“I’ve Fallen In Love with My Lesbian Co-Worker”

Sandy’s a predator and you are her prey. This isn’t love. This isn’t friendship. This is straight-up manipulation, and maybe her gender is clouding that for you, so let’s pretend Sandy is a man, ok? Let’s pretend Sandy is a 30-year-old man named Sam whose position at work and his age make the power dynamic between you imbalanced in his favor. Maybe you aren’t his direct subordinate, but you are definitely a subordinate in your office – a “trainee” to his established professional position. You think you’re in love with him and he suspects as much. And for months, as he suspects that you – a trainee in the law firm where he’s employed as a lawyer – are in love with him, he flirts with you, hits on you, “gets a little too forward while drunk” with you, all while dating another trainee and, supposedly, feeling “nothing” for you. Do you see how Sam’s behavior – and, arguably, his intentions and his integrity — are grossly inappropriate? Same with Sandy. It is NOT, in fact, “fine” that she gets too forward with you while drunk. She’s a colleague! You are a younger trainee! She’s taking advantage of you and, frankly, treating you like shit.

The best thing you can do at this point is to keep your head down, quit socializing with Sandy and Kate, and keep things strictly professional with them and everyone else in your office. Don’t apologize to Kate. You’ve done nothing to apologize for. If anyone owes her any kind of explanation, it’s Sandy, and since she didn’t seem concerned about Kate’s feelings — or yours! — while grinding against you in a gay bar in front of Kate, there’s no reason you need to be worried either. As you said, you aren’t privy to the status of their relationship or what kind of rules and boundaries they share. And, in fact, given that Sandy is openly forward with you right in front of Kate, you would absolutely be forgiven for assuming theirs is an open relationship. And if it’s not? Still not your problem. Sandy’s the one ignoring boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries, you need to set them like yesterday. Quit letting colleagues touch you intimately. When someone – whether you work with him or her or not — behaves in a way that confuses you, ask for clarification. If you’d done this with Sandy when she first started acting forward with you, you’d have saved yourself months of agonizing over her feelings and whether her behavior meant anything. You likely would have discovered sooner that she was dating Kate, and maybe you wouldn’t have fallen in love with Sandy, knowing she was unavailable to you.

If at this point you don’t know how to co-exist with these people in an office where you work closely with them, it might be time to look for a new position. If you can’t be strictly professional at work and your feelings are interfering with your job, that’s not good. You might also consider speaking with an HR rep if you have one, but if you don’t already have another job lined up, that can backfire. At any rate, keep your distance from Sandy because she will continue to prey on you, especially now that she knows your weak spots.

 
YOU DO HIS LAUNDRY? Girl, no. Stop. Stop doing his laundry and hosting his friends over at your place and acting like his girlfriend if he won’t even call you his girlfriend! What are you doing? That line about how he’s been hurt in the past? Puh-leeze. Who hasn’t been hurt in the past? If you’re so hurt you can’t be in a committed relationship with anyone, don’t go getting exclusive with someone and letting her do your damn laundry and hosting your dumb friends over at her place; stay single if you’re too hurt to be someone’s boyfriend.

Look, LW, you’ve written to me several times now – here (LW1), and here (LW2), for example. It’s clear you are desperate for a boyfriend – a perfect “unicorn” boyfriend and you’re willing to overlook certain things to convince yourself that you’ve found him. But only two weeks ago you wrote to me about your concern that this new unicorn wasn’t over his ex – I assume the same ex who hurt him so much that he is now unable/unwilling to call you his girlfriend. Please, please read between the lines here: He doesn’t want any boundaries in your relationship. He wants to take without giving. He wants YOU to be exclusive to him, but I would be shocked if he’s honoring such exclusivity to you. I suspect, instead, that he just likes knowing that you aren’t seeing anyone else and that the “exclusive” title is a bone he threw you to keep your tail wagging while you serve his needs. Ugh, I don’t even know this creep and I’m sick of him. He’s no unicorn, LW. He’s a super basic college boy looking out for his own interests, other people’s feelings be damned.

Honestly, I think it’s time for you to take a break from dating and work on your self-esteem. I promise you, there’s more to life than having a boyfriend. Host your own friends at your place and nurture a social circle that supports you emotionally so that you aren’t so susceptible to the charms of the next guy who wants to date you without any labels.

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If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com.