“It’s Been Eight Years and I Still Haven’t Met My Husband’s Daughter”


I have been with my husband for eight years and married for 2 1/2. Before he met me, he was dealing with a woman who was pregnant with his child. I did not find out about her until four years ago, after we’d been dating four years. We talked about it and I accepted it and forgave him for keeping the secret from me for so long.

Now, four years later, I still haven’t met his daughter. We have a son together and I would like for my son to meet his sister, but my husband said that now is not a good time. He doesn’t want to stress his daughter out and he doesn’t want any problems with her mother. But I’m not someone he just met! I’m his wife and partner of eight years.

He says he picks his daughter up from school and drops her off at home two days out of the week and I don’t have to worry. I told him I’m not worried; I just believe that, if we are a family, then there should be no secrets. I don’t want to believe he’s still involved with his daughter’s mother, but he makes me feel that way, and my uncertainty sometimes causes conflict between us. — More Than His Baby Mama

Well, now I’ve got one more topic to add to my list of things every couple should discuss before getting married — or at least an addendum to discussion topic #2: children. Under that category, I suggest discussing whether you want kids, how many you want, what forms of birth control you’ll use (if any), and what options you’ll try if you want children and can’t conceive naturally within an agreed-upon time. All good advice if I do say so myself, but I guess I need to add: “If either of you already has kids and are in the kids’ lives, for fuck’s sake, introduce them to your significant other before tying the knot. And if you are engaged to someone you know has a child, don’t get married if you don’t know why you haven’t met the child yet.” Because seriously, that’s some shady-ass business right there.

But we’re beyond that now. You knew your husband had a child and yet, apparently without details about their relationship, or his involvement in his kid’s life (or lack of involvement as the case may be), or his relationship with the child’s mother, or how he planned to integrate his child in your life together and potential future family, you married him anyway. And now you have a husband who disappears at least two afternoons a week to supposedly pick up this mystery daughter from school and take her home… to a woman your husband was once involved with — a woman you don’t know and have never met. No shit your uncertainty is causing some conflict between you.

You are HIS WIFE. You need to know about this very major part of his life. You need to know his daughter and her mother and why on earth he hasn’t made any attempt to integrate them into your life together. Is he romantically involved with his ex? Maybe! Do they have additional children you don’t know about? Possibly! Does he have other kids with other women? Who knows! Is he really seeing his daughter two afternoons a week or is he up to something else he doesn’t want you to know about? Hmm. Anything is possible when we’re talking about a man who could keep his daughter’s existence a secret from you for four years and her identity a mystery to your for eight. Anything is possible.

You say you aren’t worried, but you should be. You’re married to a man whose whereabouts are a mystery to you. You’re married to a man who doesn’t think it’s important for you to know his daughter — a daughter whose life he says he is at least moderately involved in. You’re married to a man who has no interest in introducing his kids to each other. And you don’t have any idea why that’s the case? Woman, get worried, because that’s shady.

If I were you, I would absolutely insist that by the end of the month, he organize a meeting between you and his daughter. Once you have met her, the three adults — you, your husband, and his daughter’s mother — should discuss a good time for them to meet each other. If your husband refuses to do this, I would contact his ex directly and work it out with her. But be prepared to find out some information that may surprise you. A man doesn’t keep a part of his family a secret from his partner for eight years just because “it isn’t a good time.” There’s a reason you’ve been kept in the dark, and there’s a good chance that reason may turn your world upside down.


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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com.


  1. WWS.

    This is shady as fuck, and IF this story is true, how sad for the daughter that the only interaction she has with her father is getting picked up from school twice a week. And what does it say about your husband that that is the only time he wants to spend with his own child?

    You need to get to the bottom of this ASAP.

