In Other Words: “Can I Wear Pants at My Sister’s Wedding?”

I would love to have a new column for you to read right now but the truth is I haven’t been receiving many letters lately that I find interesting enough to publish. I even went through my “hold” file, filled with several hundred letters I haven’t published and none of them spoke to me either. So I’m going to post a letter from a recent Savage Love column that reminded me of this letter from a couple months back. That will give you something to read and discuss for today, but please, if you have some drama in your life you want some insight on, email me! Bonus if your drama includes toothless groomsmen.

Ok, here’s a letter Dan Savage recently tackled:

I’m a 31-year-old genderqueer in Brooklyn with a large family on Long Island. My only sister got engaged 48 hours ago, and she’s moving fast on planning the wedding. I have two questions.

Number one question: I texted my sister the only date I wasn’t available in the next two years, which is Columbus Day weekend 2013. I have my 10-year college reunion, which I’ve been organizing. My sister texted me back that they picked this Columbus Day weekend for the wedding even though they have no idea if the places they want will be booked up. It quickly came out that they didn’t check with anyone about potential conflicts. She wants me to be the maid of honor, and I’m not sure what to do. She’s really upset with me. Columbus Day weekend is of no significance to them (it’s not the anniversary of the date they met or anything), and I can’t reschedule the reunion.

Number two question: I was born female but do not identify that way. I’m genderqueer and do not look like a girl. I have not worn a dress in 10 years and feel like I’m in drag in one. In the past, my sister said she would consider putting me in a pantsuit-ish kind of thing at her wedding, which would be great, but I am worried that now I’m rocking the boat too much with this Columbus Day thing and I don’t know if I should just leave it alone. My girlfriend, who is very pretty and feminine, said if I had to wear a dress, she’d go in a suit and bow tie.

Dan, help! If for some reason my sister can’t get her weekend, it will be because they’re rushing and everything is booked, but I have already caused trouble! Is it worth it to fight for the pantsuit thing, or should I just leave it alone and do what she wants? — Thank You So Much

I second Dan’s advice to this woman and would tell her exactly the same thing, especially the part about skipping the sister’s wedding since she didn’t care enough to check date conflicts with her immediate family.


You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at


  1. The sister absolutely should have checked OR at least had the good grace not to be unpleasant when she found out the LW couldn’t be there due to a conflict. It’s fine to not check with other people before setting a date as long as the bride doesn’t guilt-trip those same people for not being available. Also, I would REALLY hope that the bride is considerate of the LW’s wishes to wear a pant-suit. Since the LW hasn’t worn a dress in 10 years, it’s clear that this is an established part of her identity that needs to be accepted. I have a bridesmaid who had to be more covered up than the others for religious reasons: I knew that when I asked her to be a bridesmaid, and it was no big deal because that’s a part of who she is.

    1. ” It’s fine to not check with other people before setting a date as long as the bride doesn’t guilt-trip those same people for not being available.”

      I can’t like this enough!!! I am not saying it is mandatory to check with every potential guests about dates, but if you want certain people there make an effort – don’t default to assuming everything will be dropped for your special day. And if you don’t make the effort, or the dates don’t work, don’t hold it against anyone.

      1. What got me immediately was that the sister hasn’t even been engaged 2 days, and is already making unreasonable demands of people then getting mean about it when they can’t give her the answer she wants right away. LW has a previous commitment and there are a lot of people relying on her. If it is already at this level of animosity, I have to assume that the sister is like this all the time and only by completely giving in the sister on what she wants ever makes her happy- until the next time she gets told no. Somehow LW has gotten it into her head that she is the one who is the troublemaker in the family so she has to kowtow to the sister’s wants (perhaps the family has always spoiled the other sister; maybe they don’t fully accept the LW and her lifestyle? If so shame on them because she and her GF sound just lovely) but she needs to stop that, stop apologizing and “wear the pantsuit”. Totes exactly what Dan said.

  2. Well, problem #1 is probably not going to be an issue. I highly doubt the venue they want is going to be available on a holiday weekend less than a year in advance… But anyway, I agree with Dan’s advice. Engaged less than 48 hours and already acting like a jerk! If the bride sister is close with the LW, you’d think she’d be thoughtful enough to know about the LWs discomfort with a dress and work with her… But it sounds like that might not be the case… Don’t allow her to force you to do something you’re not comfortable with. If you’re not in her wedding, life will go on.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      Seriously lw could not have been more prompt in alerting them to one day in 2 years she wouldn’t be available. I honestly think the sister’s just a bitch and picked that day on purpose. That’s way too much of a coincidence.

      1. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        Hah! Me, too! As I said way back when on Savage!!

      2. FancyPants says:

        I agree. I booked my venue within a week of getting engaged, but it was because when we checked with my husband’s only sibling who would be flying in from Asia (and had expressed a serious desire to do so), he only had three weeks throughout the year where he would be able to get time off. Two of those weeks was in an extremely undesirable weather time where we would be married (I live in the North East, nobody wants a blizzard on their wedding day) – My sister and our parents okayed the remaining date and I locked it down immediately so that we could be sure he would be able to make it. It was not hard to accommodate him since he was obviously an important guest – and I had WAYYYYY less leniency than the bride in the letter has, since she still has 51 weekends in the next year available, whereas I had one and made it work.

        I felt like the bride just wants her sister to choose her over the reunion as some weird power trip/self affirmation.

