Guest columnists and contributors are generously sharing their talents and insights while I’m taking some time to care for my new baby. Today’s essay comes from “His Take” contributor, Dennis Hong, who writes about relationships and other topics at Musings on Life and Love.
I have to admit that I had a hard time answering this because there are so many unknowns that you didn’t explain. So, to address all the possible contingencies, I decided to answer your question as a flow-chart. Click the image below and choose your own adventure:
Dennis Hong is a teacher of juvenile delinquents, freelance comedy writer, group blog overlord, and internet entrepreneur. His personal mantra is: “Always stay positive in life (except when taking a drug or STD test)!” You can read more of his musings on life and love here.
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jess October 21, 2011, 7:22 am
hah! this is great
Callifax October 21, 2011, 7:23 am
I love it so much. You, sir, are a genius. 🙂
DDL October 21, 2011, 7:25 am
I love that flow chart! Flow charts should just answer everyone’s letters! 😛
Carolynasaurus October 21, 2011, 11:23 am
The only problem with that is letters only ever really go three ways:
1) MOA
2) Talk to them! Stop inferring stupid things and just ask him!
3) Butt out of it
Sarah October 21, 2011, 4:33 pm
15 bonus points for proper use of “inferring” (compared to “implying”). It’s a scourge these days, I tell you.
FireStar October 21, 2011, 7:53 am
The flow chart is perfect!
I will add that while it may not feel like it now – consider yourself lucky for dodging this bullet. Believe it or not, a girl I know is going through the same thing. She dated a guy for four years – in her case both non-virgins though from a conservative culture. No sex that whole time. Three months ago she ended up marrying him… after her parents threw a six figure wedding. After the wedding? Still no sex. Recently she found text messages on his phone from men he was involved with and even some mocking her. And she is still trying to “work on her relationship.”
You have invested three years – which is a long time – but the relationship you had was not healthy. Take some time to examine what about him drew you to him in the first place so you can avoid repeating this situation. The good news is now you are free to find someone you can have a complete and healthy relationship with who can meet all of your needs.
bethany October 21, 2011, 9:06 am
Wow… Sucks to be that girl!!
artsygirl October 21, 2011, 9:10 am
ouch poor girl
FireStar October 21, 2011, 9:27 am
It was a case of being willfully blind. I know several of her friends staged 4-5 interventions with her about it. She just really wanted to be married.
lyntegra82 October 21, 2011, 12:23 pm
My sister is actually a girl in that same position. Only he’s not only gay (and went to gay bathhouses the week before the wedding, and the week they got back from the honeymoon), but he also is a pedophile. She sticks with him only because she lives in denial, and is afraid of “failing” (Aka divorcing his lying ass).
The really scary part: My sister still wants to have kids with him. Yeah. I’m not kidding.
kali October 21, 2011, 2:14 pm
Denial is not just a river in Egypt. I hope your sister wises up soon! And before breeding with this scum.
FireStar October 21, 2011, 2:32 pm
That’s a nightmare.
bagge72 October 21, 2011, 3:03 pm
Geez, is he been convicted for pedophilia, or is this something he is doing now? You need to kidnap your sister in the middle of the night or something. Sometimes you just need to go drastic with it!
amber October 21, 2011, 3:09 pm
if he’s convicted that is going to make for an interesting time of things if they decide to have kids. is he allowed at schools, etc where kids are present? how do you explain that one to a kid when they ask why dad can’t come to their play?
it always makes me very upset when i hear that convicted pedophiles are going to/have had kids. my father was convicted of this and went on to have children with another wife. i don’t know if he ever hurt them, but i can’t imagine that at some point he didn’t slip up again. why why would you do that to your kids?
bagge72 October 21, 2011, 3:25 pm
Yowzer, yeah I don’t really understand how that would work either, or how you would want to put your kids through that, and maybe even tempt yourself at the same time. Ok I have to get out of here going to get our engagement photos done today! Have a fun day everyone!
