On one side I have “S,” who tells me he loves me and would never leave me, who brings out the best in me, who encourages me to take risks in life and to move out of my comfort zone. He is a great guy. He is super talented. He sings well, paints well and aspires to be a doctor and do research in oncology. He has a kind soul, with an attitude of a hero and a leader. He has given me a lot of things — emotional support and material gifts of love — and I’m really thankful for that. We talk almost everyday over text. Yet, I feel as if he is not putting much effort into our relationship. I feel like I’m always at his beck and call and say most of the sweet, cute and romantic things first before he reciprocates and follows along. I guess I want to see his “emotional and caring side” a little more.
The other man is “A.” I’m in love with his emotional side, with his brain, with the way he thinks and does things. I guess you can call me a sapiosexual, eh? Now, with S, I know I have no future. He is going to get married to a girl one day and I would be left alone. I can’t imagine something like that. Through the years, my love for him would grow and, if suddenly one day he is gone, I would be completely devastated. I just couldn’t take it. On the other hand, A has told me that he won’t marry a girl. So, it’s possible for me to try to see a future with him. But unfortunately, I haven’t spent enough time with A to understand how compatible we are with each other.
I feel like A is suffering. He wants to be with me, but the fact that I’m in a relationship is making him sad and hurt. And I’m hurt to see him get hurt. He is such a sweet guy. I’m torn between two amazing guys and I don’t want to choose. I want them both in my life. I love them both but in two different ways. It’s taking a toll on me. My heart aches. I need some clarity! — Between Two Luvahs
Oy, you’ve got so much emo going on, you should bottle it up and serve it with some pancakes. In fact, that might be a good idea — host a pancake brunch for the two lovers and see if the three of you can hash things out. Who knows? Maybe you DON’T have to choose. You talk about how society looks at you wrong if you don’t choose someone, but I don’t buy that. I think what you’re really concerned about is how S would react if he knew you were seeing A on the side. Or does he already know about A? Either way, it’s clear you aren’t getting enough from him, which is why you sought out A. And the only issue you have with A is that you don’t know him well enough to know if you’re compatible? Um… that’s what dating is for. You date to figure out whether you’re a match (and you should probably figure out that part before you start declaring your love!). So, quit making the guy “suffer” and break up with S — the guy who doesn’t put enough effort into your relationship and has already told you he plans to marry a woman one day — and give A a chance. See where things lead with him. And if things don’t work out, you can always see if S will take you back. Unless he’s already married a woman, in which case, bullet dodged, right?
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.