She is going to Vegas for a bachelorette party with her sister (31) who is completely narcissistic and influential on Theresa. There will be four of them, including Theresa’s best friend, who is very, very tight and married.
Theresa went to a sex shop in the Manhattan last week to bring things to Vegas and, I am not embellishing — I swear she got condoms. Over the last few months I have heard talk of male strip clubs, dancing, grinding, and letting a guy c_m on her thigh. She seems to bring up Vegas a lot. She loves the place and has been there 30 times (and is only 35, remember).
The other day I asked if her sister would cheat in Vegas, and she said “no, she is too much of a ‘pussy’.” That statement said a lot to me.
My mind is racing; I think something is rotten in Denmark. I have even gotten to the point
where I have called private investigators to keep on eye on her and checked into rates. Very expensive, and I am not sure I want to go that route due to what I will find out.
Your thoughts are appreciated. Am I way off base? Should I hire someone just so I will know for sure? What exactly constitutes cheating at a bachlorette party? I have my thoughts. Why the condoms? I am really going thru a lot of anxiety. They will be there for a week, which is a fair amount of time to spend in Sin City. — Considering a Private Eye
Let’s go through your points, one by one, shall we? First, the condoms I can see being “decoration” at a bachelorette party, or being fashioned into some cheesy headdress that the bride “gets” to wear all night. Talk of male strippers and dancing? Eh, that’s no reason to suspect cheating. I mean, dancing? Really? A woman can dance in a club without cheating on her boyfriend, for christ’s sake. The “grinding” thing is a little weird, though. Does she mean grinding against her girlfriends like college girls do to get attention from guys? Or does she mean grinding against other men? Either way, weird.
And then there’s the comment about letting a guy c*m on her thigh. Come again? Did she really say that? Was she trying to be funny? Wait, strike that. It’s not funny. You just don’t say something like that to your boyfriend! Like, ever.
Finally, that you’re considering a hiring a private investigator after a mere seven months together speaks volumes. Really, I don’t think we need to even address the rest of your points — although the one about her friend being “very, very tight” is curious… — this is a case of MOA if ever there was one. Get out now while you have a shred of dignity left.
Now, quick, someone go find Bitter_Gay_Mark and tell him that women aren’t the only ones who date people who clearly have no respect for them.
You can follow me on Facebook here.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Budj August 30, 2012, 9:08 am
hahahahaha – MOA brah!
Man it felt good to use dude slang with a MOA for once.
iseeshiny August 30, 2012, 2:15 pm
For an embarrassingly long time I thought bra was the feminine of bro.
CatsMeow August 30, 2012, 2:44 pm
That’s cute. I think it should be!
JK August 30, 2012, 9:10 am
WWS x 100. Especially the last line. 🙂 (You know I love you, BGM)
Christy August 30, 2012, 9:11 am
Can I just have a moment? A 35-year-old is not a girl. You are dating a woman. I don’t think you can really refer to a 35-year-old as a girl or boy unless you’re like 80.
Lindsay August 30, 2012, 11:47 am
Yeah, and it sounds like he was emphasizing her age to explain why she might act crazy. It’s not like dating a 21-year-old…
kf August 30, 2012, 12:22 pm
Why is it that “I’m dating a [35 year old] girl” sounds so bad, but “I have a 35 year old girlfriend” is perfectly fine?
(not criticizing you, just commenting on the weirdness of language sometimes. Calling a 35 year old a “girl” sounds totally wrong to me too.)
Christy August 30, 2012, 12:31 pm
No I know. I guess as a response, think about “I’m dating a [35-year-old] boy” vs “I have a 35-year-old boyfriend.” That one works the same way.
I do think there comes a time when boyfriend and girlfriend become inappropriate. Like, when you’re old (and lord knows I’m not trying to say when “old” is) I think “lady friend” and “gentleman caller” are sweet terms.
Honestly I wish after like college we would collectively switch to lady friend and gentleman caller.
applescruffs August 30, 2012, 1:39 pm
My boyfriend’s (gentleman caller’s?) dad is about 58, and he introduces his girlfriend by saying, this is my love. I think it’s sweet.
Christy August 31, 2012, 7:43 am
I just like the idea of referring to my gf as my lady friend.
Leah August 30, 2012, 9:15 am
Some men consider what goes on with strippers a free pass. Since money is changing hands, they don’t consider it “real” cheating. The thing is, what constitutes cheating is going to vary by individual and needs to be very clearly defined within every relationship.