  2. Shady as fuck is right. I can’t even believe this letter! And I REALLY can’t wait for an update.

  3. I really doubt that this letter is real. If a sane person finds out 4 years into their relationship that their partner has a secret child, wouldn’t that person insist that they meet this child before continuing in the relationship with their partner? And the LW supposedly accepted this and then proceeded to marry this guy? It doesn’t make any sense. This letter is fake

    1. I don’t think the letter is fake. People do things far more reckless than this all the time.

      1. More to the point, why would Wendy fake a letter like this? Why would ANYONE fake a letter like this? It seems to me that most fake letters are written by someone on the other side of the issue. For instance, Ask Amy (I think) had a letter recently written by “a mother of a gay teen” that was almost certainly written by her kid, trying to prove how ridiculous his mom was being.

        This isn’t a letter that anyone’s getting anything out of. (Or worse, getting off on.) There’s no reason this would be a fake letter. People are unbelievably stupid or naive all the time.

    2. “If a sane person…”
      Famous last words for a DW reader 😉

      1. Bittergaymark says:

        Word! There have been — what? Maybe nine sane LWs to DW in its ENTIRE history…

      2. I want to hear who you think the sane ones were.

      3. Bittergaymark says:

        Hmmmmm. Okay, well, one would be the lesbian a few weeks back who was upset that her self absorbed girlfriend wanted to all-but-completely BAIL on the LW’s friends’ California wedding weekend. Damn near EVERYBODY here projected their own fucked up issues onto this poor LW and somehow almost unanimously branded her a controlling utter asshole boyfriend…

        Gee… come to think of it, there aren’t exactly THAT many sane commentators here either. 😉

      4. FancyPants says:

        Genuine non-snarky question here, BGM – why do you stick around reading then if you have such disdain for all of the LWs and most of the commenters? I’m curious.

    3. Haha you guys are right. I am mega-pregnant and was in a weird mood when I read this letter, and so it just did not compute for me. Actually, I still don’t understand how a person could be in this situation. LW, I’m sorry, please listen to everyone else.

  4. I never advocate that people contact their partner’s ex behind their back, but in this case I do. If he doesn’t introduce you pronto, you need to call this woman and figure out what the hell is going on.
    Please people, never marry someone without meeting their child first. And don’t stay married to someone who refuses to introduce you, once you’ve made that first mistake.
    I really hope we get an update on this one.

  5. I can’t believe somebody would marry somebody, and have kids with them, knowing how little they must care for their other kid since the only see their kid twice a week, and that is to and from school. There is some really shady shit going on here, but who cares you already went and blindly married some guy that lied to you one of the biggest lies ever for 4 years. Good luck with him and his other girlfriends/wives.

  6. kerrycontrary says:

    Yup. This is weird. I would contact the other woman. My prediction is that the other woman doesn’t know that he’s married/has another child. And that his daughter doesn’t know she has a brother or that her dad is married. OR, he has a secret second family and says he works/travels a lot. That’s a possibility. Has anyone seen Eulogy? Exactly like that.

  7. Avatar photo the_optimist says:

    This is bananas. LW, if I were you I’d try to contact the other woman if your husband doesn’t come clean immediately. He hasn’t been honest with you for FOUR years, so what’s to say he’ll start now? So sketchy.

    1. Lemongrass says:

      Thanks for getting Gwen stefani stuck in my head.

      1. Avatar photo the_optimist says:


  8. Seriously. Tell youir husband you want to meet the kid and the ex. NOW. If that doesn’t happen, contact a divorce lawyer. This guy is lying all over the place and there is no good reason for it. The most likely scenario I can think of is that he has a second family and they don’t know about you either. If he lies to one woman, he can lie to another. What else is he hiding?

    1. escapehatches says:

      Or… WHO else is he hiding?


  9. Painted_lady says:

    No. No, no, no.

    It sounds like your husband is making you feel like you’re crazy for wanting to meet his daughter. I assure you, you are not, and I assure you, if he’s manipulated you into feeling crazy for wanting this very basic thing, there is something really unsavory happening. He kept the former relationship and the child herself from you for four years. Why is it so many people assume that people who keep huge secrets like this will come clean the moment they’re called on it? People who keep secrets are people who keep secrets, and many of them do it because they like the control, and some of them really get off on the idea of deception. And so not only is it likely you won’t know about some really major aspects of their lives, it is likely that they are also treating you, or some aspect of your relationship, as a secret.

