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I have been with my boyfriend for two years (and lived together for one). Friends of ours are engaged, and are to be married in June. These friends and I are very familiar with each other; we all attend the same social events and get along (at least I thought we did!). I’ve spoken with both of them about the upcoming wedding and shared in their excitement. I was even verbally told to save the date. So, when the wedding invitations came, it was addressed solely to my boyfriend (for both the ceremony and reception). Later, they expressed verbally to him that he was the only one invited and that I was not invited to either the ceremony or the reception — their reasoning being that they couldn’t afford it.
I fully understand weddings can be expensive and stressful. If they are planning a small family affair, I completely support that. But all our friends are going — ALL — except for me (and it’s not even a small group). And my boyfriend and I live together — he even pet calls me “wife.” Invite snub aside, my real issue is with my boyfriend — he plans on attending the wedding without me. To try and make me feel better, he says that two other girlfriends are not invited. I believe that in a situation like this you should support your partner and if he or she is not invited, you should respectfully decline.
SO here are my questions: Socially, how do I respond to the engaged couple after the wedding? I will most certainly see them at every social gathering. Stories of the wedding will definitely be topics of conversation for a while afterwards, and although I am happy that they have that experience, it hurts that I was deliberately left out and have to hear all about it afterwards. I don’t want to be catty, but when I am hurt it’s hard not to be angry. Secondly, how do I deal with my boyfriend not supporting us? — Left out of the Wedding
Last month, I answered a letter from a bride-to-be on the flip-side of your equation; she wrote in wondering if she and her fiancé had to invite plus-ones, as doing so would mean they wouldn’t be able to fit all their guests in their first choice venue. Readers may remember that I clearly suggested the couple find a different venue that could accommodate plus-ones — especially spouses, and other long-term and live-in significant others — because I happen to think it’s not only tacky not to invite those particular plus-ones, it’s also likely to cause friction for the couples that aren’t inclusively invited, just as it now has between you and your boyfriend. But that doesn’t mean you’re right in being angry with your boyfriend.
Yes, it’s hurtful that your friends don’t view you as close enough to invite to their wedding. It’s hurtful that the other friends in your group have all been invited and you haven’t. But your boyfriend isn’t responsible for that hurt and he’s been placed in an awkward position of either upsetting you by attending the wedding even though you weren’t invited, or hurting his close friends, thoughtless as they may appear, by missing one of the most important events of their lives. And while you may think your boyfriend should be 100% loyal to you in every situation, isn’t there any part of you that can accept that the lesser of the two evils he’s currently faced with is upsetting you in the short-term over this issue that is, quite frankly, not that big of a deal?
I suspect, after all, that what you’re really upset about is your relationship not getting the respect you think it deserves, and that’s understandable. But I suspect your friends, in an effort to cut costs, implemented a rule about plus-ones that they must all be married. This would explain why two other “girlfriends” were not invited, as your boyfriend pointed out. By making this rule, there is no gray area about inviting dates or significant others that have only been in the picture a few months. So, try not to think of this as a personal affront or some statement about the legitimacy or seriousness of your relationship, but rather a personal choice made by people who value their own needs and desires over those of their friends (and when it comes to a wedding, that’s often the case! You can’t please everyone, after all, so better to aim for pleasing yourself, right?).
Let’s put things in perspective: in the end, the bride and groom will get married and you’ll still have a wonderful relationship with your boyfriend to enjoy. Yeah, you’ll miss out on a wedding that may or may not be any fun and you might have to hear a few stories about it afterward, but who cares? Really, unless a wedding is fucking phenomenally fun — and this one probably won’t be if so many people will be without dates — the only people who really think about them and “tell stories” about them after they’re over are the bride and groom. It’s not like this is going to be the party of the century that you’ll be hearing about for years. So, you know, just get over it. Plan something else on the wedding day you’re sure to enjoy. Take the high road, and be gracious to the newly married couple when you see them. Before the wedding, wish them well, and afterward, congratulate them. Don’t give them any reason to be glad they didn’t invite you. No good can come of it and it will only serve to make you look bad, not them.
It’s one damn day. It has no bearing on your happiness or the success of your relationship … unless you let it. Life creates enough drama for us on its own. Why stir things up when there’s no reason to?
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.
Callifax May 25, 2011, 7:10 am
Couldn’t have put it better myself, Wendy!
I find it interesting because I think I’m going to be on the flip side of this soon. Friends of mine are getting married, and have casually mentioned that my boyfriend (of 2 years and live-in) may not be invited for space reasons. I told them, politely, that it would really bother me, but we will see when the invite comes in. But, if he’s not included, I know we will have to follow Wendy’s advice – take the high-road, be gracious, accept that weddings are hard to plan and it’s difficult to include everyone, and realize that at the end of the day, it’s not such a big deal anyhow.
Lanchik May 25, 2011, 7:32 am
“Later, they expressed verbally to him that he was the only one invited and that I was not invited to either the ceremony or the reception — their reasoning being that they couldn’t afford it.”
I find it a bit suspicious that the couple haven’t told the LW directly that she’s not invited. Is it possible that the boyfriend would have other reasons for wanting to go to the wedding alone, so he’s lying to his girlfriend by telling her that she’s been left off the guest list? If the LW’s previous interactions with the engaged couple were so positive, why would they suddenly decide to disinvite her when she’s done nothing to merit her invitation being revoked? Just a thought. Something seems a bit off to me.
Fairhaired Child May 25, 2011, 7:41 am
Some people pick the date way before they pick the venue and then as they are sending out all the invites they are like “crap.. who did we tell to save the date.. there’s no way we can afford this many people!” My friend is getting married in 2012 and she’s already pulling out hairs of how to discuss with people who can come and who may get cut (she’s been engaged forever and known the date forever but not the venue.. so almost all her friends etc have known the date for a while now).
But otherwise, yeah I can see how that can be a little suspect.
PFG-SCR May 25, 2011, 7:56 am
“I find it a bit suspicious that the couple haven’t told the LW directly that she’s not invited.”
I’m sure they feel a bit awkward that they originally told her that she’s invited, but now she’s n ot. I didn’t get the impression that this was “off” in any way, especially since the invitation was addressed only to him. Personally, I don’t see a couple planning a wedding being too concerned about trying to work out an alibi for a friend of theirs so he can screw around on his girlfriend at their wedding.
Rachel May 25, 2011, 12:48 pm
She lives with her boyfriend, so I’m sure she’s seen the invitation and the fact that it explicitly does not include a +1
kali May 25, 2011, 1:42 pm
She did NOT say she’d seen an invitation so we can’t assume anything. I found that a bit odd.
On the other hand, my daughter’s getting married in a couple of months and things are getting crazy. A friend of the groom’s brother wasn’t invited (they all grew up together) and his mother called the groom’s mom to ask why and wasn’t it just an oversight. Seriously?! I could live with that but then MoG told her son who told my daughter and neither of them is happy. The budget isn’t unlimited, in spite of what we might wish.
I told my daughter that weddings bring out the worst in everyone and to just chill out, so what she can, consider her wishes and those of her groom and know that the rest of us will love them and wish them well whatever happens.
Loved your advice, Wendy! Keep up the great work.
redessa May 25, 2011, 1:51 pm
“So, when the wedding invitations came, it was addressed solely to my boyfriend…”
Considering they live together I think it’s safe to assume she saw the invitation. At the very least, she saw the envelope when it showed up in her mailbox.
kali May 25, 2011, 1:57 pm
Gee, sorry I missed that. /sarcasm font
HM May 25, 2011, 7:08 pm
Sometimes people can dish it but just can’t take it.
Britannia May 25, 2011, 3:43 pm
It sounded slightly off to me too, but I didn’t jump to the idea that he might be cheating on her… if anything, it sounds to me like the couple doesn’t actually like the LW (as a friend).
Nikki September 15, 2019, 9:08 am
More like an ex girlfriend will be there he will want to be with and flirt with and don’t want to feel the guilt of doing that in front of her
Bittergaymark September 15, 2019, 1:40 pm
And his friends are in on it? Please.
Fairhaired Child May 25, 2011, 7:39 am
very nicely put Wendy! While it may hurt her now that she’s being left out, usually I’m glad not to go to a wedding because (depending on the ceremony) it can be terribly long! Granted it kinda sucks not to go to the reception, but hey, its their day, about them, and they just want the support of everyone (those who can come and who can’t) on the new step in their lives. The day isn’t about who is invited and who wasn’t or who had to sit by who, and if the crazy aunt who talks to herself was allowed to come or whatever – its about love, and the love they feel for each other.
Good luck, it may hurt now, but you have plenty more social events to make more memories with these people that can be more fun and INVOLVE you in the actual event instead of just having you sit in some stuffy church wondering if someone down the row remembered deodorant or not. And as Wendy said, don’t hold it against your boyfriend, but if you want talk to him (calmly) and state why you feel disappointed, but don’t try to guilt him into staying behind. Likely he’ll go to the ceremony then maybe go to the reception for a bit but not the whole time because he’ll end up missing you and wishing you were there, AND maybe he’ll even realize that he envisions your own wedding one day and this will make him miss you even more and want to be super romantic when he returns 😉
PFG-SCR May 25, 2011, 7:46 am
“And while you may think your boyfriend should be 100% loyal to you in every situation, isn’t there any part of you that can accept that the lesser of the two evils he’s currently faced with is upsetting you in the short-term over this issue that is, quite frankly, not that big of a deal?”
Exactly – her boyfriend didn’t cause this issue, but he’s now “stuck between a rock and a hard place”. Instead of making it more difficult on him by demanding that he not go without her, she should handle this maturely by encouraging him to go and wishing the couple the best the next time she sees them.
I can understand her being hurt and upset that she didn’t get an invite, but from everything she’s written, the non-married significant others are the ones excluded. Instead of sitting at home sulking about it when he goes to the wedding, she should contact those other girlfriends (since they’re all part of the same social circle, it seems) and plan a girls’ night out.
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 2:00 pm
Spark May 25, 2011, 8:46 pm
I actually think that the lesser of the two evils is skipping the wedding. Going will clearly hurt his serious girlfriend profoundly, and it will be very memorable for her. On the other hand, his friends will be so busy on the wedding day–and rightfully so–that I doubt they will interact with him much, or remember his presence much at all.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 8:58 pm
If this is the sort of thing that hurts her profoundly, she must be a real joy to be around…
A May 25, 2011, 8:01 am
Should be interesting though when some day “left out” and her BF decide to get married and the question of whether or not to invite this couple arises. I would love to be a fly on the wall during that little debate! 🙂
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 8:30 am
Clearly these people aren’t that good of friends if they not only did not invite you, but didn’t have the face to tell you directly, instead sending word with your boyfriend.
Don’t be upset with your boyfriend, as annoying as it may be that he still wants to attend even though you weren’t invited, it’s not his fault. I agree with Wendy that you’re probably more upset that your relationship isn’t taken seriously in these people’s eyes, but the good news is, your relationship has **nothing** to do with these people. You & your boyfriend are the only ones that have anything to do with your relationship.
I’m curious to know whether these people were originally friends of your boyfriend’s & you became friends with them over the course of your relationship, or all of you were already friends to begin with.
Regardless, I think its extremely tacky what they did. You LIVE with your boyfriend, its not like you’ve only been together for 2 months… So if you need to direct your anger, direct your anger towards them, not your boyfriend.
bagge72 May 25, 2011, 10:11 am
I’m guessing that she met these friends through her boyfriend, and I don’t really think that they have an obligation to tell her face to face that she isn’t invited. I would also say that they probably didn’t just call up the boyfriend out of the blue to tell him that she wasn’t invited, the LW probably sent her BF to ask what was going on, or they heard from other people that is girlfriend was upset, and they had to tell him there situation. I find that a lot of people don’t know wedding etiquette, and a lot of times people still bring dates to weddings even though they are the only ones on the invite, and that ends up costing a lot more money for the bride and groom. So when the LW’s BF brought this up to his friends they wanted to make sure there was no misunderstanding.
As for the LW I don’t think she needs to feel awkward or angry around the newly married couple, because it seems like they gave a perfectly good explanation as to why she (and other girlfriend’s) weren’t invited, and the LW needs to respect that weddings cost a lot of money, and can be emotionally draining at the same time. Yes it does suck for the LW to feel left out, but she wasn’t the only one, and it really isn’t that big of a deal.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 10:21 am
She didn’t specify as to how good of friends they really are; when she met them, etc… That’s why I brought up the question.
The tacky part is they told her to save the date & spoke about the wedding with her on several occasions. I understand weddings are stressful, costly, etc… but it is extremely rude what these people did. The LW & her boyfriend live together, & have been dating for 2+ years…I think regardless of whether or not they met through her bf, she should’ve been invited.
But what’s done is done. I get that in some other situations, her resentment towards the couple may not exactly be meritted, but IMHO, in this case it does. I don’t think she should be mad at her boyfriend, at all & yes, she needs to put on a good face for this time. BUT, I think after the wedding, if she has any interest in continuing a friendship with these people, she should def. have a talk with at least the bride, & let her know she was hurt by their decision, AFTER the wedding of course.
I agree with her 100% on why she’s upset, I disagree on being mad at her boyfriend.
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 2:05 pm
I dont know why you are getting thumbed down, I agree and think it would be fine for her to speak with the couple after the wedding. Just because you are getting married doesnt give you the right to rudely belittle someone else’s relationship, especially if you expect them to celebrate your’s
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 6:08 pm
Yeah…I’m a firm believer in talking things out, especially if you’re feeling resentful.
Emsz May 25, 2011, 10:23 am
If they can tell her to her face to ‘save the date’, they can tell her to her face that she’s uninvited.
(I was going to do something the couple might have said in quotation marks, but it didn’t really work, as anything I came up with sounded incredibly rude to me)
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 10:39 am
That’s exactly what I meant! I can just imagine what you were going to come up with…lol
Heather Feather May 25, 2011, 10:48 am
I agree. If they had mentioned the wedding before, they can mention it now. I think it would have been appropriate to directly speak to some of the uninvited guests (not all possibly) that you often see, and let them know the circumstances.
bagge72 May 25, 2011, 10:49 am
It is also possible that they told her boyfriend to save the date as the girlfriend was around, and she took it to meen both of them.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 9:00 pm
Yeah, this is an obvious fact that nobody but you seemed to figure out.
mf May 25, 2011, 11:47 am
Agreed. It’s awfully cowardly of the couple to dis-invite her via her boyfriend. (I know she was never officially invited, but if they told her to save the date, she should have been–and certainly was–expecting an invite!)