And you can get a LOT farther with male strippers than the average woman stripper! I’ve never been to a male strip club, but from what I’ve heard from friends it’s a lot more hands-on. At the strip club that my friend attended a few times, most of the male strippers were gay but she and her friend still found two straight ones who were eager to go home with them.
You need to define, right now, what you are and are not comfortable with your girlfriend doing. And “no touching or being touched by strippers” is a perfectly acceptable rule! Many, many women hold their boyfriends to the same standards. It’s possible that your girlfriend will lie just to placate you, but from what you’ve said about her attitude she probably will have no problem telling you whether or not she’s willing to accept your terms.
kf August 30, 2012, 10:21 am
He appears to be not comfortable with her going to Vegas at all, and it sounds like she would spend the rest of her life there if she could. Time to move on.
A guy August 31, 2012, 3:58 pm
“You need to define, right now, …”
Aaaaaand *that* is about the time he should actually simply dump her. If you need to define things after she went to a sex shop and bought condoms in anticipation of her trip to Vegas, things are pretty well defined already, methinks.
He just had no part in defnining them.
Savannah August 30, 2012, 9:15 am
“including Theresa’s best friend, who is very, very tight and married”
Wha??? what does this possibly mean?
her body is tight, she’s uptight…?
Budj August 30, 2012, 9:18 am
The optimist in me is HOPING he meant “she is very tight with her best friend” and he forgot a few words, haha.
ktfran August 30, 2012, 9:21 am
I was hoping for uptight. But I like your version.
Savannah August 30, 2012, 9:22 am
that might be it-but it takes a strange turn with the whole ‘tight and married’ part- I just keep thinking about kegels to be honest.- but lets go with your version, its nicer.
Fabelle August 30, 2012, 9:25 am
Yeah, I was thinking “did he mean uptight?” It sounds like the point was to contrast the image of his girlfriend’s wild & crazy sister to her more conservative, married friend? Maybe he’s hoping the two extremes will balance her out on this trip?
LK7889 August 30, 2012, 9:21 am
I was wondering that too…
katie August 30, 2012, 9:31 am
my first thought as well!
LK7889 August 30, 2012, 9:17 am
Yeah, this letter is like, “oh ok…. uh huh…. uh huh… that’s weird… wait a sec… WTF?” C*m on her thigh? Really? She said this to her boyfriend? Clearly, there’s a reason she’s never been married before.
Also, AP should add a rule to her list: If the letter mentions hiring private investigators more than once, well, at all really, MOA.
jlyfsh August 30, 2012, 9:28 am
i agree, if you have to hire a private investigator ever, but especially after 7 months, it’s time to MOA.
Fabelle August 30, 2012, 9:23 am
“Now, quick, someone go find Bitter_Gay_Mark and tell him that women aren’t the only ones who date people who clearly have no respect for them.” Hahaha
Yeah, this all just sounds very weird. In what context did she say she’d let a guy jizz on her thigh? She sounds like she likes to use colorful language, so maybe she…I don’t know…didn’t mean it? That way? (Yeah, nevermind, I got nothing.)
WWS. Don’t hire a private investigator, dude, just cut your losses. Who knows if she’ll actually cheat on you, but either way– she doesn’t sound like the woman for you.
Iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2012, 9:28 am
This is my all time favorite letter. Ever. I call dibs on it.
This is slightly off topic but am I the only one that thinks its weird to be worried about cheating if your girlfriend/wife/whatever is over the age of 25? I mean I know it happens – but come on here people. Your old ass should know better than that. Just to save my dignity I think if I thought my SO was going to cheat I would break up just over the shame of having that thought.
parton_doll August 30, 2012, 9:41 am
Oh no … the craziest cheating seems to happen over 35.
Iwannatalktosampson August 30, 2012, 9:50 am
I know – but I mean to be worried about it at that age?? I mean maybe I just have this thought in my head that at 35 you should have your shit together. I imagine a hot guy with salt and pepper hair closing sexy business deals and having cocktails at lunch – nowhere in that equation is he sitting around worried about getting cheated on. He has more important things to do with his time.
LK7889 August 30, 2012, 9:55 am
Something tells me that this guy might be 45 but that his maturity level is somewhere around 20. I mean, he called a married woman “very tight”, calls a 35 year old woman a girl, feels the need to tell everyone that he looks younger than he is and he’s considering hiring a PI for a seven month relationship? Screams serious immaturity.