    I’m not saying that we should let partners know about every single aspect of our lives. Walter knows a lot about me, but there are certain things I haven’t told him for various reasons, but none of those things factor into my life today, and they don’t affect our relationship. But he knows about my major relationships (friends, family, etc) because I want him to be part of my life. Anyone who wants to compartmentalize the person they supposedly share their life with, has some major issues.

    1. Painted_lady says:

      Also, can I just say, one of the WTF-ier parts of this letter was that the husband said now isn’t a good time to meet the daughter and ex. I mean, it hasn’t been a good time for more than three years, if I’m doing the math right. If there’s not a good time in three in a half years, he better be the secret baby daddy of one of the Obama kids or something.

  10. iseeshiny says:

    Yeah, that photo is pretty much perfect for this letter. Like, really. What the actual fuck?

    In other news, I don’t have to go to work today because of the snow, which is awesome. But I also had a doctor’s appointment scheduled for today which has been cancelled and I really, really wanted to go. Because I am pretty sure I’m pregnant and would like to be sure it’s not ectopic and that it’s ok to get excited, because every time I think “Gonna have a baby!” I keep amending it in my head with, “Well, hopefully.” I do not do well with suspense. Or keeping secrets.

    1. Avatar photo theattack says:

      Omgggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope everything goes well when you get to your doctor’s appointment. So exciting!!

    2. You were the anon person that mentioned it before, right? I hope you can get your appointment rescheduled soon, and hopefully get some good news!

    3. Painted_lady says:

      That’s so exciting for you!!!! Hope you find out for sure soon!!!

    4. Lemongrass says:

      Congrats!!! So exciting 🙂 if you have questions about anything that you don’t want to ask people irl, make a forum post because I can talk about this all day long.

    5. iseeshiny says:

      Thank you thank you thank you! Yes, it was me. I was trying to keep a lid on it until twelve weeks but I felt like I was going to explode. Lemongrass, I might take you up on that – I’ve been fear-googling pretty much every time something out of the ordinary happens.

      1. Lemongrass says:

        Don’t do that! Pretty much don’t google anything.

      2. Lemongrass says:

        Also don’t expect your sentences to make sense.

      3. I just want to second the vote to keep off the internet! Some of the blogs are a circle of pregnancy scariness… maybe pick 1 that is reputable and you trust and stop there. Same thing with books/magazines. Maybe it’s just me but I find pregnancy to be more on the side of ignorance is bliss than the more you know (not that you shouldn’t be prepared, but that there is a balance and only so much you can really control anyway).

        Good luck 🙂

  11. For a minute I thought this was facepalm Friday and got excited for the weekend… damn.

    1. The actual sequence of thoughts in my head while reading this letter…

      Wait, who?
      Wait, how!?!
      What the Fuck!?!
      Oh the Humanity… WHY????????????

  12. Avatar photo theattack says:

    Wtf. I don’t even know what else to say. If he doesn’t let you meet his freaking child, you need to walk. What the actual fuck.

    So now I’ll talk about me and say that my new job search isn’t going well, and I haven’t applied for a single job because I haven’t seen a single thing posted during the holidays. Today I came into work despite this horrible weather, and I’ve been yelled at all morning over urgent issues, but this level of stress over something I don’t even care about kind of makes me freeze up, so now I’m just not dealing with the problem right now. I want a career change, but there seems to be something wrong with everything I think of. I don’t know what I want with my life at all, and it’s so overwhelming because there’s a sense of urgency to figure that out so I can quit this hell job. I wish I had a skill I could market so I could stay afloat in between figuring it out.

    1. Avatar photo theattack says:

      Okay, maybe I do have something else to say. You need to leave regardless. Anyone who is even capable as a person of hiding something this big is not marriage material. That’s scary as hell. What’s he going to hide next? Terrorist activity? An STD? Prior history of abuse? A big business scandal that’s going to ruin your future? Those are big jumps, yes, but this level of deception speaks to his character, and it’s not looking good.

      1. That’s what I was thinking! Sure, I’d love for LW to get to the bottom of the shady-ass turn-your-world-upside-down secret (for her sake, totally not just to satisfy my own curiosity, /s), but he’s already done enough to warrant a divorce. I can’t imagine that other aspects of the relationship are perfectly rosy…

        (*Of course, LW willingly entered a shady union, but she can decide enough is enough and take it back now!)

      2. Avatar photo theattack says:

        For real. She needs to follow him and find out anyway, if for no other reason than to have all the information so that once she’s divorced, her crazy story is more interesting. There is nothing he can do at this point that can fix this though. Meeting the kid won’t fix the fact that she’s married to a lunatic.

      3. I’m going to vote murder conviction.

      4. Bigamy.

    2. been there says:

      There’s likely a career counselor in your area who could consult with you on that. I highly recommend finding one. Additionally, if things become untenable, a temp agency isn’t the worst thing, either. Most people I know who were jobless in my industry got hired off temp work. Good luck!

    3. Lemongrass says:

      I know that sense of urgency you are talking about. Know that the one thing that you are in control of is that. It is okay to take your time, to take time to yourself, to enjoy other parts of your life and to lean on your husband. Try to focus on other things and make your job search just a part of your life instead of the #1 thing in your life right now because it isn’t making you happy. Or don’t listen to a word I have to say because I haven’t worked (for someone else) in a year and a half.

      1. Avatar photo theattack says:

        That’s true, lemon. I do need to chill out about it. The sense of urgency mostly comes from the feeling that I’m going to puke every morning coming to my job plus the stuff that happens here. I think there is a real time limit on my stay here, but I do need to try to enjoy life outside of that panic.

      2. Lemongrass says:

        I get that way too. Right now I’m freaking out because we want to have another baby but I want to hopefully lose more weight before I get pregnant and we want to move so I am manically packing and stressed out so I want to eat and blah blah blah. Next thing I know I’ve jumped down the rabbit hole and my husband is looking at me like ‘wtf just happened?’ So taking a step back and taking some moments to myself is good advice for me too.

    4. I can never pass up the opportunity to give career advice!

      1) You can make it. I believe in you. As someone in an extremely stressful job too — just breathe deep. I know that frozen-up feeling. Just push yourself to do one thing — just check ONE thing off your to-do list, and it will start to ease up. Pick something small and very simple to start with, even if it’s just a step in a longer process. And then write it down, and draw a strike through it, and pat yourself on the back. You’re going to make it.

      2) Every job has SOMETHING wrong with it. Don’t kill yourself looking for a job that’s perfect. Jobs are like people. You know those LWers looking for the perfect man that we all yell at for being unrealistic? Don’t be that LW with your job search. Make a list of your absolute deal breakers. If a job listing has something that you’re not crazy about, but isn’t a deal breaker, apply.

      3) Don’t just wish you had an additional skill. Learn one. Start learning Spanish. Pick up a computer coding language (HTML is not hard to learn — I still use it all the time and I’m a manager!). Take a community college class in statistics or accounting. There are tons of free learning resources available online, too. MIT and many other colleges are even offering entire courses for FREE. Choose the skill that you think you’d need to get into the job you want…and just learn it. It’s as simple as that.

      1. Also, making a list of your personal job deal breakers (and maybe a separate list of what you’re looking for in a job) will help you avoid the trap of taking another job just because you’re desperate to get out of your current one. It’s too easy to get trapped in a cycle of bad jobs if you jump too quickly on one job with a bad smell just because all you can think about is getting out of your current job. If you’re struggling to identify just what kind of position you want, make a list of the traits the position and company should have that you’d like. For example:

        Leadership role/management
        Flexible Schedule/telecommuting-friendly
        Hands-on work

        or whatever’s important to you.

