It’s time again for Shortcuts. For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss a feminists’ worry that her love of submission may be promoting misogyny, whether or not to register for wedding gifts if you’re eloping, and when it’s too late to call off a wedding (hint: it’s never too late until the license has been signed and sealed).
Sexual fantasies are just that — fantasies; they rarely bleed into reality. Men who fantasize or get off on dominating women are about as likely to hate them as you are to hate yourself for enjoying submission. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be careful — inviting strange men from the internet into your bedroom, regardless of what roles you play behind closed doors, is an invitation for danger, so please, please use common sense and all the safety precautions you can think of.
Yes, make a registry, but don’t go broadcasting it (tacky). When you send out wedding announcements or host a small after-party (if you have any plans to do that), you can appoint your mother as the person to spread the word to family about the registry. Or, if people are interested, they’ll just come out and ask if you’re registered and you can give them the info then.
My fiancé is obsessed with this friend and is unreasonably jealous of him, to the point that he hates him. On top of this, my fiancé confides in his ex about personal matters to such an extent that I feel it is an invasion of our privacy. Even though I am friends with an ex, I don’t involve him in personal details about my relationship. I told my fiancé I wasn’t happy about this and he insinuated he couldn’t talk to me and blamed me and my friendship with my friend. I was upset and angry so I asked him to leave. He threw some wedding gifts and supplies in the garbage and then threatened to kill my friend as he drove off in a rage. I finally found him some hours later in his car listening to music and trying to sleep.
This is not the first time he has behaved like this. His father has cancer and I think this is having a big affect on him though he doesn’t talk to me about this and seems to have difficulty talking to me about anything personal nowadays. And because of all this, I just don’t think I can marry him, but we have paid for the whole wedding and have 60 guests attending, mostly on my side, so I just feel really, really low and confused about what to do. I hope you can help! — Second Thoughts
Cancelling a wedding is a LOT cheaper than getting a divorce. Do NOT marry this guy if you aren’t 100% sure you’re making the right decision — and obviously you aren’t (and for many good reasons!). This isn’t a decision that’s as easily reversible as returning a pair of ill-fitting shoes to the store…
*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at email@example.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.