Skyblossom August 30, 2012, 10:00 am
I think cheating picks up in the 40s. People have been married for a while and have had time to grow distant from each other and someone catches their attention and the next thing you know they’re having an affair and getting divorced and everyone is talking about how sleazy they are and feeling sorry for the kids and the cheated on spouse. It’s tough. It leaves people having to decide which half of the couple to invite over for the holidays or to decide if they want anything to do with the new spouse that was the affair.
Eljay August 30, 2012, 10:28 am
I completely agree with this. One, because I’ve lived it. Two, because I’ve seen it too many times. Men in their 40’s who want to “relive” their youth, prove they’ve “still got it”, or just want to give the old self-esteem a lift. Whatever the case, I think cheating is absolutely not reserved for the young. If that were the case, I’d still be married & my family would be intact.
Taylor August 30, 2012, 10:25 am
Sampson…35 isn’t that old! Seriously! It gets here before you know it too. And I agree…I suspect people in their 30s and 40s cheat a lot out of boredom with their relationships, and also a wearing off of idealism as you get older. I have a theory that it’s best to get any cheating on/by done in one’s 20s so you know how much is ends up sucking, this clearing later decades for better relationships.
Kate B. August 30, 2012, 10:30 am
Cheating knows no age limits. Being 35 doesn’t automatically mean you have your shit together. Be nice if it did.
Kate B. August 30, 2012, 10:36 am
And 35 is not old!
SweetPeaG August 30, 2012, 9:28 am
This is one of those that I really have no idea what to say.
Wendy, your response made my morning. First with the “Come again?”… I had to stifle the urge to laugh my ass off loudly at work. And then with your mention of Bitter Gay Mark. We will all be looking forward to his response.
Now… LW… you need to move on. You girlfriend sounds immature and you sound weird (sorry, that’s just how you came across). Don’t ever describe a woman as “very, very tight” again… that skeeved me out. Hopefully, it just came out wrong. And if you ever feel the need to price out private investigators? Your relationship already DIED. I think you might need to shoot for a more settled down lady. That would probably bring you more peace of mind in a relationship.
katie August 30, 2012, 9:34 am
um, yea, my first thought- what the hell does tight and married mean?
lw, what you have to think about is what cheating would mean TO YOU. and thats what would constitute cheating. there isnt a magical rule book out there in the world.
and just my two cents, but why the hell would you want a guy to cum on your leg? that doesnt sound sexy in the slightest. like, i imagine the girls just watching him jerk off… thats awkward. i just dont even understand.
SweetPeaG August 30, 2012, 9:55 am
Anyone else think about the SNL song “Jizz in my pants” when they read this letter?
LK7889 August 30, 2012, 9:56 am
Not until now. And I’m going to have it stuck in my head for the rest of the day now. Thanks.
jlyfsh August 30, 2012, 9:35 am
the condoms for a bachelorette party are the least of your worries! we put a bunch on a veil and a tshirt at one of my friend’s parties and made her wear them all night. no condoms were actually used for their intended purposes.
as far as talking about the bachelorette once again i would probably have said nothing was too fishy, until you got to the cum on her thigh. i just can’t believe someone would think that it was ok to say that to their SO. people are crazy!
and vegas as her favorite place, also i don’t think that is your biggest worry. everyone looks for something different in their favorite vacation spot. if she has the time and really wants to go for a week, i don’t think it’s that weird. i mean it wouldn’t be at the top of my list, but my favorite spot wouldn’t be at the top of others either.
although i’m not saying any of this to convince you to stay with her. i think you all probably are not meant to be if you are seriously considering hiring a PI. MOA and find someone who appreciates the fact that you’re 45 and yet look younger than that (why was that important to the story?) and is someone that you can actually trust and is deserving of that trust.
kf August 30, 2012, 10:20 am
Where in the letter is there any mention of a bachelorette party? That’s my only quibble with Wendy’s advice.