      2. Avatar photo the_optimist says:

        @Banana, I love you. I was just about to post a freak-out in the forums about having no idea of what to do with myself (and still might post such a thing), and then I saw this. @theattack, I SO feel your pain! Stay strong, we can do it!

      3. Aw shucks, thanks!

      4. Avatar photo theattack says:

        You’re so right. I need more lists. But with all the thoughts in my head, I need more like a huge web of lists. Let me just use this opportunity to once again use DW as my own personal journal. It goes like this:

        Most of the jobs I’m qualified for are completely out of the question, I’m finding out after having the stupid degree. I’m currently looking for jobs that I’m qualified for though (because what else would I do?), so that I could maybe give something else in my field another shot. I think I’m not very well suited to a people-oriented job, even though all the theory behind it is awesome. Maybe I could do research in my field, but then I would have to get a freaking PhD probably. I got into my field because of the statistics and the research and the macro issues, but I can’t do any of that with my degree. In order to do what I actually like in my field, I need more (expensive) education, and who’s to say I’ll like that?

        My ideal job in dream world would be outside in nature. Should I go back to school and get a biology degree so I can be a wildlife officer? That would be awesome, but do I really want to acquire more loans for a career that puts me in location-specific jobs? I don’t know how many ways there are to use a biology degree. Even if I got a wildlife job, I would have to work weekends. 9-5 hours would be nice. Maybe biology research? Then there’s the graduate degree problem again.

        Being a detective would be cool, but I would have to work patrol for years first, and police departments are so freaking sexist in my area I don’t think I could deal with it professionally.

        I think I need something more facts-focused rather than having to conjure up people skills I don’t have. I just don’t know how many of those jobs there are. I really want:
        – week days only because P works during the week, and we like to go places.
        – preferably daytime hours
        – full time
        – can’t be unaffordable to get there, so more education scares me
        – drama-free as much as possible
        – something intellectually stimulating
        – preferably flexible on location within our state, because P’s jobs will always be more high-paying than mine

      5. Woah. That is…a lot. A few things:

        Lists are great for decision-making, until you have too many lists. Then they just become second-guessing and rationalizing machines. The list-making does not — SHOULD NOT — be that complicated. These are really the lists you need to make:

        What I’m Looking for in a Job
        (location, company size, management level, compensation, commute, etc in addition to the type of work)

        Deal Breakers
        (don’t let this list get too long. Remember the LWs who break their hearts looking for the perfect man.)

        My Current Qualifications
        (make a list of ANYTHING and everything you could describe as a skill or qualification in a job interview)

        My Desired Qualifications
        (what do you want to learn, to advance your career? with each item, make a note about HOW you could go about learning this, cheaply and in the near future — so no “I should rush off for another degree,” but more along the lines of “I could take this computer class, or that language class.”)

        Just those four. Just make those four. And these four do not have to DETERMINE YOUR ENTIRE FUTURE OMG. They can — will — should change as you gain more experience. You’ll learn more things about what you want in a job — some items might drop off your list, others might crop up. I never thought I’d ever want to be a boss and now it’s one of my favorite parts of my job — being able to nurture, educate, and help my employees advance. Same with your deal breakers. You’re more likely to add some, but you might be surprised by the ones that disappear from the list over time, as well. I have tons of friends who have only ever worked at non-profits who thought they never wanted to work at a for-profit company, but then they wound up not minding so much.

        So stop seeing this as a hyperventilating, must make all decisions about your ENTIRE FUTURE RIGHT NOW IN THIS SINGLE JOB TRANSITION situation. You are changing jobs. Just one job. It’s a step. You’re not going to like everything about your next job, whatever it is. You’re going to be surprised by some of the things you DO like. You’re going to use the whole experience to get a better idea of what you want to do. You don’t need to map out your entire future this instant. You just need to find a new job that will help you figure these things out.