The_Yellow_Dart May 25, 2011, 8:31 am
Wendy’s advice is really good. And I’m in a similar position! One of my colleague-friends is getting married, and of our work/social group, only two of four of us were invited (I wasn’t!). Initially, I was a bit disappointed and hurt that I wasn’t invited, but I realized two things: 1) weddings are often really expensive, and very few people have the finances to invite every one of their friends and family, and 2) the wedding is about the bride and the groom – not me! It’s much healthier to redirect disappointment into feelings of happiness for the bride and groom! As for me, I’m still friends with the bride-to-be – I even came to her wedding shower! (And on the plus side, I get to save all that money I would have spent going to her wedding!)
The_Yellow_Dart May 25, 2011, 9:04 am
Yikes! Why all the sad thumbs?
Foreveryoung May 25, 2011, 9:11 am
I didn’t thumb you down but i’m assuming they might come from the fact that you were invited to the wedding shower and not the actual wedding. If that doesn’t scream greedy I don’t know what does.
The_Yellow_Dart May 25, 2011, 9:14 am
Ooh – I should clarify – it was a surprise shower! So the bride-to-be technically didn’t invite me (although it might not make it any better that the groom-to-be did…)
Teresa May 25, 2011, 1:38 pm
Could be the purple thumb fairy again…..
BoomChakaLaka May 25, 2011, 8:46 am
I’m actually going to take my comment in a different route: I really understand how you’re hurt that 1) you weren’t invited and 2) your boyfriend is *still* going to the wedding. If my bf were in the same place, and I was supposedly good friends with both the bride and groom, I would expect him to decline as well. I also want to give you kudos/props for not going off on the boyfriend for something that clearly isn’t his fault.
What I do think you need to do is talk to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling. I have a funny feeling that something like this, if not openly discussed now, could spark a flame later on down the line. Emphasize that you don’t expect him to change his decision (unless you want him to…), but that you really want to let him know how you feel about this. You never know, maybe he feels conflicted about the whole situation too. Afterwards, try to make the best of this situation by going out with friends, getting stuff done, or, planning a romantic surprise for the bf when he returns home from the wedding!
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 10:11 am
I’m going to disagree. It’s not cool to make the boyfriend feel even worse about a lose/lose situation he can’t change.
BoomChakaLaka May 25, 2011, 11:08 am
I’m not saying make him feel worse (Definitely against that game, myself), I’m saying let him know how you feel. It seems like she didn’t even put an option out there to get all that potential resentment off of her chest.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 11:17 am
Letting him know how you feel is basically akin to emotional blackmail. “You can go, but just realize how much you’re hurting me” kicks over a hornet’s nest of problems just for the sake of airing resentment. It would absolutely make him feel worse and unecessarily complicate what is already a complicated situation. Why go there?
Sarah May 25, 2011, 12:09 pm
I would think he would feel WAY worse if I was resenting the situation and refused to comment on it. My boyfriend hates the taste in the air of unspoken trouble. And you know, the boyfriend could possibly, you know, validate her feelings and tell her that even though her feelings come first, he doesn’t want to make a lifelong mistake that could cost them all of their friendships. He could communicate with her, god forbid.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 12:33 pm
Based on the letter (second paragraph), I assumed that they already had this talk and that he still decided to go. As in “to try and make me feel better” implies that recognized that she was feeling badly about this.
Sarah May 25, 2011, 12:44 pm
You forgot the second part of that sentence, “he says that two other girlfriends are not invited”. Not the same thing as validating her feelings, is it? The fact that he knows that her feelings are hurt and doesn’t go to lengths to let her know she’s a priority and instead gives her some explanation that “she’s not the ONLY one” is on him. I wish men would understand how far just listening and respecting a woman’s feelings would get them.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 1:03 pm
I think that in his dudemind, that was supposed to make her feel better. Not saying that it was the perfect approach. He did try to validate her feelings… he just isn’t very good at it. Effort points, though.
Sarah May 25, 2011, 1:11 pm
His dudemind could learn a thing or two.
BoomChakaLaka May 25, 2011, 1:48 pm
Effort points yes, but the LW also needs to put in some effort too. She needs to point blank get it off of her chest and not just slyly refer to it.
I’m just speaking from a hypothetical standpoint. Maybe she’s someone that never builds resentment over anything. So this conversation just became moot.
BoomChakaLaka May 25, 2011, 12:22 pm
Well, I also wouldn’t choose those words either, but I can see where you’re going with this. That said, I think we both agree that LW is going to have some resentment. Wouldn’t you rather get that mess out of the way now rather than having it simmering for years and boiling over years later because of something even smaller?
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 2:09 pm
Disagree, telling him how she feels about it isnt a guilt trip
MsMisery May 25, 2011, 8:48 am
Another thing to remember- weddings can often make the participants (especially the bride) insane. We can all see how tacky this is, even if we can also see the cost-cutting side of it, but she may be completely in bride-zilla mode. I’m not excusing the behavior, just giving a possible explanation.
SGMcG May 25, 2011, 8:50 am
I’m just curious LW if you or your boyfriend were invited to the other social occasions leading up to the wedding – the engagement party, the bridal shower, the bachelor/bachelorette party? Although these events are not mandated in the wedding timeline, sometimes wedding guests are included in these events to get to know the members of the wedding party and significant family members. If you weren’t invited to those events, then it stands to reason that you won’t be invited to the wedding.
If you WERE invited to any of those events and STILL didn’t get an invite to the wedding, well, yeah, that’s a really sucky situation. Yet it’s not your boyfriend’s fault. Sometimes an engaged couple will have to make the tough decisions regarding who to invite, and sometimes they don’t get a full choice in the matter (especially if someone else is footing the bill). If there are other girlfriends in your situation who were not invited as well, ask your boyfriend if you can contact them so you can all do something else while the others in your mutual circle of friends are at the wedding. Rather than focus on the reasons of the engaged couple why you were cut and others were not, wish them well. As your boyfriend leaves the door to attend the wedding, wish him a good time. If you take such a good attitude now, maybe karma will reward you when you plan your wedding so that you have the luxury of inviting everyone you want.
Guy Friday May 25, 2011, 9:54 am
I find your first paragraph (and the first line of the second paragraph) really interesting. I was always under the impression that a lot of couples — and this is something I was thinking of doing with mine — might use those social gatherings prior to the wedding as a way to include people who they may not have been able to afford to have at the wedding (or who couldn’t make it). When one of my friends got married a couple of years ago, she DELIBERATELY kept a list of people she had to cut from the invite list to save costs, and then had a big party at her parents house (kind of a pre-wedding engagement party kind of deal) and tried to invite all of those people for that. It was very low key — just a BBQ, really — and she told them not to worry about bringing presents or anything, just to show up. In that way, she got to celebrate in some way with everyone who wanted to, even though she couldn’t afford to invite everyone to the actual wedding.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 10:15 am
The only way this makes sense is if the wedding is a destination wedding or something across the country where you expect a bunch of people to respectfully decline. It’s a pretty big breach of etiquette otherwise… I’m a dude and even I know that.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 10:26 am
That’s really nice of your friend, especially that she specifically added not to bring gifts. But I believe it is tacky to invite people, who aren’t invited to your actual wedding, to pre-wedding activities.
My mom was recently invited to a co-worker of her’s bridal shower, but she’s not invited to the wedding. I think the stigma with that concept is, “come to the events that require you to bring gifts, but I can’t foot the bill for you to the actual ceremony/reception.”
That’s why I like what your friend did, but unfortunately not everyone is that thoughtful…
Kate May 25, 2011, 11:24 am
It’s very tacky. And presumptuous!
ele4phant May 25, 2011, 11:17 am
I can see how one might think that, however the long standing wedding etiquette is that if you invite someone to a pre-wedding function (especially one where there are gifts given like a shower), then you are supposed to invite them to the wedding as well.
It sounds like your friend made it very clear what the BBQ was about. I suppose if you were open about inviting people to something like that because you loved them but couldn’t accommodate them at the actual wedding, it might pass the sniff test. However, you’d have to be really upfront, or face seeming tacky as most people will fall back on the already established equiette and get upset when they realize they’re not invited to the wedding..
Amber May 25, 2011, 11:04 am
I agree if you’re a close friend and not invited to say a shower or bachelorette party it’s a pretty good clue you’re not going to the wedding. If they really are good friends though, you would think the bride could at least say something to the people she had to leave off. I realize it’s an awkard situation but with my wedding I did call people I had to leave off the list due to budget constraints and explained it to them. I think people appreciate at least being acknowledged.
Kaylee June 1, 2011, 12:51 pm
I don’t see why LW would have to ask her boyfriend if she “can” speak to those girls. If she interacts with them socially and likes spending time with them, she certainly doesn’t need his permission. Quite frankly, weddings are generally kind of boring and LW will probably have a much better time doing her own thing.
On one hand, I understand the bride and groom. My sister just got married last month and she and her fiancee had an “unless they live together or are in a long term, serious relationship” policy, because it was expensive and they didn’t want some of their guests showing up with dates just for the sake of having a date.
That being said, I’ve also been in the LW’s position and I understand the resentment toward the boyfriend (even if it’s not logical or fair, you can’t help feeling hurt when someone who says he loves you does something that basically says someone else’s feelings – the couple – are more important than yours).
Ash May 25, 2011, 8:57 am
I feel bad for these people who are getting married and finding it difficult on where to hold the wedding and who they can afford to invite. It sounds like they initially wanted to invite you but had to cut-out some people they verbally told about the upcoming wedding. One thing to try and keep in mind is this: the wedding is not about you. It is about the bride and groom. (Thus why I disagreed with Wendy’s advice to the bride-to-be on the previous letter.) Even if your boyfriend goes and you do not I would suggest planning something fun for that day to keep you busy and preoccupied. Then later when your boyfriend is done with the wedding do something fun with him as well. Make the best out of the day and congratulate the couple when you see them next. Holding a grudge against two people you claim to be friends with over their own wedding isn’t fair. Nor is it fair to hold one against your boyfriend since he was invited. Send a mutual gift with him along with your best wishes! They will surely appreciate the gesture.
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 2:18 pm
If weddings were really only about the bride and groom celebrating love, theyd be held at the couple’s house with just parents and immediate family. It was tacky and getting married does not excuse rudeness
Bostonian Thinker May 25, 2011, 8:58 am
I really would encourage anyone having a wedding to invite a “plus one” with any person, married, partnered or single, who is not close friends with at least several people. I would hate to go to any wedding and not know a single person. Personally, I often don’t like weddings. I like the ceremony, but the receptions are hard for me unless I know a few people. I don’t like dressing formally. I always go and try to enjoy myself because I care abot the couple. I love parties in general, but not formal ones. My partner of seven years, who I am married to, was invited to a wedding and I told her I lgo if she wanted me to, but because I don’t know either the couple or anyone else, I would not really enjoy it. I was more than happy to NOT go. When it my my turn to get married, I invited only families, couples or guest-plus-one, and it was a small wedding, too.
fallonthecity May 25, 2011, 9:05 am
I think this is a difficult issue for everyone planning a wedding on a budget. In my opinion, where the couple went wrong is actually telling the LW to save the date, she’ll be getting an invite… because when they decided they couldn’t afford to have her there, it was almost like she was being uninvited. My best friend made this mistake, and hugely… she told every one of our friends to save the date, and then decided she couldn’t invite most of them. Someone had actually moved his flight back home just so that he could attend, and now he’s not invited. Anyway, I think it’s worth saying that if you’re planning a wedding be really careful about this stuff because you’ll end up with a lot of hurt feelings if you’re not.
To the LW, they were being kind of tacky, but all you can really do is make some other plans for that day that will be a lot more fun than attending a wedding. Send them a nice card, even (but don’t feel obligated to buy a huge gift)! Your boyfriend will probably have a really boring time without you, if it makes you feel any better.
emjay May 25, 2011, 2:42 pm
I think when the wedding news is first being told, that the bride and groom are so happy, and believe they can accomendate everyone, then when they get down to the real planning, that’s when they have the “oh shit! What are we suppose to tell the people we told were gonna get an invite? Now we don’t have enough money!” Look on their face. It happens a lot, not because it is intentional (in most cases), it is because you don’t realize how expensive it is going to be until you start to really plan it. My fiance and I had to postpone our wedding, and we don’t even know when it will be at this point. Not because we don’t want to, but we don’t have the $$ for it, and since it is a once in a lifetime event, we want to afford what we want not settle. So this is another problem that hits people. Maybe they just know your BF better than they know you, and they had to choose. His going to the wedding is representing the love both of you share for the bride and groom, even though they couldn’t afford to invite you. And if he is a decent guy, I’m sure he will send your best wishes on to them.
fallonthecity May 25, 2011, 4:46 pm
I definitely understand that right after the engagement everyone is excited, but if you’re making your wedding a social event, you kinda have to think ahead to these sorts of scenarios in order to at least try to be considerate of your guests. I know some people will get their feelings hurt because the sky is blue, but really — telling someone to keep X weekend open and you’d love to have them there, then saying later they didn’t make the cut is pretty tacky, regardless of reason. I don’t know if I’d call it rude, but it’s definitely insensitive. It probably wasn’t even a personal slight, but if they were going to draw a line for the guest list, they really shouldn’t have been verbally inviting people willy nilly to begin with. Why not, “I’m so excited, I’m engaged!” instead of, “I’m so excited, please mark down X weekend on your calendar!”?
kerrycontrary May 25, 2011, 9:18 am
Fantastic advice Wendy! Just what I was thinking. If I was the LW I would be hurt as well and I agree that the couple SHOULD HAVE invited you. In the end though, they didn’t and it is their wedding that they are paying for so you can’t be mad at your boyfriend for supporting his friends at this wedding. You will get past this and it really won’t be a big deal in the long-run. I know that the whole situation hurts your feelings, but try to be mature and take the high road. In a sort-of-similar-situation, I wasn’t invited to my long-term boyfriend’s sister’s baby shower (I know that sounds like a mouth full). It really hurt my feelings because I feel like we are a part of each other’s families, but I couldn’t throw a fit over it. I just told my boyfriend that it hurt my feelings and if there’s an event like this in the future I would like to be considered. End of story.
silver_dragon_girl May 25, 2011, 9:28 am
Oh good grief. You’re mad at your boyfriend to going to a wedding you weren’t invited to?Come on. I understand you’re disappointed and hurt you weren’t invited, but do you really want him to stay home “on principle?” How would YOU feel if everyone did that at your wedding? “Well, LW didn’t invite my boyfriend/cousin/sister-in-law/BFF so I’m not going either. Hmmph.”