Fabelle August 30, 2012, 10:23 am
He brings it up at the end– “What exactly constitutes cheating at a bachlorette party?” I think I assumed it must’ve been a bachelorette party even before that line though, because I had to go back up just to make sure 🙂
jlyfsh August 30, 2012, 10:24 am
the last paragraph:
Your thoughts are appreciated. Am I way off base? Should I hire someone just so I will know for sure? What exactly constitutes cheating at a bachlorette party? I have my thoughts. Why the condoms? I am really going thru a lot of anxiety. They will be there for a week, which is a fair amount of time to spend in Sin City
Wendy August 30, 2012, 10:26 am
I might have inadvertently edited out an earlier mention of the bachelorette party (this letter needed lots of editing). I edited it back in so it makes a little more sense now.
kf August 30, 2012, 10:45 am
Got it, thanks.
I really thought I missed it after seeing Fabelle and jlyfsh’s responses, I pretty much zoned out after the PI mention.
Alecia August 30, 2012, 9:39 am
She’s 35 and a woman but sounds like she needs to grow up and you need to MOA. If you’re thinking of hiring a PI, save yourself the money and the PI the time- because I think your heart would be broken if you found out the truth. You may be serious about her but it sounds like she’s not serious about you.
And I know for a fact women aren’t the only ones who date people who don’t respect them. One of my cousins has had a string of bad luck in finding girlfriends who are only concerned about themselves, money, appearances or some combination of those before they think of him.
cdobbs August 30, 2012, 10:05 am
wow…girlfriend sounds classy (c*m on her thigh? blech)…i do need clarification what did the LW mean by the one girlfriend is “tight”? what does this mean? tight with money? prudish and therefore wouldn’t cheat? the comment to about her sister won’t cheat because she is too big of a pu$$y…uh, this guy’s girlfriend sounds so classless…i say LW dump this ho and go get yourself a decent girlfriend who will treat you with respect (oh…1 more thing…if you are in a relationship where you don’t trust the person to the point where you are contemplating hiring a private investigator…might be time to end things…without trust you will constantly be looking over your shoulder and who would want to live that way)
ele4phant August 30, 2012, 10:42 am
Maybe he meant they were very tight, as in very close? Although, why that would be relevant, I don’t know.
6napkinburger August 30, 2012, 10:13 am
Not going to lie, I thought this was written by a woman in a same-sex relationship. Not due to any womenly stereotypes, but I just got that overwhelming feeling. Did the LW say that it was a hetero relationship anywhere?
Christy August 30, 2012, 10:23 am
Interesting, I don’t really get that. Maybe because I’m gay and the idea of having a guy come on my thigh honestly makes me want to vomit. (Strike that. The idea of any stripper coming on my thigh makes me want to vomit.)
But… lesbian relationships can be clingy. And a lesbian-dating-a-bisexual-woman can be clingy and insecure… I’m not sure–I don’t know that I would use the distinction “never been married” if I were older. Just because of the history of partnered=/=married and lesbians not necessarily needing to put a ring on it to make it be THE MOST SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP EVER.
But you raise an interesting point about our assumptions about the readers. I was the one who had the Your Turn about visiting my gf’s family for the first time, and I never stated my gender, and the dude commenters seemed to be writing their responses as dudes who’d been there. It was great, I loved it. And the fact that we’re both girls never figured into anyone’s response. It wasn’t going to be an issue–my gf is out and her family knew about me–so it was great that it wasn’t an issue in the advice.
Wendy August 30, 2012, 10:32 am
It was signed with a male name and had a male name in the return email address. I googled the email address and found a twitter account with a photo of a dude.
6napkinburger August 30, 2012, 10:37 am
Gotcha.Thanks for the clarification!
I really couldn’t say why i read it like that. Maybe it was the part about the thigh… it seemed extra insecure, rather than weirded out, which had tinges of “I can’t fulfill that need” rather than “wtf? that’s nasty and not something I’m cool with”
Eljay August 30, 2012, 10:41 am
I read it like that too!
MiMi August 30, 2012, 10:15 am
Why don’t you just ask her what the heck her words and her actions mean, because they are making you feel bad and question the relationship. She could be a party animal who talks a lot of smack but wouldn’t actually do anything or she could be a person who thinks that anything short of penetration is ok – you won’t know where the two of you stand on these topics until you talk it out.