atraditionalist October 21, 2011, 8:06 am
Or maybe he’s gay. Either way move on already-a guy who tells you he’s not sexually attracted to you is not someone you should date. Seriously-who cares what his reasons are-he doesn’t find you sexually attractive and that’s not going to change!
bittergaymark October 21, 2011, 12:52 pm
Is he gay? That’s totally possible. But not my best guess. Three years? No action? He’s running from sexuality, period. Maybe he’s asexual. At any rate, it’s time this LW moved on…
plasticepoxy October 21, 2011, 2:45 pm
I’m glad you pointed out asexual as a possibility too, Mark.
LW does say she can make him “happy”, which might mean that is off the table (I don’t know. Maybe you do? I interpret asexual to mean they don’t have sexual interest, but that may not be true, or even if true, doesn’t mean that he couldn’t get an erection and orgasm sometimes), so maybe he’s asexual, maybe he’s gay, maybe he’s bisexual. He’s already said what he isn’t: attracted to her. That’s what matters.
plasticepoxy October 21, 2011, 2:46 pm
By all of that, I mean: I agree Mark, time to move on.
bittergaymark October 21, 2011, 3:06 pm
I wasn’t sure what “happy” meant? “Happy” as he got excited and erect? Or “Happy” as in “happy ending” in that he actually got off. The whole asexual thing is a mystery to me as I find I am (if anything) hypersexual. 😉 At any rate, he is not LWsexual in that he is in no way attracted to her…
callmehobo October 21, 2011, 8:16 am
Yeah, my first thought was, “Maybe he isn’t attracted to you anymore because he realized he really only likes penis…”
thyme October 21, 2011, 1:18 pm
Ooooh cute avatar! <3 the doggies
callmehobo October 21, 2011, 1:44 pm
Thank you! That’s my Maggie (and she is a mess)
bagge72 October 21, 2011, 3:06 pm
I have a Maggie May! Well my parents do, but she was mine when I lived there for 6 years with her, and the little guy in my avitar is Bailey George! We were watching him for somebody, and they never came back to pick him up. He loves women, and follows my mom around every where, and jumps on her lap where ever she sits down.
Kerrycontrary October 21, 2011, 8:27 am
Love it!!! And Dennis was too nice to say it but all of us readers aren’t…your Ex was probably (most definitely) gay. He just figured it out finally and wanted to break it to you the nice way. On the off chance he’s not gay, he wasted your time which is a really not nice thing to do.
Sonia October 21, 2011, 8:59 am
Okay, just because your relationship didn’t end/continue how you wanted it to, does not make the other party gay. Is it possible? Yes. Is it also something people tell themselves to feel better? Yes.
On that note. Flow chart = awesome.
hhr October 21, 2011, 2:10 pm
I don’t think people are considering he might be gay because her relationship didn’t end/continue how she wanted it to. It’s very specifically because he didn’t have sex with her for 3 years (ever).
Sonia October 24, 2011, 10:45 am
Right, but there are so many other circumstances that might apply. Maybe he’s asexual. Maybe he’s a virgin and not ready. Maybe he’s not a virgin and not ready to have sex with her. Maybe he IS gay. I just find it irrational that it’s such an immediate conclusion to which many will jump.
They could be 18 years old – so if they’ve been together since they were fifteen, is it so strange now? What if the roles were reversed and HE was pressuring her? I imagine if that were the case, there would be a lot of different comments here.
silver_dragon_girl October 21, 2011, 9:03 am
Nice flowchart, Dennis! I liked the “Ding! Ding! Ding!” 🙂
Yeah, LW, I’m sorry you had to go through this, because it sucks, but this guy is not right for you. He’s either gay, or flat-out not attracted to you, or flat-out doesn’t want to be with you. There really aren’t any other options here. I know it hurts to hear that someone doesn’t find you attractive, but remember…there are more fish in the sea. So go out there and find a fish who wants to boink you. 🙂
Ladybug October 21, 2011, 10:19 am
“go out an find a fish who wants to boink you.”
