Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

In Other Words: “The Bride’s Mad that I Wore a Blue Dress”

From a recent Dear Prudence:

I recently attended a wedding of one of my husband’s college friends. He’s not someone that we see often, but we encounter him and his bride two or three times a year at parties, are friends on Facebook, etc. Anyways, I wore a blue dress to the ceremony, and it turns out that the bride’s wedding colors were royal blue. Her bridesmaids wore the color, the close family wore the color. I had no idea. Other than a wedding invitation, we never had any contact with them prior to the event since a summer BBQ where dress codes were not discussed. It seems that she casually told some of her friends not to wear blue, and I didn’t get the message. She was apparently horrified that I had worn “her color.” Another woman also wore blue and got the same treatment.

At the start of the reception, she stomped over and said very loudly that she couldn’t believe I had worn her color. It was really embarrassing, but it was her wedding day so I apologized, said that I had no idea, and that the whole day was beautiful. She stomped off in a huff, and eventually her husband came over and said that she was really upset and that seeing my dress was detracting from her having fun. He wanted to know whether I could change. A friend loaned me a long black sweater and I put it on over the dress. Later, the bride pointed me out (while using a microphone) and said “she’s not invited.” Later in the night, she came up to me AGAIN to tell me how this had shattered her day. At this point, my patience was wearing a little thin. We said our goodbyes. This morning, I woke up to being tagged in a rant about guest etiquette on Facebook and an email from the groom asking me to apologize again. I responded, copying his wife, reiterating my original message in a bland way (sorry, I didn’t know. I appreciated them letting me know and hopefully wearing the world’s largest sweater had mitigated it. It was a lovely day. Have a nice life). This woman has gone from generically fine to totally unhinged in my book. We’re going to see them again at a BBQ in about a month (it’s at our house, otherwise I’d skip it). I’m wondering how to handle this situation, especially since I just got a call from a mutual friend saying that she called her sobbing about how this had really cast a pall over her day. At this point, I don’t want to fuel the fire or ever engage again, but I’m stumped—because she seems excited to have a dead horse to beat.

Here’s how I’d have answered:

Disinvite the bitch to the BBQ you’re hosting, by simply saying: “I’m going to be present and also wearing clothes at the BBQ my husband and I are hosting this month. I would hate for either of those things to offend you and ruin your day in the way they did at your wedding, so please accept our heartfelt invitation to no longer attend our BBQ.” Such a message will almost certainly end whatever expectation of cordiality exists between you, so win-win in my opinion.

52 comments… add one
  • avatar

    Irishgal May 23, 2017, 12:07 pm

    Yeah I thought Prudence’s reply was encouraging the OP to be a doormat.

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  • avatar

    bondgirl May 23, 2017, 12:22 pm

    WTF. You’ve got some serious issues if a blue dress ruins your wedding day. If this mega-bridezilla has any brains whatsoever, then she and the groom have already planned on skipping LW’s bbq. Buuuuuut if she didn’t, hopefully Wendy’s suggested response does the trick. I imagine the sarcasm might make her even more unhinged though.

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    • avatar

      K May 24, 2017, 10:41 am

      Yeah, why would the bridezilla still want to attend the bbq if she was so offended?

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  • avatar

    em May 23, 2017, 12:27 pm

    LOL I thought to post this in the forum b/c it’s so nuts. who acts like this?! I much prefer Wendy’s answer to the original; I don’t believe in humoring people like this bride.

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  • juliecatharine

    Juliecatharine May 23, 2017, 12:37 pm

    A lot of people in the Prudie comments were suggesting the OP wear the same dress to the BBQ which would also be an appropriate response. Honestly I can’t believe they would consider continuing a friendship with that pair. They sound unhinged.

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  • GertietheDino

    GertietheDino May 23, 2017, 12:45 pm

    I believe the original columnist gave similar advice, the other commentators were equally baffled by the bride’s reaction. Bitch be crazy.