It was a bit weird that you didn’t mention her purchases, etc. were for a bachelorette party until later in the letter. It was much more alarming when it sounded like she was getting loaded for bear ’cause that’s just how she rolls..
cmarie August 30, 2012, 10:31 am
Question: when the girlfriend talks about the grinding and making a mess of her thigh, is that past tense? If the girlfriend has been to Vegas a lot, maybe she’s recounting past exploits rather than planning them. In that case, while those aren’t the typical stories to tell your insecure boyfriend, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Unattached in Vegas has a lot of opportunities for debauchery. Just my musings. I agree the LW should MOA. Either the girlfriend has boundary issues or the LW is crazy (probably both). Who even considers hiring a PI to follow their girlfriend of not even 1 year? You got some issue there that can’t all be blamed on the girlfriend.
Michelle.Lea August 30, 2012, 10:32 am
this doesnt sound like a real letter…
niki August 30, 2012, 10:33 am
I think the LW should go ahead and hire the PI. Not because I think it’s the right thing to do, but because I want to read the update!
becboo84 August 30, 2012, 10:40 am
I hadn’t thought of that, but it’s a truly excellent point!
6napkinburger August 30, 2012, 10:41 am
You have one of the only baby-in-profile pics I haven’t hated. That is such a cute picture!!!
niki August 30, 2012, 4:38 pm
Thank you! It’s my daughter hamming it up at her baptism. I’ve aged about 10 yrs since she was born, so I wasn’t about to use a picture of myself.
SuzyQ August 30, 2012, 10:42 am
“The other day I asked if her sister would cheat in Vegas, and she said “no, she is too much of a ‘pussy’.” That statement said a lot to me.”
It says move along and never look back.
AndreaMarie August 30, 2012, 10:46 am
Oh my goodness, where to begin. You both seem to have a few things off here. First of all, going to Vegas, for a bachelorette party, does not equal cheating. I recently went for one my my best friend’s. I’m 28 and my boyfriend is 10 years older, guess what, I didn’t cheat on him. Neither did any of the other women. And the condoms, penis shaped straws, lolipops, whatever, are all just part of the cheesy bachelorette party schtick. We went to a strip club with female dancers so I can’t comment on what the male dancers do or the cumming on the leg…which leads to my next point
Has she seriously been to Vegas 30 times?! I can’t imagine that someone would not only use all their vaca days but also all their vaca fund to hit Vegas 2+ times a year, that would be a problem. However, do you live within driving distance? That’s a different story. For example, I live in NJ and have been to Atlantic City countless times for the weekend. I can imagine that someone living equally close to Vegas would hit the clubs just as often.
But really, all of this is irrelevant to the bigger issue, that you have such little trust in our GF that you are considering hiring a PI to see if she’s cheating! Save your money, what’s a relationship without trust. If you don’t feel that she’s displayed honesty and fidelity and trust in the mere 7 months together, than just move on. And also, I think the whole PI thing is a little extreme for a 7 month relationship.
BriarRose August 30, 2012, 11:05 am
I grew up within driving distance of Vegas. When we were younger, but of gambling/drinking age, you could go as a group, share a cheap hotel room, and have a fun weekend without spending too much money. That being said, that was really only done a few times a year, probably from ages 21-25, when we all got older and wanted to actually go cool places when we went on vacation. The fact that she has gone 30 times in 14 years does seem like a lot to me. Especially if she is flying there from Manhattan (he said that’s where she visited the sex shop, so I guess that’s where they live?)…why not skip a few Vegas trips and go somewhere like Europe?
Like you said though….pretty much irrelevant, although it does seem to say a lot about her maturity. Just in case letting a guy c*m on her thigh didn’t tip us off.
AndreaMarie August 30, 2012, 12:20 pm
Oh I totally missed the Manhattan part…ok now his concerns sound a little less crazy to me. Flights are not cheap from NY to Vegas, especially if you are traveling over the weekend. Flying out 30 times is excessive
SpaceySteph August 30, 2012, 11:51 am
Yeah when I saw the title and the little blurb on the homepage my initial reaction was the same as your first paragraph. Vegas does not equal cheating. It can even be classy (not trashy), if you make it classy. I am going there in a couple months for my bachelorette party and we won’t be doing strippers, penis straws, or any of that bachelorette party crap.
You can cheat anywhere and you can be faithful anywhere, depending on who you are. If you don’t think she’ll be faithful in Vegas then you don’t (or shouldn’t) trust her no matter where she is. Concur with the 1000 MOAs.
6napkinburger August 30, 2012, 1:30 pm
Really interesting article in Psychology Today in July — a recent analysis of cheating suggests that it is very very very very very largely influenced by oppurtunity. That is, it isn’t that there is a static dicotomy of people — cheaters and non-cheaters; oppurutnity plays the largest factor in cheating, with both sexes. So the article goes — cheating does not necessarily mean there is “something missing in the relationship” as is the current wisdom.
