I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly two years. In about a month, I’m going away to Costa Rica and Nicaragua for a little over two weeks, with no contact with anyone in the United States. He’s never cheated on me before, but I’m so afraid he’s going to. I told him I was scared and he told me he would never do anything like that to me, and that I’m the only girl he wants to be with. He also said, “Why would I cheat with anyone from our town anyway? They’d tell you! And since you’re gone, I have nowhere to go outside of town.”
Should I be worried? Or was that just a weak attempt to reassure me? And if he were to cheat with someone from another town — a one time deal while I’m away — what should I do? We have no previous trust issues; I just get paranoid. — Beach Bound but Worried
I don’t believe that you have no previous trust issues and that this worry about him cheating came out of the blue. When there’s trust in a relationship, you don’t worry about someone cheating on you. I’m leaving town for a few days on my own next week and worrying about Drew cheating on me, for example, is, like, the last thing on my mind. I’m more concerned about him forgetting to water the plants on our deck than I am about him even thinking about stepping out on me. Actually, I’m probably more worried about a tornado landing a wicked witch on our back door and her stealing Miles away to be her handsome house cat than Drew cheating, but that’s probably because I was playing the baby that ukulele version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” earlier this morning.
My point is, BBBW, there must be a reason you’re paranoid. Most people don’t just go around worrying about totally unlikely things unless they have reason to believe those unlikely things perhaps aren’t so unlikely after all. But you didn’t share what that reason was and without more information, it’s really hard to advise you. Has your boyfriend been acting strange lately? Did he act strange the last time you went away and left him home alone? Has he been less — or much more — attentive lately. Has he seemed guilty? Has he seemed oddly excited about you going away? What? What is it that’s making you doubt his full commitment to you? I suggest you figure that out and then address that particular concern with him. At least that would be something substantial, something to base a discussion on, something to frame and maybe legitimize these fears you have.
Apart from that, I’m not sure what to make of his comment that he’d have to go out of town to get some side tail. Yes, that’s a really odd thing to say, especially if one is trying to reassure a significant other that he’s not going to cheat. It’s also odd that because you’re away he says he can’t go out of town. Is he unable to drive himself? Does he not have friends he can hitch a ride with? Does he not know how to take a bus? I’m not trying to instill more worry in you; I’m just trying to make some sense out of a very strange comment. Maybe he’s just a really awkward kind of guy. You would know that better than I, of course.
Anyway, without more context here, I’m having a hard time finding the appropriate words of wisdom for you. Even your question about what to do if your boyfriend were to cheat on your with some hoochie from out of town stumps me. Are you expecting him to tell you is he’s cheated? I mean, how are you planning to find out about this one-time-only indiscretion (and how is that you’ve already decided it’s only going to happen once?)? Will you snoop through his phone and email upon your return? That doesn’t sound like fun. And it doesn’t sound like a good way to enjoy your vacation either — worrying about your boyfriend the whole time you’re away.
Here’s a thought: why don’t you decide not to worry. Like, just don’t let your mind go there. Put the thoughts out of your head. And if you can’t — if there’s truly enough reason for you to be this paranoid, then maybe it’s best to break up with your guy. You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust anyway, so you might as well ditch the guy and at least have yourself a worry-free trip to Central America.
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at [email protected] and be sure to follow me on Twitter.