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  • avatar

    RedroverRedrover May 23, 2017, 12:50 pm

    That is absolutely insane. I guess the main problem is that they have mutual friends, so if she tells her where to go, that’s going to have repercussions in the friend group. Also presumably her husband still wants to be friends with psycho’s husband.

    I think I would say something along the lines of “If you didn’t want people to wear blue, you needed to tell everyone that. I was never told. I’m sorry if you’re upset, but based on the information I had I didn’t do anything wrong.” And just keep repeating. Coolly and civilly.

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    • avatar

      dinoceros May 23, 2017, 1:12 pm

      Yeah. I’d seriously ask her, “How do you think I would have known what color your bridesmaids were wearing without being told?” And expect an actual answer.

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    • bagge72

      bagge72 May 23, 2017, 2:03 pm

      I think the husband still wants to be friends with his college buddy too for some reason, but if my buddy called my wife out at his wedding, and then went on to email her asking her to apologize, I would never talk to him again, after saying some stupid shit that would embarrass me and my wife!

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    • avatar

      inkyboots May 24, 2017, 4:48 pm

      I’m even mystified that this is a thing people are offended by – at my wedding, some family friends dressed in the wedding colors gleaned from the invitations, and I thought it was so sweet!

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    • Copa

      Copa May 25, 2017, 11:19 am

      How on earth did the bride manage to meet someone? She sounds like a nightmare!

      In any case, I think this is a good response. It’s direct, and she’d still be taking the high road without possibly damaging other relationships or escalating it somehow. Except I wouldn’t even bother with the apology portion — I realize it’s different from apologizing again for daring to show up in blue, but I wouldn’t let another “I’m sorry” in any context slip out to someone this awful.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star May 23, 2017, 12:51 pm

    I wonder if the LW can respond to the “rant about guest etiquette” with a link to the many Miss Manners columns explaining that weddings aren’t pageants put on for the bride’s entertainment.

    The LW is being far more patient than I would be—but I guess it’s her husband’s friend’s wife, so she doesn’t feel OK laying into the bitch.

    The LW should definitely wear royal blue at her barbecue, LOL.

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    • avatar

      bondgirl May 23, 2017, 2:27 pm

      LOL I thought that as well!

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  • avatar

    anonymousse May 23, 2017, 12:54 pm

    I’d wear the same color at every event where I knew I was going to see her and grey rock at every turn.

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  • avatar

    Ashley May 23, 2017, 1:04 pm

    Look at this as an opportunity to pare down your friends into reasonable… and .unreasonable. You want reasonable people in your life. This lady is not, and I’m sure your friends are in the same position of thinking this lady is cray cray. If they don’t….into the unreasonable group they go and I wouldn’t feel a bit sad about pulling away. Life is too short to put up with such ridiculousness.

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    • avatar

      anonymousse May 23, 2017, 3:26 pm

      It’s her husband’s friend’s spouse. Not her friend.

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      • avatar

        Ashley May 23, 2017, 6:26 pm

        I’m aware of that. I don’t see how my advice isn’t still appropriate.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros May 23, 2017, 7:51 pm

        Because the LW doesn’t get to unilaterally decide whether to cut the couple out of their lives. The only connection she has to the couple is through her husband, so he’d have to do the cutting.

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      • avatar

        anonymousse May 24, 2017, 12:16 pm

        I didn’t say it was inappropriate, but this isn’t her friend. It’s her husband’s friend’s spouse. Most people don’t want to run around exacerbating drama in their partner’s lives and pushing their spouses’ friends away…

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  • Cleopatra Jones

    Cleopatra Jones May 23, 2017, 1:08 pm

    And the husband was complicit in her tomfoolery. I can already tell that the marriage is going to be absolutely terrible.
    .
    What I predict:
    She will run all over the husband until he gets tired of feeling like a doormat in his own life, then cheats on her with a woman who ‘listens’ to him. He’ll then dump her and live happily after ever with his new woman while this bride-zilla ends up bitter and lonely.

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    • avatar

      artsygirl May 23, 2017, 2:21 pm

      If (heaven forbid) I had an epic bridezilla moment, I would hope and pray that my husband – and my family and friends – would call me on it. Any guy that is willing to not only put up with this type of behavior, but to actively participate is not someone I would want to be friends with. It isn’t like the LW wore white.