I guess my point is, while its absurd to equate going to Vegas with cheating, it isn’t entirely true that a person who cheats would have done so regardless of circumstance.
SpaceySteph August 30, 2012, 7:46 pm
I guess my thinking is that somehow, somewhere the opportunity would arise. To think that his gf will cheat in Vegas and ONLY in Vegas is ridiculous. She will eventually be confronted with opportunities to cheat, with or without Vegas.
Also, I think that the existence of sites like Ashley Madison indicates that there are some people who are “cheaters” and will seek out cheating situations.
ele4phant August 30, 2012, 10:47 am
If you ever find yourself pondering the idea of hiring a private investigator to follow your significant other (of only seven months!), the answer is to save money and just MOA.
Either the problem lies with you, you are to insecure and not capable of being a decent partner until you work on that, or
The problem lies with your partner, and they blatantly don’t care about and respect you.
Either way, don’t be in that relationship.
BriarRose August 30, 2012, 10:59 am
What ever happened to being mature and having an in-person discussion with your SO before they go on a trip that has you slightly concerned? Asking what the general plans are, agreeing to things like “no touching!” (any Arrested Developlment fans out there?), etc. Plenty of women have that “rule” with their SO about strip clubs, so I don’t think it’s out of line for a guy to ask a woman to adhere to the same criteria in a strip club.
All that said, I don’t think this is a relationship worth saving. 7 months isn’t terribly long, there are no kids or committments…time to walk away and find someone you’re more compatible with who doesn’t inspire you to hire a PI.
Sheryl August 30, 2012, 11:00 am
If you feel the need to hire a private investigator 7 months in, MOA!!!! The only time a private investigator is acceptable is when you have already made your mind that the relationship is over, and need ammo for a divorce and/or child support. Otherwise, the person is shady enough to deserve a private investigator and such activity should not be tolerated in the first place (today’s letter), or the requestor is batpoop crazy with trust issues (yesterday’s letter).
As for the comments about what your gf plans to do/did in Vegas… ew.
Bossy Italian Wife August 30, 2012, 11:16 am
I don’t know what the big deal is about the bachelorette party; I don’t understand why you are so worked up over this whole thing. What I DO understand is that you don’t trust your girlfriend SO much that you are thinking about hiring a private investigator, and that is crazy!
The fact that your girlfriend made that comment to you about the c*m on the thigh thing is totally wack, but in reality, so is your flipped out attitude about her cheating in Vegas. If you can’t trust your girlfriend to go on a trip, then you just don’t trust her and you need to MOA.
sarolabelle August 30, 2012, 11:27 am
Seriously LW why can’t you ask your girlfriend if she is planning on cheating? Say you think your relationship is serious and that cheating would be the last thing from her mind.
Perhaps she has NO CLUE that y’all are serious!!!!!
LolaBeans August 30, 2012, 11:31 am
i went to vegas for a girls weekend beginning of august… let me tell you, the girls get noticed and they get everything for free. bottles, cabanas, food. its insane. i have a boyfriend of 4 years.. i didnt cheat on him, dance with other guys, let anyone touch me….
bethany August 30, 2012, 11:53 am
Same! When I went to Vegas, I had a great time, but the thought of cheating on my then boyfriend never occurred to me. Also, even if I wanted to, almost all the guys we met in Vegas were weird/dorky/looking to hook up with prostitutes.
FireStar August 30, 2012, 11:42 am
Seven years is along time to be with someone that you don’t trust. I think some of her comments are definitely red flags – but more importantly – so do you. Save your money. Skip the PI and let your girlfriend know you two aren’t on the same page regarding appropriate behaviour and now is the time for both of you to go your own way. I remember seeing an expert once say if you think you need a nanny cam then it is already too late – your intuition is already telling you something. I think the same is true here – if you are thinking about a PI – the damage is already done. Maybe invest some of that money in therapy to address some of your own insecurities that would allow you to stay so long in a situation that truly isn’t suited to you or your own value system.
Also we have an expression here of “that’s tight” meaning that something is rough or “too bad for them”. It’s slang. Maybe tight means something in the local dialect of the LW – I don’t think it is a big deal or changes the focus of what he was writing about.