Love it! Even if I am probably going to the image of an amorous salmon (think Pepe LePew in fish form) in my head all day.
bethany October 21, 2011, 9:05 am
Dennis, this was glorious!! LOVED IT!
MissDre October 21, 2011, 9:10 am
LoL loved it!
amber October 21, 2011, 9:14 am
i think some people should be required to print this chart out! and i agree that the ex could be gay, not really in to her, sleeping with someone else, many possibilities. at the end of the day he just didn’t want to have sex or be with her. did you guys talk before the year and a half mark about sex? what was stopping him from being ready? i feel like there were probably other clues that this relationship wasn’t working other than the no sex, that maybe you left out? was your communication good in general or not really. what sort of a ‘rut’ were you stuck in?
Tudor Princess October 21, 2011, 9:25 am
Dennis, I always knew you were awesome, but then I just looked at your bio and saw that you also write for Cracked. Consider me smitten.
Dennis Hong October 21, 2011, 2:23 pm
Aww, thanks. I was wondering how you figured out so quickly that I write for Cracked. Then I realized that I put the wrong link on my byline. That was supposed to go to my blog articles, not my bio. Cracked gets enough traffic on their own. No need to promote them here. :-p
Oh well.
Tudor Princess October 21, 2011, 4:07 pm
As an avid Cracked reader I’m surprised that I didn’t put 2 and 2 together earlier.
As for the blog, I’m definitely adding it to my daily reading list.
katie October 21, 2011, 8:17 pm
omg- is this true?
count me smitten as well.
dear wendy and cracked are my favorite sites!!
Budj October 21, 2011, 9:39 am
Dennis – that flow chart successfully nullifies any speculation….that is also bad for traffic.
SGMcG October 21, 2011, 9:39 am
I’m going to throw this other theory as to why he wasn’t ready to sleep with you: Maybe he was being selfish and only wanted sexual activity in which HIS happiness was assured. Some penises, for whatever reason, just can’t handle vagina. The guy doesn’t necessarily need to be gay (although that IS the prevailing reason why they can’t handle vagina), but they might have masturbated themselves to a frenzy that it’s difficult for them to ejaculate without the criteria they created for themselves. They need the suction of a vaccum or the deathgrip of a vulcan in order to make their happiness pie.
Usually it takes a lot of practice for those penises to get out of that mindset and learn to accept the vagina. Identification and acceptance of the prevailing sexual orientation in themselves usually helps. Yet the fact that he wasn’t able to work on it with you – let alone have sex with you? Unless there is a religious/moral beliefs and/or traumatic past that isn’t mentioned in the letter in effect, why would you want to make it work with someone who doesn’t want to work with you?
The only advice to be given is the one to provide after a nasty breakup: MOA.
Budj October 21, 2011, 9:54 am
Even if that is the case – I don’t think I’ve ever seen a case where a dude avoided sex because of it…but I am limited to my experiences ( I don’t have DGS…I swear…really)
Budj October 21, 2011, 9:55 am
yea – i’m flooding this…I hate how redundant that is.
ReginaRey October 21, 2011, 9:43 am
I can’t imagine a dude who can’t handle the vag! I mean, really?? Any boyfriend of mine who doesn’t consider my V to be like, the Mecca of Sexdom, is dismissed.
Budj October 21, 2011, 9:51 am
DGS is very real…except I think you need to masterbate like a maniac to get yourself there…
MissDre October 21, 2011, 10:09 am
I read an article not that long ago about a teenager who apparently masturbated to death… not sure how that worked.
Budj October 21, 2011, 10:10 am
hahaha- teen deaths aren’t funny…but I think there may be a crucial piece of that story that they left out for the family.