  13. To me, the fact he sees his daughter multiple times a week is the worst part (in terms of the wife’s potential future surprises – it’s great for his daughter that he’s involved in her life, as long as that involvement isn’t just a five minute car ride twice a week so he can screw her mother). My guess is that his daughter’s mother is less than fully aware of his marriage, and I suspect that she’d be just as surprised to hear from the wife. The wife should consider following him, or using something like “Find my iPhone” or the similar “Android Device Manager” to track him… if he really does go from the school to somewhere and leave a minute later, then it’s likely not so bad. My guess is he stays there quite a while.

    1. I was thinking she should follow him, too. Normally I’d never suggest going that far, but this guy has got to be hiding SOMETHING.

    2. starpattern says:

      Yes, you know, I think it’s going to have to come to this. If the husband isn’t willing to be open after this long, I doubt it will magically happen now. I think LW needs to do her own investigating, if only to get closure on this issue so she can move on.

  14. This whole thing would be definitively less weird if he didn’t see the daughter either. But he sees her multiple times a week? How has that gone on for so many years without you in the picture?

    Personally, this wouldn’t be something I could deal with. I’m either a full partner or not, and not knowing my partners daughter and the daughters mother is in the “not a full partner” category.

    1. lets_be_honest says:

      I knew a family like this. He left the first wife and son for the new wife, they had a kid and the kids didn’t know about each other because the first wife refused to tell her son about it all. Cah razy.
      Anyway I’ve always wondered if Lil’s biological father ever told his gfs about her.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Also do you know the rest of his family? Like siblings, parents? Do they know about this kid?

      2. Well, whether he does or not, I’ll bet it’s not too weird for them in that respect. He doesn’t see her, his girlfriends or wifes or whatever dont see her, that’s pretty transparent to me.

        Good call on the rest of the husbands family! LW, who can you ask about this? Family members, friends maybe… Coworkers?

  15. Someone hiding something has something to hide.

  16. I wonder if this guy wears a wedding ring, or if he has a “reason” not too wear it? I also wonder the actual age of his daughter with the other women, like maybe she is not as old as he is saying, and he made up her age to make it seem like it happened right before he got together with the letter writer.

    1. Oooh I vote for this one. It makes so much sense that he’d wanna keep his wife away if the daughter is younger than what he originally said.
      Of course, I feel like no matter what the truth turns out to be, it will not be something the LW wants to hear :/

    2. This is totally what I was going to post. I bet the daughter is younger than he says, and that’s how he was able to hide it for years…because she didn’t exist but was actually conceived while shadester was with the LW. And then he came up with this half-assed plan to hide the daughter until….he probably doesn’t know.

  17. Wasn’t there a DW reader that commented once that she was part of a 2nd secret family her father had off on the side?

  18. Bittergaymark says:

    I am just so very glad that fewer and fewer women are JUST desperate to get married these days. That fewer and fewer marry first… only to then ask tough questions later. Yes, letters like these give me hope not just for young women today — but truly for all mankind.

      1. Bittergaymark says:

        Waiting longer, sure. But somehow still ACTING like idiots. Exhibit A. Case study #1. This LW who took eight long, unquestioning years to marry this joker. 😉

  19. I can’t really DW (it’s a verb!) from this new job, so all I will say is: WTF indeed, A+ on that accompanying photo..

  20. I can’t even wrap my head around this situation this morning. Monday’s are hard. This is so weird. How does this happen? “Oh, you have another kid with an ex that you regularly see and that I haven’t met? NBD, let’s get hitched!” There is no legitimate reason that this guy is keeping you from meeting his daughter, LW, not after this long, and not even to keep the peace with his “ex.” There are lots of bad reasons he’d do it, though:

    1. He’s married to the other woman (this seems less likely if the husband spends the rest of his time with the LW, but I’m not assuming anything at this point).
    2. He’s screwing the other woman.
    3. The other woman has no idea you exist and he can’t introduce to you to the child because then the secret is out.
    4. He has more children with the other woman and those children are younger than the one you know about.