It seems people are a little harsh on the LW for some reason. I think if the letter was from a female about her boyfriend wanting to take aim at someone’s thigh (or the equivalent) and disparaging someone who wouldn’t cheat – some of the comments would carry a different tone.
sarolabelle August 30, 2012, 11:49 am
It says 7 months….not years
FireStar August 30, 2012, 12:00 pm
oops my mistake – though any length of time is too long to be with someone you don’t trust.
landygirl August 30, 2012, 12:52 pm
landygirl August 30, 2012, 11:43 am
Upboat for Wendy’s reply.
Lindsay August 30, 2012, 11:51 am
Hiring a private investigator basically should never happen. If you have so little trust in someone that you feel you have to, you shouldn’t be with them (whether it stems from their behavior or your own inability to trust them). It’s not even a matter of whether she’s going to cheat. It sounds like the LW and his girlfriend have different ideas of fun. Bachelorette parties are a time when normal people do crazy things, but it sounds like she has a strong love for Vegas and strippers that the LW does not, in a way that makes him uncomfortable. Sounds like a personality mismatch.
stilgar666 August 30, 2012, 11:52 am
What sane adult likes going to Las Vegas that much, things their sister should cheat, and talks about other mens’ ejaculate?
…On the other hand, who tracks their girlfriend of seven months with a private investigator?
bagge72 August 30, 2012, 1:18 pm
Yeah I think people are crazy, and think the bachelor/bachelorette parties are any excuse to do anything. I told my best man to not invite my cousin, because he is one of those people who will try to get you to cheat, he has lots of stories of buying his friends BJ’s at the strip club at their bachelor parties. I didn’t even want to deal with that crap, I just wanted to have a fun relaxing time! Unfotunately two days later he called, and asked when the bachelor party was… that was awkward! We actually went to a strip club, because a lot of my married with kids friends wanted to go, and they handed me a bunch of ones, so I put them to better use, and paid the strippers to do things like call one of my friends fat, role down some old guys pant cuffs, and whack some of my other friends in the balls (sorry I was hammered for all of this). Then we got out of there, and went to a real bar.
Budj August 30, 2012, 1:21 pm
lol – i HAAATE going to strip clubs…I think the next time I’m in a group that ends up in one I will take your tactic. I’ll feel much less weird.
bagge72 August 30, 2012, 1:36 pm
haha yeah it worked out well, and it was pretty funny, because the guys that didn’t really want to be there hungout with me, and kept getting me ones to do more. I couldn’t tell you how much pressure I got to go from the married with kids friends though! It’s like they were going to burst into flames if we didn’t go there first!
But it was fun just talking to the strippers too who tried to come up, and get you for a lap dance. One girl was hi my name is Pixie, so I was like oh that’s nice is it Italian? and she walked away pretty pissed haha, but came back as soon as I pulled out some ones, and I got her to do a pretty nice cartwheel.
Kim August 30, 2012, 1:40 pm
At one of the bachelor parties my husband attended last year, he was giving retirement planning advice to some of the strippers.
bagge72 August 30, 2012, 1:52 pm
Haha that actually sounds pretty logical!
bagge72 August 30, 2012, 11:07 am
Yeah, I’m pretty sure she is going to cheat on you, she sounds like the classic what happens in vegas stays in vegas.. unless you are talking to your SO. She sounds like some guy friends I have that go to vegas a lot, to party and get laid, and hardly ever gamble.
bittergaymark August 30, 2012, 2:02 pm
Eh, I’m not sure I buy this letter. Actually, its all VERY plausible except for the whole thing about strip club guys cumming on her thighs. Huh? Seriously, is this REALLY a thing? Is this even possible? Now, admittedly, I would never set foot in a hetero-strip club — too many mantails and bad Patrick Swayze dance moves… But in the gay world, seemingly every other bar offers up gogo boys who will grind away at you until your money runs out — hey, it’s often fun to partake as they are all super hot and often super straight… but I’ve yet to experience one of these hotties cumming on my thigh. (The sad reality is, and I’m sure many a sexworker will tell this to you, they just usually aren’t even remotely turned on.) Moreover, I’ve never heard anybody tell me such a tale — and trust me, that tale would SO be told. Over and over. Why, it’d be legendary. And no, I’ve never randomly seen such a thing. Ever.