  3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    Well, duh. Of course you have to wear a pretty pretty princess dress to your bridezilla sister’s wedding!! Obviously!

    Related question- I had a wonderful friend who is unable to attend my bachelorette party (because she will be having a baby!!!) send a gift box of lingerie. How in the world do I write a thank you note for that?

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      Is this a trick question? If not, I’d go with: “Thank you for the lingerie!” And maybe add a little about this or a little about that. And you could say: “Enjoy your last few days of freedom because it will be a good 18 years before you get that back, or longer if your kid sticks around long into his 20s for free food!” But make it sound sweeter than that.

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Or you could say “Thank you for the lingerie, it fits great”, and include a picture of yourself. Haha. I will pay you $5 if you do that. Do it. Do it.

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Fine, $10!

      3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Haha, I guess it’s kind of a trick question. Usually, in etiquette land, you’re supposed to say what you’re going to use the item for. “Thank you so much for the serving platter! We’re looking forward to using it when we host Thanksgiving this year!” It feels weird writting, “thanks for the lingerie! I’m really looking forward to wearing it on our honeymoon!” You know?

      4. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Ohhhhhh…. Ok, well….. 1) That rule is silly because don’t people already know what the gifted items are intended for? Like, if someone sent you plates, what are you supposed to do, say “thank you for the plates, we look forward to eating off them”?? Unless you’re planning to do something out of the ordinary, then meh I think you can forget that rule. And 2) I have no two, actually.

      5. AP – do you have cortisone cream handy? I’m concerned about your etiquette rash so early in the morning 😉

      6. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I have enough supply to get me through GG’s wedding!

      7. She’s your good friend. She bought you the lingerie with the intent that it be used on the honeymoon! Send something jokey and light. You’re not going to offend her or anything.

      8. painted_lady says:

        “Thank you for the lingerie. It’s incredibly pretty/cute/hot, and I love that you took the time to send a gift – it’s incredibly thoughtful. Fiance also asked me to thank you as well, and would like to apologize for not taking the time to admire them longer before being too occupied to pay attention to what I was wearing.”

        She knows what it’s for. She sent it. She’ll probably be thrilled and completely entertained.

      9. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        You know, I wouldn’t write anything cheeky back – at least nothing cheeky about the intended use being for sex on the honeymoon. It’s too… obvious. Just say “thanks and miss you!” Or “Thanks and LYLAS!” <— Did friends used to write "LYLAS!!" all over your yearbook or was that a Missouri thing in the mid 90s? (LYLAS = love you like a sister)

      10. lets_be_honest says:


      11. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I wrote something along the lines of “Thank you so much for the bachelorette gift! It was so thoughtful of you to send it. I love the little blue number! (GatorGuy send his thanks too 😉 ) You will be missed that weekend!! Thank you again, GG”

        Lame yes, but I like sending thank you cards.

      12. OMG – LYLAS! I remember doing that in late ’90s/early’00s Ohio!

      13. TheGirlinME says:

        AP, not just a Missouri thing. Maine, too in the late 80’s. I knew what you meant right away.

      14. lets_be_honest says:

        Where in Maine are you?

      15. TheGirlinME says:

        about 1/2 hour north of Portland in the Midcoast area. I live in “The City of Ships”.

      16. lets_be_honest says:

        Nice, my sisters in Portland. We vacation in Kennebunkport in the summer (god that sounded obnoxious)

      17. TheGirlinME says:

        Nah, I didn’t hear that in my head with one of those snobby, affected tones. A la “Dahling NO-One goes to the Hamptons anymore. We all Summer in Kennebunkport” 🙂 My grammie had a cottage on Goose Rocks Beach when I was little – we “summered” there, too!

      18. TheGirlinME says:

        LBH, are you on f/b? If you vacation up here this summer, we should meet-up in Freeport. Gritty’s has a great deck & good snacks!

      19. lets_be_honest says:

        Yea definitely. I go up 4 or 5 times at least between end of May and beginning of September.

    2. lets_be_honest says:

      Send photos of you in it?

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        or do what Addie said and send photos of you in it. (guess i should read the comments first)

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        Great minds think alike! But I guess so do average minds, so meh.

        GG, when is the big day again? I’m just trying to figure out when my sympathy-wedding-planning-anxiety is going to end! 😉

      3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Haha, Memorial Day weekend.

    3. I had this happen (different reason the friend couldn’t attend). I basically said: “Thank you for the gorgeous lingerie-I love it and will really enjoy wearing it! My fiance thanks you as well.” It was meant to be cheeky, and I knew she wouldn’t mind. Depends on the friend, I guess.

      1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        If anyone had a friend that would mind that, that friend is not worth having. (imho).

        I’m so confused though, what’s the issue here? I keep reading over the question but don’t understand what the thing is about this?

      2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I guess it feel weird to write out- thanks for something I’m going to have sex in. I must over thinking it.

      3. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        No I get it now, I didn’t realize that was the issue, that you have to write out what you’re going to use it for. If you must, you could just focus on other likely uses, like: “Thank you for the lingerie! I look forward to wearing this when I run out of regular underwear but haven’t done laundry yet!”

      4. lets_be_honest says:

        Yes, you’re overthinking it. 🙂

      5. Could be worse… you could be writing that thank you note to some older aunt/grandmom or something who got your something nice to wear on your wedding night!