I’m sorry, I understand your frustration, I really do, but being mad at your bf about this is kind of immature, in my opinion.
The more wedding advice letters I read here, the more determined I am to elope.
silver_dragon_girl May 25, 2011, 9:31 am
And for the record, I agree that this is very rude/tacky, but I think that MOA applies to this situation.
Guy Friday May 25, 2011, 9:47 am
I assume you mean MOA applies to the feelings, and not to the boyfriend in this occasion, right? 🙂
silver_dragon_girl May 25, 2011, 9:58 am
Lol, yes, definitely.
SpaceySteph May 25, 2011, 11:50 am
Agree with you. This is asking the boyfriend to cause drama for the sake of drama. Protests are good for the civil rights movement, unfair labor practices, and puppy killers, not for a friend’s wedding.
Pick your battles, this isn’t one of them.
silver_dragon_girl May 25, 2011, 3:24 pm
kali May 25, 2011, 1:49 pm
I eloped – I highly recommend it!
WatersEdge May 25, 2011, 3:13 pm
I wanted to elope SO BADLY. I hated wedding planning. I didn’t even want a wedding. My husband and our mothers wanted a wedding, so I consented. And then planned the whole thing alone, of course. I can’t say I regret it because they really did enjoy it and I didn’t have much choice, but I don’t look back at my engagement or wedding day with much fondness. The wedding itself was fun, but it wasn’t so incredible as to make up for the money spent and months planning an event I didn’t want to attend.
There’s a book called “Let’s Elope!” that I read and I really recommend. It’s about all the different ways to elope, the laws in different countries, etiquette around eloping, and so on.
WatersEdge May 25, 2011, 3:15 pm
Oh, also: We are renewing our vows on our one-year anniversary in my dream elopement spot.
TheGirl May 25, 2011, 4:31 pm
I had the same problem! Our folks wanted the wedding. His mother actually told him that if she wasn’t at his wedding, she’d know he didn’t love her. …and that was the end of our elopement plans!
Katie May 25, 2011, 9:38 am
i just dont understand people like this bride! i would change my date and venue 100 times if it meant everyone i knew and loved would be there. how hard is it to have 3 extra people there? i just dont get it lol.
Budjer May 25, 2011, 9:57 am
I was just thinking the same thing…although I’ll never be a bride without a sex change.
LW take the high road and use this as an experience to remember when you get married. I think most people would have handled this situation differently. I would hands down change a venue if it meant I could include more people that I wanted to have at my wedding…I’ve always been a “the more the merrier” kind of person. The people make the memories….
And yea…take it easy on your boy friend he is trying to make the best of a crappy situation.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 10:28 am
Eh. The whole ‘I would just change my venue’ argument is a LOT easier said than done. Around me, wedding venues are typically booked more than twelve months in advance and about 50% of your deposit money is held with six months to go, so that could get infeasible in a hurry. If family members start throwing hissy fits, semi-close friends and unmarried +1’s are usually the first to go.
***This is not a referendum on how much you morally believe weddings should cost. That’s a separate argument and usually a very heated one.
Budjer May 25, 2011, 10:35 am
You make a really valid point. I guess I’ll rephrase and say…what little input I’m allowed to have in my wedding planning will go towards making sure the venue is that which numbers will not be a problem. Haha.
Katie May 25, 2011, 10:46 am
i totally get that too, but i know that I would rather go without other things to make sure that all the people who i want there are there. Budjer said it perfectly… the people make the memories. my number one concern will be whether everyone can come, and any cool decorations or awesome food i can get after that will just be extra. i would totally give up material things to be able to pick a larger venue so that everyone can come.
i guess that is just my opinion though, and obviously not that of the LW’s sort of friend and bride to be
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 10:57 am
Having that said, have you ever had a family member RSVP +8? Because I have!
Actually, you only need to work in the wedding business for about one year to have a lifetime of horror stories. I once bartended a dry wedding where 230 people showed up for 175 seats. Think about that…
BoomChakaLaka May 25, 2011, 11:10 am
+8? That’s out of control.
On a tangentially related issue: What is the limit though? I mean, if you have a Duggard situation going on, +19 is how it most likely will be. Or are people just not even inviting them.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 11:25 am
No no no. As in we invited my aunt and a +1 and she felt the need to distribute copies of the invitation to eight distant family members I met once when I was nine. Apparently, +1 in her world means “Bring whoever the fuck you want”.
Thankfully, said distant family members balked at the cost when they realized that my wife and I weren’t providing home lodging for all 100ish of our out-of-town guests (and called us rude for referring them to a hotel) and only one came. The problem solved itself, but we would have to start making cuts on our friends since the venue was pushing its fire code limit.
Julzie May 25, 2011, 11:48 am
I had my brother and his wife show up at the wedding with their 5 extra children. The children WERE invited but my brother had rsvp’d that only he and his wife were going, they specifically only ordered 2 meals. I was lucky that a few people dealt with the issue in a jiffy squeezing in extra chairs, moving people around that it more or less went unnoticed. Though I was always slightly annoyed that we didn’t even get a card from anyone in that massive crew 😛
SpaceySteph May 25, 2011, 1:57 pm
How does one bartend at a dry wedding?
WatersEdge May 25, 2011, 3:23 pm
Shirley temples for everyone!
Emsz May 25, 2011, 3:48 pm
Pop/Soda needs to be served as well. Here that’s usually also done via the bar, so that would make sense to me 🙂
WatersEdge May 25, 2011, 3:21 pm
It’s easier said than done, but not by much. Sensible people write out their guest list and then pick a venue that can accommodate that number.
Katie May 25, 2011, 10:08 am
also- im a chef, and i worked for the last year at one of the most popular wedding venues ( a country club ) where I live. and i can tell you, EVERYONE prepares for you to have extra people then you say are coming. there are extra tables set, and more to be brought out, there is extra food prepared… and I can tell you that a wedding that had 3 extra come on the day would be a very easy wedding! lol we had one where they brought 25 extra people, who then all still wanted their choice of entree. it was a nightmare.
maybe this is why i think its so strange lol
bagge72 May 25, 2011, 10:37 am
The venue might prepare for more people than were invited, but the bride and groom actually prepare to have less than are invited. Most people usually expect about 10% of there wedding guest to not show up, and that is usually the figure that they are quoted when looking at wedding venues.
Katie May 25, 2011, 10:48 am
thats interesting- I didn’t know that
bagge72 May 25, 2011, 10:43 am
Well there is 3 extra people in just the LW’s circle of friends that could be invited. If her BF is friends more with the groom, then the brides side could have 3 or 4 people aswell not invited that they feel should be, and then you have the family members that feel slighted because they weren’t invited or cousin Jim’s girlfriend wasn’t invited. So the list can just go on and on, and you really have to cut it off at some point. I gaurantee you though that you wouldn’t change youre wedding venue 100 times, because that would cost you 100 deposits, and whatever else you paid, plus the deposits of all of your vendors that you would have to possibly change because they might be booked for the other dates. Planning a wedding is not simple at all, and people don’t realize this until they go through it.
Katie May 25, 2011, 10:51 am
that is very true that the list could then go on forever.. i get that. i dunno i guess just me personally, my number one priority will be that everyone is invited and included. I would rather have an empty room with no decorations with everyone there then a beautiful setting, knowing that i have left people out.
and i guess what i meant by change a venue 100 times is that i would like a venue, but then if it doesnt accommodate everyone, then i’d go looking for another, looking through a ton of them until i found one that fit everyone. yea there is no way i would pay a deposit unless i knew it was a for sure thing
bagge72 May 25, 2011, 11:05 am
I get what you are saying, and believe me as somebody who right now is in the middle of planning a wedding the small stuff like who to invite can get really emotionally draining, because you would love to invite everyone you know, but the list just gets to big, and the cost start to sky rocket. It is definitely better to get the list of your guest as close to accurate as possible before you go looking for a wedding venue, because it makes the search for the right place a lot easier. We have found a lot of places on line that we loved, but only accommodated like 50-100 people so we didn’t even bother going to check those places out. Now we are only checking out places that can accomodate our full list without any regrets, and the option of adding a couple of people if necessary. A 15 person swing can be the difference in being able to afford open bar all night or for just the cocktail hour.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 11:27 am
Making a guest list isn’t small stuff. It’s one of the hardest parts of the process.
bagge72 May 25, 2011, 11:52 am
Agree, and at the end of it you have to go with what’s best for you.
bagge72 May 25, 2011, 11:06 am
Another thing I found out is that the wedding venues will only hold your date for about a week before they need a 25% deposit so you have to make some quick decisions haha.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 11:28 am
If you refuse to pay a deposit, any reputable venue will tell you to GFY.
Katie May 26, 2011, 2:43 am
i dont get all the thumbs down for wanting people at my wedding and not material things…
sarolabelle May 25, 2011, 9:51 am
I don’t understand this bride either. It doesn’t take but maybe $3 to send a ceremony only invitation. Especially if the ceremony is in a church. People from the street can crash a wedding if they want to.
Heather Feather May 25, 2011, 10:52 am
I honestly don’t know if getting an invite to the ceremony but not the reception would have been better or not. How awks it could have been to attend the ceremony, and then not be invited to the reception.
I would just rather not be invited at all. But that’s just me.
I suggested below that LW & the other 3 uninvited girlfriends (if she knows them), make plans that evening and maybe even work it to meet up with their boyfs after the ceremony.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 11:25 am
If she talks to her boyfriend & he feels like it, maybe he could leave the reception early? He’ll be at the ceremony & the important part of the reception, but then graciously leave. I would feel good if my boyfriend did that, if I was in the LW’s case. Because that way, he can make both parties feel important. Hopefully she would be up for that kind of a compromise.
trillian May 25, 2011, 11:18 am
A lot of people consider “ceremony only” invitations to be much ruder than not inviting a couple of people when you reach your limit. Then you are specifically and deliberately excluding people from the fun of the reception, any refreshments, and drinks. This logic can go from “what’s three extra people” to “what’s thirty extra people” in a heartbeat, and everybody thinks they should be the exception.
Many couples might have an emotional attachment to a specific venue (like a longtime family church), and not want to have to change it. Or their families, who are often paying and get a large say in the matter, might have given them a set number of people or amount of money to work within.
The fact of the matter is, wedding planning is a huge, long series of difficult compromises. The guest list, actually, is one of the more flexible areas they can work with. While yes, it was rude and a bit thoughtless to issue a verbal save-the-date before they knew if they could invite her, they are probably doing this for the first time, and couldn’t be expected to know in the flush of engagement excitement what limitations they would be working with. It’s really cruel to hassle an already overworked and overstressed bride and groom over something like this. And it’s also very uncool to hassle the poor boyfriend, who didn’t have any say in the matter and is in an even more uncomfortable situation than the LW.
LW, send a nice card and go out for dinner with the other girlfriends. Someday, when you’re getting married, you’ll probably appreciate similar consideration from the inevitable few friends who might not get an invite.
Britannia May 25, 2011, 3:50 pm
A lot of people consider “ceremony only” invitations to be much ruder than not inviting a couple of people when you reach your limit
I agree with you, though I am of the “Plus ones are a luxury, not a necessity” camp. I will not be inviting people to only the ceremony when it comes time to get married… the ceremony is all about the couple, and the reception is about entertaining everyone who gave their time to the couple to respect and bless their newly minted union.
My grandmother always says that the reception is the first time that the bride gets to show off her hostessing skills, and to set the mood for the parties she hosts in the future as a married woman. The wedding/reception guest list ratio is not the time to start slighting people.
justpeachy May 25, 2011, 3:34 pm
Go to any wedding website or read any wedding book and the first and most important piece of advice they’ll give you about staying on budget is to cut down the guest list. Maybe this couple didn’t go about things the proper way (I’m really doubt SHE got a verbal save the date, it was just the boyfriend), but they needed to cut cost and guests add up quickly. Here’s just from my wedding where cutting down the guest list (before notifying anyone):
– Save the date cards ($1.40 each)
– Invitations ($3.50 each)
– Venue seating and dinner ($45 a head, and trust me, that’s pretty cheap)
– Table settings ($60 a table for a table of 6)
– Bar drinks (I didn’t have an open bar, so I don’t know, but google told me $16 a head minimum).
– Wedding favors ($2.50 a head)
By cutting 6 people, I saved $470.40. It adds up quickly and you really shouldn’t give the budget such a hard time.
Quakergirl May 25, 2011, 9:52 am
This letter reminds me of the woman who wrote in upset that her boyfriend refused to cancel on his friend’s party to go clubbing with her friend. Just like that letter, LW here is setting the stakes in this situation waaaay out of proportion to the actual details. She’s making it sound like her boyfriend is choosing the friends over her– that he’s betraying her– by going to the wedding. All he’s doing is choosing to go to the wedding of his very close friends. It isn’t about you or your relationship with him.
Look, I totally get where you’re coming from. It really hurts when you feel like your relationship with your boyfriend is being snubbed (trust me, been there). And I get that it hurts that people you thought were friends didn’t invite you to their wedding. But your boyfriend is in no way responsible for either of those situations, and nothing he can do can remedy them. Him not going to the wedding won’t wind back the clock and fix the situation so that you two are invited together. It probably will create some additional drama, though, between him and the friends, and, ultimately, between you and the friends when they realize why he skipped their wedding. So he’s choosing to go. Don’t make the situation worse by picking a fight with him over something over which he has no control and that– in reality– is just not that big of a deal.
Heather Feather May 25, 2011, 9:54 am
I feel for you, LW! I’m sure this is uncomfortable in many ways for you, your boyf, and the wedding couple.