    Actually, I suppose none of these are mutually exclusive. So, yeah, LW, this is a bad situation, but you need to find out the truth so that you can make the right decisions for yourself and your child. Do it today.

  21. sophronisba says:

    Yeah, are you sure you’re legally married? Does your husband have any family or friends at all, people who would know anything about this woman and this child? If it were me, I’d google extensively or roll around to the county courthouse or maybe hire a private detective to get some independent corroboration for the things Mr. Mysterio says..

  22. I can’t help but wonder if LW has had some confirmation by now? Like photos, Facebook accounts, etc. It’s hard to believe that she is 100% in the dark here. Although that may be the case.

    P.S. Wendy, I know you can’t control the ads we see but lately, whenever I come on here, the top right video spot is showing me VERY SEXUAL cartoons (i.e. scantily clad women). It’s hard to read the posts when boobs are bouncing on the screen. I am a hetero woman but boobs are boobs. It’s hard not to look and its distracting. hahaha It’s for “League of Angels” or something like that. Not sure if you are able to pull it down.

    1. Yes ! This add ! So distracting !

    2. I’ve seen that ad recently, too. It’s through Google Adsense. Let me try to adjust my setting and ban ads that show bouncing boobs.

      1. Ok, I adjusted my settings, but if the ad continues to pop up for anyone, please let me know and if you can name the actual advertiser that would help a bunch (much easier to ban specific ads/advertisers than entire categories…). Thanks!

      2. Thanks Wendy!!!!!

      3. Thanks Wendy! I’m seeing all of the sports ads ever now, but still way better than bouncing boobs at work.

  23. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

    You guys are being dramatic. This guy seems legit.

    1. Avatar photo iwannatalktosampson says:

      On a serious note though – how does it even get this bad? Like how – in 8 years – have you never been like you know what? I’m not going down like this. We’re in this together or we’re not together at all. How – in any way shape or form – can you delude yourself so much to think this is normal or okay. I just don’t get it. I recommend you start therapy 8 years ago.

      1. Bittergaymark says:

        keep feeling
        passion burning
        love’s so blind

        — sung to a song by Human League. Bonus points to anybody who knows which one.

      2. Keep feeling fascination… I would continue with the lyrics but my damn work computer blocks me from the websites I need to reference because they are “entertainment”

      3. But you can DW still? Well, that’s better than nothing.

      4. Bittergaymark says:

        BRAVO! Yay, MMcG!!

        I didn’t change them up much. The real lyrics are:

        keep feeling
        passion burning
        love so strong

      5. Yeah me!!!!

  24. I have a new theory: WHAT IF the other woman is married and trying to pass off this child as her husband’s? And he picks her up from school, not as her “dad” but just…some guy who picks her up from school?…because he wants to see her in some capacity. I hope he’s had a DNA test at least.

    1. Avatar photo theattack says:

      That’s possible, but then why wouldn’t he have told the LW that? He could have explained that and then just allowed her to be in the car when he picked the kid up or something.

      1. Oh, for sure. I’m just trying to guess the secret, haha.

      2. I mean… it’s driving me nuts not knowing! HOW has this LW gone 4 years like this when I can’t even handle an hour not knowing and I’m not invested in any way whatsoever??

      3. Avatar photo theattack says:

        haha fair enough. There’s no reason for me to try to logic my way through it because I’m not even on this guy’s level either way.

        LW, you HAVE to give us an update on this!

    2. Because a kid can keep a secret like that?

  25. So I’ve got three scenarios:

    1. The mother of the child doesn’t want her child to have any contact with his “other” family. This frankly would only make sense if you were a girlfriend who she didn’t think would be in his life long term and therefore isn’t appropriate to introduce to his child. You are however the wife and mother of his child so that makes no sense.

