When we first got together, we had an open relationship. He wasn’t particularly interested in dating or sleeping around, but I had just gotten out of long relationship and I really just wanted to see what was out there. I quickly fell in love with him, but I wanted to feel single, and I was honest about that. I had a history of cheating, and wondering what else was out there and I was determined to find out. Around eight or nine months in, I decided I was ready to fully commit to him, and I told him that I was ready to be monogamous.
Well, here I am three months out from a wedding to this wonderful man, and I’m wondering if that’s actually true. I meant it completely when I said it, but I’m not certain I’ll actually be able to keep it up. I don’t want another boyfriend and I don’t want to be truly polyamorous; I just want the freedom to pursue and satisfy my sexual curiosity when I meet someone I’m attracted to. I want my soon-to-be husband to have all my heart and soul, and access to my body whenever he wants it. I don’t know if this desire is out of line or selfish, but it’s the conclusion I’ve come to. I guess my question is, how do I ask for this? Is this something I should pursue at all, or should I just let this go and be satisfied that I get to marry the love of my life? Is there any way for me to suggest this without breaking my darling man’s heart? Is there any good time for this talk, or is pretty much any time equally bad?
I’ve had one person say that this conversation needs to happen before the wedding, sooner rather than later. Another has said that me wanting to sleep with other people is the last thing my fiance needs to be thinking about when we say our vows and that I should wait until after. I would very much appreciate any advice you could provide. — Sexually Curious Bride
You sleeping with other people may be the last thing your fiance wants to hear just before your wedding, but it’s the first thing he needs to hear. I’m sure on some level you know that, but you’re afraid that if you come clean, you’ll risk him deciding he doesn’t want to marry someone who isn’t sure she can be monogamous. And make no bones about it: that is a very real risk. But it would be dishonest of you to keep your feelings a secret and marry him knowing what you know about yourself. Your fiance may decide he’s OK marrying you despite your desire to sleep with other people, but he deserves to make that decision will a full disclosure from you before you walk down the aisle.
I do not suggest sweeping this under the rug and trying to be satisfied with “marrying the love of your life,” as you say. You have a history of cheating, and given that your husband-to-be doesn’t fulfill your sexual needs and you’re already questioning whether you can remain faithful to him, it’s only a matter of time before you cheat again. Why go into a marriage with the deck stacked so high against you like that? It isn’t fair to you and it most certainly isn’t fair to your fiance. And if breaking his heart is what concerns you, just imagine how broken it will be when he learns of his wife’s infidelity. At least a broken engagement is much easier to get over than a cheating wife and broken marriage.
As for when to bring this up to him, there’s no time like the present. Simply sit him down and tell him that before you commit your lives to each other, there’s something you need to tell him that may affect his decision to marry you. Explain to him how much you love him and how you want nothing more to grow old with him, except maybe to grow old with him and to bone everybody to your heart’s content on the side. Tell him that while you meant it when you said you could be monogamous, on second thought, you aren’t so sure you do. Ask him if there’s any way he would consider an open marriage where he has sole dibs on your heart and soul and first dibs on your body, but everyone else can have a piece, too. If he’s open to that, great. And if not, then you may lose the love of your life, but you’ll gain sexual freedom forever and ever.