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      • Cleopatra Jones

        Cleopatra Jones May 23, 2017, 4:11 pm

        She didn’t have a moment though, she was a bridezilla the entire day, to not one person but two people. Then she continued to be a bridezilla even after the wedding was over.
        She acted like no one in the entire world could ever wear blue because it was her special color. To let it ‘ruin’ her wedding tells me that she is an unbelievably spoiled brat and control freak. If she doesn’t get that shit under control, her marriage is going to end!

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  • avatar

    dinoceros May 23, 2017, 1:09 pm

    It was odd phrasing regarding the BBQ to not just say “we’ll see them at our BBQ.” I’m wondering if other friends are “hosting” too? I’d probably disinvite them. “I hear that you’re still really mad. I don’t know if you were planning to attend, but I think it’s best if you didn’t.” Friendship is already over.

    But since the LW doesn’t seem to consider disinviting her or sounds like it’s not actually her BBQ despite being at her home, then I don’t think it really matters if the bride acts ridiculous or not. She’s going to look insane. Tell her to leave. Tell her she’s unreasonable. Blame her for it. Doesn’t matter.

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  • avatar

    Ale May 23, 2017, 1:39 pm

    a. I will NEVER understand all the fuzz people make about weddings and invites and dress codes. Like why would this magical day be ruined by a dress that a random guest wore? You’re getting married! Jesus..

    b. “At the start of the reception, she stomped over and said very loudly that she couldn’t believe I had worn her color” I would have left right there. I can’t believe LW stayed longer. For what? Only to be subject to more ridiculousness.

    c. Just uninvite them to the BBQ. This kind of people are no addition to your lives.

    d. This marriage is doomed.

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    • avatar

      ArgyllWisp May 23, 2017, 2:36 pm

      Right? I would have left right after the first confrontation. How much fun can you possibly expect to have after being publicly humiliated by a crazy loon. Its not like it was a super important wedding to the LW to start with; after that i would take my exit to pass on the dry reception chicken, go get some take out and spend the night watching Netflix instead of getting ripped into by strangers over something so ridiculous.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros May 23, 2017, 7:49 pm

        It’s amazing to me that the LW actually apologized and tried to be kind about it. A lot better than I would have done.

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      • avatar

        RedRoverRedRover May 23, 2017, 9:49 pm

        I guess she was probably completely taken aback, and just automatically responded with an apology because that’s what was being demanded of her by an angry bride at her wedding in front of everyone. She shouldn’t have apologized again after the wedding though. She has nothing to apologize for.

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  • bagge72

    bagge72 May 23, 2017, 2:00 pm

    Honestly, how the fuck did this women get invited to their BBQ? Is this women’s husband some asshole push over who didn’t stand up for his wife, and then invited this couple to their house? I just have pictures in my head of this guy being a douche and telling his wife to calm down, and that she overreacted.

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    • avatar

      ele4phant May 23, 2017, 3:32 pm

      My guess is is that it got planned before the wedding and the bride went bonkers?

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  • avatar

    Ron May 23, 2017, 2:09 pm

    If the bride casually passed the dress-code rules to her friends and LW didn’t receive the message, then that in itself tells her how far down on the bride’s list of friends/acquaintances she already ranked. Perhaps the groom was supposed to spread the message about blue to his invites and dropped the ball or just was too stupid to think that his male friends would be appearing with SOs. The grooms reaction suggests that he was supposed to pass the message and didn’t and that the bride is really mad at him. Anyway the whole thing is absolutely stupid and I don’t at all understand people who get this overly wrapped up in their wedding rather than focusing upon their marriage and their friends and family. Happily, I have never encountered this level of bizarre. I’ll bet the other woman in blue was also an invite, first or second hand, of the groom and his family. Since this marriage seems to have a lifetime of about a year or two, it’s a good thing the photo album is all the bride cared about.