Try as hard as you can to look at this from a different perspective and be happy for the couple, engage in wedding talk afterwards as much as possible, and don’t appear to be pissed. Wendy is right in saying that it is one day. This couple may have had a hard time deciding who could come, but I do think they should have told you straight up, instead of letting you see the invite.
And your boyfriend has an obligation to his friends to go to the wedding. Maybe you can make a plan with the other 3 uninvited girls (if you know them) to have dinner and drinks that night and possibly meet the wedding guests out after the reception.
Budjer May 25, 2011, 9:58 am
Good suggestion. thumbs up
TheGirl May 25, 2011, 10:53 am
That sounds like a great idea and WAY more fun than going to a wedding. Go to the spa for some pampering, get dressed up and go dancing somewhere. Ask your bf to text you from the after party (there’s always an after party) and meet up with them if you’re feeling magnanimous.
TECH May 25, 2011, 10:09 am
You should just take the high road. Let your boyfriend go to the wedding to support his friends. It’s not his fault you weren’t invited. Be the bigger person and let him go. It’s not a matter of him not supporting you. It’s just that weddings are very expensive and you can’t always invite everyone. Don’t put him in that position of choosing them over you. It’s not fair, and frankly, you’re not the most important person in this equation.
Adler May 25, 2011, 10:24 am
Not going to lie – I’ve been in the same position as the LW before and it does make things awkward in the aftermath.
When my cousin got married a few years ago, they had a fairly large wedding (prod. 200ish guests) My parents were invited, but I wasn’t. They said they were trying to cut costs, but at the same time how much could cutting out one cousin actually save?
I would have understood if I was a little kid and they weren’t having kids at the wedding but to not invite one of his only cousins especially after having me attend showers, etc… was kind of insulting. After the wedding it took them over a year to send thank you’s to those who did attend the wedding, and as a result its strained the relationship between my family, his parents and him and his wife and new baby.
That being said the LW shouldn’t punish her bf for his friends crappy choice. She should get the other uninvited gf’s and plan a fun day/night out. You’ll probably have more fun not listening to bad speeches…
Kate May 25, 2011, 11:36 am
Wow…I guess in some families it would not be odd to not invite a cousin, but in mine it would be very odd. I would have been insulted too.
SpaceySteph May 25, 2011, 2:12 pm
I agree, but then I only have 2 cousins and they’re close to my age.
If each of your parents had alot of siblings who each had alot of children, you can get into the 30-40 cousins scenario (like my boyfriend) and over such a large age range that you don’t even have a relationship with them. My boyfriend’s oldest cousin is 46 (my boyfriend is 26- and to put more perspective on it, my parents are 49) so that person might feel more like an acquaintance or a friend’s parent than a buddy.
Not saying thats what happened to Adler, just that I can see a situation where inviting every cousin might not be so weird to a family.
Kate May 25, 2011, 7:06 pm
My mother is one of 8 and my father one of 4. I have 17 cousins, some of whom now have kids, so I agree it can very quickly add up. But in our family, regardless of number, it would be a snub if they ALL weren’t invited.
Adler May 25, 2011, 11:14 pm
As far as I know I’m the only cousin on this side of the family. I’m an only child and so is my mom (it’s her side of the fam) and I’ve never met any other cousins apart from the one who got married and his sister.
Shanshantastic May 25, 2011, 10:34 am
I’m with Wendy. It’s one damn day, and it won’t have any bearing on your relationship unless you let it. Does it suck? Sure it does — I know, because my fiance and I just went through this (I was invited, he was not). I made the decision to go to the ceremony (the most important part) and pass on the reception because I’d feel awkward fielding questions about where my fiance was, but he told me to do whatever I wanted and that he wouldn’t be upset if I chose to go to everything. I’ll tell you what, though: if he had told me that going without him would be a betrayal of our relationship, I would question the legitimacy of a relationship that hinges on something so ultimately insignificant.
As for being angry…let it go. Do what other commenters have suggested and just be happy for them — and if you can’t do that, fake it to make it. Your grace and understanding in this situation will be far more memorable than whatever you may miss on this one damn day.
MiMi May 25, 2011, 10:46 am
Am I the only one who thinks that if it’s “just one [enter event name here]” the boyfriend could also be the big one and stay home? Is that reception food going to be soooo delicious, is doing the funky chicken on the dance floor that much fun? The bride and groom are not the ones who snuggle him at night, or bring him soup when he has a man cold. He could take his woman away for a romantic weekend, they can make a pact that if they get married their wedding will be an inclusive affair, and they can both graciously listen to tales of wedding wonderment after the fact. LW can’t demand her live-in boyfriend’s consideration, but he could offer it.
RMM0278 May 25, 2011, 11:05 am
Nope you’re not the only one. In fact, I was about to say something similar when I stumbled upon your post.
I get that the bf is in an awkward situation, but putting such arbitrary rules on plus ones does create these crazy scenarios. So a couple who has been together 30 years but doesn’t believe in marriage wouldn’t get a plus one but a couple who got married Vegas last night after knowing each other for 10 minutes would? It’s putting a referendum on peoples’ relationships, i.e. we don’t view you as one unit until you go get that piece of paper.
I get that the couple was trying to save costs, and that’s their prerogative. I also think that boyfriend needs to take a stand here. His long-term, live-in girlfriend was intentionally omitted from an event. Regardless of the couple’s intentions, I do think he shouldn’t go. This is his girlfriend, not some random person he met on a blind date.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 11:12 am
I still think that’s that a really crappy thing to do to the boyfriend. You’re basically asking him to kill the friendship to justify the LW’s cattiness.
RMM0278 May 25, 2011, 11:16 am
No that’s not what we’re saying at all. (How would this kill the friendship anyway?) What we’re suggesting is that he just not go — which is a reasonable response to something like this — because his serious girlfriend was intentionally left out. She’s part of his life. To delegate her to “Random Stranger Date” category is rude on their part.
I highly doubt a friendship would end over him saying no. If anything, it would get the couple to rethink how they determine their guest list.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 11:31 am
OK. Either that, or if the LW was being any more catty she would have a litter box in Wendy’s apartment.
Britannia May 25, 2011, 3:52 pm
Spaceboy, you ALWAYS manage to get a laugh out of me on these threads 🙂
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 7:27 pm
Okay, Spaceboy761…. are you 100 percent SURE you’re not gay? Come to LA. Lets have some Mojitos…and see what happens… 😉
spaceboy761 May 26, 2011, 11:37 am
Alas, you would not be the first to bark up that proverbial tree. Through years of empirical research, my appeal has been determined to be the strongest with the following groups:
1. Gay guys
2. Bi chicks
4. Asian teenage girls
5. Classically trained singers who never shut the fuck up
After I turned 19, only groups #2 and #5 were both legal and useful. 🙁
justpeachy May 25, 2011, 3:45 pm
Trust me, not showing up to the wedding because his girlfriend threw a fit would kill that friendship. Dead. Most likely, the guy would throw the blame on his girlfriend behind her back and you know the bride wouldn’t be happy about hearing that. So now you’ve got the bride and the girlfriend who refuse to hang out together. It just becomes a big mess, especially with the cattiness already involved.
I understand that she’s not happy about this, but seriously, is their relationship so codependent that they can’t do things separately? “But weddings are couple-y things!?!” They’ll survive, and if they don’t, well, problem solved.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 7:18 pm
Again, is he dating a woman? Or a 12 year old? It’s a wedding. Grow. The heck up already.
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 3:41 pm
If him not going kills the friendship that couple is even ruder than I previously thought.
BoomChakaLaka May 25, 2011, 11:13 am
I’m totally with you on that one. Although those would be my thoughts, I wouldn’t force my bf to stay home with me. I’d like for him to make that choice on his own. And if he chooses to go to the wedding, I won’t hold it against him.
Meg May 25, 2011, 11:31 am
It’s not about the food or the party- it’s about being there to witness a major life event of close friends. Yes, these friends messed up, but probably not to the degree where he feels like he should miss their wedding.
demoiselle May 25, 2011, 12:28 pm
Blitzen May 25, 2011, 2:05 pm
Agreed. It would be nice of the bf to take a stand. I would appreciate the gesture. As for “killing the friendship”, I think these friends took the first shot by omitting his gf from the wedding.
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 3:39 pm
Agree, agree, agree, agree
Miss Mary M May 25, 2011, 5:40 pm
I am not sure why the boyfriend would go alone, either. If it were me that were invited to the wedding of someone in my and my S.O.’s social circle, and my S.O. was not invited, or worse was uninvited as it appears here, I wouldn’t go to the wedding. Wouldn’t even consider it, actually. What this couple did isn’t just rude to the LW, it’s rude to the boyfriend, too. Plus, who wants to go to a wedding alone, particularly if you know that your S.O. was deliberately excluded? And who wants to explain all night why she isn’t there? Awkward, uncomfortable and not fun.
The LW shouldn’t guilt trip the boyfriend into not going, but I can’t blame her for wondering why on earth he’d want to go under these circumstances. It’s one day. Lots of invited people cannot make it to the wedding. It’s not that big of a deal. If I were him, I’d send my regrets, along with a nice gift and make other plans.
Addie Pray May 25, 2011, 10:57 am
This *kind of* reminds me of the Friends episode where Rachel, Pheobe, and Joey don’t get to go to the Hootie and the Blow Fish concert with the others, so they stay home pouting… But I can’t remember why they didn’t/couldn’t go. Ok, I suck at making Friends references.
TheGirl May 25, 2011, 10:59 am
They couldn’t afford the tickets. However, in retrospect, I think they came out on the winning side of that… I wouldn’t want to admit I’d been to a Hootie and the Blow Fish concert.
TheGirl May 25, 2011, 4:22 pm
Wow, somebody out there likes Hootie?? Or maybe just the Blow Fish? I must know who this person is!
TheGirl May 25, 2011, 11:05 am
Oh, and if you want another Friend’s reference, how about the one where Ross got invited to their cousin’s wedding and Monica didn’t? She made Ross take her as his guest only to find out that the reason she wasn’t invited is that she used to date the groom.
Addie Pray May 25, 2011, 11:42 am
Aww, much better Friends reference.
Quakergirl May 25, 2011, 7:36 pm
So it’s really a question of “who could you possibly have done?”
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 11:10 am
You know what? All of these comments absolutely suck because they include no entertainment value whatsoever. I want this chick to crash the reception trashed off her ass and wearing white. Don’t even tell her boyfriend that she’ll be there… just stumble in the double doors three seconds before the DJ is about to announce the bride and groom while sloshing an appletini around and yelling, “HI HONEY GLAD I COULD MAKE IT!!!1!! WOW THATS A NICE CAKE!!111!!!”
BoomChakaLaka May 25, 2011, 11:14 am
I am not worthy…
Budjer May 25, 2011, 1:17 pm
Switch that Appletini to a Daisy Duke and I agree.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 1:47 pm
Ah, the Daisy Duke. AKA the White Trash Mint Julep
5 oz Every bourbon in your house
1 oz Simple Syrup
Lemon Wedge (optional)
Britannia May 25, 2011, 3:54 pm
A nip slip would seal the deal 😉
cmarie May 25, 2011, 11:25 am
I’m going to come in with the persepective of your BF. Last year my oldest friend in the world got married. I live across the country from her so it was going to be a pretty huge expense, especially considering that I was the maid of honor. I helped her plan as much as possible, took care of all the catering, etc. I had just left a pretty crappy job so I didn’t have that much money. Well, my friend ended up scheduling her wedding the day after my partner’s birthday which meant that if I wanted to go, I would have to miss her birthday. Additionaly, the bride had agreed to pay for my dress since just being there for her wedding was a huge expense for me, which she then backed out of and made me pay for. Add to that she didn’t invite my partner with the excuse that she knew we couldn’t afford it and my partner was in med school so didn’t have the time anyways. I was angry and hurt that she disrespected me, my partner, and my relationship. My parter was even more angry. In the end I went to the wedding because I grew up with her and she was one of my best friends. It wasn’t a matter of me picking her over my partner, it was simply because I didn’t want to miss such an important part of a life I have been a part of forever. Although my partner understands, she still sometimes holds it against me and pretty much hates my friend now. I understand how weddings can be tricky, but sometimes there’s no excuse for rude behavior. I love my friend but her behavior caused a huge problem in my relationship. It is actually a big deal that the LW wasn’t invited and the BF is still going, but you can still move past it. Talk to your BF and try to understand why he’s still going instead of just being angry because you weren’t invited. It sucks and it hurts but in the end it doesn’t have to ruin a good relationship.
Kate May 25, 2011, 11:33 am
Wow. Your friend really messed up here. Regardless if your partner was in med school, etc., she still should have been invited. I feel bad you were in such a sticky situation. Sadly, I find that weddings often bring out the very worst behavior in people, and I think you experienced that.
SpaceySteph May 25, 2011, 2:23 pm
While I am generally on your side that the friend got a case of the bridezillas, I think the picking a date right near your partner’s birthday is not really rude in any way. Wedding date picking seems like a pretty difficult thing- getting a day where the couple and immediate family is free, when the extended family and distant friends will be able to trave, when the venue is available, sometimes the cost of things varies by season, so the budget maybed came into play. I have a crazy demanding job and I know when I get married, picking the date will need to bend to my work schedule,if I marry my bf it will also have to bend to his different but nearly as demanding schedule, the public school schedule so my maid of honor can attend, the Jewish holiday schedule… oh the list goes on. To expect her to either know it was your partner’s birthday in the moment or to rearrange her wedding to accommate it, is kinda silly.
The offer to pay for your dress then rescinding that offer is terrible though, and not inviting your partner, plus insulting you with a lame excuse is something I would have a hard time forgiving.
cmarie May 25, 2011, 2:55 pm
The problem with the date is that she asked me what days I would be available. The wedding was thrown together in a matter of months and as they were setting the date she asked me if I could be her maid-of-honor and if there were any days that I wouldn’t be able to make. I live across the country so getting back home for her wedding required some finangling. I specifically asked her to avoid the weekend of my partner’s birthday. We had only been together 2 years at that point and I had missed her birthday the previous year to be there for my nieces birth (completely understandble). Because the date didn’t have a special meaning, they were just picking a random weekend, she had asked me to be her maid-of-honor knowing that I lived far enough away any trip back would have to be more than a one-day affair, she asked when I couldn’t make it and made a big deal about making sure I was going to be there, I found it rude that she would pick the one weekend in the whole summer I asked her not to. It wasn’t a matter of her not knowing or her wanting that date because it was meaningful, that’s why I was offended. That being said, I know that everybody’s schedule doesn’t always line up and it is unreasonable to expect the couple to take everybody into consideration but you would expect that your maid-of-honor’s schedule would mean something, especially after you asked her about it.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 3:15 pm
You’re a REALLY good friend…That’s all I gotta say.