Budj October 21, 2011, 10:11 am
Unless severe dehydration….IDK….I think you’d get sores / be shooting blanks before that could happen so I’m leaning more towards asphyxiation.
lk October 21, 2011, 10:37 am
Autoerotic asphyxiation is very dangerous!! Seriously, don’t do it. People die.
iseeshiny October 21, 2011, 11:12 am
David Carradine, anyone?
ape_escape October 22, 2011, 6:10 am
…anyone?….anyone?
haha. morbid. funny though. but seriously morbid.
and funny.
SGMcG October 21, 2011, 9:55 am
Oh believe me, it happens…and they’re out there. You could go along the merry way of mutual masturbation and/or oral sex, yet when you break out the condom to initate potential sexual penetration – down goes the flagpole. Psychological impotence is probably more frustrating to deal with than physical ED – only because the equipment is functioning, but it just can’t execute what it needs to. Dealing with it requires a LOT of patience and communication from both parties. If the guy isn’t willing to talk about it, then he’s definitely unable to be good, giving and game during sexytimes – so don’t even bother.
Riefer October 21, 2011, 12:43 pm
Yep, if you read Savage Love at all, you’ll be aware of this issue.
silver_dragon_girl October 21, 2011, 9:58 am
My ex-boyfriend was like this. He rarely, if ever, finished through sex alone. He almost always had to have a hand job to get off. It was an issue.
Of course, he didn’t ever *reject* sex, and wanted it often, just couldn’t “go all the way” so to speak.
6napkinburger October 21, 2011, 12:23 pm
BTW I am LOVING those commercials for shower2 shower? morning eve? whatever the company, and others may hate them, but I love those “power to the V” commercials. They just get up there and say that vaginas are the most powerful things in the world; I want to buy their marketing director a cosmo. Yay for them.
Budj October 21, 2011, 12:40 pm
That’s why men need to stay stag…once you fall in to the V-trap it’s over.
Riefer October 21, 2011, 12:46 pm
The commercials are fine, except for the fact that douching is completely unnecessary, and the majority of gynos and doctors recommend against it because of the negative side effects.
6napkinburger October 21, 2011, 1:15 pm
But that’s not the majority of what they sell (I dont’ think). It’s cleansers, powders and “feminine wetting drops.” And while its very nice of magazines to just tell you to use soap, that shit can be hella drying and doesn’t smell very nice. (I know fragrances are bad, but not if it doesn’t go … up… hell, most tampons are scented).
And actually, as a side, not a correction, doctors only don’t recommend douching for healthy, balanced systems. If you are unbalanced (hence why you went to the dr, with symptoms), they actually will recommend it to re-calibrate your ph. Nothing wrong with a woman’s ph that needs to be fixed generally, unless, you know, it actually does need to be fixed. And the fact that there are so FEW douches left because of all the anti-douching sentiment means you wind up having to make it yourself, which is super duper awkward and not nearly as sanitary or accurate as if you could just buy it.
Riefer October 21, 2011, 1:23 pm
I agree that if your doctor says you require it, then you should douche. But that’s the only time. I just wanted to get that info out because there are a lot of women who think that they should actually be doing it to stay clean, but it’s actually harmful.
Anyway, whether Summer’s Eve is pushing douche or other products to clean your vaginal area, I’m not appreciative of their message that your natural smell needs to be removed. If you shower regularly, then your vagina will just smell like a vagina. It’s not dirty or disgusting and the scent doesn’t need covering up. I have enough power to my V already without covering it in powder or deodorant.
Sorry if I sound like I’m attacking you, I’m totally not. Do what you feel comfortable with. I just hate advertising that pushes this idea that women’s sex organs are naturally “dirty” and need extra products to make them acceptable.
6napkinburger October 21, 2011, 1:37 pm
We’re about to get WAY too personal (and I’m not attacking YOU at all) but it bothers ME that everyone thinks that vag’s are all the same and that some don’t stink. They do.