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    • avatar

      Sam May 24, 2017, 1:16 pm

      I think this is the answer that rings most true. Perhaps the groom was supposed to say something and didn’t or forgot and the bride displaced her anger or the groom lied and said he told her and now LW looks like the bad guy.

      Worst case scenario: husband was told by the groom and he forgot to tell her and thats why he’s staying out of it.

      I lean towards your hypothesis

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    • avatar

      dinoceros May 24, 2017, 9:00 pm

      That’s a possibility. If someone is that concerned with the colors, though, you’d think they’d put it in the invitation. Otherwise, it’s a lot more likely that someone will forget or not be told.

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  • avatar

    Amber May 23, 2017, 2:51 pm

    WWS 100% 😀

    Yeah, I would definitely be the one to wear blue at occasions where I know the bridezilla would be 😀 😀 😀

    If the OP is low enough on the bridezilla’s friend list to not get the memo that no one was supposed to wear the sacred color, it makes me wonder if she really considers the OP a friend or just a general acquaintance because the OP’s husband and the groom are friends.

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  • avatar

    ele4phant May 23, 2017, 3:32 pm

    This is a funny reply, but if the bride got so unhinged she’s still bitching about it, I feel like it might cause world war III. If it were me, I’d try to be a gracious host since she’s already invited (but be prepared to kick her out if she raises a ruckus), and then just do the slow fade out of that friendship.

    Also where’s the husband on this (the LW’s husband)? Is he wanting to stay friends with his college buddy, or is he backing his wife up?

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    • avatar

      Northern Star May 23, 2017, 4:01 pm

      I can’t imagine my husband asking me to make nice with someone who would treat me so badly unless it was his parents—and even then, he’d stand up for me.

      For a non-best-friend? Pfffffffft. I really hope husband is supporting his wife and pushing back against married-to-the-deranged, or BOTH of these men are pretty lacking in the backbone department.

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  • Guy Friday

    Guy Friday May 23, 2017, 4:14 pm

    So, I’d have given them a pass (weddings make people crazy) for the initial stomping up and the groom asking if she could change; the latter is only because I could totally have seen myself indulging my wife’s craziness a little at our wedding to appease her and not make it more of a scene. Beyond that, however, I’m off #TeamBride.

    Frankly, what I’m most offended by is the groom emailing the LW again, because while I can see trying not to make a scene in public, the fact that he’s privately expecting her to apologize reads to me like he agrees with the bride, and if it were me I’d have said to my wife “Look, YOU email her if you have a problem with it. I think you need to let this go” and let the chips fall where they may. And I really mean that, because I’ve done that, and I’ve had some knock-down drag-out fights that have ended with “agree to disagree” between us.

    I mean, we’re assuming this, but I don’t see anywhere in the letter where the LW says her husband knows. Does he? Because, honestly, were it me I’d absolutely call out my buddy for this and tell him that I didn’t want his wife around mine if that’s how she’s going to act. I’d probably demand an apology to my wife from HER if I wanted to keep the friendship going with my buddy. It’s one thing to try to minimize problems at the wedding, but if the LW’s husband is still not stepping up to defend his wife that says a lot about HIM.

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    • avatar

      Ange May 23, 2017, 7:56 pm

      Really? There’s no part of this whole thing where the bride is being remotely reasonable or deserving of a pass. I went to a friend’s wedding once in red and that was also the bridesmaids colours. I had no idea, my friend came over and had a laugh with me about it. Everyone knew I wasn’t a bridesmaid, end of story. A friend showed up at my wedding in a long off white dress, nobody cared and I didn’t even notice until looking at the pictures afterwards. If I’d kicked off and told my husband to tell her to change he’d have completely ignored me because it’s stupid and childish.

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      • Guy Friday

        Guy Friday May 24, 2017, 2:17 pm

        Please don’t confuse my saying “I’d give her a pass” with me condoning her behavior. I’m not. Not at all. But weddings are often times insanely stressful, and the bride and groom are so in their own heads that they say and do things that can be hilarious, awkward, or, as in this case, unreasonable. If the letter had ended after the bride stormed up and the groom asked her if she could change — if none of the other things described ever occurred — I think a lot of people’s advice here would be to not judge someone off of one outburst because people have bad moments. But when I said “Beyond that”, I meant that BECAUSE of everything that happened after those two things I was not in support of the bride or groom’s actions.