    2. She has no idea you exist and he’s spun her some story about traveling for work and long hours to balance the two relationships

    3. This daughter is in fact younger than he says and was therefore conceived while he was allegedly exclusive with you.

    My money is on number 3. I actually know a woman who went through something like number 3. The “other woman” broke up with the husband when she found out he was married, and they shared custody. The woman did stay with her husband for the sake of her own children, but the marriage finally ended about 15 years after all this went down because he didn’t stop being a scumbag.

    But regardless of the scenario, this guy is shady. I think for the sake of your sanity you need to get to the bottom of this. And then you need to leave.

    1. findingtheearth says:

      I had a friend in high school who’s father had a whole second family. His job required him to travel and stay in another community 3-4 nights a week. He had other children over there, a girlfriend, etc. He kept it up for almost 5 years. The only reason the truth came out is my friend’s mother got suspicious about some bank transactions and started digging through their records.

      1. lets_be_honest says:

        Stories like that blow my mind. I knew of a family like that who only found out when the father died and 2 families came to the funeral! Can you imagine?

      2. Come on, that was a movie you saw! That cannot be real life.

      3. lets_be_honest says:

        Nope. I swear! (I didn’t know them personally, but Peter did)

  26. findingtheearth says:

    Shady shady shady.

    I really cannot comprehend how you married him with this big huge secret. It’s not like the child lives in another country or something.

    I would give him 1 chance to introduce you to the child and the child’s mother. When that does not happen – call the mother herself.


  27. This one is screaming for a follow-up post.

  28. Hire a private investigator stat. And possibly consult a lawyer just in case. I feel like this isn’t going to end well.

  29. AndreaMarie says:

    Do you even know this child actually exists? Do you know how much he contributes in child support each month? Does he share with you any gifts etc he sends to this child? Has he supported any health care costs? And after 8 years he hasn’t spent a single holiday with her?

  30. Breezy AM says:

    This is one of the few times when it’s entirely appropriate to throw a complete and total psycho bitch fit.

    He either fixes this shit right the fuck now or he moves right the fuck out. Be nuts. Scream. Yell. Throw some shit. This is right the fuck out of order and he has created this disaster. You tell him he fixes this shit or you are calling his mama and Maury. Dafuq. How have you let it go on this long?! How the fuck you marry this dude?! Damn.

  31. This is just a side issue in this whole mess, but I have to wonder why LW’s focus is on her son being able to meet his half sister. The most important thing at the moment is for LW to meet the mother of her husband’s kid. The children should only be involved once that first meeting has gone well. Because if they’re not going to get along well or some kind of secret is revealed, the children will likely not get to have a relationship with each other anyway.

  32. Claudia E. says:

    I don’t know his reasons for not introducing them but can share a similar story. My ex-husband married his affair partner shortly after our divorce, who he spent a lot of money on while I struggled for the basics for me and our kids. He took all our money (including the kids’ savings) to date her and then buy her a massive diamond wedding ring. He didn’t pay child support but spends a lot of time and money on her kids from a previous marriage. I don’t know if she knows the extent of his neglect, but she is well aware that he is uninvolved with his kids and that she was starting a relationship with a married father. She met our now-adult son this past November, five years into their relationship, and has seen him once since then. She hasn’t met our daughter, nor has she tried to, but in public talks about how she wants to do more with her husband’s children. It makes for a good show. They are both supposedly very serious born-again Christians and are “pillars of their community” in church and in their AA groups. If someone really wants to create a combined life that includes their partner’s children, they can contact the kids directly if they are adults, contact the ex-wife or ex-partner to arrange for a group meeting, or ask the partner to invite them over for a family event. If someone doesn’t do that, they either are already aware of the truth and don’t care, or they don’t want to know the truth, or they don’t want the truth to get out and interfere with their reputation or fabricated reality. I hope the OP is just nervous about the real reasons and I encourage her to be strong and brave, and meet those kids…and their mother.

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