You know how some people wear a brand of deodorant and it “works” but other people still smell gross from the same brand? and some sweat more than others? and some sweat but don’t smell and some smell but barely sweat? There’s a whole industry that helps fix that problem. Ask a “natural” person, and they’ll tell you all the harm that is in the aluminum and all the other chemicals and how horrible it is to use an antipersperant… your body is MEANT to sweat. They’re all 100% right. But most of use use deodorant because we don’t want to be smelly and sweat through our pretty dresses (or suits or lumberjack outfits).
Same with vag’s. Most are very lovely and don’t need anything other than dove. Yay for us. But some need mitchum! And it sucks that any woman who is like, I think I might smell bad is always hit back with “no, that’s natural! don’t let the commercialism make you question your natural feminine musk!” Which would be fine if she was a lady speed stick kind of girl. But if she’s not, she probably REALLY DOES SMELL. Some women do. There’s a woman at the gym who comes out of the shower and I can STILL smell it. And there’s nothing wrong with using a little “feminine hygine wash” (which is bodywash for your lady parts, not a douche), and maybe some scented powder (we put it on babies and they’re super sensitive). Because if other people can smell you, there’s no harm in taking care of yourself, just like we do in 100 different ways.
I’m totally with you that everyone used to douche and its really bad for you when not necessary. And I’m not recommending that. But sometimes the pendulum swings the other way and we have to get all “stance-y” about something that isn’t really that bad. In europe, most of the major brands make “feminine” products, nivea, garner, all of them. It isn’t hush-hush or villified, its just part of taking a shower. You use a different soap on your head and your body and your face, why not your hoo-ha?
Anyways, I also didn’t get the feeling from the commercial that there was some need to “fix” ourselves. I found the commercials very empowering: vag’s are super important and valuable so take care of yours; and if you need products to help, use ours, because we get that. I didn’t get: vag’s are important and yours smells, please fix.
Riefer October 21, 2011, 1:57 pm
Thanks for the insight, 6. Like I said, do what makes you feel comfortable, as long as it isn’t dangerous. I guess the problem that I still have with it is that there have been and still are many cultures that have seen women and women’s genitals as “unclean”, and there are women who still douche because men have told them they smell bad down there and that they’re dirty if they don’t (I know this from women who have told me that’s why they do it). So that’s where I’m coming from, I do think there’s still a stigma about women’s body parts and products like this feed into it. That’s why I don’t like them. But I’m not advocating making them illegal, and you’re free to like them even if I don’t.
Also, just to add, if the smell down there is so strong that other people can smell it even with clothes on, there may actually be something wrong. Maybe not, because as you say, some people have stronger body odours than others. But a very strong smell can be an indicator of a problem, and a doctor can tell whether it’s normal for that person or not.
lets_be_honest October 21, 2011, 2:04 pm
I think you both bring up really good points that women should know. I’d also like to emphasize what Riefer said…that more likely than not, if you have such a strong odor down that you can smell it after showering even with clothes you, you should get to a doctor because there may be an infection and no amount of Summer’s Eve is going to help that.
Christy October 21, 2011, 10:02 am
Love the flow chart!
Melissa October 21, 2011, 10:16 am
Maybe the boyfriend has an STD and didn’t want to tell her, hence the making out but no sex?
SGMcG October 21, 2011, 11:24 am
Unless the STD was microscopic, I think the LW would have seen something while she was making her guy happy. Yet just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean that it’s not a possibility. Considering the guy has yet to explain the behavior, LW should get tested anyway…just in case.
Marie October 21, 2011, 11:57 am
STD’s are not usually visible to the human eye. HIV? Herpes most of the time? Chylamdia . . . the list goes goes on. My first thought (Ok well after he’s gay) was perhaps an STD he didn’t want feel up confessing.
melanie October 21, 2011, 1:46 pm
also not visable if the pants are on. You know, unless she has X-ray vision.
lets_be_honest October 21, 2011, 1:49 pm
This seems like a really big stretch. Being in a relationship with someone for THREE years and never once having sex because you’re afraid they will find out about your STD?
