Dear Wendy
Dear Wendy

(Long) Weekend Open Thread

Hi from upstate New York where Drew and the kids and I are staying with some friends for a few days in a beautiful 170-year-old home with this amazing pool. I’m taking a couple days off from posting so I can enjoy said pool (and help with kid-wrangling and meal-prepping). The forums are open for business though if you need your fix of daily drama, advice, and chit chat. And if you’re newish here or haven’t already read every single post ever published, here are a few good ones you may have missed:

On Dating, in general:

Dating Tip: Try Going Against Type
10 Ways You’re Sabotaging Your Dating Life and Relationships

On Long Distance Relationships

“In a Long Distance Relationship, Who Should Be The One to Move?”
“I’m Overwhelmed in a LDR”
Updates: “Overwhelmed in a LDR” Responds
8 Tips For Transitioning out of a Long Distance Relationship
15 Tips for Surviving a Long Distance Relationship
8 Things You Need to Do Before You Move For Love
From the Mailbag: “I’m Going to Move for Love, Despite Your Advice Not To”

On Breakups:

Your Turn: “How Can I Get Over my First Broken Heart?”
20 Tips for Surviving a Breakup
10 Ways To Move On From a Breakup
My Best Breakup Lesson
What Lessons Have You Learned From Your Breakups?

On Moving in Together:

What We Wish We’d Known Before Moving In Together
15 Things Couples Should Do Before Moving in Together

On Friendship:

Showing Up: The Single Most Important Thing A Friend Can Do
How to Make Friends After College
“Should I MOA From This Friendship?”
Is Facebook Ruining Friendships?

On Weddings:

Your Turn: “His Family Ate All Our Reception Food… Before the Wedding!”
“My In-Laws Never Gave us a Wedding Gift”
“Did My Friend Just Ask Me to Not Be Her Bridesmaid Anymore?”
“I Refuse to Pay for My Daughter’s Wedding to Her Horrible Fiancé”
My Fiancé’s Groomsman Has No Teeth!
“Should I ask Wedding Guests Why I Haven’t Received a Gift From Them?”
“Being a Bridesmaid is Breaking My Budget!”

On Marriage:

15 Things Every Couple MUST Discuss Before Getting Married
8 Secrets for a Happy Marriage
The Six Things You Need for a Happy, Longterm Relationship
“I’m So Unhappy in My Marriage” Or: A Guide on How to Be Happy

On feminism and marriage:

Getting Personal: “I’m Conflicted About Being a Feminist and a Wife”
“He Wants Me To Take His Name, But I Want to Keep Mine”

On Motherhood:

“How Do You Know When You’re Ready To Have Kids?”
20 Things Everyone Should Do Before Having Kids
My Toddler Doesn’t Like Me And Other Depressing Confessions
“When Breastfeeding Doesn’t Work”
The Joy is Louder Too
“Will I Lose All My Friends When I Have Kids?”
To Have or To Not to Have Another Baby, That is the Question

On miscarriage and infertility:

“Everyone’s Getting Pregnant But Me!”
It’s Personal: My Chemical Pregnancy
“After My Miscarriages, My Friend Abandoned Me When She Got Pregnant”
Getting Personal: “After My Miscarriage, A Dog Saved My Life”
“Should I Tell My FWB About My Miscarriage?”
“How Should I Tell My Infertile Sister I’m Planning to Get Pregnant?”
“I’m Jealous of My Sister’s Pregnancy”

On choosing to be childfree:

Getting Personal: “Children Aren’t for Me”
“My Parents Keep Bugging Me About Having Kids”
“He Wants Kids But I Don’t. Can We Still Date?”
The Secret To Happy Relationships: Don’t Have Kids?

A guy’s perspective:

How I Get A Girl to Break Up With Me
His Take: “I’m a 28-Year-Old Virgin. Does That Scare Guys Off?”
His Take: “What Do Guys Think About First-Date Sex?”

20 comments… add one
  • JD August 2, 2018, 8:05 am

    The house looks gorgeous from that one pic. I have such a love for old homes! Have fun! Yah for a long weekend for you all!!

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  • JD August 3, 2018, 7:36 pm

    Mmm we went to the butcher today and bought some tri tip. So excited to grill it tomorrow.

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  • ktfran August 3, 2018, 10:58 pm

    What do you do when your bedroom and bathroom in a 2000 sf condo reeks of pot from the people upstairs? We know it’s from upstairs because the guy downstairs is out of town. And they’re having a party. Do you tell the owners? Ask them to cut it out?

    First floor…. dude who owns.
    Middle floor…. Us. We own.
    Top floor…. renters.

    It seriously effing reeks. This is the first time this has happened. Our windows were shut. I don’t even know how it permeated down to us.

    Also, I’m not against pot. I am against it smelling strong enough to invade my space.

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    • ktfran August 3, 2018, 11:06 pm

      EDT. I actually like the smell in small doses. So for me to be bothered by it, means it’s alot.

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        MaterialsGirl August 3, 2018, 11:11 pm

        Yea I would tell the owners and maybe knock on the door of the party to let them know. Or you can call the cops? Last resort..

      • Kate August 4, 2018, 5:06 am

        In the case of a loud party after10, go up and knock on the door, tell them nicely you have an early flight, and would they mind keeping it down. If it’s more than a one time thing, tell the owner. The pot, if it’s a regular thing, I guess tell the owner, but eh. It’s probably one of those ventilation issues with the bathroom fans. Happens a lot.

        Calling cops is an extreme last resort.

        Unfortunately I just learned the hard way why my dad said to buy in an established association with a lot of units, high owner occupancy, and an excellent management company. Parties and pot smell are minor compared to what you could be dealing with, though I need my sleep and I get it.

