, you’re going to be anxious even if things are going well.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 11:48 am
Hallo, I’m an anxious person. Nice to meet you. 🙂
muchachaenlaventana November 6, 2013, 12:14 pm
Yeah I agree but there are different types of anxiety. I am an anxious person, like seriously anxious and have been through a lot of counseling for it but a lot of people don’t realize the not-normal level of anxiety they face in relationships may not only have to do with someone being an anxious person. Yes- it is my personal experience because I have been in situations where I was this girl. Had extreme trust issues, but really liked someone who was a great guy, loved him and kept wondering what was wrong with me. I started counseling, and thought I was just an f’ed up baggage-ridden mess but the reality (For me) was when I ended up with someone (not even someone I married or got engaged to or whatever) in a situation that was right the majority of the really bad anxiety and doubting of myself and him and feelings that I had always felt in most relationships were not there. I have had this happen in dating two guys at the same time: one turned me into this skitzo girl who doubted every text I sent and I would spend hours dissecting the little things and what he meant or didn’t and if he cared for me, and the other guy I just felt so natural with and everything was great and I realized shit, it doesn’t have to be like that. Yes I still had the base level anxiety I always carry around with me, but a lot of the excess shit was gone. just my opinion, and two cents. Everyone is different though so I am not trying to say its a one size fits all thing. I just used to beat myself up about it like this LW is doing, and that was just as unhealthy as the stress I was putting myself through with the relationship anxiety. Sometimes its worth it to step back and reexamine things, especially if after three months she is already this stressed out.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 12:47 pm
Sure, I completely see what you’re saying. But you are acknowledging that some of that anxiety came from you and some of it came from the relationship right? And isn’t it true that we look for people that we can work out our own emotional baggage with, be it in a good way or a bad way?*
As an anxious person, I know when my friend tells me that all the troubles melt away after you meet the right person (the person she has yet to meet) it really… gets me. Because regardless of how good the person I’m with is, I’m still going to deal with my own stuff and it’s going to take a toil on the relationship. It just remains to be seen if the person I’m with can deal with those past issues and if I can learn from my own patterns. I have no idea what this has to do with the LW.
*So my counsellor told me. 😉
Christy November 6, 2013, 12:28 pm
For real. My girlfriend is great. Our relationship is healthy. And we still have to have a rule that I’m not allowed to dump her without talking to her about the issue first. She still has to remind me that yes, there are a lot of couples who should break up over an unsolvable issue that they keep ignoring or trying to fix, but they generally TRY to solve the issue before breaking up.
It has taken me two years to get to a place where I’m not convinced that we’re going to have to break up over ____ issue or _____ issue. TWO YEARS. The rule has helped, definitely. And the anxiety is going down, and I’m getting better at recognizing the anxiety at work. (Yay, therapy!)
And this relationship is right. But I think the idea that a relationship can be “right” and stress-free is one that’s toxic to worriers and anxiety-sufferers. Because then you’re worrying about worry. “Oh man, I’m worrying about the relationship. That’s a bad sign. I shouldn’t be worrying.” It’s a terrible cycle.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 12:50 pm
I’m so glad for you Christy, that sounds great and I’m so glad your anxiety is easing off.
I’m going through a bit of a rough patch, maybe why I was quick to say something here, but I hope to see light at the end of the tunnel too.
muchachaenlaventana November 6, 2013, 2:10 pm
ya i see your point. the anxiety i am referring to i guess is different, because like my normal anxiety about life is that everything is going to go wrong and every situation i am in inspires just a baseline level of anxiety that i have more or less learned to quell (so healthy), so for me if i am in a relationship thoughts of “we are going to break up etc.” are normal? but not normal is constantly thinking someone is cheating, or wanting to know who they are texting, or being anxious when they aren’t always in contact, or thinking they are lying about where they are etc.–>when i felt this and tried to explain it away as my own anxiousness, it had a lot more to do with the guy i was with (he was such a good guy too so it made it really confusing and hard for me). i didn’t mean to say when you find the right person it all just melts away necessarily, but i do think its possible to be more comfortable with some people who are maybe just a better fit regardless-be it like christy or you that they help you through your anxiety, or like me where i just didn’t have that anxiety anymore for whatever inexplicable reason (they provided someone the things missing with the previous person)? idk its interesting to think about and off topic but yeah i think anxiety takes a lot of different forms for everyone.
Nookie November 7, 2013, 6:20 am
It is super interesting! And also, that our anxieties manifest themselves in so many ways? One thing I’ve learnt from DW is that while I’ve always known we all have our own troubles to deal with, the way they effect our lives is very different.