      6. This is the reason I didn’t let my MIL throw me a wedding shower. When my SIL had hers 6 months before I got married, about 5 of the older ladies at the shower got her ‘something special’ for the wedding night. She about died of embarrassment.

      7. Avatar photo Pamplemousse Rose says:

        This is exactly what I have to do! My fiance’s aunt asked him what to get me for my shower and he (jokingly) said ‘can you get her something dirty?’ At least she also got me a mani-pedi gift certificate which I plan to focus on in the thank-you card.

      8. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        She did say “have some fun” on the card 😉

      9. Avatar photo BriarRose says:

        I think a friend who is close enough to you to send lingerie doesn’t need a thank you note that follows etiquette to a “T”.

        “Thank you so much for your thoughtful gift. It was definitely a fun surprise to open! I know future hubby and I will enjoy it. It was so sweet of you to think of me. Etc, etc.”

      10. painted_lady says:

        Overthinking it. That was a euphemism for “Have lots of hot sex.” People know you have sex.

  4. If she didn’t even BOOK THE PLACE yet, what is the big fucking deal about Columbus Day weekend? Sister’s busy that day—the only day she’ll be busy in a 2-year time frame—bride-to-be should pick another day, no questions asked.

    Also, yeah. Putting her in a dress would be wrong, so I don’t see why that would even be considered.

    Anyway—guys, it’s time to pull your drama out & write something juicy to Wendy 😉

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      WFS – Everybody, gather your drama and submit it to Wendy, stat!

    2. Maybe I’ll just write in as my 22 year old self and see what Wendy would have told me to do, then compare that to what I really did… Man, that would be interesting, because obviously I did everything wrong!!!

      1. SAME HERE. God, I could only imagine.

      2. And then write an update about how you totally ignored all of her advice, and were amazed that it didn’t work out?

      3. YES. And draw it out if possible. One super-defensive update attacking Wendy & ignoring all the comments, maybe shouting out one person who was an especial bitch. Then downplay the original issue you asked about (while mentioning something else you forgot, bonus points if it’s a total mindfuck) & outline your plan to do the exact opposite of what’s sensible.

        That sets it up for ANOTHER update later on, detailing the way everything failed miserably.

      4. Extra bonus points if it’s Addie Pray who is the bitch.

      5. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I love it!

      6. applescruffs says:

        Then we could have an instant update!

    3. lets_be_honest says:

      lol, I’ve been trying to think of an issue.

      Ok, guys. I’ve decided to dump Peter for the betterment of DW. We all have to make sacrifices in life. So get out there and dump your SO! Or better yet, cheat on them, with one of their parents!

    4. painted_lady says:

      FFS, my best gay is going to be in my wedding, standing on my side, and Walter’s having his best female friend. I’m not asking him to wear a fucking dress – rude! And Walter wouldn’t ask J to wear a suit! They would look silly and be uncomfortable – same goes for the LW.

  5. Lack of good drama can be a bad or a good thing for an advice columnist. I’d like to say it’s a positive thing because Wendy has helped so many people that there are now less people needing her advice. But of course we want to site to stay up and running so it might be time to dig deep and pull all the skeletons out of the closet people!

  6. Yeah, I agree that #1 will probably be a non-issue. J and I specifically chose our wedding date based on the availability of the ceremony and reception venues, so it’s unlikely that this woman will book her “dream venue” so soon. I don’t really understand acting like a dick though. Hopefully, she will get her head out of her ass and be nicer to her family, which includes letting her sister wear a hot pantsuit. Bonus points for a tophat!

  7. Even from a shallow, bridezilla POV, I don’t get the point of the bride making the sister wear a dress. Instead of having her sister looking comfortable in a pantsuit and smiling and happy to be celebrating her wedding in the pictures, the bride will instead have photos of her sister being uncomfortable, looking uncomfortable, and tugging and fidgeting with herself because she’s wearing a dress. Uniformity of bridesmaids isn’t worth making someone so uncomfortable. Pantsuit it is.

    Also, chances are slim to none the bride can book her dream venue 6 months out. I will give them a pass for picking that date, IF they picked it because it’s a 3-day weekend and the bride, groom or a lot of their friends and family will need a 3-day weekend to attend the wedding. There are other 3-day weekends, though, so I’m sure they can manage with one of them. Or manage without the LW. (Although that sucks for her, too, because I don’t get the impression that she wants to miss her sister’s wedding.)

    1. I don’t get it, either—not only would she look & BE uncomfortable, she wouldn’t even look like herself (I’m using female pronouns here because the LW just said “genderqueer” not trans*) ?

      But anyway, I have a lesbian friend who has always shopped in the mens’ section, & one day when we were at her house, someone happened to glance in her closet & saw all these blouses. Apparently, she wore women’s clothes at her job (no dresses or anything, but basic business wear). She was like, “yeahhh, I even wear earrings” & clearly, this wasn’t something she was comfortable with & it just seemed wrong.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        I know I’m saying the obvious, but man that must SUCK!

  8. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    Wendy- Have you thought of making any lists lately? Like 30 things to do before 30 (or 40 or 50), or 10 sex positions to try? Or something like that? I always like list day.

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      10?! Why, when you could do my 2 favorite ones over and over again.

      1. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I mean personally I just stick with missionary (and absolutely no foreplay) everytime but I hear some people like to get creative.