      • Kate August 4, 2018, 5:15 am

        If it’s a noise disturbance after 10, you should go up and knock and tell them you have to be up early and could they please turn it down. If it happens more than once, tell the owner. The pot smell is probably due to the bathroom ventilator, I think that’s pretty common. It’s annoying but pretty minor compared to what you could be dealing with in such a small association.

      • JD August 4, 2018, 6:25 am

        Fun fact. A cop once explained to me (a good family friend) that while neighborhoods may have times when you need to keep it down, there is no actual time for noise disturbance complaints with police. It can be 5pm and if they are too loud they will come. I always believed it was an “after 10” thing but apparently it’s any time of the day.

      • Kate August 4, 2018, 6:35 am

        @JD condo docs will usually stipulate quiet hours, and just in general on a Friday night, it’s reasonable to wait til bedtime to make a request to keep it down.

        I personally wouldn’t call the police on a party in a 3-unit condo unless it was really really egregious and I’d already asked them nicely a couple times.

      • JD August 4, 2018, 6:45 am

        Agree Kate. I kind of used neighborhood to encompass apartments, condos, some HOAs. I wouldn’t call until it was necessary just to keep the peace. I called my landlord on an insane loud upstairs neighbor once, kept me up night until 2 it 3 am. It was weird too because the noise would just be in one spot like hammering for hours on end with no break. You’d think you’d hear walking around not one spot. After that they constantly called the police on me for non existent things. Once that I was smoking pot on my deck at 2am, i was out of town, another time for moving furniture in the middle of the night when i was dead asleep. Luckily management knew it was bS and told them to knock it off but I still was constantly woken up by police in the middle of the night for these complaints that didn’t exist which usually caused me to not only be woken but then pissed and not able to go back to sleep, and have to work the next day. That taught me to suck a lot up. I still wonder what on earth was going on up there with the noise. I swear they just stood in one spot and stomped for hours on end.

      • ktfran August 4, 2018, 8:44 am

        The husband ended up texting both downstairs and upstairs neighbor saying our place smelled and he didn’t know if was from below or above but kindly open a window and turn on a fan. They denied it of course. But that’s where we’ll leave it. Cops were never in question.

        I was just really pissed last night because I had a shitty, long week at work and wanted to get a good night sleep because however bad last week was, next week is going to suck tenfold. And then that happened. Thanks for letting me vent!

    • JD August 4, 2018, 6:12 am

      I feel like this one time I would let it go. I know from experience someone angry at you above you can make your life a living hell!!!! If it continues though then worth saying something, although maybe to them first. Since it’s never happened and it’s a party I’d just let it slide.

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      Dear Wendy August 4, 2018, 7:22 am

      Oh, gosh, please don’t tell the owners – especially if these renters are people of color (but even if they’re white). It’s such a minor inconvenience, it’s never happened before, and it will be gone in a few hours. Can you just let it go? I have a pet peeve with people who live in the city and then get so upset when noise or smells from their neighbors occasionally inconvenience them , so I don’t have as much empathy here for you as I might otherwise. If it’s really, really bothering you, you could knock on their door some time this weekend and say, “Hey, we just wanted to let you know that during your party Friday night, the pot smell was really strong through the vents into our apartment. We didn’t want to ruin your night and complain during the party, but we’d appreciate in the future if you keep in mind how well scents seem to travel through the vents in this building.”

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      • Kate August 4, 2018, 7:36 am

        I agree, in case my comments above weren’t clear, I wouldn’t say anything about the pot to anyone at all, and only let the owner know about the noise if it keeps happening.

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        Dear Wendy August 4, 2018, 7:41 am

        Again, if this were happening all the time, I’d be more inclined to side with you. But one time? Some pot smell? Eh. That’s kind of the very least of the inconvenience you might face as a city dweller, and not, in my opinion, worth even mentioning.

      • ktfran August 4, 2018, 8:54 am

        You’re right. It was a minor inconvenience and I was mad. Definitely not people of color. Mid twenty white couple who have threatened to sue the association over minor inconveniences. Like escalated to sue before the problem, that could harm them in no way… such as the back door was hard to unlock. So I guess that heightens our dealings with them. Like, please ask nicely.

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        Dear Wendy August 4, 2018, 9:04 am

        Aw, got it. Yeah, they suck.

    • dinoceros August 4, 2018, 8:12 am

      I think it’s always best to go to the person who is bothering you first rather than escalating immediately to the owners or police. If you don’t know how it permeated that far, then they probably aren’t aware of it. Most people are fairly reasonable and would probably like the opportunity to know if they are disturbing you rather than immediately being thrust into potential consequences like losing a place to live or something.

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        MaterialsGirl August 4, 2018, 10:22 am

        Ew litigious renters?? Ack. That’s super annoying and yes, killing with kindness and graciousness is your best bet (although that certainly doesn’t mean they will react well).

        It’s Lolla this weekend, so south loop is a mess. Ive been chatty with the traffic and event police and city workers.. trying to keeping their spirits up with the crush of suburban teenagers.

  • Ange August 5, 2018, 5:15 pm

    This thread is right up my alley at the moment as we’re having a blue with our body corp (HOA for you guys? the management company for our units anyway). Our units are wide open to each other and the street so every bit of furniture you put on your balcony is visible to everyone. We put a small free standing cat enclosure on our balcony and got a breach notice in the mail under of all things a by law that bans you from hanging washing outside. Ironically we are one of the few units that has never actually done that. So we’ve asked for permission to keep the enclosure but they’ll probably tell us no and then we have to go through the whole conciliation and arbitration process for putting something on our own damn balcony just like everyone else. From what I’ve read we’re very likely to win but still.

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