Shadowflash1522 October 21, 2011, 3:03 pm
I mean, it’s better than the “Disappointed in Her” girl from a few days ago who had sex anyway and still didn’t tell him…
lets_be_honest October 21, 2011, 3:46 pm
very true.
ReginaRey October 21, 2011, 9:18 am
I think that DW Flowcharts need to become “a thing.”
Also – this dude, totally has some serious ISSUES. I assume that the no sex thing wasn’t about marriage, since I feel like that would have been the first thing to say. So, whether he was gay (I feel that it’s highly probable) or was traumatized in the past and never told you (also a possibility…but not as likely as being gay I think), or just very, very strange for never wanting to have sex with you (seriously…a dude? Not wanting to have sex…? Is this….possible?)……..no matter what, this dude is NOT worth thinking about anymore. On to better things…and dudes who want to have sex with you.
Oh, and I agree with the sentiment that the no sex thing was probably not the only red flag in this relationship. Perhaps you should use your newly-found single time to investigate why you stayed with someone for three years when it seems that it wasn’t exactly “good.”
matbo October 21, 2011, 11:58 am
I agree with you, but let’s not further perpetuate the stereotype that “ZOMG MEN ALWAYS WANT SEX”…it really affects men negatively and makes them feel they can never not be in the mood. Maybe I’ve just dated unnormal men, but a few times it’s come up how they sometimes just had sex even though they didn’t want to, because they didn’t want to seem less manly. People should feel safe to initiate, receive or refuse in a relationship, regardless of gender.
(That said a person going for three years with out sex? Well if they’ve never tried it and get regular orgasms, I could see it happening. It’s only after you’ve had sex and go back to “Not having it”, that it becomes an issue…)
Robin October 21, 2011, 12:19 pm
I don’t think people are necessarily saying men only want sex all the time. It’s more like… three years? Men don’t always want sex, but they are far far more likely to go for it sometime in three years. (Unless it’s a religious issue, which isn’t mentioned.)
Really, even if he has someone on the side or doesn’t really like her that much, I think he would have gone for it at some point. You have to think she’s REALLY not his type.
(I don’t want to go here, but I’m thinking of Lolita, how he pretends to be interested in the mother while really not wanting her at all in order to get close to the daughter… – or he could just be gay.)
matbo October 21, 2011, 12:34 pm
But just because men are “far far more likely to go for it” does not mean that he would be. I’m just really against trying to explain why people are wrong based on some stereotype, because I’ve had people explain me based on stereotypes often, which I hate. So I don’t want to do it to others.
I think he’s a comfortable virgin who didn’t want to try something new. Or gay. Or the std-theory was good to. But it doesn’t really matter why he didn’t have sex with her. What matters is he broke up with her and she should MOA.
6napkinburger October 21, 2011, 12:55 pm
Saying that “most heterosexual men want to have sex with their partners EVER” is totally different than saying “all men want sex ALWAYS.” There are stereotypes and then there are facts/statistics.
If we eliminate religion and societal pressure as the reason for abstinences (which do not have anything to do with actual sexual desire), it is fair to say that it is “uncommon” for a previously sexually active heterosexual man to *NEVER* want to engage in intercourse, especially with his safe, loving and committed partner. In fact, it is so uncommon that one of those characteristics is probably false. He is (most likely): (1) not previously sexually active; (1.5)not heterosexual, (2) does want to engage in intercourse (but not with her), (3) does want to engage in intercourse with her (but can’t, given unknown physical or psychological problems), (4) he does not perceive her as a loving and committed partner or does not see intercourse with her as “safe,” or (5) he is asexual.