      2. applescruffs says:

        There are things besides missionary?

      3. Huh, who knew?

    2. kerrycontrary says:

      OOOH I like the idea of 20 things to do before you get married (alone, not as a couple). Or 20 things you need to do before you have children…because you can’t do them after.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Oh I can answer the second one. E V E R Y T H I N G. Ok, maybe I’m being dramatic! I still do everything I used to do, except for the drugz.

      2. “Except for the drugz” , lolol

      3. applescruffs says:

        Yeah! Or how not to marry the wrong dude. Or things that are better before getting married, and things that are better after.

      4. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Oh, I’d love to know Wendy’s opinion on “does everything change after marraige”. Everyone says that everything magically changes after you get married- even though we live together and have shared fianances etc etc. So what the heck “changes”??

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        I’d love to know Wendy’s definition of love

      6. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Oh God, Didn’t we already do that this week?

      7. HAHAHA.

  9. BGM commented on the Savage Love thread!!! Apparently he doesn’t save all of his bitterness for DW 😉
    And I second what he wrote… he was correct in February and is still correct today!

    I actually think that Dan missed the boat on the Columbus Day wedding. It seems to me that the bride to be definitely DOESN’T want her sister there. Why else chose the ONE date that the sister has a conflict with? Seriously, its a aggressively passive way of saying — “Uh, I am ashamed of you and your gender confusion. Please don’t come to my wedding.” Hey, it’s very fucked up. But honestly? That’s the only idea that makes sense here.
    Posted by bittergaymark on February 19, 2013 at 10:47 PM · Report

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      I just noticed there’s a Want a Second Opinion option and then it lists other advice columns. Wendy should be on there!

    2. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

      Hah! I rarely comment on Savage, but this letter truly warranted it. 🙂

  10. lets_be_honest says:

    Somebody please say something controversial!!

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      Addie Pray is a bitch!

      No, let’s not repeat yesterday. Ok, I’m gonna think of something controvrsial.

      1. lets_be_honest says:


      2. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        Frankly, I think it’s that dreary, petulant boy photo/avatar that has people thinking you are a bitch. A bitchy twink, too.

      3. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I like twinky bitch better.

    2. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

      I’m wondering if the wonderful forums that we all love are leading to the drought of awesome LWs. There have been some wack-o letters posted in the forums lately. Maybe Wendy should snag some of them and reply.

      I wish I had something dramatic going on but all I have is wedding crap and no one wants to talk about that anymore- including me!

    3. I don’t care at all about there being a new Pope. Is that controversial?

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        I saw something on the news last night about it. Its kinda interesting in that its history in the making with the old Pope resigning, and the possibility of a whole different kind of a pope coming in to show Catholicism in a better light. I hope they pick someone with a fresher attitude. Who knows what could come of that, maybe not hating gays for one.

      2. TheGirlinME says:

        Do you mean someone like George Carlin’s (may he rest in peace) character in Dogma? We too, could have Catholicism WOW & the Buddy Christ. THAT would be awesome 🙂 (said this “recovering Catholic”)

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        Oh, I didn’t see that movie 🙁

      4. TheGirlinME says:

        I think you might like it, it’s damned funny.

      5. 6napkinburger says:

        Um… now we know what you’re doing this weekend. Maybe watch it with your mom unless she is unhumorously religious? There aren’t a lot of sex references (I don’t think) and it is really funny… it might make her feel better or at least distract her!

      6. lets_be_honest says:

        Good idea!

      7. 6napkinburger says:

        Reconsidering my “with mom recommendation.” You should know that it is a Kevin Smith movie and all that entails (though I think it is a little less dirty than Clerks). Jay definitely comes on very very very very strong to the female protagonist. And I think there may be a good amount of masturbation humor, though I don’t entirely remember. But it is a great movie.

      8. TheGirlinME says:

        @ 6, Jay does A LOT of cussing, so you’re right. The rigidly religious who didn’t have that kind of sense of humor may be offended. Seriously, though? Funny movie. I laugh every time I watch it.

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        You’ll be excited to know the new pope was chosen.

    4. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      Here, I’ll say it:

      1. I think Edamame is such bullshit – no, I would not like to pay money for some salty soybeans. And people who order edamame? Bullshitters! Because come on, if you want an appetizer, get something REAL, like something fried.

      2. I think the “half-sandwich / half-soup” combo at Corner Bakery and similar places is a FUCKING SCAM. a) It’s always like a whole dollar more than the full sandwich, b) the teeny tiny CUP of soup does not fill you up, and c) it usually doesn’t come with a pickle or chips like the full sandwich does … WTF? No thanks, I’m not falling for that scam assholes.

      3. Yes, I realize Giuliana Rancic couldn’t have a baby and that’s very sad but: she still looks like an ALIEN and I think you should be able to call an alien an alien regardless!

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        People who like soup are idiots. If you can’t chew it, its not real food.

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        THANK YOU. Soup is not food! It’s a thick drink. Same goes for yogurt.

        Me: I’m hungry
        Idiots: Here have a yogurt
        Me: Screw you! What a horrible thing to say.

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        I’ve convinced my brain that yogurt is pudding. I’m still down about 15 lbs from my biggest loser thing, so I guess its working. Except that Peter thinks I have an eating disorder now bc I wear pantyhose.