I just know (for me exclusively), I have those unhealthy thoughts about distrust and insecurity often. And the really tough part is it’s not about my partner at all, it’s about me and my past, so never will these issues disappear with a certain person.
cdobbs November 6, 2013, 10:59 am
LW i understand what you are feeling completely….if there was ever two emotions i could burn out of my brain it would be jealousy and insecurity…..but its no way to live in constant fear that someone will hurt you (i know easier said than done)….the worst part is the tighter you try to hold on to someone the more you will end up pushing them away (the exact thing you don’t want to do!)…..also at this stage of the relationship you should be having fun and getting to know each other…..living in fear is no way to go through life, so relax and enjoy the moment….if god forbid something bad does happen, at least you can say you tried your best and it wasn’t your insecurity that ended the relationship….chin up and know that you aren’t the only one who feels this way 😀
Bittergaymark November 6, 2013, 11:07 am
Eh, I dunno. With a serious disease like cystic fibrosis, isn’t it possible he is simply texting somebody about how he is feeling?
kerrycontrary November 6, 2013, 11:13 am
You know, this is actually a good point. This could be someone from a support group or a friend he met through a cystic fibrosis foundation. A lot of people who chronic illnesses or suffering from cancer have friends check in on them at certain times of the day to make sure they are ok/conscious.
Sue Jones November 6, 2013, 11:36 am
Also, another wiser perspective is that if you are too clingy too early in the relationship, the other person will feel smothered and WILL bail on you. You will end up creating a reality you did not want. So WWS. Chill out and slow it down and let him EARN your love and trust.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 11:45 am
Three months is a bit soon to be feeling all loved up like this but maybe you’re young or wear your heart on your sleeve? 100% WWS, get out and do things for you that don’t involve your relationship – you’re putting too much pressure on it too early and he hasn’t really had a chance to show that he deserves so much of your love yet. I get that after being hurt in other relationships, this one must feel precious but YOU are what is previous to you, take care of you first.
As someone who constantly struggles with these kind of feelings in relationships as well, I feel for you. Love can be a wonderful but scary thing, learn how to reassure yourself when those feelings pop up and don’t be afraid to ask. Don’t be horrible about it but tell him you’re curious to who he’s texting, it’s not a big thing and you’ll probably find it’s nothing. If you’re feeling insecure, just say it aloud without anger – it takes a lot of vulnerability which is hard, but the rewards you’ll find are worth it for putting your heart out there. Good luck!
Lemongrass November 6, 2013, 11:46 am
I thinks that you could really benefit from some therapy. It would help you work through your anxieties and fear of being cheated on, help you move forward from your past relationships and learn the signs of a healthy relationship. Good luck
landygirl November 6, 2013, 12:21 pm
Desperation won’t lead to happiness, it will lead to misery. Maybe you should seek therapy, LW, because you have serious self esteem issues.
sarolabelle November 6, 2013, 12:22 pm
So I was dating my now husband 3 years ago “officially” for 2 months and 2 weeks (unofficially for 3 months 2 weeks) when Thanksgiving came and we celebrated it at my family’s house. It was his first time meeting my family and it was Thankgiving!
He spent most of the time on his cell phone playing a cell phone game. I was so freaking mad. I was like “who is this guy? He is so rude, playing a cell phone game.”
So on our way back to my house I told him “you know I think it was really rude of you to play a cell phone game during Thanksgiving while my family is trying to get to know you. You could have put it down for a little bit. I’m not happy about this and why were you playing that game and not participating?” And he was all like “I have ADHD and I need to do something with my hands and mind and a lot of Thanksgiving was talking and I had nothing else to do. I’m sorry” He apologized over and over and he toned down the cell phone games in future holidays but that was one of our big hurdles to get over. He still plays with his phone all the time. But just something you got to accept. I noticed he can play Candy Crush and watch TV at the same time and not miss anything on the TV. So he is engaged with everything at the same time. It’s pretty cool. I love him, though it is kind of annoying sometimes.
rachel November 6, 2013, 12:27 pm
Haha, I play Candy Crush while I watch tv. I kind of hate myself for it. But I can’t seem to just do one thing at a time.
bethany November 6, 2013, 12:42 pm
I play CC while watching TV, too! Stupid level 108 has me stuck!
rachel November 6, 2013, 1:20 pm
Oh god, you don’t even want to know what level I’m on. It’s embarrassing how much I play that stupid game.
honeybeenicki November 6, 2013, 3:51 pm
I am on 310 now and when I tell people they stare at me like I’m stupid. But I happen to know there are certain DW people who are ahead of me 😛
kare November 6, 2013, 11:11 pm
One of my coworkers finished all the levels. I uninstalled the app after I got stuck on a level for 2 weeks because I refuse to spend money, alter my phone clock, etc. My coworker said she probably spent about $200 total.
rachel November 7, 2013, 12:17 am
When I first started playing it, I bought the tickets because I didn’t realize how many other people I knew played, but that probably only added up to 10 bucks or so.
AliceInDairyland November 6, 2013, 12:37 pm
Maybe he should get into knitting… I love knitting and watching TV and would love to knit and talk to people at social events. I have a hard time just… sitting there socializing.
Lyra November 6, 2013, 2:20 pm
Alice, whenever you’re in the Twin Cities, let’s get together and have knitting/crocheting parties. 🙂
Miel November 6, 2013, 1:40 pm
One of my friend has ADHD and she’s always on facebook or something while we’re in class, but on top of that she pays attention to the lecture and takes way better notes than me, even if 100% of my attention is on the lecture. Some people are like that…
sarolabelle November 7, 2013, 10:05 am
That is exactly like he is!
gatecrashergirl November 6, 2013, 12:23 pm
I think the LW needs some single time to recover from her past relationship(s). Maybe a therapist for her trust issues? She’s spending more time worrying about whether she’s going to get hurt instead of whether he’s even right for her long term!
