Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

“I’ve Given My Girlfriend $80K and She’s Still Badmouthing Me!”

I’m at a very sad part of my relationship with my girlfriend, whom I met six years ago. I’m from Canada, living and working in SE Asia. I live in Bangkok and she lives in Vietnam. I have been travelling back and fourth for the last five years. She was working at the time when we met, but she quit her job three years ago to go back to school. I have paid for her school and pay her $600 a month on top of this. We see each other often and have traveled all over the world together on my dime.

In addition, I have paid for her eyelid surgery, removal of some lumps, and her car insurance and $800 a year for three years. She needed a motor scooter and asked me to pay for the bike. I came up with $2500 and paid for the bike. In order to pay for school, she has to borrow from her sister, and I have to reimburse the sister. This bothers me because she, my girlfriend, has 50K sitting in the bank, and I don’t understand why she can’t use that money to pay for school so that I can reimburse her at my leisure.

I bought her a birthday present this month (gold earrings) and when she looked at the gift, she said they make her look old. She convinced me to take them back to the jeweler where she picked out a necklace and had me pay an extra $150 for it.

The total amount I have given her is about 80K to date.

She has been living at home until recently, with her mother and sister. They had some problems with her father abusing her mother, so they packed up and moved in with her other sister. This has brought me into the picture again to assist. She asked me to help buy a house to accommodate her mother, her niece, and her. Because of the emergency I offered assistance to find a house, planning that eventually I would move in after my lease is up. I checked my finances and can contribute up to about 120K, which according to her is not enough. She says that for the size they’re looking for they need 220K.

Because we are not married and since, where we live, a foreigner cannot own a house or property, the house would be in her name. She is saying that she would be willing to put in 25K from her 50K that she has in the bank. She said that she did not wish to drain her account. Her attitude is that, as a man, I should provide the whole amount, so I’m lucky that she is not asking for the whole amount.

I offered her a solution: I could pay for a rental apartment for her for one year, and when she finishes her school, we would marry and then move into a house. Now she has cut me off, and she is saying nothing but nasty things about what kind of man I am.

I’m very hurt. I’m actually thinking of seeking a lawyer and suing her for the money and support I have given her these past five years. What do you think? — Invested

I think the 80K is a lot of money to lose, but it is probably a drop in the bucket compared to the money you’d be throwing away if you continue “supporting” this morally-bankrupt, gold-digging scum bucket of a woman. I also think your idea to “sue” is ridiculous since you gave the money away freely and without any sort of legally-binding expectation of reciprocation. Consider this a very expensive lesson: Don’t give money away with the expectation that you’ll get anything — even/especially commitment, love, or marriage — in return. If you aren’t already getting love and commitment, no amount of money will buy those things.

If it isn’t clear: You need to MOA (move on already)!

Related:

“My Boyfriend Has Stopped Financially Supporting Me And I Don’t Know What to Do”

“I Have Cold Feet Because My Boyfriend Can’t Financially Support Me”

***************

Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram.

If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy​(AT)​dearwendy.com.

27 comments… add one
  • avatar

    JD May 30, 2018, 1:04 pm

    I really cannot comprehend how you couldn’t see you where being conned years ago.

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  • avatar

    Northern Star May 30, 2018, 1:32 pm

    Good grief, man, how in the world have you been such a sucker for so long? Dump this broad ASAP. She’ll have another chump lined up to pay for her lifestyle in no time (if she doesn’t already have another boyfriend in the wings now).

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  • avatar

    Essie May 30, 2018, 1:52 pm

    OMG. $80K.

    You’re never going to get that money back. As Wendy said, it was a gift, and suing will get you nowhere. Consider it an expensive lesson learned. She’s a con artist, and you got taken. She’s probably done this to a whole string of men, maybe some of them while she was pretending to be your girlfriend.

    But for the love of god, don’t compound the mistake by giving her more money.

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    • avatar

      Kate May 31, 2018, 7:27 am

      Yeah, do not put money into a house in another country that you have no legal stake in. She’s giving you the cold shoulder because either she believes you’ll come around if you think you’ll lose her, or she’s got another guy on the hook, or both.

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      • avatar

        Kate May 31, 2018, 7:31 am

        Also, this doesn’t sound like she’s your girlfriend so much as she’s a prostitute that you pay to give you a girlfriend experience. It’s completely transactional, and she’s making bigger and bigger demands, taking outrageous advantage of your foolishness. Please wake up from this.

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    • avatar

      anonykins May 31, 2018, 2:53 pm

      Not to mention, as a westerner (assuming here) white male dating an SE Asian woman, the court system will not be in your favor. Coming from someone who used to live in BKK…

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  • avatar

    anonymousse May 30, 2018, 1:58 pm

    You can’t sue someone for what you freely gave them.

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  • avatar

    bondgirl May 30, 2018, 2:15 pm

    I feel like I watched something like this on an episode of “90 Day Fiance” some time ago. Dude, you are seriously nothing more than a cash cow to her. RUN!!! I would also bet that she’s doing this now with several other men, or at least has others in her peripheral.

