My 27-year-old daughter and her best friend, Katie, have been best friends since they were 4. Katie practically grew up in our house and is like a daughter to me. My daughter recently got engaged to her fiancé and announced that Katie would be the maid of honor (Katie’s boyfriend is also a good friend of my future son-in-law). The problem is that Katie walks with a pretty severe limp due to a birth defect (not an underlying medical issue). She has no problem wearing high heels and has already been fitted for the dress, but I still think it will look unsightly if she’s in the wedding procession limping ahead of my daughter. I mentioned this to my daughter and suggested that maybe Katie could take video or hand out programs (while sitting) so she doesn’t ruin the aesthetic aspect of the wedding. My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect. All of the other bridesmaids will look gorgeous walking down the aisle with my daughter. Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?
You can read Prudences’ advice here. Mine is below:
The only person who can — and perhaps should — be asked to “sit out” is YOU for being so incredibly shallow, thoughtless, tactless, and sorely lacking of compassion and empathy. That you care more about the appearance of a walk down an aisle than the feelings of two women you consider family shows an amazing lack of regard for humanity, and I’m not at all surprised that you are not very close to your daughter, and I wouldn’t be shocked if your relationship deteriorates further. Shame on you.
I mean, I’ve read the letter several times over the last couple of days and I’m in the same boat. They’ve been friends since they were FOUR YEARS old. They GREW UP TOGETHER, basically as sisters. It doesn’t say it, but the fact that the boyfriend is good friends with the groom makes me think that one couple met because of the other one. And if they’re all that close, I bet the groom is as thrilled to have Katie in the wedding as the bride is, because it’s having awesome lifelong friends there standing up there having your back. We get pissed when brides write in with ridiculous comments, so I think we should be giving credit to the bride and groom for basically telling the LW to go to hell over this.
I mean, at least the toothless letter was from one of the people to be married, wasn’t it? Not like that makes it right, but at least you’d see the worrying. But this isn’t even her wedding!
Ugh. People are so petty and gross. I forgot about the toothless groomsman, but do you all remember the one from the bride-to-be whose future MIL wanted to exclude her (the bride’s) father from the wedding because he was disfigured from an accident or something and he’d ruin the pictures? What the hell is *wrong* with people?
I don’t know. My friend and her husband had his nephew as a groomsman. He had several medical conditions/disabilities and walked with a severe limp and had a noticeable back brace. I don’t know of anyone that told them they shouldn’t have chosen him, but several people said they were so amazing for letting him be in the wedding. They were like, “Uh what?” because the nephew (teenage) and brother were the groom’s best friends, so who else was he going to pick? People assumed it was some sort of pity ask or something.
So, their responses make me think that there are more people out there than we’d like to think who actually care about this stuff and don’t know better than to vocalize it.
This mother’s words make me want to throw up. Mom – no wonder you were never close to your daughter…she probably possesses qualities like empathy, integrity and acceptance of others, all of which you are miserably lacking.
I’d say at this point, the bigger of your problems should be that you might either (ideally) not being allowed to participate in the wedding, but if your daughter should find it in her heart to tolerate you on her special day, I’m sure it will be fairly obvious to everyone present that you are only being tolerated so that you don’t ruin *her* special day.
I read this one on Dear Prudence also…the part that gets me is where she says she is “like a daughter to me”, well she treats her daughters like crap.
I am kind of sick of weddings done like some over budget motion picture anyway. Mom is taking things way too far and losing sight of what it is all about. (in other words, it isn’t about her) I am glad I got married at City Hall.
This reminds me of that letter where the bride didn’t want to let her fiance’s friend who was missing his teeth to be a groomsman because she was worried he’d ruin the pictures.
I don’t know if that one was real, either, but man, was it entertaining.
This reminded me of my niece. Her best friend asked her to be part of her sweet 16 court. As time passed her best friends mom did not think it was a good idea for my niece to be part of the court since she was “too short” my niece is very petite and well her bf is about 5’6. So they told her she could not be part of the court because of her height but she was welcomed to party as a guest.
I saw that as so shady since her BF is always at my sisters house since her mother works until the evenings. I guess this lady didn’t think my niece was good enough to be part of the court but she is good enough for her daughter to eat, sleep and be taken cared of for free at my sisters house. #ShallowBitch
Honestly, for me, my first warning of shallowness would have been that the parents were throwing their daughter a wedding-style sweet-16 complete with court. Talk about image-conscious as the expense of sense.
Hah! I am so glad that Wendy posted this letter as I just about fell out of my chair when I read it upon its first publication.
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Good Lord! Some people possess so precious little self awareness.
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NEWSFLASH! This has to be the most cluelessly bitchy letter I have ever read in ANY advice forum. Oh, sure. I’ve read others with far worse behaviour, but the sheer stupidity it must have taken to pen this letter is truly jaw dropping.
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Wait, wait. Wait, are we sure this wasn’t written by 45?!
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Nevermind. It contains complete sentences and a dearth of vapid misspellings…
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SpaceySteph September 12, 2017, 1:14 pm
Holy shit. This is what flabbergasted must feel like. I can’t even form a comment.
