I have been married for 28 years but the love is dead. I have been having an affair for two years and am madly in love with this woman and she with me. We were making plans on one day getting married after my divorce. I have been going to school full-time along with working full-time to prepare to provide for her and myself. I met this woman as an escort (I am not proud of that but it’s the truth). We hit it off immediately, and I persuaded her to stop doing what she was doing and I eventually got her enrolled in a medical assistant school, which she loves.
Recently I found a hidden app on her phone for text messages. I confronted her about several texts yesterday. After a long, drawn-out discussion I found out she has had several affairs. One affair is with a guy who has been giving her money for her services. She has plotted on so many occasions to hook up with this guy around my schedule. My heart is crushed, but I still love her. She’s begging me not to leave her. I know I should leave but can’t find the strength to do so. She makes me so happy. But now I’m torn in two.
Please give me some advice. — In Love with an Escort
Why aren’t you divorced yet? If the love is dead after 28 years of marriage and you’ve been having an affair for two years with a woman you’re madly in love with and plan to marry, why haven’t you divorced your wife yet? You don’t mention that you’ve filed for divorce, so I’m assuming you haven’t. Does your wife even know about your affair? Does she know you plan to marry someone else? Does your wife know that the reason you’re going to school full-time (on top of working full-time) is in preparation of supporting another woman? These are all things that should be addressed immediately before you shift your focus onto your girlfriend/mistress. Deal with the wife you’ve got before you start supporting (or planning to support) the wife you want.
Ok, so you want to marry your girlfriend — once you get divorced — and you’re concerned that she’s been having affairs behind your back. Well, first of all, she’s an escort and, even if you believe you “persuaded her to stop doing what she was doing,” if she’s accepting money from a man in exchange for her company (and maybe sex?), then she’s still doing what she was doing. She may be enrolled in medical assistant school, but girlfriend still needs to pay the rent and, if she’s paid well doing what it is she does, it’s probably going to take a whole lot more than some persuading from a married man who isn’t supporting her to get her to stop.
If you want to be with this woman — and again, I am not endorsing your being with her until you actually separate from your wife — you have to accept that she shares her company (and her body?) with other men for money and that that kind of work — that kind of money — is very, very hard to walk away from. She might tell you she’s ready to quit, but that’s like an alcoholic saying he or she is ready to stop drinking. Just because they say it, doesn’t mean it’s true. And even if it’s true, it doesn’t mean there won’t be relapses and it won’t be a struggle to quit for good. She has to WANT to really give it up, and she has to believe that her life without that job is better than it is with it. Something tells me that the life of a student with a married boyfriend on the side, who apparently isn’t in a position to support her, isn’t tempting enough to walk away from the $$$. And, as long as she is working as an escort — and maybe long after–her boundaries, or the ways she defines what is ok and what isn’t ok when it comes to intimacy with people outside her relationship, are going to be pretty fuzzy.
Bottom line: this woman isn’t like other women you’ve probably dated. She’s an escort. She plays by different rules. And since you’re the kind of guy who hasn’t respected generally-accepted rules of relationships (like, don’t cheat on your partner), this might be a good match for you. If you can both accept that neither of you is a rules-following kind of person, and if you give each other plenty of leniency to conduct yourselves however you want, and if you practice very safe sex (and get tested regularly), and if you don’t try to change each other, maybe you can actually be happy together. But, if you can only be happy with this woman if she quits her job and does the kind of work you choose for her and if she has to be 100% faithful to you (however you define “faithful,” and not necessarily how she defines “faithful”), then she’s probably not going to make you happy in the long run (and now you’re getting a small taste of what the misery of betrayal could feel like long-term).
Regardless of what happens with the mistress, the first thing you need to do is end the marriage you already checked out of years ago. Your wife of 28 years deserves some honesty (and the chance to find her own happiness, not to mention get tested for any STDs you may have exposed her to).
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at email@example.com.