None of those are based on “stereotypes” that guys want to bang women all day everyday, but are a function of a “normal” sex drive. If a woman NEVER ever ever (not once!) wanted to have sex with her partner, we would say the same thing. This isn’t a frequency issue, or an “i’m tired and stressed out and too busy” issue; this goes beyond that. NO sex is different than infrequent sex and has very different root causes. If his sex drive is “abnormal”, due to hormone imbalances, medication, or just the way he was born, then that is very important for his partner to know. LW clearly does not know what his issues are. So we are forced to speculate. Not that it matters for this particular relationship, as it’s over, but it’s fair to let the LW know that this is not “typical” and she can and should expect something different from her partner, or an explanation of why its not.
katie October 21, 2011, 8:16 pm
exactly- its just generally weird to not have a sex drive… male, female or whatever, its encoded in our DNA…
of course there are the outliers that actually have no sex drive, but as a whole, humans want sex. they just do.
ReginaRey October 21, 2011, 12:47 pm
I agree that it’s not right to force that kind of stereotype and pressure on men all the time. In my experience, though, I’ve only EVER dated men who had extremely high sex drives. I guess to me, it’s just seem like that’s what’s “normal.”
Addie Pray October 21, 2011, 1:05 pm
It’s your age, RR. Guys in their early 20s want it all the time and seem to more than girls in their early 20s. Ever since I hit my 30s though — holy shit — it’s on like donkey kong! I can’t get enough. Men in their 30s? Their sex drives have lowered a bit… Frustrating. That is *my* experience in any event. Any other women in their 30s care to chime in and let me know if this sex drive of mine is because the 30s ROCK or because I’m weird…
JK October 21, 2011, 1:17 pm
I´ve always had a reasonably high sex drive, lately (I´m nearly 33) it´s dropped a bit but I think it´s because I´m so tired from running around after my daughters.
My husband´s (he´s 36) seems to have picked up a bit lately 🙂
Firegirl32 October 21, 2011, 3:12 pm
My 30’s definately stepped up my libido as well…they say that’s typical though. Again, who “they” are, I can’t remember…
6napkinburger October 21, 2011, 1:06 pm
Don’t step it back! You’re description was totally fair. If we want to be super PC, we can make sure we allow for the possibility that he is asexual (which does not mean a-romantic or a-love). BUT. If a man is not asexual and is in an adult heterosexual relationship, it is weird if he NEVER EVER EVER (not once!) wants to engage in sex with his partner withouth providing a reason. Maybe he has an STD. Maybe he didn’t want to knock her up. Maybe he can’t get it up. Those are reasons why he WOULDN’T have sex, not why he wouldn’t WANT to have sex with her.
To say that it is normal for men in relationships to want to sleep with the person they choose to be in a relationship with (EVER!) is not some mean misandry she-man warrior princess way of perpetuating unfair sterotypes. Don’t pseudo-apologize.
Shadowflash1522 October 21, 2011, 2:53 pm
There are also some asexuals who will have sex for their partner’s enjoyment, because they care about their partners and want them to be happy. Alternatively, they don’t demand sexual fidelity and allow their romantic partner to have other sexual relationships to satisfy their needs. Asexual more usually means “just not into it” rather than “run screaming into the night at the thought of penis/vagina”, so it is kind of a flag that he never indulged her for her own sake or let her make other arrangements.
plasticepoxy October 21, 2011, 2:47 pm
I agree, I’d love to see more flowcharts!
MissDre October 21, 2011, 10:31 am
This is totally off topic so I apologize, but somebody on Dear Wendy told me they know a lot about audio engineering equipment and that I could come to them with questions but I can’t remember who it was! If you are out there please reply, I need help! Thanks 🙂
Sailorbabe October 21, 2011, 10:56 am
Love the flow chart… Awesome!
Addie Pray October 21, 2011, 11:13 am
This is great, Dennis! Wendy should have a “flow chart” category for letters answerable by a flow chart. Dennis, I challenge you to tackle all letters (well, all letters reserved for you as a guest columnist) with respones in the form of a flow chart. Venn diagrams are also acceptable.