And getting graphic — there are definitely far more gay men who might be into this than straight women I should think. (Not many, mind you, but hey, some gay guys are pretty out there and have a sperm fetish.) And I’ve just seriously set the gay rights cause back five years with that statement. Oh, well…
So, this leaves me two options. ONE — the entire letter is bogus. (Which I am admittedly leaning to, it’s all so dramatic, Vegas! Condoms! Private Dicks! Public Dicks shooting…(wait for it) S-P-E-R-M!! If ever there was a bogus letter designed to get its writer off simply by seeing it in print, THIS! IS! IT!… Or TWO — that this girl in question is just a total douchebaggette and is LYING like all get out about this to simply get a rise out of the LW. Hmmm, that is ACTUALLY highly, highly plausible. And so LW, if you exist and if you are real… By all means hire ME to go spy on your harlot GF. (God knows I could use the work after a dreary week of painting the walls of the house of a HOARDER… ugh…) Wendy can put you in contact with me — and a gay man would have a much better shot at successfully shadowing women at a bachelorette party… Plus, I could pen a whole magazine article about it, too. 😉 (No names, LW. No names…)
rachel August 30, 2012, 2:08 pm
I like this plan. LW you should take him up on it!
theattack August 30, 2012, 2:12 pm
I just assumed that the gf was making a joke about a stripper cumming on her leg. Otherwise, why would she have said anything to him about it? I think she’s pushing her joking too far and he completely missed it.
bittergaymark August 30, 2012, 2:19 pm
Could be. But that one detail is just OFF… I suppose your scenario dovetails nicely with my second theory. Hmmmm, maybe that is it…
theattack August 30, 2012, 2:35 pm
Maybe so. I’m just the type of person that when my mom used to ask where I was going as a teenager, I told her I was going to get wasted and smoke a ton of pot as a joke. Sometimes I make jokes to my fiance about my “other boyfriend.” On the rare occasion that he goes to a strip club, I ask him if he wore a condom at the after-party orgy, and he tells me no, and we laugh about it. I just assume other people make the same ridiculous statements. It’s just that not everyone can really follow that sort of humor, and it can cause problems like this when they don’t. I bet if this girlfriend found out he was actually concerned about this she would laugh hysterically.
bethany August 30, 2012, 3:12 pm
Good point- My friends and I will make those sort of jokes, too… However, he’s been dating this girl for 7 months, shouldn’t he be aware of the type of sense of humor she has by now, and be able to tell when she’s just joking around?
theattack August 30, 2012, 3:16 pm
Maybe so, but every once in a while I throw my fiance off with a joke, and we’ve known each other for almost ten years. It’s possible that one could slip through this guy’s radar too, but perhaps I’m reaching too far. He definitely needs to think about whether or not her statement was serious though.
Fabelle August 30, 2012, 3:30 pm
If he’s been questioning her in an overly paranoid way (which, since he’s about to hire a P.I., seems entirely possible) then I could see her throwing an exasperated joke or two his way. “For god’s sake, you know what, yeah! I’m gonna grind allll up on those male strippers! I’m gonna go down on one while giving two others simultaneous hand jobs!! OKAY??”
theattack August 30, 2012, 4:46 pm
Very good point!
MMcG August 30, 2012, 2:25 pm
I’m so in favor of equal opportunity name-calling, and if what this LW wrote about was even half true it seems pretty appropriate. It’s just not funny at all to call your sister a pussy because she’s faithful, or wants to try and remain so.
LW: thinking about or needing a private investigator prior to being married = red flag, instincts are saying something, MOA and next time try to find someone who has at least heard of the term classy 🙂
fast eddie August 30, 2012, 8:27 pm
Thank heaven for BGM to put a suspicious perspective on this. That’s what we love about him.
The tone of the letter brought back some very unpleasant memories to me. Long ago I dated a “Venus” that walked all over me even so then the LW described, so I’m willing to give him credibility. The lack of self respect, reaching for the stars and putting up with anything and everything all belonged to me and ultimately drove me to celibacy for 7 long and lonely years. It’s dam hard to turn down what you want to have and hold from this day forth but that time passes. The very idea of hitting Vegas with that group as he described is DefCon V. The relationship is doomed as of now unless he’s willing to stay under her heel for the foreseeable future. At the absolute minimum get a prenuptial agreement written by a lawyer that’s committed to your best interests. Present it as you feel best and DO NOT NEGOTIATE any detail. If she won’t sign it, get your house key back and send her away.