I also second Wendy’s thing about the phone. Someone who is constantly on their phone when they’re with me is a total deal-breaker.
Lily in NYC November 6, 2013, 12:30 pm
I spent my 20s trying not to be “that girl”. And you know what I became in my quest to be the cool, laid-back girlfriend? A doormat. And one that guys eventually lost interest in because I was too easy-going and malleable. Change plans last minute to hang out with guy friends? I’d say – no worries, have fun! Blow off a family event that I asked him to attend? Oh, it’s ok honey, I don’t mind. Sound familiar? I finally realized no one wants a woman who can’t stand up for herself or verbalize her needs. TELL him how you feel. Don’t be scared of getting abandoned – what is more likely to happen is that you will gain confidence and that naturally leads to becoming more appealing to others. And What Wendy Said, seriously.
BreezyAM November 6, 2013, 12:34 pm
I’m surprised no one has touched on “how much of this is about you worrying about him ‘leaving’ due to his chronic, incurable, eventually fatal, condition?” I’m not saying it IS. But… I dunno. Seems most people with CF die rather young. I know I’m going to get every tomato in the world thrown at me for this, but after going through a ton of hurt in my life already I just wouldn’t be up for that. I don’t get the point of getting all invested in someone you know isn’t going to have much time with you. FTR after losing my mom, my former MIL who I adored with all my heart, and a horrid falling out with my adopted mom, I’m kind of this way with my MIL now. She’s miffed we aren’t super close and I’m like “meh I think we can be just friends”. Sorry I can’t go through that again. One person can only take so much.
beelzebarb November 6, 2013, 4:39 pm
I’m surprised by that too, actually. No tomato throwing from me!
starpattern November 6, 2013, 12:42 pm
So, just for perspective, I was pretty anxious about my current relationship at about the 2-3 month mark? I was starting to feel Serious Feelings, he was laid off, it was kind of a stressful time and I just plain worry a lot. And then… it passed. We continued to get to know each other, and get comfortable in the routine of being in a relationship, and I don’t really worry anymore. I say that to say – sometimes worriers worry for the sake of worrying. Even if it’s right, sometimes you’re going to worry anyway (this has been a theme through my entire life).
LW, I think two things will help you:
1. Spend some time reflecting and remembering that you cannot control the future, and therefore shouldn’t try to deal with it before it gets here. He is giving you no indication now that he is cheating, right? Well, then don’t drive yourself nuts with the “what-ifs.” Just say, “Who ya talking to?” next time he’s texting someone, and ask him to set aside time for dinner with no phones every once in a while (I do this with my boyfriend because we are both glued to our tech 24/7).
2. Get some space! Take a weekend trip. Go visit some friends. Heck, just take a day and do something you enjoy that he doesn’t necessarily care for. You’re probably at the point in your relationship where you want to spend every spare second with your boyfriend, but it will be good for you to do your own thing every once in awhile. Remember to put some of your energy into your friendships and family relationships.
Good luck, LW.
Nookie November 6, 2013, 12:55 pm
‘You cannot control the future’. I might get this tattooed on my forehead, backwards, so I can read it in the mirror. It’s true, a lot of anxiety (for me anyways) is not being able to control outcomes.
starpattern November 6, 2013, 5:38 pm
For me, too. It’s always a conscious effort to put those kinds of thoughts aside.
mylaray November 6, 2013, 1:10 pm
I agree with Wendy with everything she said. But, I also wonder if your anxiety and craziness has something to do with his cystic fibrosis. My fiancé has a rare genetic disorder that is very scary and disabling at times. I remember when we first started dating, our relationship was more serious from the start, and it drove me crazy with anxiety. While I didn’t have anxiety about who he was texting, I wondered where he was and if he was okay a ton in those first few months, before I really understood his disorder and what to be afraid of, and what not to be afraid of. For a variety of reasons, it was important to decide early on whether or not this was someone I could potentially stick with for life, and that I wasn’t fooling myself in how much of a third wheel his disorder can be. I got anxiety about him having a shorter lifespan, and that’s also something very true with cystic fibrosis. So when I started really feeling something for my fiancé, I went crazy and we had to really discuss and communicate my fears. It can be really, really difficult to be with someone who has so many medical issues, and so I do wonder if your insecurities and anxieties are popping up now because of that. That’s what it seems like to me.
TECH November 6, 2013, 1:36 pm
Yeah, I guess I just found it odd that the LW mentioned the Cystic Fibrosis at the start of the letter. I thought she mentioned it because she wanted to reinforce how dedicated she is to her boyfriend. I don’t see how him having Cystic Fibrosis is related to cheating at all. Although I can completely understand why the LW might be afraid of losing him due to health issues.
mylaray November 6, 2013, 3:59 pm
I just think her insecurities and fears of being cheated on or losing him in some way have to do with his CF and the unknowns that come with something like that. Maybe not entirely, but I think it’s a part of it.