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      • avatar

        Ange May 24, 2017, 5:37 pm

        I absolutely still would have been angry if it was just the first occasion. It’s a stupid colour, who cares?

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      • avatar

        ktfran May 24, 2017, 6:26 pm

        Maybe if the bride had a momentary freak out, I chalk it up to crazy bride brain. But to ask someone to change? No. Not at all. These people are assholes.

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      • avatar

        RedroverRedrover May 24, 2017, 6:34 pm

        And then to single her out in front of everyone and say “she’s not invited”??? Absolutely unacceptable. That’s so incredibly rude, I can’t even imagine how someone would come up with it, let alone actually do it.

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      • avatar

        dinoceros May 24, 2017, 8:58 pm

        To me, the acceptable bridezilla behavior stops when a bride feels really angry about something stupid. It’s not OK to storm up to someone during your wedding for wearing a color you don’t want them to wear or to have your husband ask them to change. I don’t think the advice would change.

        The only pass I really give people for momentary freakouts is if they are struggling with loss or illness or something like that. I think adults should be expected to not have a temper tantrum at their wedding.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark May 23, 2017, 5:20 pm

    Prudie’s advice was dim. Exceptionally so — even for the new but so NOT improved Prudie.
    .
    I’d follow Wendy’s.
    .
    Though I’d toss in a line about how you’re sorry for being a barbeque-zilla, but you simply can’t have any deranged bitches near an open flame… “I simply can’t trust myself….”

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    • Dear Wendy

      Dear Wendy May 23, 2017, 6:04 pm

      HAha!

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  • Portia

    Portia May 23, 2017, 7:08 pm

    “Unhinged” is an apt description, damn…

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  • avatar

    Moe P May 24, 2017, 8:42 am

    After she came up to me the first time and was not appeased by the totally taking-the-high-road apology, I would have slipped out, gone home, removed her from any further communication and just write her off as “someone with issues”. I am sure this is indicative of a generally difficult person.

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  • avatar

    SailBobo May 24, 2017, 10:20 am

    I would really love to read that rant on “Wedding Etiquette” … (can any sleuth hackers find it?) … and, just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse; … “especially since I just got a call from a mutual friend saying that she called her sobbing about how this had really cast a pall over her day. ” … I actually thought the the writer was very gracious, and Prudie’s advice was pretty good – minimize interactions, don’t apologize again, and don’t entertain the subject again either directly or indirectly … There is no reason to blow it up anymore … Everyone must already know how crazy it is.

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  • avatar

    findingtheearth May 24, 2017, 10:26 am

    If it wasn’t in the invitation to the wedding to not wear a certain color, then that’s on the bride for not telling people.

    I would uninvite her from your BBQ. You don’t need that kind of drama in your life.

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  • avatar

    Janelle May 24, 2017, 11:28 am

    The most ridiculous part is you coordinated (unknowingly) with her wedding rather than sticking out like a sore thumb wearing some off color, like I don’ t know, neon pink or something.

    My fathers side of the family shows up in shorts and button downs short sleeved shirts for weddings. A blue dress would be a blessing to me. That being said this is why I will either be married in a private ceremony on some island or just require black tie.

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  • Portia

    Portia May 24, 2017, 11:53 am

    “Later, the bride pointed me out (while using a microphone) and said “she’s not invited.” ”

    The LW should say she thought the bride was talking about the upcoming BBQ. Or at least that she wanted to return the favor.

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  • avatar

    Howdywiley May 24, 2017, 12:27 pm

    I can’t deal with the new prudence

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  • avatar

    Daheq July 4, 2017, 8:06 pm

    Oh god i would have slapped this crazy bitch at her very wedding. Also, Lol NO she would not be coming to my house for any reason. I don’t allow crazy room in my house, ever, and i don’t care who might be in their feelings about it.

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