      4. TheGirlinME says:

        Lemon-flavored yougurt is an excellent pudding impostor. (I do this too)

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        Yes! Lemon is the best. Strawberry is pretty good too.

      6. SpaceySteph says:

        Wait how is an eating disorder related to panty hose?

      7. lets_be_honest says:

        Lol. He thought they were spanx. Then worried I was caring too much about my weight bc of wearing them.

      8. SpaceySteph says:

        Ohhh ok. I thought maybe there was some newfangled eating disorder thing the kids were doing these days.

      9. lets_be_honest says:

        lol. Kids are so freakin weird. I just read about some 7th grader dying from inhaling freon from an AC unit. wtf will they think of next, and more importantly, how do you even guide your kid from safety with these weird things. Used to be easy. Could just say don’t do drugs.

      10. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I love soup! You can totally chew soups like chicken corn chowder. Seriously filling. Now I want soup.

      11. lets_be_honest says:

        No you can’t. Try chewing your chowder with your mouth open and see what happens. Partially chewable does not count!

      12. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Who chews with their mouth gapping open?

      13. lets_be_honest says:

        Not saying you should, just that with any other real food, you could and it would spill out of your mouth.

      14. Re #2- The Corner Bakery is such a fucking rip off. If you get a combo meal and drink it’s like $12! For fucking lunch! That pisses me off. Although their ceasar dressing is a gift from the heavens. It’s amazing.

      15. The corner bakery by me isn’t that much. I think it’s $7 without a drink, $9 with one? But I concur about the annoyance of the lack of chips in the combo deal. The pickle I can do without.

      16. Where do you live? In Center City Philadelphia it is a fucking rip off and it makes me mad.

      17. I like in Salt Lake. Much cheaper than Philly.

      18. But they have the sandwich with the pretzel bread… which makes everything ok!

      19. lets_be_honest says:

        You should try hot pockets with pretzel bread!

      20. I didn’t realize that existed… I may have to leave work early!

      21. lets_be_honest says:

        I keep boxes of them in my office freezer. So, so good.

      22. my husband completely agrees with you on soup. i made some for dinner a few months ago and when i told him what we were having for dinner he said, but what are we eating.

        i love soup but you definitely need something to go with it. unless it’s chowder, which isn’t soup, right? 😉

        i do have a question for you though AP what do you think of Rachel Ray and her stoup? I think it’s supposed to be stew/soup. I think it’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.

      23. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I’ve never heard of her stoup. … But I don’t like Rachel Ray, partially because her voice is annoying but mostly because I had a crush on this guy in law school who thought she was the cutest thing – so naturally I did not like her. This guy went on to marry a girl who looks just like Rachel Ray, so I guess he was serious. Anyhoo, never heard of stoup, but I’m going with you – stupidest thing ever.

      24. lets_be_honest says:

        I like anyone who makes combo-words.

      25. Grilledcheesecalliope says:

        I love edamame, its my fave snack. I embrace my bullshit

  11. 6napkinburger says:

    Can we all agree that you have to check with already-in-existence conflicts with your family and adjust as appropriate, but that after-arising conflicts are on a case by case basis?

    1. SpaceySteph says:

      I think first we have to define family.
      I mean if you are inviting 250 relatives (all of whom are technically “family”) then even checking for already existing conflicts is a major undertaking. I would say you should check with any immediate family and wedding party for existing conflicts, yes.
      In the case of both this LW and the other one that had the two weddings on the same day, I think that the bride not checking prior to getting fixated on a date just indicates that they think their sister’s presence is optional. And yes, that makes them shitty people.

  12. TheGirlinME says:

    Something controversial. (you’re welcome) 🙂

  13. Guy Friday says:

    I don’t disagree with the people criticizing the bride for the wedding date issue, but re: the pantsuit, I want to remind people what the LW said:

    ” In the past, my sister said she would consider putting me in a pantsuit-ish kind of thing at her wedding, which would be great, but I am worried that now I’m rocking the boat too much with this Columbus Day thing and I don’t know if I should just leave it alone.”

    Note that the LW said that SHE (he?) was thinking of leaving it alone, not that the bride suggested that the LW couldn’t wear a pant-suit. I didn’t see anything in the letter that indicates that the bride had changed her position on that issue at all, and while the date of the wedding thing is pretty douchey, I think there’s a MASSIVE difference between being inconsiderate of someone’s schedule and being inconsiderate of someone’s gender identity and/or orientation. All I’m saying is let’s make sure we’re attacking the bride for the right thing, you know?

    1. 6napkinburger says:

      I totally agree, if that is the case, which it very well might be. Also, “My girlfriend, who is very pretty and feminine, said if I had to wear a dress, she’d go in a suit and bow tie.” was a little odd too. So she’s going to leave it alone, but stage a little protest by her girlfriend, who I would presume from this description would normally want to wear a dress/”girl” clothes to the wedding, dressing up like a “boy”? How is that leaving it alone?
      (Note: I would totally get doing that if the Bride and LW had it out over and over with the Bride insisting on the dress and the LW explaining why she feels she is betraying who she is, but eventually LW finally gave in and wore the fucking dress… but that doesn’t seem to be at all what is happening). [Only using She because I do not have any idea what the proper pronoun for someone who identifies as “genderqueer”… nor do I really know what that means, so I mean no offense.]

