Anyhoo, we talk about everything and he is super curious about my sexual past (which isn’t that extensive) and is always asking questions. I mentioned that an ex-boyfriend had contacted me out of the blue, and he starts asking me if I have feelings for my ex. Is it any of his business who I have feelings for if we’re just FWB? AND, to top it all off, when I try to make plans with him, he says he isn’t sure if he’s busy or not and waits a few days before giving me an answer.
Am I just the girl he’s using when he can’t find a better option? It seems that, when we get together, it’s when he wants to. If I initiate the plans, something always happens and he asks for a rain check. I need the brutal, honest truth so I can move on with my life and cease any intimacies with this guy. I’d like to keep him as a friend then, at arm’s length. But why are guys so frustrating? Why can’t he just tell me what he wants or doesn’t want and be honest about it? — FWB or Not?
It’s not just guys who are frustrating; women are frustrating, too. The key to not getting overwhelmed by frustration is to not enable frustrating behavior. I can’t say why this guy isn’t being honest with you. Hell, maybe he is being honest. Maybe he truly doesn’t know what your relationship is or what he wants. But to me, someone on the outside, it sounds very much like this is a FWB thing and that is very much all he wants from it. You’re frustrated because you want more and he’s not giving you more. Does it matter WHY he’s not giving you more? If you were on a beach on a super hot day dying of thirst and there was someone dangling a bottle of water in front of you, teasing you with it but never offering it to you, would you stick around trying to figure out WHY he wasn’t giving you any (and all the while hoping he’d finally pass the bottle over) or would you go find water elsewhere?
In other words: you’ve been friends for 15 years and, if this guy still doesn’t know if he wants something more than friendship with you, the answer is he doesn’t. While he’s canceling plans on you and telling you he doesn’t know how to define your relationship, there’s someone else out there who would be thrilled to have and make plans with you. I hope you won’t waste too much time on the guy who doesn’t appreciate what you have to offer or doesn’t want the same thing you want. Life’s too short for all that nonsense. And someone else will have water to offer you if you just keep looking.
If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at firstname.lastname@example.org.