Marie October 21, 2011, 11:53 am
Most (read: all) men want to have sex, and if they don’t something is very, very wrong. When you meet the right guy who just loves you, wants in your pants, and you have fun with, this will all seem like a bad dream. Go out and find him!
CG October 21, 2011, 10:59 am
LOL you rule, Dennis! 🙂
6napkinburger October 21, 2011, 12:15 pm
AGES, PEOPLE!!!!! THEY ARE CRUCIAL!!!
If you aren’t “religious”/”conservative”/whatever: If you were both 16 when you started dating and are now 19, its not THAT weird that you haven’t had sex in 3 year relationship. If you were 27 when you started dating, it IS weird that you haven’t had sex in a 3 year relationship, especially one that included living together.
Context is EVERYTHING and this letter has none.
TheOtherMe October 21, 2011, 12:31 pm
I AGREE….really, most of the time I just don’t answer or I hold back because I am thinking I will be too nasty to someone who just might be lacking life experience…
that being said I ❤ Dennis.
thyme October 21, 2011, 1:31 pm
how do you make the heart?
amber October 21, 2011, 12:59 pm
yes, reading this coming from someone young does change the perspective. i always seem to forget that and imagine LWs as older than that. but, that would make a lot more sense!
awendybird October 21, 2011, 12:45 pm
Love it, Dennis! So funny!
SSBoo October 21, 2011, 1:21 pm
This is genius!!!! Best flow chart I’ve ever read!!!
Dennis Hong October 21, 2011, 12:25 pm
Thanks, everyone! I decided to try something different with the flow chart, so I’m glad y’all like it.
Eljay October 21, 2011, 12:51 pm
Thumb up for the flow chart…extra up for “y’all.”
Michelle.Lea October 21, 2011, 2:31 pm
as others pointed out, be happy you dodged a bullet.
maybe he’s just asexual? or depressed. it could really be a number of things. it doesnt mean that he stops loving you, but relationships with sex drives that are that far off, are not fun.
Foots October 21, 2011, 4:08 pm
Very cool flow chart!!
Jan October 21, 2011, 4:47 pm
Dennis, I think I love you.
Peej October 22, 2011, 2:03 pm
I thought the little red box all the arrows lead to would say “gay.”
shoey October 22, 2011, 2:43 pm
maybe gay, but not nescessarily, not necessarily asexual either… maybe there are larger forces at work, cultural forces that have nothing to do with her but play heavily on the male psyche and libido…
maybe someone should look into that, or not… looking into things like this may cause one to be forced to make a moral judgement about certain things that have become acceptable in our society, like say for instance: pornography.
Palace_Gypsy October 22, 2011, 3:31 pm
I wish I could find a girl to not have sex with. *SIGH*
Choirboy626 October 22, 2011, 6:58 pm
Where’s the part that asks if he won’t sleep with you, but keeps you in his orbit so his friends and family (and his religious self-delusion) won’t notice he’s gay.
delilahgem October 23, 2011, 12:33 pm
Love the flowchart, D!
H October 23, 2011, 7:19 pm
LW,
There is obviously something major going on with this guy. Don’t take it personally. I am not sure if anyone else mentioned this part of it (being a lazy reader). But, please, try not to let this be a detriment to your self-esteem. A guy who stays in a relationship with a woman he is “not attracted to” has something else going on. Even if he is the type to wait for marriage (which is a valid choice) he should still be with someone he finds beautiful and someone he WANTS to have sex with. My guess is that something traumatic happened in his past and/or he is just not into sex AT ALL. It is not your fault. You are most likely quite lovely. But, go out and find someone else who wants you. Stop dwelling. This guy needs to go work out his issues. Whatever they may be. Be thankful you don’t have to waste your time anymore.