SpaceySteph May 25, 2011, 3:56 pm
Wow. That is terrible how she offered to fit your schedule, buy your dress, but then didn’t follow through with either AND didn’t invite your partner. She probably didn’t deserve to have you as her maid of honor, since she didn’t treat you with any.
Skyblossom May 26, 2011, 12:01 pm
I have to wonder if she picked the date just so that you wouldn’t be able to make it to her wedding. Maybe she’s uncomfortable with your relationship or has relatives who would be uncomfortable or even vocally rude about your relationship and so she tried to do things that would discourage you from attending. When that failed she made sure your partner wasn’t invited.
SpaceySteph May 26, 2011, 1:20 pm
I did have this thought later. Something like mom saying “You know, your aunt so and so would have a heart attack if cmarie came with her girlfriend,” and instead of standing up to family pressure she rolled over and first tried to get you to back out, then when that didn’t work said you couldn’t bring your date.
Same thing happened on a smaller scale with my sister, when she had a girlfriend. My grandmother said to my mom “You know, my mother (our 90 year old great grandmother) would have a heart attack if she came with that girl to our anniversary party.” My mom told her to shove it, but not everyone is capable or willing to take that stand.
cmarie May 26, 2011, 1:41 pm
I’ve always been open about my sexuality and my relationship and since I’ve always been close to this girl, her family knows about it. They’ve actually been very accepting, even her 90 year old, slightly racist, grandma. I know it wasn’t because of that. I actually a few members of her family ask about my partner. My friend was pretty insistent that I be her maid-of-honor too, although she made that pretty difficult. The truth is, she’s always kind of been off in her own bubble of reality so she’s sometimes inconsiderate of others. She doesn’t do it on purpose, she’s just oblivious. She really has a good heart, jut not the awareness of how her actions hurt others sometimes. We’ve had talks about it and I’ve learned not to take her too seriously. We’ve been friends for over 20 years and despite how bad it was I’m not ready to end it. My partner understands this even though she’ll probably never get over her behavior. In the end she apologized, saying she forgot about that weekend and her husband was the one who insisted that I cover the dress. No excuse but I made the decision to move past it and not let it ruin my oldest friendship.
HmC May 25, 2011, 11:34 am
Omg what is *with* people being so damn entitled and insecure that they are threatened by not being invited along with their significant other to a stupid wedding? Be happy and grateful that you have a good relationship! Even if a couple getting married doesn’t respect your relationship (which is not necessarily what they are saying by not inviting you) who cares?! No one OWES you or your significant other or anyone else an invite to their wedding. I just don’t buy into all these formal rules about significant others having to be invited. Suck it up people. Is it really the end of the world to do things without your significant other sometimes? Guess what single people do all the time?
Britannia May 25, 2011, 3:58 pm
I don’t understand the purple thumbs on your comment. You may be brash, but you speak the truth. Plus ones are a LUXURY, not a necessity. A wedding will probably be the most expensive party anyone ever throws… and people treat invitations like they’re a divine right. Sorry, but I don’t believe that someone should be out $300 because even though they don’t know you/your date that well, you want them to pony up the cash because otherwise you’ll be “uncomfortable”.
Being “uncomfortable”, or not having a good time, is YOUR doing. Your mental state is YOUR responsibility, and wonderfully enough, you have full control over it. CHOOSE to be happy and have fun, meet new people or whatever, instead of pout and deliberately have a horrible time!!
Britannia May 25, 2011, 4:29 pm
I would really like to know the purple thumbs’ stance on what I have to say about this issue. From where I’m coming from, it seems to me like the people who thumb this down don’t like the idea of being responsible for the way they react to their environment/situations, instead of being able to blame others for their negative reactions.
HmC May 25, 2011, 6:05 pm
Thanks. My comment was brash, but, I feel like I’ve articulated myself on this topic fairly diplomatically, and frankly I’m a little fed up with the general attitude of entitlement. I like your stance on personal responsibility. If you can’t have fun at a wedding without your SO, or if you take a non-invite of your SO as some personal affront to your relationship, then those are your issues, not the bride and groom’s!
And I like this: “Plus ones are a LUXURY, not a necessity.” I was just thinking about how even the invite to someone’s wedding is a *privilege* to spend a very special day with someone who wants you there, not a *right* you get just by knowing someone, even if you know them well!
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:09 pm
More Sanity. More Reason! Thumbs up!
Katie May 26, 2011, 2:16 am
i think you are very right, but this LW is “friends” with these people. we dont know how good of friends they are, but excluding 3 friends from a social circle just seems wrong to me.
Emsz May 26, 2011, 4:18 am
They are called SIGNIFICANT others for a reason. That person you’re excluding is SIGNIFICANT to the person you are inviting, and to them it feels as though you don’t consider them to mean anything at all. What they are basically saying is that even though the LW has been around for two years, they don’t think that she will be around for much longer, so they don’t invite her to their wedding. They are passing judgement on the relationship of the LW, deeming it unworthy.
Sarah May 25, 2011, 11:39 am
I’m sorry if it comes off really immature, but I would be one of the people to be super piiiiiiiissed if I didn’t get invited to a wedding and my live-in boyfriend did. Its so rude to go out of your way to make a person feel rejected that way to just save money. ESPECIALLY since its not like some distant relative of her boyfriend getting married, its THEIR friends, friends that will be a constant reminder of the diss she got. And I’m sorry, you have to be an absolute idiot or rude as hell to pretend not to notice that this will cause trouble between a girlfriend and boyfriend.
I think the only way I would be able to feel good about him going without me is if he made sure I was ok with it first. If he gave me the option to tell him I would rather he didn’t go and he wouldn’t. Then I would feel better about him going. At least then I would have a little say in my own relationship, if I didn’t for that invitation humiliation.
Oh, and I’ll tell you this much, I’d get mine when the tables are turned and my wedding showed up and this girl was expecting an invitation. I’m not sure if I’d let the really vindictive side of me take over and invite everyone AROUND her except her like she did to me (I’m superimposing myself in Lw’s place. What? That’s healthy.), or I’d let the shaming part of me take over and invite her especially in person and give her a place of honor in the wedding to make her feel really guilty. I’d do something, that’s for sure. Mama never forgets.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 11:46 am
I agree with your first & last paragraph. I would be really upset too, & def. would not be inviting these people to my own wedding, if they were still around, but I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to have to ask me. I feel that’s a **little** on the controlling side. It would be nice if he did, but I wouldn’t expect it.
I suggested this above, I thought maybe if the LW spoke with her bf & he felt like pleasing both sides, he could leave the reception early. He’ll be there for the important stuff (i.e. ceremony, first part of the reception when they announce the couple) & then he could excuse himself nicely & leave. That would show that he respects the bride & groom as friends, but also respects the LW as his serious s/o who was very rudely **not** invited. I think it would make a bold & classy statement on his part & maybe the bride & groom will realize they were very wrong. (even though it wouldn’t matter much at that point) But I presume they will all still be hanging out frequently…
Sarah May 25, 2011, 11:53 am
Yeah, it does comes off controlling and bitchy. I should’ve worded it better. I wouldn’t *make * him have me make the decision, but I would sit him down and say something along the lines of “I really had my feelings hurt by this, and I feel like I have no say in anything. You wanting to go so badly without thinking about my feelings makes me feel like you’re on their side about this and it makes me feel rejected AND embarrassed.” Then if I know my boyfriend he’d say something like “I never wanted to make you feel that way, you know your feelings matter more than theirs.” then I’d be like, “Ok, thank you for noticing my feelings, I feel much better about you going.”
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 11:54 am
Yes, that makes more sense & I agree with you. I’d talk to my boyfriend too about my feelings. I think the bride & groom are in the wrong here & have been very rude about this whole situation. Regardless of costs & wedding stress…
Julzie May 25, 2011, 11:56 am
I for one would be damn sure to invite ONE of them. Bwahhahahah
Sarah May 25, 2011, 12:10 pm
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 1:21 pm
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 3:48 pm
im so glad im not the only one who might let my vengeful side win out
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:10 pm
Such pettiness. Very attractive, ladies. Very attractive! So hot! You’ve all been watching too much REAL HOUSEWIVES… Ugh.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 6:18 pm
I don’t watch the Real Housewives…
Sarah May 25, 2011, 6:36 pm
You’re kind of a buzzkill.
Julzie May 25, 2011, 7:22 pm
I was coming from more of an “evil villian twirling his mustache” kind of a place (hence the bwahahaha), but I suppose i could just as easily be an “evil real housewife twirling her mustache” 😀
AnitaBath May 25, 2011, 12:11 pm
Ha, I was reading this and thinking, “Man! This sounds so over-the-top angry and vengeful!”
And then I realized OhmygodI’dtotallydotheexactsamething….
Kate May 25, 2011, 12:12 pm
I always look forward to your comments, since I nearly always agree and they are hilarious.
Elle May 25, 2011, 1:29 pm
Wouldn’t it be nice to send an invite saying “Mr. OR Ms. Smith”? I would soooo want to do that! Using the same reasoning – hey, I can’t afford to have you both at my wedding, but one of you can come – I don’t really care which one of you, you figure it out?
Nah, I probably wouldn’t do that, since by the time I get married, they wouldn’t be my friends anymore. Really, how much does it cost to have someone at your wedding? $100-$200? That’s a small price for friendship.
Britannia May 25, 2011, 6:20 pm
Forcing someone to choose between $200 and your friendship is a really great indication that you are not, in fact, a real friend at all.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:26 pm
Really? You know what’s even a smaller price, Elle? Behaving like a grown up and not taking each and every little thing as a personal insult — not to mention one that has to be avenged. Now THAT would actually be the small price to pay for a friendship. But apparently, it’s a price that far too few of you on here are big enough to endure.
Elle May 25, 2011, 8:00 pm
@bittergaymark – don’t you ever fantasize about stuff? Stuff you would like to do, but will never do because of morals, society, want to be the bigger person, other shit I can’t come up with? I was fantasizing! My bad for writing it on DW.
In this case, the bride&groom invited a bunch of friends, with a few exceptions (at least that’s what it says in the letter). As the exception (I try to put myself in LW’s shoes), I would evaluate my friendship with those people. They obviously don’t think I’m that important to them. No revenge needed. Just some distance.
Julesoola May 25, 2011, 10:22 pm
Gosh! So ANGRY! Rawr!! Where’s SnarkyGayMark or CanTakeAJokeGayMark?
Elle May 25, 2011, 8:46 pm
I wouldn’t say “forcing”. More like the couple “chose” not to pay that money for the LW. And it does give an indication as to how much they value the friendship with the LW. Your conclusion still stands though.
Elle May 25, 2011, 7:48 pm
I think I was misunderstood. The bride values the LW’s friendship less than the friendships of the people she invited. And since we’re talking about not being invited to a wedding because it’s too costly, we can also put a price: the bride values the LW’s friendship at less than $100 or whatever it costs. So why would the LW still want to be friends with the bride? Plus, the bride and groom were rude – it’s plain rude to dis-invite someone.
Now, I’m from a different culture. But being specifically told NOT to come to the ceremony is just outrageous to me. The church does not belong to the bride and groom. It is a place of worship, and anybody is welcome there.
In my culture, everybody who comes to the wedding pays their own way, and gives some extra money for the couple. Only close family members, if they want to and can afford, give presents to the couple, in addition to paying their own way at the wedding. I don’t know if it’s better or worse than in the US, but there’s definitely no drama when deciding whether to invite plus ones. And the people who don’t want to come to the reception come to the ceremony to congratulate the couple.
I went to a wedding in the US. Oh, the blunders… I got a +1 invite. I was offended (!), because I was single, and the couple knew that. I asked the groom where they’re registered… I now know I should have asked someone other than the bride or groom. And I gave them a check, since they weren’t registered anywhere. Oh, the horror!!! I paid my way at the wedding, plus some extra, instead of buying them a toaster or a $10 useless book like another friend did! (I also gave them a card, but that’s not a blunder.)
Really, if I were the boyfriend, I would have told the bride and groom – how much would it cost to have my gf there? And paid the money on the spot, and avoid all the drama. Again, pay $100 and avoid having hurt feelings all around? So worth it!
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 7:59 pm
But it might not just be 100 dollars… I mean, what if there are like ten to twenty other people in similar situations? Then they should come to, I suppose? Just add another couple of thousand dollars to the budget! What? Now we are over the venue capacity? Move the wedding! I mean, god forbid some friend’s whiny, far too easily offended semi-significant other miss a wedding…
Britannia May 25, 2011, 8:14 pm
I think that the way your culture does weddings makes it much easier to not make etiquette faux pas, but we’re dealing with an “American wedding”, here. If the parents are paying for the wedding, THEY ultimately decide the requirements for the guest list. If the couple is paying for the wedding, it’s pretty safe to assume that they have a strict budget. Saying that they’re “putting a price on the friendship” is incredibly unfair. You’re basically saying that if a couple is strapped for cash, they should choose to pay for a friend’s dinner rather than their car insurance. That’s illogical, and selfish on the friend’s part. I think that people place far too much emotional significance on the whole invitation thing, when it’s really simply a matter of money. I’m quite sure that unless the couple really DOESN’T like the LW, if they had the money, they would have included her.
As for the idea of the boyfriend offering to pay for the girlfriend to be there, I think it’s a pretty good idea – frankly, if someone I couldn’t afford to pay for offered to pay for themselves, I would let them come because obviously they sincerely care about being at my wedding. But in the United States, people rarely – if ever – offer to do such a thing. The general idea is that it would be tacky to have anyone else pay for a bit of the wedding, because the couple is “throwing the party” and if they can’t afford it, they shouldn’t have one at all… even if that means that the couple has to drive themselves deep into debt in order to accommodate everyone. It’s a very self-centered and callous method of approaching such things, but for some reason that I don’t understand, it is still considered socially appropriate to have such an air of entitlement.