    2. SweetPeaG says:

      I thought the very same thing. We might not be getting the full picture. Maybe the bride was nasty in the past about the way her sister dresses. Maybe it was very begrudgingly that she entertained the possibility of the pantsuit. I don’t know. But, from what is contained in this letter? It seems the LW is making an issue where one doesn’t yet exist. It seems the pantsuit wouldn’t even be a problem!

      Now the date issue? Yea, that’s a problem. There is no venue booked. The bride is being so inconsiderate. If you want someone to be your maid of honor, you’ll work with her on a date. ESPECIALLY on such short notice.Geeze louise.

  14. lets_be_honest says:

    Anyone have any cool vacations coming up?

    1. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

      Tennessee – first week in April!
      Napa – Memorial Day weekend
      NYC – the weekend after MD
      San Diego – 4th of July
      Oregon – last week in August!



      1. lets_be_honest says:

        I might be going to napa that weekend, depending on my grandma. What wineries are you going to?

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I’m not sure. I’m the least organized of my friends. They are super-on-top-of-their-shit type friends. They are planning the whole thing. But they don’t drive, just I do, so I am in charge of renting a car. Which I’ll do later, of course.

      3. landygirl says:

        This place is fun, especially the Godfather memorabila section…

      4. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I love their wine. Yum.

      5. I touched the godfather desk at that winery. It made me happier than touching a piece of furniture really should.

      6. Avatar photo bittergaymark says:

        There’s one winery up in Napa that looks like a total tourist trap — heck, it is a big tourist trap. But is has the best selection of cheeses in there to buy at Trader Joe’s prices. I can’t remember the name, but it’s a big one… Great for popping in and getting picnic supplies…

      7. lets_be_honest says:

        Addie, you should totally be able to find this one winery now that Mark’s narrowed it down to the one that has cheese at it. and wine. and tourists.
        Mark, does the entrance sign possibly have grapes on it? I think I know which one it is. 😉

      8. applescruffs says:

        Oregon! Are you going to Portland? I have food cart recommendations for you.

      9. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I’m going to Eugene and then some place by the sea for a couple of days…. But I definitely want to see Portland! I’ve never been to the NW.

      10. applescruffs says:

        August is a good time because the rain hasn’t made you want to kill yourself and everyone around you yet.

      11. Napa is wonderful over Memorial Day weekend. Then again, I may be biased because that’s where/when I went on my honeymoon.

      12. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        I’ve never been. Any “must do’s”?

      13. lets_be_honest says:


      14. lets_be_honest says:

        Newton is also cool for some amazing views

      15. Spend the weekend drinking?

      16. Wineries are the obvious choice, but so are checking out the cute little towns. Calistoga is adorable and has some great shops/restaurants on main street. Helena is cute too. And if the Napa Valley wine train is still in action…

        I just want to recommend Mumm – the tour about how champagne is made (sorry California sparkling wine, frenchy bastards) and then the full tasting selection. Sterling is great because it has the cable car line thing like you are in the alps. Chateau Montelena is adorable. Darioush is one of the newer ones and is a little crazy but fun (definitely not your traditional small NorCal winery). Mondavi, Clos du Bois, St Suppery, etc. etc. you really can’t go wrong when people are offering you free wine, you just have to say things like “oak undertones” or “cherry finish” at the proper times 🙂

      17. lets_be_honest says:

        Sterling and Montelena were on my list for the end of the month trip to Napa that I just canceled. 🙁
        Chandon has a seriously lovely patio area. Not the best place if you don’t like champagne, but if you do, its awesome. Esp if you like oysters.

      18. lets_be_honest says:

        also, LOL at undertones. If you say it has “notes” of something, that works too.

      19. Avatar photo call-me-hobo says:

        Oh no, Addie! I’m going to be in Costa Rica the week you are in Tennessee!

        Why does the universe conspire against us??

    2. I’m going to Vegas for a wedding in May.

      In June I’m going to San Fransisco and Austin, TX for work. San Fransisco will be awesome because I just have to give a 30 minute presentation, but my husband is going with me for a long weekend/anniversary trip.

      In July I’m going to Portland for my niece’s first birthday.

      1. landygirl says:

        June is a good weather month for SF. July is when the fog starts rolling in.

    3. landygirl says:

      I’m going to Spring Training in Scottsdale next weekend. Go Giants!

    4. kerrycontrary says:

      I’m going on a cruise to florida/bahamas last week in april/first week in may. Leaving out of Baltimore. I’m so excited! It’s me and the boyfriend’s first cruise. We’ve done vacations together before, but nothing that was 7 days or going as far away before.

    5. Yeah, I’m going to sunny beautiful North Carolina and NEVER MOVING BACK HERE! I’m thinking of it as a permanent vacation. I found a really nice little apartment I might rent, just waiting to hear back from the property manager. It has all the finishings I love…dark hardwood floors, black appliances, a deck/terrace, and the apartment complex has a huge pool and a gym for tenants. And dogs are allowed!

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Wahoo. Keep us posted if you get it. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

      2. I know you mentioned that the OBX were closer but just to let you know Myrtle Beach is just as close. And if you visit I’ll come up and grab a drink with you!

      3. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Oh details!! What town? Any job prospects yet?

