I have been with my boyfriend for about six years. We have a great relationship and he has been a better father to my child than her own father has been. We get along great, he’s an amazing cook and absolutely rocks my body in bed! I never thought I ever wanted to get married but we’ve actually been discussing it here and there and it feels right! There is one little problem though: I’m bisexual and don’t think I can be satisfied without having a woman in my life.
For many years, I even thought I might have been a lesbian, and I’d be in a relationship with a woman now if my boyfriend hadn’t come along when he did. I never long for or want other men, but there’s a part of me that has not been satisfied in many years and my feelings are growing stronger and stronger. I really don’t want to break up with my boyfriend but I have been denying this part of myself for years and it obviously isn’t going away. My boyfriend isn’t like most guys and would not have a threesome, and even if he would, I’d be afraid that it wouldn’t be enough. Should I just suck it up and deny who and what I am? I know that there are sacrifices and compromises in every relationship, so does this fall under that category, or am I kidding myself to think this is something I can just turn off? — Tired of Denying My Bisexual Desires
Yes, every couple has to make compromises and a few sacrifices, but categorically denying who and what you are should never be one of them. As much as you may love your boyfriend, you love women, too, and seem unable/unwilling/not interested in committing to a life without them (as romantic/sexual partners). That’s okay. That’s who you are. That’s what you want. What you need to do is be honest about that — first with yourself, and then with the man you’ve shared your life with for the last six years.
Opening up to him will certainly mean that your relationship will change, but clearly you aren’t 100% happy with the way things are now anyway. He’ ll probably need time to process your revelation, and then you’ll have to decide together what your desire for women means for the future of your relationship. Some possibilities: you open your relationship so you’re both free to date others; he remains faithful to you but gives you permission to explore relationships with women; you two enter into a polyamorous relationship with another bisexual woman; you take a trial break so you can date women and decide whether their company is one you can’t live without; you break up for good.
Obviously, these are decisions only the two of you can make together and you can’t make them until you discuss your feelings with your boyfriend. He deserves to know where you’re coming from — especially if you’re seriously discussing marriage. It would be deceitful — to both of you — if you married him without him knowing that your needs aren’t being fully met. There may be a chance to save your relationship and get those needs met, but the only way you’ll know is if you can find the strength to have a long overdue discussion with your boyfriend. The truth, as they say, will set you free. Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee it will be pain free.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected].