Fast forward over three years. We’ve seen each other on and off regularly the whole time about once or twice a month. He isn’t great at answering text messages and never really has been. He also travels a lot. I’ve never met any of his friends, and he shares a townhome with a male “business partner.” The only time I have ever been to his home is when the business partner was away. When he comes to my house, he will help me mow the yard and do chores, he wants me to scratch his back and give him massages, he likes for me to play with his penis, we take showers together, and we sleep in the same bed, cuddle, and do all the relationship stuff other than have sex. He even bought me a dog and acts like it is our dog together. There is very little kissing anymore and he doesn’t seem to want to pleasure me or be very affectionate with me, but he seems to enjoy what I do for him.
He has a very small penis and I know he has some insecurities about it. I still want to have sex though. Despite my being a few pounds overweight, I think I am very attractive. I’ve never been turned down for sex. In fact, I get sexual offers all the time. I’m invested in this situation and I’m just not interested in ANYTHING from ANYONE else.
I just have so many questions:
· Do I just not turn him on?
· Is he testing his gayness with me?
· Does he have a girlfriend and I am the girl on the side? After all, I only see him once or twice a month and it does take him a long time to respond to my texts. He also disconnects from his vehicle’s Bluetooth to not receive notifications when I’m riding with him.
· Am I just the back-burner girl?
· Does he have serious commitment issues?
We’ve never defined our relationship. I’m almost afraid to after all this time. My son really likes him. I’m OK with seeing him just a couple times a month. I enjoy the time we spend together, I am comfortable with him, and I genuinely care for him. I’m just so confused! — Confused
The questions you’ve posed to me about the guy you’re seeing are ones you need to be asking him. Three years together and you haven’t addressed the lack of sex or any of the other odd behavior from his end? Why are you so passive?! Obviously, OBVIOUSLY, something shady is going on. Whether that is another woman, another man, a secret family – who knows. Can you even be certain the house you’ve visited when his “roommate” is out of town is his? More likely, it’s a friend’s home that he uses for rendezvous when said friend is out of town.
There’s a reason you haven’t met anyone in his life before. He’s keeping you a secret because he isn’t supposed to be seeing you. You are the lie he is telling someone else. Honestly, it doesn’t matter who that someone else is. It doesn’t matter whether he’s straight or gay or somewhere in between — what matters is that he is not available to you. And, frankly, for what it’s worth, the theory that he’s gay doesn’t make much sense. People don’t “test out their gayness” for years on end. Clearly, he’s sexually attracted to you or he wouldn’t pursue sexual intimacy with you at all. Why does he stop short of actual sex? I have no idea. Maybe he’s convinced himself that it isn’t actually cheating if there isn’t penetration. Maybe he has a physical or medical issue that inhibits him. I mean, have you truly never asked in three years of being intimate why he never wants to have sex? The fact that you haven’t seemed to question all his truly odd behavior is probably WHY he continues seeing you. You make it easy for him to keep being shady.
This “relationship” is never ever moving forward. You may truly not want ANYTHING with ANYONE else, but I’m telling you: You aren’t getting ANYTHING more from this guy than the sad, waning attention you’ve gotten thus far. This is it. If you aren’t ok being someone’s side piece who gets minimal and unfulfilling sexual attention, you need to move on. And next time, don’t introduce your son to a guy you’ve had a few lunches with. Invest in a babysitter, meet dates on actual dates, and don’t bring anyone home until you’ve met important people in his life and you’ve had some sort of “define the relationship” conversation.
My boyfriend tells me I shouldn’t go to the wedding at all to send them a message. (I feel like he’s making this more about himself than considering my feelings.) He gave me the ultimatum that if I go to this wedding, he and I are done. He wants me to fight for him and prove my love to him. My kids also look forward to the family time with my brothers. My boyfriend and I have been fighting about this since that incident, and, while I really don’t want to disappoint him, I feel torn either way.
What should I do?? — To Go or Not to Go
Go to your aunt’s wedding, let your boyfriend leave you over it, and thank your aunt for continuing the tradition of protecting you by giving you a great opportunity to end a controlling relationship with a selfish, emotionally-stunted dickhead.
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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.