    6. I have no vacations planned at all. It’s so sad. The last 3 years we’ve gone to Costa Rica every winter, and this year we didn’t, because we bought a house. We keep saying we’re going on vacation in the fall (Road trip from PA to Nova Scotia), but my husband is a wedding photographer, and the last few years the fall has been really busy for him, so who knows if we’ll even get to go. Poo. I’m so sad now.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Bummer! Where in CR do you go? My brother keeps suggesting we go there.

      2. We go to a teeny surf town called Playa Grande on the west coast in the Guanacaste region. There’s literally nothing there except for a couple very small hotels (5-10 rooms). It’s amazing.

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        I always worry about safety if its not in a resort type area. Maybe I’ll look into this place.

      4. What kind of safety? I mean, if you leave your stuff out unattended, it’s probably going to get stolen, just like it would anywhere. You’re not going to get robbed/murdered in your sleep or anything!

      5. lets_be_honest says:

        Just the idea of being in an unfamiliar place with no other people around, like hotel security or something. I’m crazy though.

      6. Avatar photo call-me-hobo says:

        bethany, I’m gonna be in Costa Rica the first week of April! I’m gonna be in San Jose/Heredia area

      7. Jealous!!! I’ve never been down there before, but I know my husband and his buddies have gone to Jaco, which is kinda nearby.

      8. I’m in the same boat! My dude & I are trying to save money, so the last vacation we went on was a mini one in Saratoga, NY a year and a half ago. And last summer I traveled to visit my friend in VA, but that was a 2-3 day thing also. I haven’t been on a big, exotic vacation in a while 🙁 and I don’t even plan to go on one soon 🙁

    7. Avatar photo theattack says:

      Honeymoon on the Southeastern coastline! We’re staying on Tybee Island, GA, and we might camp one night on Cumberland Island National Seashore, which would be totally surreal.

      But don’t any of you bitches think you can come break into our apartment and steal our shit! We’re getting a kitten-sitter who will slash you up! haha

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        hahahahahaha. I love camping!
        Also, I wish you said pussy watcher instead of kitten sitter.

      2. Tybee Island is the best! 🙂 It’s absolutely gorgeous. I don’t know how much you know about Cumberland Island, but make sure you check ahead for ferries and camping availability. It’s a busy busy place in the spring, the weather is perfect and there are a lot of birds 🙂 You’re going really soon, right? If it was later in the summer I’d tell you to check out some sea turtle nests, but I think you’re going too soon for that!

      3. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Oh, thanks for the tip! We knew about the ferries, but I didn’t really think about it being busy. Have you been there before? We’ll be going in early May, so it’s pretty soon.

        Tybee Island really is the best! I’ve always thought it was so relaxing and romantic (plus it’s a good place for us to continue our ongoing research on Southern witchcraft). I haven’t taken a vacation in years, so I’m really excited!

      4. I haven’t but I’ve had a number of friends work there over the years and they say it is often packed, especially in the Spring! I’ve seen their pictures too and it’s just a gorgeous place. Luckily you should be in GA before the awful humidity starts 🙂 And you should be able to see some alligators too!

      5. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Oh man, we’re planning on going canoeing through some of the channels near Tybee Island, and I’m kind of half-hoping / scared for my life to see an alligator in a canoe.

      6. tbrucemom says:

        I’m sure you will since it’s so close, but you have to go to Savannah too. It’s a great place to walk around. There are lots of young, creative people there that go to the art school and the bars are open late. It’s very historic and has lots of “eerie” stuff associated with it. Visit Bonaventure Cemetary and Mercer House (where Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil was filmed). The Pirate House restaurant is where Robert Louis Stevenson wrote Treasure Island and is the oldest building in Georgia. The bench scenes in Forrest Gump were filmed in Chippewa Square. Sorry I could go on and on, it’s my favorite place!

      7. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        I LOVE Savannah!!! We got engaged in Savannah 🙂 Moon River Brewery is super fun AND you can walk around River Street with a beer in hand! It’s totally legal!

      8. Avatar photo theattack says:

        Wow, thanks for the tips! We’re about to start reading Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil before the trip, so I’m pretty excited about getting to see the stuff in real life that’s part of it. You should go on and on, seriously! We haven’t done much research yet with all the wedding planning, and I’d love to hear more from someone who loves it so much. I loved Savannah as a kid, and it seems like a magical place to me. Really our trip is a Savannah / Tybee Island trip. The hotels on the island are cheaper and next to the beach, but our main focus is probably Savannah.

    8. SweetPeaG says:

      Kauai in July 🙂

      1. BITCH 🙂

      2. Avatar photo Addie Pray says:

        you’re banned! haha.

    9. Moneypenny says:

      Palm Springs in May!

    10. Temperance says:

      I just got back from Puerto Rico! Rio Grande and San Juan. It was amazing.

    11. painted_lady says:

      JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! In June! And Park Cities in July – road trip!!! I think we’re going through AZ, so I’m totally going to go get drunk with Trixy.

  15. lets_be_honest says:

    Oh, oh I got one. What do you think about children (under say 10 y/o) identifying as a boy when they’re a girl and vice versa? I read an article about this and the kid was in kindergarten.

    1. iseeshiny says:

      Oh! Listen to this!

      Personally I don’t think much about it except to feel a little sad for the kids who are going to have a more difficult life because of the way they’re born, and resolve to try not to make anyone’s life harder because of things they have no control over.

  16. Wendy, I am sure you do this already but I wonder if it’s worth scanning the forums to pluck out good advice questions. Or is that basically redundant since the question is already out there?