Elle May 25, 2011, 8:36 pm
That’s another thing I don’t understand… Again, culture. Newlyweds should not start their lives together deeply in debt. Some of them already have student loans, now they have to borrow money to have a wedding. When will they be able to afford to buy a house? Or have kids? Or save for retirement? Or [gasp] go on vacation?
And guests – why would they expect to be treated like royalty by a broke couple? Someone wrote here that their family was offended because the bride and groom could not afford to pay for airfare and hotel? Maybe it’s the culture thing again, or the fact that I had to work for everything I have, but I don’t expect (or request) anyone else to pay for me. If I want to be there, I’ll pay for everything. If I can’t come, I’ll send a nice check, since I saved all that money by not coming. But that’s just me
Kate May 25, 2011, 8:46 pm
@Elle: I agree with you. But not ALL Americans think they should go in debt for a wedding. As someone who planned a wedding, I will attest that people do indeed lose their minds during this time. I was raised Catholic, so I was raised to think a wedding was about the MARRIAGE, not the day you get married. I have seen other comments here saying the same thing (on other posts). While I was planning, I became kind of disgusted by the entire process, TBH.
But the standard rule is: if you have a party such as a wedding, guests are not expected to pay. Remember, in the past, the bride’s parents paid for the bulk of the wedding (regarding debt). I think that has changed, however.
sobriquet May 25, 2011, 12:22 pm
This really irked me. I agree with the advice wholeheartedly, I do, but… if you can’t invite all your friends to your wedding, then don’t make a big fucking to-do about it! Don’t talk about it around people who aren’t invited. It is tacky tacky tacky.
A social acquaintance of mine is getting married next month. When I heard about her engagement, I congratulated her and asked some general questions about the wedding. She told me that she was having a smallish wedding and regrettably could not afford to invite everyone. It was kind and understandable. And… I never heard about the wedding again! She *shocking* had OTHER things to talk about when I saw her!
So, I feel ya, LW. Your friends are being extremely tacky, but try not to let it get to you. And don’t take it out on your boyfriend, as long as he seems disappointed that you can’t go. He’s probably not going to have much fun without you, anyway. It’s a wedding, for godsake.
HmC May 25, 2011, 12:25 pm
Despite my comment above, I definitely do agree that jabbering on constantly about an event in front of someone that you know isn’t invited, is indeed tacky.
Budjer May 25, 2011, 1:22 pm
He definitely won’t have as much fun without the LW there….I’d wager it probably almost feels like a chore now.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 1:31 pm
That’s an excellent point. Men typically don’t even like weddings!
fallonthecity May 25, 2011, 5:09 pm
“If you can’t invite all your friends to your wedding, then don’t make a big fucking to-do about it! Don’t talk about it around people who aren’t invited. It is tacky tacky tacky.”
Yeah! Seems like the couple could have avoided this problem if they’d thought about it for five seconds before telling everyone to save the date. But I do agree the LW shouldn’t take it out on her BF.
demoiselle May 25, 2011, 12:25 pm
What a terrible thing to do. I think I’d express my hurt to my husband and ask him to consider declining. It seems like such a purposeful slight.
And even if it wasn’t *intentional,* you learn a lot about people’s opinions of you from their wedding invitations. Sometimes the hurt never goes away. I mentioned on a previous post that I have much older half-siblings from my dad’s first marriage. I remember being at a family gathering with my dad and his older kids, and discovering that I was the only sibling not to be invited to my niece’s wedding. No one but me, dad, and my sister (mother of the bride) knew, so everyone else was saying “see you in September! see you at the wedding! we’ll talk to you then!” and I was crushed. And I was crushed that my dad was too grateful to have been invited at all to stand up for me. And I was pretty hurt when the invite finally came, because I was a second stringer and they’d waited to see if enough important people declined. There were a lot of tears shed over that.
For my dad’s sake, I went to the wedding graciously and had a good time and never said a thing. But I never forgot that he didn’t say anything to my sister. And the hurt doesn’t go away. I couldn’t expect my dad to choose one kid of another, but I sure as heck could expect my husband to choose me over a friend who left me off the list.
It’s not good all around. Weddings are really dangerous, cause you never know who you may hurt. (And its supposed to be about love and togetherness!)
HmC May 25, 2011, 12:30 pm
“It seems like such a purposeful slight.”
What do you mean, purposeful in what way? Like, the couple did it to intentionally be mean because they secretly don’t like the LW? I think that’s a stretch. And, even if it’s true, then she should be glad to not be invited to people that would use *their wedding* as an opportunity to send her that message.
I think the more likely scenario is that the bride and groom, *shocker*, actually could not afford to have endless people at their wedding and had to make cuts somewhere. It’s possible they even felt bad about not inviting her.
I really do not understand all of this entitlement and anger. It’s a wedding. It’s their wedding. They can invite who they want. If you think it’s a purposeful slight meant to hurt your feelings, I think you’re either being way insecure, or, if you’re actually right, then you dodged a bullet by not attending the wedding of people that don’t want you there. Life goes on. It’s one day. If you have an amazing relationship, who cares if some couple may or may not recognize it as such.
demoiselle May 25, 2011, 12:35 pm
The LW and her boyfriend are both friends with the couple getting married. The attend the same social functions as a group. The LW had a reason to believe that she was *part* of the friendship group, and the way the invitations fell out made it clear that the couple see her not as one of their friends, but as someone inconveniently attached to their REAL friend, her boyfriend. This isn’t a situation where they couples involved live far apart and don’t see each other often. They are in the same social circle, the LW had reason to believe that she was on equal footing with her BF, and the invitation made *very clear* that she is not.
That’s why it seems like purposeful slight. If would be different if she was a girlfriend who hardly knows the engaged couple. But when they are in the same circle, even if the engaged couple did not *plan* to slight her, they effectively showed her that she’s a less valued friend.
Ouch. That’s wrong.
demoiselle May 25, 2011, 12:39 pm
My sister didn’t *intentionally* slight me by inviting my dad, my mom, and my six siblings and all of my neices and nephews to her daughter’s wedding (and I acknowledge that mom do not have full control over invite lists) but the fact that the situation was even allowed to happen shows where you stand. I’m sorry, but it does. It says “this one person out of our defined family/friendship group isn’t worth a $70 dinner plate.”
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:29 pm
Actually, in your case it VERY MUCH was a personal and very much intentional slight. Which makes me think there is much, much more to the story than you are telling….
demoiselle May 26, 2011, 7:59 am
It’s not very nice to imply that I did something to deserve the slight. Are you trying to salt the wound?
bittergaymark, I posted my parents story in pretty great detail on the Office Romance post. In short, my six siblings are from my dad’s first marriage. They are thirty years older than me. My dad and their mom divorced after they had all grown up and moved out of home. Then my dad married my mom, who he had met at work (but there was no affair). I was born *after* all this. There was nothing that I ever did to cause the situation or be “disinvited” — unless being a much younger stepsister is enough to be the only person in the extended family left off of the list.
I can understand the *logic* of it, of course. But my point above was that being left off wedding lists makes it very clear where you stand in a family or friend’s estimation. My mother grew up with her half-brother, and taught me to believe that my siblings were real brothers and sisters to me. And apparently my siblings don’t feel that way. And I was pretty devastated to have that fact shown to me this way.
demoiselle May 26, 2011, 9:16 am
That should read “half-sister” not “stepsister.”
HmC May 25, 2011, 12:41 pm
I understand your explanation, and I’m sure my feelings would be a little hurt under those circumstances as well. I guess I just don’t see it as of big as a deal as others seem to. Do people *have* to invite everyone they like or are real friends with to their wedding? In my opinion, no.
demoiselle May 25, 2011, 12:46 pm
Context means a lot. I imagine different readers are imagining different levels of intimacy between the group of friends, which changes how the situation comes across.
That said, when I was planning to have a wedding reception (which I since decided not to have), a younger woman I’ve known casually–and mostly online–since she was 13 made a comment which made it clear that she expected to be invited to my wedding, and would have traveled from her job on the other side of the planet to attend. I was astonished, because it never occurred to me that I meant so much to her that she’d want to be there–but then, I guess I was more of a “mentor” to her in her high school years than I’d realized. I was glad that I had the warning, because if I’d hurt her by not inviting, I would have felt so bad.
I’m glad I decided just to have parents, grandparents, and siblings at my wedding. It made the invite list much simpler, and no one has been hurt.
HmC May 25, 2011, 1:00 pm
Yes, it really is amazing how personal and seriously some people seem to take weddings. It’s almost political! And it’s all enough of a mess to seriously make me want to elope, or do as you did and just have a small family thing. I mean really, a marriage is supposed to be a beautiful thing. Who wants to deal with a bunch of people’s baggage and insecurities? Oh, you get to be Maid of Honor, you don’t get to be a bridesmaid, you can’t come, you can come but not your annoying girlfriend, blah blah blah. Who needs it?
I guess for me, I only care about weddings insomuch as they bring happiness and togetherness to mark a significant occasion. If I’m included, great! But if not, that’s ok too. People taking things so personally, like not being invited, just seems unnecessary to me. I would hope that people would be secure enough in their interpersonal relationships, that one invite on one day wouldn’t send them into hysterics of anger and resentment.
Admittedly, I’m pretty far on one side of the spectrum as far as not taking things personally generally… and in the rare case that someone is purposely slighting me, then oh well, life goes on. I’d rather focus on the people who do want me around.
Quakergirl May 25, 2011, 8:32 pm
“This isn’t a situation where they couples involved live far apart and don’t see each other often. They are in the same social circle, the LW had reason to believe that she was on equal footing with her BF, and the invitation made *very clear* that she is not.”
That’s, I think, the most reasonable explanation for why she’s upset about not being invited (and from the letter that does seem to be why she’s pissed about the invite). Even if, theoretically and on an intellectual level, you understand the friends can’t invite everyone, it does still hurt to have it laid plain like that– when you would have expected both of them to be invited. I wasn’t invited to Quakerboy’s oldest friend’s wedding this summer even though we’ve lived together for nearly 2 years, but 1) we’re not engaged or married, 2) I’ve never met the bride or groom, 3) they live a plane ride away, and 4) they have a toddler, and the money for an extra guest could really be better spent on a college fund for him. However, if it was someone I knew well and saw regularly as a member of each other’s primary social circle (and assuming they didn’t have the toddler issue), I’d be hurt, too. Not because it’s a slight on our relationship but because it would seem like a slight on our friendship.
courtney May 25, 2011, 3:03 pm
That really sucks, and makes it awkward for the entire family when there was no reason for that. I would be really really hurt if my sister or brother allowed that to happen, just like on the opposite side, I would never allow that to happen to them.
Of course, there is family drama in my family, and one of my dad’s sisters and one of his brothers (He’s one of six kids), an aunt and uncle of mine, have created a lot of family tension and I would seriously consider excluding both of them from my wedding. And we used to be a tight knit family, but this past Christmas was the first Christmas in my life that we all didn’t get together. Don’t know if i’d actually go through with it though.
Vicki May 25, 2011, 12:27 pm
I think it really is a matter of the LW sucking it up and not putting the blame on her SO. They had to make budget cuts; that’s the reality of it.
Also, maybe ask your boyfriend to ask the couple if you could show up later in the evening? The whole point of cutting people at the reception is to save costs per plate. (Since it is super-expensive.) But what if you show up once dinner is no longer being served, and just show up for dancing? It’s worth a shot…
courtney May 25, 2011, 4:28 pm
How awfully pitiful and embarrassing. I think you offered that advice with the best intent in mind, but I can’t imagine asking my boyfriend to do that or being asked by a wedding guest on the other side of it.
SweetChild May 25, 2011, 12:31 pm
Probably the thing that makes me feel the worst in the whole world is being left out of things. In my opinion that is awful of them to do that to you and invite most other people in your social group. And I also totally get why it’d be upsetting to you that you bf is going. Sorry I don’t have any advice particularly (it’s really late I need to go to bed or I’ll fall off my chair) I just wanted to say I totally get where you’re coming from and why it hurts. 🙁
Wendy May 25, 2011, 1:31 pm
If the wedding is local, I see nothing wrong with going to the wedding, and then heading for the exit before the reception. I had a small wedding (luckily I had room for the +1’s) but walking down the aisle I was surprised to see the parents and siblings of 2 bridesmaids. Their families just wanted to see the wedding. I thought it was sweet. They went thru the receiving line, wished my husband and myself the best, and left.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 1:56 pm
Oh, grow up. These days people move in together and play house at the drop of the hat. This is a wedding. It is a celebration of marriage… Like it or not, when you decide to move in and play house, some people see that as a statement that you don’t value the institution of marriage or vows… Not saying that I feel this way, but some people still do.
And as far as making your boyfriend feel bad that he isn’t standing by you and blah, blah, blag, again, grow up. Seriously, just grow up and learn to pick your battles better. Some people seem to go out of their way to make everything a personal attack… This whole letter reeks of unnecessary drama… Trust me, it isn’t very attractive.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 2:02 pm
I don’t think that’s entirely her reason for getting upset. A big part of it was that she considered these people her friends, as they hang out frequently, & they told her to save the date. If she barely knew them, I’d totally agree with your comment, but there’s more to it than that.
But yes, its immature of her to get uspet at her boyfriend & expect him not to go.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 2:02 pm
If I were gay, I would want you so hard.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 2:11 pm
Buy how good of friends are they really? I mean she has only been with her guy for two years? How often do they really see on another. I have tons and tons of friends that I see socially all the time that probably wouldn’t make the cut to my wedding, and they wouldn’t expect to as I wouldn’t make the cut either. A wedding isn’t something that you invite every friend you have to, its where you want the most important people in your life to gather… I am sorry, but I don’t see how she qualifies as she is so new in their life…
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 2:22 pm
Well from the wording in her letter I got the impression that they were close friends…If that weren’t the case, my opinion would def. change.
spaceboy761 May 25, 2011, 2:24 pm
I absolutely agree. We have to be realistic… sometimes we’re the lead actors in other people’s lives and sometimes we’re the schmucks who push the flats across the stage in the dark.
I think the one thing that makes this sting for the LW is the couple basically telling her that she would be invited and then her not making the cut. I agree that that sucks, but budgets happen. For all we know, she could have induced that verbal invite on behalf of her boyfriend like two +1 girls did to my wedding. Luckily, I’m a sap and decided to write a slightly bigger check, and they received a gracious invite even though the bride-to-be was less than thrilled about it. Either way, she seems intent on making the event about herself and ruining her boyfriend’s experience there.
Newsflash to LW: Guys will only put up with so much of this crap. I calmly take a LOT of shit from Spacewife on a near-hourly basis, but I get pissed when she starts telling me how to deal with my friends.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 5:45 pm
So true. And then when you do get fed up — you’re told that you need to be more understanding of her needs and blah blah blah. Considering how sensitive and intuitive most women claim to be, far too many have tremendous difficulty seeing anything other than their own point of view…
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 9:51 pm
I love how you seem to always get away with generalizing on this site… Every time I’ve done it, I’ve been eaten alive. Kudos to you!! You certainly were kidding when you created your DW name 🙂
LTC039 May 26, 2011, 8:51 am
trillian May 25, 2011, 2:13 pm
While I might have sugar-coated it just a teensy bit more… I agree with your second paragraph.
It must be exhausting to be as easily (and I imagine it must be constantly as well) offended that.
trillian May 25, 2011, 2:14 pm
* AS that. Typing fail.
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 3:55 pm
If a mutual friend invited your partner to their wedding but not you, would you think its ok because you are “just playing house”?
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 5:51 pm
Actually, I probably would. Depending on how well I actually knew the other couple. If they were his life long friends and I’d known them only a year or so and had maybe been out to dinner with them a few times and said hi’s and bye’s at group functions, I would NOT be all that upset if I was left off the list — especially if there were others who were cut for similar reasons… But then, I clearly don’t revel in petty drama and run around town looking to be insulted. Instead, I’d think to myself, okay, maybe they don’t feel like blowing 75 dollars or so to feed me a mediocre meal of semi-warm chicken… So be it. I’ll go out with some of my friends and have some me time… But then, I am not the insecure type who CONSTANTLY needs to be reassured hourly that my boyfriend is always on MY side…. 😉
tbc May 23, 2018, 10:25 pm
i agree with the comment.
Calliopedork May 25, 2011, 1:57 pm
As much as I agree with that wendy’s advice would be the right thing to do. I’d still ask my boyfriend to decline and not to lie if the couple bothers to ask him why
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 5:52 pm
And he will just LOVE you for it. As will they. Maybe you could also take out an ad denouncing their wedding in the paper, too, while you are at it.
Alittlelux May 25, 2011, 2:02 pm
I have to ask–and please be honest with me–why does this always come down to being rude or tacky, when, in many circumstances, the bride and groom just cannot afford it? It really does bewilder me that wedding guests and those not invited get so offended, even when costs are the reason for the lack of an invitation. Maybe I’m thinking of the big picture way too much, but I remember my cousin had to institute the “no ring, no bring” policy. And because of that, she was able to invite more members of our huge family that they wanted at the reception. It seemed like a non-issue when she explained it and I was shocked at the number of guests who b*tched about not being able to bring a date, even when they KNEW it was because she and her husband couldn’t afford it.
kate May 25, 2011, 2:06 pm
So if people aren’t married they don’t count?
Alittlelux May 25, 2011, 2:11 pm
I’m sorry, I should have elaborated: All spouses and couples they both knew and couples that lived together. It was what they had to do to accommodate the budget.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 2:15 pm
Sometimes, no. They don’t.
cmarie May 25, 2011, 2:40 pm
So if your partner of several years wasn’t invited because you guy weren’t married, you wouldn’t have a problem with that? Even though you most likely (depending on where you live) can’t get married?
Britannia May 25, 2011, 4:03 pm
Being gay and not invited to a wedding because you’re not married is a WHOLE different ball game than being straight and not being married.
Straight people have the luxury and liberty of choosing whether or not to get married. Gay people are not ALLOWED that luxury of choice. It’s completely unfair, and it should not be held against them in such a situation.
cmarie May 25, 2011, 4:11 pm
But then you have to decide how long a gay couple has to be together before you invite them. Then you have to explain to the straight couples who have been together just as long why only one of them is invited. It’s a lose-lose situation.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:00 pm
You’re all making this much more complicated then it is. Even if you can’t get married in this FUCKED-UP, declining-fast, formerly -fine nation of ours — you CAN exchange rings and you CAN have a commitment ceremony and you CAN legally draw up papers placing you in a domestic partnership. So take that AS a marriage then. This means that,yes, had we had NOT thrown ourselves a commitment ceremony and done the ring-a-ding-ding thing, then I would have no problem whatsoever with it. Honestly. Then again, I find weddings tedious and rather boring unless I am really deeply connected to the people getting married. Face it, most weddings are a parade of tacky fashion choices and badly executed toasts… They simply are NOT the PORN to most men that they are to you ladies…
Britannia May 25, 2011, 6:06 pm
Completely off-topic question: Do you have a blog or website or something that I could follow? I really appreciate your opinions.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:56 pm
Thank you for the kind words. I am presently working on a launching a blog or some sort but am struggling with my own psychotic-perfectionist demons, and keep getting bogged down.
On a side note, if anybody is in LA this week, I am performing in a slew of improv shows… 😉
Britannia May 25, 2011, 9:01 pm
Honestly I’d want to read your blog even if it had to be via Linux! I hope you get it to your liking soon 🙂
I imagine your improv would be hilarious… do you have someone who could record & post it on your future site?
cmarie May 26, 2011, 1:58 pm
What if you live in a state without domestic partnership? What if you simply don’t want to get married? What’s the difference between a gay couple who won’t get married until it’s actually legal and a straight couple who simply chooses not to get married? My partner and I don’t want to do the committment ceremony until our state would formally recognize it but that doesn’t mean our relationship has less value than the straight couple who got married in Vegas or the straight couple who don’t believe in marriage. My point is that it doesn’t matter where you draw the line, someone is going to get left off and get hurt. Every wedding I’ve been to, including the one where my partner wasn’t invited, the bride and groom added +1s depending on how well the knew the SO and how close the relationship was. A couple who has been dating for several years and is living together is different from the guy who picked his date up at the bar last night.
trillian May 25, 2011, 2:18 pm
The line is 100% arbitrary. Whether it’s married couples, couples living together, living together for X amount of time, dating for X amount of time… if space is restricted you have to draw a line somewhere. Many people do it that way, many people have other ways, and some people are lucky enough to have as much space as they like but I bet they still don’t invite their second cousin’s boyfriend’s mom…
Sarah May 25, 2011, 2:23 pm
Draw a line yes, but one would hope you wouldn’t do it right in between a couple.
trillian May 25, 2011, 2:49 pm
All the lines leave somebody out. It clearly is not a slight to her as an individual, as she is one of at LEAST three in this circle of friends who are left out. It seems apparent that the couple feels closer to some members of the group than to others, and chose to invite the ones they feel closest to. Nobody has to agree with them – it’s their prerogative and they don’t have to justify it. Yeah, you’d hope it wasn’t necessary, but obviously it was in this case.
They should certainly have apologized to her for getting her hopes up with the verbal save-the-date, and I would bet that if either ever gets married again, they will not make that mistake twice. But that does not in any way justify the level of personal offense the LW has taken from this.
RMM0278 May 25, 2011, 2:31 pm
That’s exactly the problem: the line is arbitrary. Think of the logic here. A gay couple who has been together for 15 years won’t be able to come as a couple, yet the bride’s cousin can go out tomorrow and marry a complete stranger and those two would be allowed to come.
Why don’t the bridge and groom just say “No redheads allowed” or “no one over 6 feet tall are allowed” or “No acrobats allowed”? It’s pretty much the same random thing.
What I’m suggesting (and I gather others are too) is to make this a case-by-case basis. Invite the couple who has been living together and are close friends (like the LW) but don’t allow the random cousin who is known to be single to bring a date. Or if you know your coworker well enough to invite him but he doesn’t have an SO. Don’t let him bring a plus one. If you’re not sure if one of your friends is in a serious relationship then you’re probably not that close to begin with and don’t invite them.
Sarah is right. You have to draw the line but NOT in between a committed couple. That’s not fair to them.
Alittlelux May 25, 2011, 2:38 pm
Apologies if the “no ring, no bring” term threw people off. I completely agree with you: it typically is case-by-case; couples the bride and groom both knew very well, committed long-term couples, spouses, etc.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:01 pm
See my reply above on handling the whole gay guest thing.
HmC May 25, 2011, 2:29 pm
Not going to every single function together does not necessarily = your relationship not counting!
I am all up on the bitter gay mark POV for this thread.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 2:18 pm
PS — I agree. This ties back in to my point about how some people just go through their lives LOOKING and HOPING to be offended, I swear.
Sarah May 25, 2011, 2:21 pm
Which is funny, because you seem to be getting offended just by the mere fact that others get offended.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:03 pm
No, I am simply trying to point out to people how foolish far too many of them often are. Sorry, but yes, stupidity and vapid selfishness irks me to know end. Most men, too. Though most women seem a bit slow on the uptake to grasp this…
Sarah May 25, 2011, 6:08 pm
Lol, I think you may have an addiction to purple thumbs.
alittlelux is dumb May 25, 2011, 2:32 pm
I think alittlelux is a selfish turd. A very not nice turd. Weddings are for lover’s not just married people. Alittlelux u stink like beef and cheese!
Alittlelux May 25, 2011, 4:17 pm
I don’t mind the beef and cheese bit. It reminds me of Philly cheesesteaks, which I quite enjoy!
TheGirl May 25, 2011, 4:20 pm
alittlelux is dumb May 25, 2011, 4:22 pm
Alittlelux, I think you might not be working with all cylinders there… Which makes your point about not inviting non-married couples more invalid. I think you should walk in the shoes of someone who knows what it’s like to not be invited to weddings bc their siginificant other isn’t allowed to bring guests. I’m sure your friend’s smell like beef and cheese too. Which, I guess isn’t an insult because you like the smell of cheesesteaks. You smell like goat cheese then!
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:04 pm
Hey, don’t blame poor Alittlelux for YOUR OWN failure to make a guy commit.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 6:09 pm
That comment made me hungry…
Britannia May 25, 2011, 6:08 pm
Hey, don’t be hating on goat cheese! It doesn’t smell bad at all! I am a proud lover of all food-related goat-made products <3
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 6:01 pm
I’m sorry…I can’t take anyone that uses another commentor’s name & adds an insult after seriously… Regardless of whether said commentor is wrong or right. Wendy, isn’t this against policy or something???
How old are you? 14?
Britannia May 25, 2011, 6:09 pm
I think the whole ‘Freedom Of Speech’ thing our country has worked very hard to obtain and maintain allows douchebags to be douchebags. They have just as much a right to be who they are, even if who they are is abrasive and offensive, as you do.
LTC039 May 25, 2011, 6:13 pm
I agree…I go by the policy of if you don’t like what I’m saying, ignore me…but I just think there’s a line b/w saying something controversial & being unnecessarily offensive…
But I guess those kinds of people, as the one that’s here on this thread, usually are incapable have anything else to say if they didn’t insult.
MissDre May 25, 2011, 6:31 pm
I agree, I think those comments should be removed. It’s ridiculously rude and immature to copy somebody’s screen name and place an insult after it.
Sarah May 25, 2011, 6:20 pm
Uh… guys… I’m pretty sure alittlelux is dumb is just Alittlelux. Don’t know why she’s having a fight with herself tho…
Elle May 25, 2011, 8:19 pm
split/double (?) personality. Go see a therapist!
Alittlelux May 26, 2011, 8:53 am
I promise it’s not me, but it did make me laugh 🙂
LTC039 May 26, 2011, 9:03 am
I didn’t think so…
courtney May 25, 2011, 2:21 pm
I just have to agree with the earlier poster that said it’s not like she is just a long distance gf- she personally knows and is friends with the couple!! I totally get weddings are expensive and cuts need to be made- but to cut off one part of a couple, just seems silly. And I think that certain friends of mine NEED some apart time from their bfs and couples don’t need to be together 24/7, but… I dont know. Either invite both of them or neither of them. Just my opinion. But also, its one day and it’ll be over, and you’ll realize how worked up you got over it, for no reason. I know i’d be pissed and probably want to tell my bf not to go, but I wouldn’t.
Amber May 25, 2011, 3:10 pm
I think it’s like SGMcG said…has she been invited to pre-wedding things like showers, bachelorette parties, etc. How close of friends are they really. Hanging out in the same social circle doesn’t necessarily mean getting a wedding invite. I think it is hard considering that the LW and her bf have been a couple for two years. I do think thought that if they are friends the bride not explaining to the LW why she wasn’t invited is kind of tacky, considering she took the bf aside and told him. Perhaps the LW thought the friendship meant more than the bride in this case. That’s all I would expect really from someone that I thought was my friend would be an explanation. I probably would feel slightly offended by the bride and groom. But, I wouldn’t hold it against my husband for going to the friends wedding in this case.
XanderTaylor May 25, 2011, 3:08 pm
I think we may be missing something. I don’t see where it says these three girlfriends are the only ones cut from the wedding. I find it highly doubtful the bride & groom would be forced to cut only 3 people. Perhaps they were 3 out 30 or 50 or 100. Who knows?
Quick wedding story: When my ex & I got married almost 30 years ago we had in excess of 450 people at our wedding, dinner, & reception. Yes, that is a 4. There were people there I had never seen before let alone met. His mom just couldn’t trim her list – just couldn’t. Anyway, I briefly saw a girl that worked with his mom, but I had never met before, said hi & moved on. Drum roll……13 months later she & my brother got married. I have always taken credit for inviting her to my wedding;)
Jshizzle May 25, 2011, 4:26 pm
I will just say that I don’t think there will be that many stories to come out of the wedding. Sit through the ceremony, wait around, sit through toasts. Eat some food, have a few drinks, get exhausted and go home.
Skyblossom May 25, 2011, 4:49 pm
“Life creates enough drama for us on its own. Why stir things up when there’s no reason to?”