Guy Friday September 12, 2017, 9:04 pm
I mean, I’ve read the letter several times over the last couple of days and I’m in the same boat. They’ve been friends since they were FOUR YEARS old. They GREW UP TOGETHER, basically as sisters. It doesn’t say it, but the fact that the boyfriend is good friends with the groom makes me think that one couple met because of the other one. And if they’re all that close, I bet the groom is as thrilled to have Katie in the wedding as the bride is, because it’s having awesome lifelong friends there standing up there having your back. We get pissed when brides write in with ridiculous comments, so I think we should be giving credit to the bride and groom for basically telling the LW to go to hell over this.
I mean, at least the toothless letter was from one of the people to be married, wasn’t it? Not like that makes it right, but at least you’d see the worrying. But this isn’t even her wedding!
Miss MJ September 12, 2017, 1:19 pm
Ugh. People are so petty and gross. I forgot about the toothless groomsman, but do you all remember the one from the bride-to-be whose future MIL wanted to exclude her (the bride’s) father from the wedding because he was disfigured from an accident or something and he’d ruin the pictures? What the hell is *wrong* with people?
Moneypenny September 12, 2017, 1:22 pm
I read the original letter, and gawd, this woman is awful. Just when you think people can’t get any worse, someone proves you wrong.
Northern Star September 12, 2017, 1:30 pm
I choose to believe that was a fake letter. Because honestly—what in the world would the writer expect an advice columnist to say in response?
dinoceros September 12, 2017, 2:19 pm
I don’t know. My friend and her husband had his nephew as a groomsman. He had several medical conditions/disabilities and walked with a severe limp and had a noticeable back brace. I don’t know of anyone that told them they shouldn’t have chosen him, but several people said they were so amazing for letting him be in the wedding. They were like, “Uh what?” because the nephew (teenage) and brother were the groom’s best friends, so who else was he going to pick? People assumed it was some sort of pity ask or something.
So, their responses make me think that there are more people out there than we’d like to think who actually care about this stuff and don’t know better than to vocalize it.
D September 12, 2017, 1:40 pm
This mother’s words make me want to throw up. Mom – no wonder you were never close to your daughter…she probably possesses qualities like empathy, integrity and acceptance of others, all of which you are miserably lacking.
I’d say at this point, the bigger of your problems should be that you might either (ideally) not being allowed to participate in the wedding, but if your daughter should find it in her heart to tolerate you on her special day, I’m sure it will be fairly obvious to everyone present that you are only being tolerated so that you don’t ruin *her* special day.
carolann September 12, 2017, 2:38 pm
I read this one on Dear Prudence also…the part that gets me is where she says she is “like a daughter to me”, well she treats her daughters like crap.
I am kind of sick of weddings done like some over budget motion picture anyway. Mom is taking things way too far and losing sight of what it is all about. (in other words, it isn’t about her) I am glad I got married at City Hall.
TheHizzy September 12, 2017, 2:38 pm
Is it bad that I laughed at this letter? Like, the mother seems confused as to why her daughter isn’t speaking to her.
ele4phant September 12, 2017, 2:41 pm
This reminds me of that letter where the bride didn’t want to let her fiance’s friend who was missing his teeth to be a groomsman because she was worried he’d ruin the pictures.
I don’t know if that one was real, either, but man, was it entertaining.
Janelle September 12, 2017, 3:24 pm
I read this the other day somewhere. Still awful.
Janelle September 12, 2017, 3:27 pm
oh prudence, now i am paying more attention. There was a sandwich in my hand and I haven’t eaten all day. Still awful. Side note, delicious sandwich.
SomeGal September 12, 2017, 3:30 pm
This reminded me of my niece. Her best friend asked her to be part of her sweet 16 court. As time passed her best friends mom did not think it was a good idea for my niece to be part of the court since she was “too short” my niece is very petite and well her bf is about 5’6. So they told her she could not be part of the court because of her height but she was welcomed to party as a guest.
I saw that as so shady since her BF is always at my sisters house since her mother works until the evenings. I guess this lady didn’t think my niece was good enough to be part of the court but she is good enough for her daughter to eat, sleep and be taken cared of for free at my sisters house. #ShallowBitch
carolann September 12, 2017, 5:50 pm
That is pretty petty and sad because the daughters get stuck in the middle.
MaggieB September 12, 2017, 7:10 pm
Honestly, for me, my first warning of shallowness would have been that the parents were throwing their daughter a wedding-style sweet-16 complete with court. Talk about image-conscious as the expense of sense.
Bittergaymark September 13, 2017, 1:30 pm
Hah! I am so glad that Wendy posted this letter as I just about fell out of my chair when I read it upon its first publication.
.
Good Lord! Some people possess so precious little self awareness.
.
NEWSFLASH! This has to be the most cluelessly bitchy letter I have ever read in ANY advice forum. Oh, sure. I’ve read others with far worse behaviour, but the sheer stupidity it must have taken to pen this letter is truly jaw dropping.
.
Wait, wait. Wait, are we sure this wasn’t written by 45?!
.
Nevermind. It contains complete sentences and a dearth of vapid misspellings…