New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. If you don’t find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.
He had said a few months prior that he couldn’t have sex with his wife while she was pregnant because it felt as though there was someone between them. So I figured that he just didn’t love her enough to get past her belly. Another time he complained that she was sooo emotional and critical at home. That’s when I started feeling bad for him and wanted to make him happy. When he met her, they were quick with everything: moved in with each other after 6 months, married a year later and had a baby during their first year of their marriage. His wife’s biological clock was ticking and she wanted to hurry and have kids. So I had it in my head that he’s just not really in love with her. I was like that with my husband, too, but we grew to love each other and it worked out and they will probably work out fine, too.
So… I tried a few times to distance myself from my boss, but it’s hard because we work so closely together. When I told him my feelings, he told me, “I …I can’t say anything…because of my position here. I hope that you understand.” I’m not sure what he meant by that. Was he trying to say that he feels the same way but can’t because of his position as my boss? Then he kept saying that he was married with a baby, and questioned why I was telling him this. He then said that he understands that married people have crushes on other people and that we are higher animals because we can choose to be with one person. Then he said, “Wow, you really threw the ball in my court, didn’t you?!” Then he smiled.
Four years ago, he was single and I had taken my wedding ring off to get it resized. I joked with another co-worker that I was single. He overheard that and said, “Oh, good! Now I can take you out on a date!” He would, on occasion, brush stuff off my face, and, if someone complimented my work, he would light up. I had the feeling that he liked me a lot.
He still admires my work and expressed to me that he didn’t want me to leave just because of my feelings. He said that I was too valuable. I was flattered but then hurt because he seemed to not feel the same way about me. He seemed to not be bothered at all by what I said to him. He was more interested in my working there than anything else. But I keep thinking of him saying that he couldn’t say anything and that I threw the ball into his court, and I wonder what he meant by that. I needed closure.
I know this is completely wrong, but I just want to know if he has feelings for me as well. I don’t want anything to come of it though, and I don’t expect him to show how he feels. For a few months, I tried to find a job somewhere else but never found anything. So I’m glad that I didn’t do anything stupid to hurt our marriages. I deeply care about my boss and worry about him when he is under stress or sick. I never show it though or talk to anyone about it either. When I mention something fun that my husband and I did, he seems to want to do the same thing and right away texts his wife about it. Today he mentioned to me only that he and his wife are going away for a weekend without the baby. I wonder why he told me that. What do you think about all this? — In Love with the Boss
What I think is that you’ve both been incredibly inappropriate and that you are very lucky you: a) still have a job, and b) neither of your marriages have been ruined by your (mutual) inappropriate behavior at work. You don’t need closure, you need a reality check. This man is your boss. Your married boss. And you have a husband at home you say you love. Get it together, woman.
Honestly, if I were you and I had such a crush on my boss that my obsession went on for months and I was analyzing every little thing he said and couldn’t help but to confess my feelings — again, the level of inappropriateness on that one is off the charts — I would find a new job or ask to be moved to a different department or office within the company. You say you looked for a job for a few months. Well, why did you stop? I say keep looking. Keep looking until you find something. Because if your obsession continues, you’ll find yourself without a job and very likely without your husband. Your professional — and personal —reputation could be ruined. I say this not because you have a simple crush, which is normal, but because you don’t seem to understand or respect boundaries and it’s only a matter of time before such a lack of understanding is going to wreak utter havoc.
You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.