Perfect advice for this situation and life in general.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:05 pm
FINALLY! Another voice of sanity and reason!!
DebMoore May 25, 2011, 4:57 pm
I understand how you feel. It hurts to realize people you thought were your friends, don’t think of you the same way. I also understand how hard it is to make a guest list that includes people you want there but staying within a limt. I went through it all, Single friends wanting to bring a random date, people asking me if they were invited, family members telling people who were not invited “I will see you there”. But I did invite SO of some people. They had to pass two tests 1.They had been together for a while (like 6 months or more) 2. I had to have meet the SO previouly. Such as the childhood friend (who I had not seen for several years) wanted to bring her boyfriend (who I’d never met) sorry he can’t come or the single friend who was using the wedding as a “cheap date” I don’t think so.
However like I said above (before I started rambling) I understand how you feel. Some friends of mine and my husbands have been talking for a couple of years about getting married, told us to save the date, then did not invite us. It hurts. And frankly I think it’s really rude to tell someone to “save the date” and then ex them off the list! I would have been fine with not getting invited if I had not been told to “save to date” (as the LW had also been told) I also understand why LW is upset with her boyfriend. I would be too! Once when my husband and I were first together, there was an event that he was invited too and told I was not allowed to come. He said no thank you. It really spoke volumes to me about how he felt about me and I feel really cemented a firm foundation in our relationship. (He has my back!) Basically the LW feels like she doesn’t matter and any way you slice it, thats gotta hurt! I guess I am not really offering any advise, but I support how you feel!
Ali May 25, 2011, 4:09 pm
I think this couple is extremely rude. Wendy made a great observation that the LW felt that he relationship wasn’t be respected, and I think she has every right to feel that way. I wonder how the newly weds would feel if the LW and her boyfriend invited and then disinvited one of them to an event of their own “to save money.” Ultimately, yes, the decision on who to invite is with the bride and groom, but I think the boyfriend should be thinking twice about whom he’s friends with, since these two are clearly the type of people who are so absorbed with having their day in the spotlight that they don’t care whose feelings get hurt. I would not go to an event like this without my SO on principle–it’s a day about love and romance, why would I want to go just to sit around with my friends? Especially if my SO is going to feel hurt and left out? As the invitee, I would feel that was disrespectful to my relationship to, as if the couple were saying, “Sorry we didn’t invite your SO, but you’d rather be at our event than with him if it came down to it, right?” If this couple is really in the “healthy commitment” mindset, they won’t be offended if the boyfriend declines the offer because he’ll feel uncomfortable attending a wedding without his partner.
dobby May 25, 2011, 5:21 pm
People first, money second, things last. If we could all live by this mantra the world would be a better place.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 6:07 pm
Right. So just go MASSIVELY into debt inviting everybody to your wedding regardless of how trivial they actually are to your own life.
WJ_WJ May 25, 2011, 6:40 pm
People seem to be desperate to cut costs for their weddings these days. I recently got invited to a wedding where I was told I could attend the ceremony and reception but that the dinner was only for a select 150 guests in order to cut costs. So I get to hang around in a strange city for 8 hours, dressed to go to a wedding, waiting for the reception to start! Hurrah!
Kate May 25, 2011, 6:54 pm
Wow…that’s all I can say.
bittergaymark May 25, 2011, 7:01 pm
Eight hours? That must be some dinner… Depending on the city, it could be a fun adventure. Go explore. Change your clothes if you want to. Or, hey, skip the wedding and just go to the reception…
Emsz May 26, 2011, 4:30 am
I love how it says: Only for a select 150 guests. Really? 150 guests is select?
DivineMuse May 25, 2011, 8:23 pm
Years ago I was left off a wedding invite list. At the time I was so furious, because the couple even invited an acquaintance they complained about all the time. While it doesn’t feel like it at the time, (the thought of a close friend not inviting you to share in their special day) years now it won’t matter to you.
It wasn’t until this entry that I actually remembered the incident and the most ironic part of all is that we have all since lost contact with one another due to long distance moves and such.
As Wendy stated, it really is one damn day and chances are even if it was the party of the year, it won’t be something you think about when contemplating your happiness and future. Stay gracious and know this will all blow over soon.
And let the boyfriend go. I had an ex that went to a wedding without me. It was awkward, but we got over it. And if we’re not together now it had nothing to do with the wedding invite and everything to do with us.
Anastasiachs May 26, 2011, 2:05 am
While I understand LW’s hurt, there’s a line that really pops out at me: “These friends and I are very familiar with each other; we all attend the same social events… ” Social events to me indicate that these are group functions that only require superficial contact, they are going out to group dinners or parties, nothing where you are sitting down and actually getting to know the person. Second, LW used the word familiar, which makes me think they aren’t great friends, and she only associates with them because of her boyfriend, and doesn’t really know the couple that well.
Because there are other plus one’s excluded that she knows of, it seems that this is a tighter knit group of friends that she, and the other plus ones, are on the outside of the friendship and at least LW, despite being with her boyfriend of two years, hasn’t gotten to know the couple that well.
Reading into the behavior, superficially, if I wasn’t specifically told that the LW was upset, I would think she wasn’t that close with the couple and didn’t really care about them, in which case, I could see it being perfectly reasonable not inviting her to cut costs, as other plus ones were also left out. If she was the only one, I’d take offense to it, but she wasn’t.
D Robertson June 9, 2011, 11:59 am
I have a similar issue and struggle with all of it. My boyfriend’s son (whom I have not met, yet I have met his other son and his wife as well as my boyfriend’s siblings/entire family – mother, 2 sisters, and brother and his spouse) is getting married at the end of the month. My boyfriend and I have recently moved in together and are now living together. Last night, he took me out and told me that he needed to start concentrating on the upcoming event and that he would be attending the rehearsal dinner and wedding/reception alone. He said he was asked by the couple to come alone to prevent drama (I’m assuming from his ex or ex-in-laws as he mentioned that the ex-in-laws would be there). He told me it wasn’t personal.
He has been divorced for 7 years and it ended not so nice I assume (I’ve only heard one side of the story – of course there are two sides – but short story, she cheated on him several times and he caught her – not sure of the chain of events, but it wasn’t a pleasant divorce from what I understand).
I am hurt by the request but I don’t want it to effect our relationship which is still new and he has gone out of his way to tell me he loves me and reassure me that I am the one he wants in his life.
I still can’t get over the hurt though and being on that end, I’m not sure if I should just plan a trip out of town over that weekend so I’m not sitting at home watching the clock so to speak or what… I don’t want this event to effect what we have together, yet I do know it will be something the family will always talk about and a reminder that I was intentionally not part of. The hurt may go on for a very long time… which is my fear. I honestly don’t want to hurt that long and if it does hurt that long – surely it will effect our relationship? I truly hope not… Any good advice on how to handle future situations regarding this and now? I don’t want to tear up every time it’s mentioned in the future. I’m seriously trying to hold it in, although very difficult – I cry when I’m hurt… it is difficult not to.
anonymours March 8, 2012, 9:23 am
No offense you mentioned you haven’t met the other bf son & he’s the one getting married? Seriously, grow up who could he & the bride to be expect you to be part in their most important day that you haven’t even establish a relationship? And you expected to be invited? You’re acting a big baby if I were you I would respect your bf wishes and move on petty things like this seriously damages a relationship. Don’t let it affect you if you start bitching & whining about this, don’t expect to be part in your bf’s family and you be the one shut off in ANY future events especially involving future grandchildren!! (btw if you start whining about not being called a grandma!)
Jen August 22, 2012, 11:51 pm
That is terrible! I would go to the wedding (church) part with my boyfriend and then leave with him before the reception.
Demke September 5, 2012, 12:55 am
It’s totally rude and tacky. If you can’t afford a wedding, don’t have one. Especially a wedding where the invitees significant other is going to be left out. This is actually the first I’ve ever heard of such inconsiderate, moronic planning of a wedding and a way to cut corners. Cut corners, not spouses/significant others. What audasity.
There’s ways to cut corners, have a Friday night wedding, a Sunday brunch wedding, elope. But for the love of Pete! only inviting one person and not their spouse/significant other? Please. That’s terrible. I would actually feel too embarrassed to do something that inconsiderate.
And if someone invited me to their wedding where my boyfriend wasn’t invited, guess what, I wouldn’t go. End of. I’d say: ‘I’d really love to come to the reception, but my boyfriend and I will be attending just the ceremony.’ If they are rude enough to invite just me and not the special someone in my life to enjoy the ‘special’ evening with, they shouldn’t take it so hard that I won’t be coming.
Seriously, where the hell does this happen? I can see a company holiday party not inviting spouses, that’s one thing. But a wedding? Come on!
Donna February 23, 2017, 12:16 pm
I totally disagree with “Dear Wendy” I too am in a 2 year relationship of which 1 year of living together. Although, we are not married we are partners for life. We love each other as much as a husband and wife. It seems the bride should know the difference between the causal girlfriend and the SO. You should have been invited!! If not, than BF needs to step up to the plate and graciously decline the invite and let them know, He would have liked to be there but not without the one he loves. Dear Wendy comments make me think she doesn’t value Love.
Dear Wendy February 23, 2017, 1:03 pm
Who doesn’t value love? Me?
tbc May 23, 2018, 10:12 pm
you’re not a wife so how would you know you love him like husband and wife? comments like these always come from non married people….YOU may love him “like a husband ” but HE hasn’t proposed so u wouldn’t say he loves you like a wife. . cause you aren’t his wife
Anonymous July 21, 2017, 10:41 am
My boyfriend of 4 years was invited to be a groomsman and I wasn’t invited all. He told he needed to go to Men’s Warehouse for a suit and then two days later says” yea babe my friend asked me if I wanted to be in the wedding and I said yes… it slipped my mind to tell u. Did it really slip his mind or did he not want me to be upset because I’m not invited . I feel like he’s embarrassed of me so he prefers to be by himself ….. mingling? Attempting to seek a replacement? Not really sure how I should feel. Right now Ive been upset for the past 3 days.
tbc May 23, 2018, 10:09 pm
you’re not his WIFE. you’re his girlfriend so why you would be so angry idk. for all you know, you’re the 4th long term girlfriend they’ve met over the years! if you put your boyfriend in a positon to diss his friends, you won’t be his wife. srop making his friends wedding about YOUR ego. let him have fun and go hang out with YOUR FRIENDS that day. this is not a big deal. get over it.
Ashley July 3, 2019, 9:58 am
I am in the same situation, moving in with my boyfriend next week and he was invited to a wedding in November (our anniversary weekend). He’s not that great of friends with the married couple, and I’ve only met them once. My issue is that my boyfriend is not only planning on attending the wedding, but his plus one is his ex girlfriend and the wedding is two hours away. He keeps saying he doesn’t like weddings, but I think he is still planning on going, even despite all of the reasons not to. I don’t want to tell him not to go, but I am extremely uncomfortable with the situation.
Me September 27, 2021, 11:11 am
This exact scenario happened to me – except I’m the wife, not the GF.
Long story short, my husband is no longer friends with what used to be his best friend from high school.
For the long story, keep reading:
I was asked to babysit my stepsons, who were and are heavily alienated and ill-behaved, so my husband could be best man at his friend’s wedding.
This “friend” of his had already gone out of his way to create unnecessary drama in our lives. Without going into too much detail, my husband realized his friend was envious of how close my husband and I were (and still are – we are best friends). The friend had been in a ten year relationship with a woman who turned a blind eye to his numerous (almost uncountable) infidelities, and who even seemed to encourage them. She was/is addicted to prescription meds. The friend was one of those men who seemed to think that only males should be best friends and women exist as service vehicles. Not at all like my husband who treats me as an equal and is the most loyal, thoughtful man I’ve ever met. Being friends as children doesn’t necessarily carry through to adulthood, especially when morals, values, and ambition don’t align. My husband and his friend were going through this painful realization with each other, and although I also went to the same high school and graduated with my husband, his friend’s jealousy seemed to fuel interactions.
For the next 9 years, I bit my tongue around his friend and wife for my husband’s sake. I put on a face of joviality and went along to get along, tolerating all of the arrogance, hostility, and what seemed like bipolar behavior from that couple.
My husband, because I didn’t interfere with his friendship, slowly realized on his own that he just didn’t like his “friend” anymore. He continued to maintain an increasingly distant friendship out of obligation and out of loyalty.
Then, when my own daughter was close to high school graduation, everything suddenly fell apart for them. His friend’s wife must have finally lost her mind to her drug addiction, because she bullied me relentlessly and viciously online one day. I was shocked but not surprised. After all, my husband and I had been moving forward in life and had prestigious titles and six figure salaries, while she and her husband stagnated near minimum wage and spent their time doing soft and/or prescription drugs and trying to live in the past. I knew she was envious of me, but was shocked that social etiquette no longer mattered to her.
My husband was furious and waited for his friend to apologize on behalf of his wife’s terrible behavior (most spouse’s would do so). An apology never came. The friend tried to continue his friendship with my husband by sending mundane texts about cars and cats, without a single regard to my husband’s feelings.
My husband was shocked and appalled that anyone who wanted to be his friend would either attack or allow an attack on me, his beloved wife and best friend.
By the time my husband realized he was never going to see an apology from the friend, I had already informed my husband that I would no longer expose myself to his friend and especially not to the wife. As far as I was concerned, they were both toxic trash and not worthy of my time or energy anymore. I told husband that I understand this was his best friend from high school and have no issue with husband continuing the friendship.
My husband told me that he thought the friendship had been weakening for several years anyway, and that he often found himself sickened by his friend’s behavior, and that he had been tolerating the friend’s wife all along too. He said he wants nothing to do with anyone who would treat me the way that couple did.
He stopped replying to the friend and just ghosted him.
Moral of the story: If you care about someone, you’ll invite them+1 to your wedding. Anything less is simply the begin of the end of that friendship.
As a side note, we recently received another wedding invite from a different friend of my husband’s. Despite our ten year marriage, the invite only had my husband’s name +1. This definitely looks trashy… but then again, this new fiancé (to be wife number four, and a downgrade from wives 1-3), is trashy and loud. My husband is not excited about attending this wedding and neither am I, but we will go and leave if things get uncomfortable.