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    • avatar

      JD May 31, 2018, 7:08 am

      Pretty sure it was most of the episodes.

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  • avatar

    Cyndi May 30, 2018, 2:42 pm

    Good god man cut your losses and run!

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  • avatar

    SpaceySteph May 30, 2018, 2:48 pm

    What everyone else said. This screams CON from a mile away. (more like 6,000 miles away)

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  • avatar

    Bacon Mistress May 30, 2018, 3:29 pm

    Oh you poor, gullible, DUMB ASS! I am sorry to have to say that because it sounds like you are a sweet, trusting romantic guy/girl. But this girl does not deserve your affections. She doesnt love or care for you or she wouldnt treat you like this. She has found a cash cow and she is living the dream and the dream just keeps on coming so she is going to wring it for every last drop.

    Personally I would ghost her ass. She doesnt even deserve a good bye. Go find someone worthy of your time and affection. If she is worthy she will ask for your time… Just FYI.

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  • bittergaymark

    Bittergaymark May 30, 2018, 5:28 pm

    Oh c’mon! She can’t be THAT good of a lay. MOA. Or continue to be the fool money quickly departs from. She is a gold digging schemer. Nothing more. The only way that could be more obvious is if it was tattooed to her fucking forehead…

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    • bittergaymark

      Bittergaymark May 30, 2018, 5:45 pm

      PS — if you are dating a gold digger they definitely should NOT require plastic surgery. Period. End of story.

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      • avatar

        Sarah May 30, 2018, 8:12 pm

        *****dead*****

        From that comment !!!!
        An astute observation/thought

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      • othy

        othy May 31, 2018, 12:08 pm

        She needs the plastic surgery so she can move on to richer fish once she’s sucked this one dry.

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  • avatar

    Ashley May 30, 2018, 6:10 pm

    You looking for someone to take her spot helloooooo. All joking aside don’t marry this woman, don’t give another dime. I know Canadians are supposed to be nice, but now it’s time to turn into angry Canadian man and DTMF.

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  • honeybeenicki

    honeybeenicki May 30, 2018, 8:03 pm

    Wait… What?! I don’t understand how you don’t see you’re being used. And this: “. In order to pay for school, she has to borrow from her sister, and I have to reimburse the sister. This bothers me because she, my girlfriend, has 50K sitting in the bank, and I don’t understand why she can’t use that money to pay for school so that I can reimburse her at my leisure.” — why do you have to reimburse anyone? She can pay for her own damn school!
    Actually, now that I think of it, you should MOA from her and start paying for my stuff.

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    • avatar

      Leon May 31, 2018, 12:18 am

      Hahaha for real. I need physiotherapy that I cant afford. Wouldnt this sweet man sponsor me too?

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  • avatar

    Ange May 30, 2018, 10:20 pm

    Oh man you sound like every second Aussie man of a certain age that travels to Thailand. She doesn’t love you she loves your bank account and as others have said she probably has other men as well. You got fleeced for a good amount already, cut your losses and run.

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  • avatar

    Sapphire May 30, 2018, 11:37 pm

    80k? That’s a lot of money you gave to her. You willing gave her eighty grands. You can’t do anything but to move on. Listen to Wendy. No lawyer would get involved since there isn’t anything legally binding to it.
    Btw does anyone else thinks her family is in the con too? Like they know about it and helping her?

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    • avatar

      ktfran May 31, 2018, 7:08 am

      Or maybe there’s not even a family and it’s her pimp?

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    • avatar

      Bree May 31, 2018, 10:32 am

      Well, technically there was a “contract” where he gave her money and she gave him sex/companionship. The problem with that (among so many other things) is that it was an illegal contract. Also, it sounds like she technically held up her end of the bargain, so he’s still screwed in more ways than one.

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  • avatar

    Leon May 31, 2018, 12:15 am

    Omg, I can’t believe it. 80k? And she has the guts to ask for money to buy a house? C’mon, stop being a loser. It is not your business to financially support a partner, unless you are married and the other cant afford a job for a reasonable motif. It is not even your obligation to pay for her food on a date, unless you explicitly remarked that before. Grow a brain, kick her ass out of your life, and stop being so naive.

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  • avatar

    saneinca May 31, 2018, 2:16 am

    Yep. Usually this happens to guys who are older and not so hot.
    So they feel the need to date a hot young chick. And end up paying for the privilege.
    A variation of the older rich guy and the pretty young gold digger theme.

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  • Lucidity

    Lucidity May 31, 2018, 8:00 pm

    She cannot possibly need all of that $220k for a house. In Vietnam, $220k would literally buy you a palace.

    I really hope this letter is a fake. The way this guy is getting fleeced is just so sad.

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  • avatar

    dinoceros May 31, 2018, 8:51 pm

    You’re her personal ATM. That never bothered you before now?

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