    1. I should do that more often.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Would this be a good time to pressure you into answering more parenting questions? p.s. the book turned out to be really helpful!

  17. Second all the comments that say the Columbus Day weekend issue is bullshit. I will never understand when people choose a venue they really want – seriously, a fucking VENUE – over a person who’s important enough to them that they ask them to be in their wedding party. She’s her goddamn sister! It should be way more important to have her there than to dwell about where the “there” even is. So I see two possible scenarios here. Scenario 1, the bride is just assuming her sister will drop her life to attend her wedding, which means she’s being selfish because she shouldn’t be asking anything like that of the people she cares about. Wedding planning rule #1: Check with everyone in your wedding party and your immediate family about potential problem dates. Period. (And in this case, the LW is both wedding party and immediate family!) Scenario 2, the bride doesn’t care that much about whether her sister is there. Given that she’s been asked to be MOH, I am personally leaning to the likelihood that it’s Scenario 1, and this is a situation where the LW, the parents, and maybe one or two other people close to the situation need to give this bride a reality check STAT while her wedding planning is still fresh, and remind her that she’s going to have to make some sacrifices to her “dream day” if she respects the people she cares about.

    About the pants issue, though, I’m not really reading much of a problem – it seems more like the LW assumes the sister has a problem with pants without the sister having said anything about it. In fact, she said pants are fine, so unless she brings it up again, she should just go ahead with the pants as discussed. Even if the sister has previously expressed some intolerance or ignorance about the LW’s gender presentation, she still told her that it would be fine to wear a pantsuit, so if the sister is secretly harboring some problem with her MOH’s clothing choices, it is her fault for not speaking up. (And if she does end up saying anything, that will be the time for the MOH to address the issue and try to convince her sister why her gender presentation matters, but there’s no reason to bug her about it before.)

    1. SpaceySteph says:

      “Given that she’s been asked to be MOH, I am personally leaning to the likelihood that it’s Scenario 1”

      I only wonder if she’s doing the MOH thing out of obligation, rather than because she actually loves her sister above all else. Many people do that. A girl I know even went so far as to tell a couple of her bridesmaids that they would be “like co-Maids of honor” because her sister “couldn’t handle the job on her own.” Like it’s brain surgery or something.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Ha, I was one of those, but it was told quietly to me and because the sister wasn’t 21 yet.

      2. SpaceySteph says:

        Ok that’s fair. There actually are some duties of being MOH that would benefit from being 21+.
        In the case I describe, the sister is close to 30 and- as it turned out- was an excellent maid of honor.

  18. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

    Hey guys- how do I clean an oven? It’s not self cleaning and I don’t like harsh chemicals. Thoughts?

    1. Vinegar and baking soda. Spread baking soda on the bottom and on the door, pour vinegar on top of the baking soda and let it bubble up. Leave it for a few hours and then when you go back it will be easy to clean off. I wipe it off with a damp sponge that I repeatedly clean off when it gets heavily crusted w/the baking soda mix. When it’s really bad I’ll scrub the vinegar/baking soda paste with a lemon before sponging it off. It works surprisingly well. If your oven is really really dirty, you may have to repeat the baking soda/vinegar thing a few times and let it sit for longer. You can also use one of those sos pads to scrub the mixture before cleaning off with sponge as well.

      1. Avatar photo GatorGirl says:

        Thank you! How do you clean the walls? Spread baking soda and vinegar on them?

      2. lets_be_honest says:

        Magic eraser. Just be gentle bc it takes paint off if you use it too much.

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        oh, the walls of the oven! forget my comment.

      4. they make one for the kitchen now too, and they do work well. although, i have to use gloves because i break out in a rash if i let the magic eraser touch my skin.

      5. yeah, i just spread some of the mix on the walls. i keep a vinegar/water mix (like 70/30) in a spary bottle and usually spread some of the mix on the walls and then spray it, then scrub. since it’s usually not quite as dirty as the bottom/door it works fine.

    2. iseeshiny says:

      Also, once it’s clean, if you can, put in an oven liner or some aluminum foil and never have to worry about it again! Seriously, they changed my life.

  19. tbrucemom says:

    My sister is a lesbian and is very masculine and hasn’t worn a dress probably since my first wedding over 30 years ago. I’m getting married again in December and have not asked her be a bridesmaid this time because I’m having only 3 including the MOH and I have another role for her. Anyway, my sister told me if I wanted her to be in the wedding she would wear a dress. I guess my point is that everyone is getting all over the bride about her sister wearing a dress and it doesn’t sound like she’s even been asked to wear one yet and maybe out of sisterly love it should be considered. Now as far as the date, that’s another story. I find it really hard to believe that it’s a coincidence. Also, dates can be changed if a venue hasn’t been booked. I’ve changed my date already because of the best man and his obsession with FSU football!

    1. But maybe out of “sisterly love,” the bride shouldn’t ask her sister to wear something she’s so uncomfortable wearing.

  20. You Go Girl says:

    A person does not have to be a lesbian to worry about the dress she may have to wear if she is a bridesmaid. The thought of having to wear a strapless dress in some hideous color, dyed shoes that kill my feet, hair spray that would trigger my asthma, and gobs of makeup is enough to make me break out into a cold sweat. I would be totally miserable wearing such an outfit. To add insult to injury, I would have to pay a lot of money for an outfit that I would never wear again.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *